The DS9 Monologues
By Hadrian McKeggan, aka “Kegg”
Colonel’s Log, Stardate: The day after our checks bounce. Now that the Dominion War is over, DS9 has reverted back to a useless backwater outpost. Yep, we are just sitting here...
“Colonel, the USS Weak Plot Device is undocking from DS9.”
“Thank you O’Brien.”
“I’m not O’Brien. He’s on Earth, remember?”
“Then who are you?”
“Colonel, You better see this.” The Colonel looks up.
“Ooooo, the Celestial Temple is opening. Pretty....”
“Uh, Colonel, how about you look at who is exiting the Wormhole.” Kira squints and sees Sisko being thrown out of the wormhole.
“Colonel to Transporter Room. Beam Sisko aboard.”
“Aye aye.” Sisko materializes right in Ops.
“Sisko, what happened?”
“I couldn’t afford the rent, so the Prophets kicked me out. Do you know who they took in instead?”
“Hey look it, that swirly thingy’s opening again.” O’Breen says, and Odo walks out of the wormhole.
“Dear Prophets? How many people just walk out the wormhole??? It’s in space, you would die of lack of air.” Kira says.
“Blame it on the science consultants. I also blame them for the fact that sound is in space, and for those god-awful neutrino emissions.” Sisko replies.
“Transporter Room, beam Odo onboard.” Kira says.
“Eye, Aye.” Odo appears in Ops.
“Odo, why are you here?” Sisko asks.
“You know the way I went to the Founders to convince them that humanity was good?”
“The Federation refused to pay my salary for the job, so I quit.”
“Odo, the Federation doesn’t have money.”
“Oh, well that could explain it...”
“Hi folks!” Everyone turns around and sees O’Brien come out of the turbolift.
“Why are you here, O’Brien?” Sisko asks.
“I heard they were having a reunion of the DS9 cast.”
“You’re not far from the truth...”
“Hi folks!” They all turn around to see a Klingon dressed like a priest.
“No. Worf has decided to join the Enterprise for the next feature film. I am his long-lost brother.”
“You mean Kurn?”
“Okay, who the heck are you?”
(And the never-ending boredom begins....)
Captain’s Log, Stardate: With Kasidy Yates. I am back on DS9 with the rest of the regular cast, with the exception of Worf who has gone back to the Enterprise and Jadzia who is dead. We are sitting around, trying to think of a good plot. My nose really itches.
“I have an idea!” Wharf says.
“What is it, Wharf?”
“Why don’t we go on the Defiant and take her out for a joyride!”
“But then who will be on the Station?” Kira asks.
“I decide that.” Sisko interrupts. “Ensign Mulgrew, Ensign Beltran, Ensign Dawson, Ensign Ryan, Ensign Duncan-McNeil, Ensign Phillips, Ensign Picardo, Ensign Russ and Ensign Wang, you are all staying on DS9.”
So the boring ensigns stay on DS9 while the main cast take the Defiant out for a joyride.
“Go to maximum warp!” Sisko says. They go to maximum warp. Ezri raises her hand.
“This isn’t school, Old Man.”
“Firstly, don’t you ever call me ‘Old Man’ again. Are you blind? Anyways why are we going to maximum warp? In the ‘Forces of Nature,’ episode they said it would damage subspace!”
“What warp should we go to then? Minimum warp? I want this episode wrapped up by pay day!” Sisko replies.
“Engage the cloaking device!” Sisko continues.
“Captain, we are only allowed to use the device if we are in the Gamma Quadrant!” Kira says.
“To hell with that! It’s the one piece of continuity DS9 never obeyed!”
“Captain, I’m picking up a ship on my scanners.... It’s Cardassian!” O’Brien says.
“Drop out of warp, decloak and prepare to open fire!”
“But the war’s over!” Bashir says.
“So? Ratings are up when I’m hotheaded and I like things going KABOOM! Kira, make that thingy go KABOOM!”
“We are being hailed.” They see Gul Dukat.
“Hi, I’m Gul Dukat.” He says.
“Dukat? But the pah-wraiths swallowed you up!”
“You think in such three-dimensional terms, Sisko.”
“You mean you weren’t able to afford the rent?”
“Pretty much.” Dukat’s eyes then go red and he switches into “Tears of the Prophets” mode. “Prepare to die!!!”
“Captain, they are opening fire!”
“Attack them!” The Defiant shoots, and Dukat’s ship goes KABOOM!!
“You know, Dukat was pure evil...” Sisko says.
“Yeah. We made some really shit episodes around that.” Kira says.
“If ratings of this episode is any indication, I’ve doubt we’ve seen the last of him.”
“You’re right! In fact, I can see the charred remains of his corpse!” O’Brien says.
“Fire on those remains!”
“Now, I’m certain we have seen the last of him. Set a course for Dominion space!”
“I dunno. We just need me saying something dramatic at the end of each episode.”
“You didn’t say anything dramatic the last time!”
“Oh yeah... I forgot.” Pause.
“Your dramatic line?” Kira presses.
“Oh yeah.... Set a course for Dominion space!”
(And the plot is half-baked....)
Captain’s Log, Stardate 74205.1701. We have set a course for Dominion space. We should pass by DS9 and enter the wormhole by the end of this log entry. Since I don’t want to wait, I’m ending this log entry right now!
“Captain, we are entering the Bajor system.” Nog says.
“Right on cue. Hey, wait a second! Nog, where did you come from?”
“I was here the whole time.”
“Oh. Anyhow, Nog, plot a course for the swirl-thingy.”
“Yeah, the wormhole.”
“We are being hailed by DS9.”
“I thought there was no one on DS9!”
“Uh, remember you left a bunch of ensigns there.”
“Oh yeah. What do they want?”
“There are having problems with Bajoran Vedeks.”
“Tell them to deal with it. I’m tired of that over-worn plot device.”
“Nog, enter us into the wormhole.”
“We are going in.” That moment, Sisko finds himself with the Prophets.
“You are The Sisko.” A Prophet who looks strangely like Michael Piller says.
“Jesus, will you lower the lights in here? This is some soundstage.”
“The Sisko cannot afford a rent.”
“Um, I’m sorry guys, really.” Sisko says. A second prophet appears, looking like Rick Berman.
“The Sisko must pay the price.”
“Look, I have no latinum on me right now, but I promise I’ll make it up to you.” A third Prophet appears, looking like Brannon Braga.
“The Sisko will pay at the end of this dream sequence.”
“The Sisko will know.” Sisko warps out of the dream sequence.
“Captain, the wormhole’s ends have shifted.” O’Brien says.
“What, I thought it was stable!”
“[Insert plausible techno babble here]” O’Brien explains.
“Oh. Chief, that makes perfect sense!”
“Thank you, Sisko.” They exit the wormhole.
“So where are we now?”
“Captain, I’m reading a vessel off our port bow.”
“Noooooooooooo!!!!!” Sisko yells. “Not the, the—”
“Sisko they are hailing.” And then a familiar Captain appears.
“I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager.”
Sisko faints. Kira looks down. “It looks like Sisko won’t get to say the dramatic punch line this time.” O’Brien swiveled around.
“You mean the episode is nearly over?”
(And the plot is forgotten.....)
Captain’s Log, Stardate: Tomorrow is Yesterday. We are stranded in the Delta Quadrant with Voyager. God, I hate crossovers....
“How did you get here Captain?” Janeway asks.
“We used the wormhole we came out of. Duh!”
“Are you here to rescue us?”
“Oh no, Voyager, that’s Barclay’s job, and I’ll be damned if he isn’t the worst wiener in Star Trek. Nog, reverse course.”
“Were does the wormhole lead?” Janeway asks.
“The Alpha Quadrant. Duh!”
“Will you stop saying ‘Duh!’ I’m sick of you!”
“That’s something we agree on.” On Voyager, Harry Kim says, “Captain, I’m reading a Borg cube! They are moving in on an intercept course!”
Seven says “Captain, I’ve decided to rejoin the Borg Collective.”
“Why, Seven? You only rejoined us yesterday!”
“I know, but I change my mind a lot.” Janeway turns around.
“Sisko, we need your help!”
“That’s it! Tuvok, open fire on the Defiant!”
“O’Brien, open fire on Voyager!” The two ships attack each other but the Borg cube traps Voyager in a tractor beam.
Sisko says “So long, Voyager! Nog, plot a course to the wormhole.”
The Defiant goes into the wormhole, and Janeway says “Grrr!”
Kim says “Captain, because of the wormhole 200 more Borg cubes are coming to get us!”
“You will pay Ransom —err... Sisko, you will pay.”
The Defiant exits the wormhole.
“And that’s the end of that.” Sisko says.
“Uh, Captain, we are now stranded in the mirror universe!”
Sisko says, “The game is afoot.”
“Huh?” Kira asks.
“You know, my dramatic last line.”
(And the plot hole has no feet.....)
Captain’s Log, Stardate: No, thank you. We are trapped in the evil Mirror Universe. And I smell an expensive battle to end all battles! Or maybe I just smell Wharf. Sheesh, when does that guy get a bath?
“Captain, the Mirror-Defiant is closing in.”
“A Mirror! Hot damn! I haven’t looked at myself in a mirror since the first season. I think there is a problem with my hair....”
“No Captain, the Defiant from the Mirror Universe!”
“A universe of Mirrors! Talk about a bargain!” Kira sighed. Sometimes Sisko could be such a bozo.
“She’s hailing us.”
“Hello, this is Mirror-O’Brien from the Mirror Universe, and frankly I don’t understand why we must say ‘Mirror’ in front of everyone’s names. Anyhow, who the heck are you?”
“I’m Regular Sisko on the Regular Defiant.”
“What were the odds of the our two ships meeting each other and not some other ship!”
“Very high. The producers can’t afford any guest stars.” Nog swiveled around.
“Sir, I’m a guest star!”
“Okay, one guest star.” Then Wharf says,
“I’m a guest star!”
“Did you actually read your contract, Mr. Wharf? You are a regular character!”
“I thought this show was canceled! And don’t call me Mr. Wharf! It’s Father Wharf to you!”
“Captain, there is ship closing in on us. It’s hailing us.” Mirror-Dukat appeared.
“Hi, I’m Mirror-Dukat.”
“Dukat! I thought I killed you!”
“You killed Dukat. I’m Mirror-Dukat.”
“You mean you are the exact opposite of him?”
“You know what this means?” Sisko said to the crew.
“He is a good guy?” Bashir tried.
“No. He is a decent villain!” Then Sisko does his best “To Be Continued” Look.
“Is that the dramatic last line?” Kira asks.
“Yes, why do you ask this time Kira?”
“It think it sounds funny.”
“Shut up, Major!”
“I’m a Colonel!”
(To be syndicated...)
Captain’s Log, Stardate: Another time. We are still stuck in the Mirror Universe. I really thought we would get out in the last episode. Anyhow, we have met Mirror-Dukat. No doubt he is scheming a brilliant plot for a way to kill us.... And Wharf smells worse than before.
With Mirror-Dukat is Mirror-Janeway. Mirror-Janeway asks Mirror-Dukat “What are you doing?”
“I’m scheming a brilliant plot for a way to kill Sisko.”
“Sooooo..... have you found a way yet?”
“Found a way yet?”
“Shut up, Mirror-Janeway, or I’ll kick you so hard it will send your ass to the Delta Quadrant!”
“Okay.” Mirror-Janeway remains quiet for the remainder of the episode.
Sisko says, “What do we do now?”
“How about we tell the other Defiant to attack Dukat, then run away!” Ezri says.
“Great plan! I didn’t know you are so smart, Ezri!”
“I’m not. Dax figured it out.”
“That is one smart ugly slug.”
“O’Brien, tell Mirror-O’Brien to attack Mirror-Dukat.” Sisko says.
“Okay.” O’Brien presses a button and Mirror-O’Brien appears on the view screen.
“Mirror-O’Brien, attack Mirror-Dukat!”
“Why?” Mirror-O’Brien asks.
“Uh... because he’s killed hundreds of thousands and is an inhuman abomination to man?”
“No dice, Regular O’Brien.”
“He has your wallet?”
“He does? Hot damn! Mirror-Bashir, target Mirror-Phasers on Mirror-Dukat’s Mirror-ship!”
“Sucker!” Sisko says. “Nog, plot a course back through the wormhole!”
“Aye sir.” The Regular Defiant runs away and the Mirror-Defiant attacks Mirror-Dukat’s Mirror-ship and is destroyed.
“You know what I love about the Mirror-Universe, Mirror-Janeway?” Mirror-Dukat says.
Mirror-Janeway holds up a sign saying: “You told me not to speak!” Dukat doesn’t even look at her.
“In the Mirror-Universe, Mirror-Characters are expendable. Regular Sisko hasn’t seen the last of us.”
The Regular Defiant exits the Wormhole. “Okay, were are we know?” Sisko asks.
“We are back at Deep Space Nine, Captain.” Bashir says. “We are being hailed.”
“Onscreen.” Sisko appears onscreen. But he’s different. He has hair, a different uniform and no beard.
“This is Commander Past-Sisko of Past-Deep Space Nine.” He says.
“Captain!” Ezri Dax says. “We have gone back in time to the first season!”
“It seems our past has caught up with us.” Sisko stares meaningfully into the distance.
“Hello!” Past-Sisko says. “Who are you people? Are you even listening to me?”
(the syndication adventure has just begun...)
Captain’s Log, Stardate: Yesterday is Tomorrow. I’ve gone back to DS9’s first season. God, was that a boring season! What to do, what to do. Oh wait, I have an idea! Computer, End Log!
“What’s your idea, Captain?” Kira asks.
“To turn off my log. I hate those things.” Sisko says.
“Will anyone listen to me!” Past-Sisko says. “Who are you and why the hell are you here!”
Past-Kira says “They are not going to listen, Past-Sisko.”
“Oh. What’s up with the Past thingy at the start of my name?”
“It’s so readers can tell the difference between you and Regular Sisko.” Kegg says.
“Thanks, Kegg.” Past-Sisko says. “Hey, wait a minute! Who are you and where to you come from?”
“I’m the author. I decided I’d pop by.” Kegg replies.
“Isn’t including oneself in their story the greatest form of self-delusion and vanity, not to mention referring to yourself in the third person is the first form of madness?” Past-Sisko says.
“Yes, but what the hell. Goodbye now.” Kegg disappears in a transporter beam. Past-Sisko looks at the Defiant.
“That ship looks super-cool. I bet this series would be improved if we had it. Past-O’Brien, lock Past-Tractor Beam on Regular Defiant!”
“Captain, they have locked a past-tractor beam on us!” Kira says.
“How many times did we do that in the first season? Nog, lock phasers on Past-Deep Space Nine’s Past-Operations!”
O’Brien says “Wouldn’t just be easier to destroy the past-tractor beam?”
“Yes, but let’s give the viewers what they want.” Sisko says.
“Okay, targeted.” The Regular Defiant destroys Past-Deep Space Nine.
“Hey, that doesn’t make sense.” Ezri says. “If Deep Space Nine was destroyed in the past, how can we still be here?”
“I’m part of Deep Space Nine’s development staff now.” Brannon Braga says.
“Oh. That explains it.”
“Nog, set a course for the wormhole!” Sisko says.
When they exit the wormhole, Sisko asks, “So what’s happening now?”
“What do you mean, what’s happening now?” Odo says.
“Well, something has to be happening. Wait a minute. Odo, you can speak?” Sisko says.
“I may have not spoken since the first episode, but I decided I’d do something.” Odo says.
“Oh. So, what’s wrong?”
Nog says: “We are back at Deep Space Nine, Normal True-Blue Real-Deal Authentic Paramount Product Deep Space Nine.”
“Deep Space Nine is under control of hard core Trekkies.”
“What a tangled web we weave.” Sisko says.
“The dramatic last line, right?” Ezri says.
(And the plot reaches a new low....)
Captain’s Log, Stardate: 18472.317272950.573298015.37251.735280.5720.57398051.572391.57829031.573200.582391.582103.583920. We have returned to Deep Space Nine after a multi-episode story arc about the Defiant and a joyride. But the die-hard Trekkies have taken over Deep Space Nine. We are sitting around on the Defiant, hatching a cunning and daring plan to retake the station. Or hatching some cunning and tasty eggs, whichever you prefer.
“Can I interest you in a genuine eyelash from Captain Kirk?” Quark says.
“Oh yeah!” A die-hard Trekkie says. “Hey, this is just an eyelash from Briok! Give me my money back!”
“How the hell can you tell the difference?”
“I’m a Trekkie.”
“Oh.” Quark goes over to Rom. “Tough customers, eh?”
“They certainly are strange, brother.”
A lot of Trekkies are doing Trekkie thing like posting bulletins on the Deep Space Nine BBS or wearing pointed ears, or criticizing technical and other minor and petty problems like inconsistencies and bloopers in Star Trek. Or just flying around in their runabouts with bumper stickers like “Beam me up, Scotty” or “Make it So.” Some of them are in the holosuite with Seven of Nine. Brannon Braga is suddenly and mysteriously killed while strolling the Promenade, and Wesley, Neelix and Jake also die at the same time. Leonard Nimoy is posted as Producer of Deep Space Nine, and Kim is finally promoted to Lieutenant. Kirk comes back alive and then dies in a better death, and then comes back alive again so he can be killed again. Janeway and Chakotay flirt. Picard and Crusher flirt. Data and Yar flirt, even though Yar is a corpse. And everything else the fans wanted to see happens, and bores the hell out of most people. In Ops, loads of Trekkies are loitering around or messing with the technical systems and complaining of inaccuracies. One of them suddenly says, “Oh no! The J-Team is coming!” They take defensive positions and Janewayite fanatics barge into the room, phasers firing. There is a big expensive battle, and the Trekkies shout stuff like “Beam this up, Scotty!” and “Make it Dead!” and “I will chase you ’round the Moons of Nibia and round the Antares Maelstrom before I give you up!” and “You’re dead as long as McCoy says so” and “Fascinate this!” and “Assimilate this” and “Victory is Life” and so on. Just before it can be decided if the J-Team or the other Trekkies win, Sisko and co. beam in and shoot down them all in a big phaser battle. Most of the Trekkies were quoted saying in their last words “Live long and prosper,” “It was fun,” or “To the last, I hate thee. I spit my last breath,” or simply “Aarrgh!”
Sisko says “Damn, were those guys annoying. I’m glad they are all dead.”
“All dead?” Kegg says. “No, there are plenty of us left.”
“Oh, shut up, Kegg. It’s not like you’re the star or anything.” Sisko snaps.
“I’ve only said a handful of lines!” Kegg protests.
“I have had it with you!” Sisko runs over and whacks Kegg in the face. Kegg in immersed in a transporter beam before Sisko can finish him off. “Damn that! Knowing that self-obsessed author, I’ve doubt’s we have seen the last of him.”
“Captain, we are being hailed by the J-Team.” Ezri Dax says.
“Onscreen.” Sisko says.
“This is the J-Team. We never liked you, Sisko, and we hear you attacked and insulted Janeway!” The J-Team says in unison.
“Well, Duh!” Sisko says.
“That’s it! Prepare to die!” The J-Team says in unison.
“Captain, they have beamed aboard the Defiant!”
“Uh oh. We can’t defeat the Defiant alone! We need help.” Sisko says.
“You mean?” Bashir says.
“Uh huh. Only one man can sort this out.”
“Who is?” O’Brien says.
(And this funny end line has run out of options...)
Captain’s Log: Five P.M. We have gone to the one person who can solve our problem with the J-Team. That’s right. Jerry Springer.
The Title at the bottom of the Jerry Springer show says: Mad Fanatics Stole My Ship!
Sisko and the J-Team Leader, Jaytee, are sitting at the front of the Jerry Springer show.
Jerry Springer says “Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen. Today’s problem has the leader of an evil and no good corporation stealing the harmless freighter of an innocent Station Commander.”
Jaytee shoots Sisko an angry look. “Did you write that line?” It demands.
“Yes, I did. And why are you an it?”
“I’m the collective embodiment of hundreds and thousands of J-Team members. Lower your shields and surrender your decent opinions. Your Treknological and Otherological will be added to our own. You will love Janeway. Resistance is Futile.”
“Does anyone in the audience have anything to say to that?” Jerry Springer asks.
“I do.” Chakotay says. “I agree entirely.”
“Anyone else?” Jerry Springer asks. No one responds. Then Sisko says something.
“Who cares about Chakotay’s opinion? All he is here for is to say stuff like ‘Shields at fifty percent’ and that stuff.” Sisko says.
“And to snog the Captain!” Jaytee says.
“This is getting boring. If only there was a convenient plot device to save us.” Sisko says.
“Captain!” Ezri Dax says. “O’Brien [insert plausible techno babble here] and beamed the J-Team into space and us back onto the Defiant!”
“Yay!” Sisko says. “Beam me aboard. I can’t stand another second in this hellhole.” One of those really annoying audience people in Jerry Springer stands up. “This is not a hellhole, this is—”
“I can’t hear you! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!” Sisko shouts as he disappears and he sticks out his tongue.
The Defiant flees back to Deep Space Nine. Sisko steps out of the airlock. “It’s so good to be home, minus those annoying Trekkies.”
Ezri says, “Captain, it’s got worse.”
“The Evil Galactic Empire has taken over the station.”
“Not more Mirror Universe episodes?”
“No, Captain. The Star Wars Empire.”
“Really? I think it’s time we made a graceful exit.” Sisko says, and he steps back into the airlock.
“That’s your dramatic line?” Wharf says.
(The rehashing and bashing has only begun...)
Captain’s Log: Before the Battle of Yavin. Damn, those Star Wars guys are getting to me already. What is the obsession with my stuff? Trekkies steal Deep Space Nine, the J-Team steals the Defiant and now the Evil Galactic Empire has stolen Deep Space Nine. Not to mention all the times the Bajorans, Cardassians, Maquis, Dominion and loads of others tried to steal them. I need better security. Maybe I’ll replace Odo with Wharf. He does have the ability to suffocate people to death all by his smell. Poor O’Breen. We won’t miss him. Hmm, this has to be the longest Captain’s Log I’ve ever recorded. Well, that ends now!
Deep Space Nine is blaring with music by John Williams. Hoards of Stormtroopers parade around Deep Space Nine, and a guy with a sore throat and a black mask who calls himself Darth Vader. Quark tries to sell him the location of the hidden Rebel base, but Vader chokes and kills him instead. Sisko and co. is on the Defiant, cloaked.
“I have an idea!” Sisko says.
“Yes, Captain?” Kira says.
“Let’s think of a more original storyline next time, okay?” Sisko says.
“I have an idea! What about the Son’a going back in time using the Nexus with the help of a resurrected Tolian Soran and stopping Second Contact?”
“That isn’t funny, Rick Berman.” Sisko snaps.
“You’re right. It’s the plot for the next TNG film.” Berman replies.
“My brother has to go through that?” Wharf says in disgust.
“Yes. Great, isn’t it?” Berman says.
“So, how do we stop the Evil Galactic Empire?” Bashir asks.
“Shut up Bashir, this is between Berman and me.” All of a sudden, Stormtroopers charge into the Defiant. Next thing our heroes know, they are in the brig.
“Odo, can you shapeshift into something to deal with this?”
“Yes, I think I can. At last I have something to do.” Odo shape-shifts into something to deal with that, and our heroes escape.
“Darth Vader, there is a problem on the Detention Level.” An Imperial Guy says.
“There’s no detention level on DS9!” Sisko says.
“There is now.” Vader says. “Sisko, do you know who your father is?”
“I know enough. I know he owns a restaurant on Planet Earth.”
“No, Benjamin.” Vader stretches out his hand.
“Lando Calrissian is your father.” Vader says. “So I’m going to kill you.”
“Father, there is good in you yet.” Luke says.
“Oh, shut up boy!” Darth Vader slices Luke to bits.
“Darth Vader!” An Imperial Guy says.
“What is it, Imperial Guy #2?”
“Sir, they don’t have the Force in this universe!”
“So?” Vader says.
“And they have no black coffee, either. Some person called ‘Janeway’ smuggled it all out.”
“No black coffee? I’m out of here. Prepare my ship for my arrival.” Vader turns around.
“Lando Calrissian has taught you well in the ways of the hothead. We shall meet again, but next time, I shall destroy you!”
“Uh, you have me at your mercy now.” Sisko says.
“Yes, but I don’t kill on an empty stomach. Beware, Sisko. Kegg is not as forgiving as I am.”
“Damn that self-obsessed author!” Vader and the Empire go away on their Star Destroyers.
“Captain!” Nog says, who appears out of nowhere.
“What is it?” Sisko says.
“[insert plausible technobabble] has shifted Deep Space Nine into another universe, the TrekBBS!”
“Time to take out the couch potatoes.” Sisko says.
“That’s the worst ending we have ever had, Sisko!” Kira says.
(And the plot hole widens asunder....)
Captain’s Log, Postdate: I’ve forgotten if it was 4723498.39322.343563.57.3453 or 241532.31131.411.135.643235. Anyway, we are stuck in the TrekBBS. It seems to be full of Trekkies for some reason, so I decided we must escape with a daring plan.
“Captain, we could use the thrusters to throw us back into our universe.” Kira says.
“Not daring enough, Major, err I mean Colonel. It has to be risky and with little chance of escape.”
“Uh, okay Sisko.” Sisko turns on DS9’s viewscreen, which reveals TrekBBS’s main board. “Hey look it! They have a Deep Space Nine forum.” Sisko says. Sisko uses his panel to enter into the DS9 forum. “Hey Kira, do you know anything about the DS9 Relaunch?”
“Why does it need a relaunch? It’s fine out here in space.”
“Well, according to this, you get command of DS9.”
“I do? Cool. Sisko, get out of Ops. I’m in charge here.”
“Oh, no you’re not! That was un-canonical information. I’m still in charge, and you’re demoted to Major!”
“‘Colonel Kira’ never had a nice ring to it.”
“I thought it did.”
“Shut up or I’ll demote you to Eye-Candy!”
“Now, if only there was a sufficiently daring way to escape.... Hey look at this! Sisko vs. Janeway! Woohoo!”
A Poster for the TrekBBS emails an Administrator. “Hi Generic Administrator, this is Generic Poster #1. Something is making the DS9 forum crash a lot.”
“I’ll look into it.” Generic Administrator responds. So he does. “Dear Great Bird of the Galaxy!” He says when he sees DS9 in orbit of the DS9 forum. The Administrator starts tapping wildly on his computer panel. “Maybe if I [insert plausible techno babble] I can knock it back into the Star Trek universe.” So he begins to do that. “Take that, Janeway!” Sisko says as he types rapidly on his panel.”
“Can we go home now?” Ezri Dax says.
“Why? This is great! I have my own fan club! I never had that on Bajor.”
“Everyone on Bajor worshipped you as the Emissary!” Kira says.
“So? This is better.”
“Maybe it’s great for you, but I’ve got tons of hatemail. No one likes me just because I’m a counselor.” Ezri Dax says.
“Tell me about it.” Troi says.
“Hey? Where did you come from?” Sisko asks.
“Writer’s prerogative. My equivalent of the Voyager Directive.” Kegg says. Sisko whirls around.
“I have had enough of you!” Sisko lunges at Kegg, but Kegg disappears in a transporter beam. Sisko hits the bulkhead and rolls onto the ground.
“If I ever get my hands on him...” Sisko says when he gets up.
“Captain, Generic Administrator has shifted us back into our universe.”
“About time, too. I just learned Kegg was on the TrekBBS. Living there with him would be a hellhole!” Sisko says. “So, what’s happening?” He asks.
“Zero, zilch, nothing.” O’Brien says.
“You mean, everything’s normal?” Sisko asks.
“Pretty much.” O’Brien says.
“When I asked the producers for a surprise ending, this is not what I had in mind!”
(To be continued, or not to be continued. That is the question .....)
Captain’s Log, Stardate: With Keiko O’Brien (behind Miles’ back, of course). Nothing is happening on DS9. Nothing! It’s beginning to resemble the first season. I’d take the Defiant for a joyride, but Wharf has decided to move into the Defiant. Sheesh, the place really stinks nowadays. So we have nothing to do.
“So Rom, why are you running Quark’s bar?” Bashir asks.
“I decided I’d take up the family business.” Rom says.
“But aren’t you the Grand Nagus?” O’Brien asks.
“I am?” Rom says.
“Funny how I never noticed.”
“Rom, you are the richest Ferengi in the universe.”
“Jamaican blend, right O’Brien?” Rom says.
Bashir sighs. Rom was so stupid.
“Triple-Strong, Triple Sweet.” O’Brien replies to Rom.
“I thought it was Double-Strong, Double-Sweet.” Bashir says.
“Brannon Braga is directing this episode.” O’Brien says.
“Oh.” Bashir says. “Talk about a filler scene.”
“When you have no plot, the episode is full of filler scenes.” O’Brien replies.
“Captain!” Kira says.
“What is it Kira?” Sisko asks.
“You know the Psi 2000 virus?”
“Oh no! Talk about rehashing!”
“Yeah, well, it’s on the station.”
“Woohoo! I can pull a Kirk and still have an excuse!” Sisko says. He grabs Ezri and they rush into his quarters.
“I thought we had something special!” Bashir says, and cries. Odo grabs Keiko and they are about to run off, when O’Brien says.
“Keiko, I thought we had something special.” Keiko turns a sickly shade of green at the thought of O’Brien.
“You mean you didn’t know? I’ve been dating Odo for the past seven years. He can turn into any shape I want, fat ugly guy!” Keiko and Odo rush to Odo’s quarters. O’Brien cries. Then O’Brien grabs Kira and they rush to his quarters. Bashir turns to Nog. “Well, I guess that leaves just you and me...” Bashir says.
“Hey, someone’s got to run the station!” Nog says.
“It’s not like anything interesting happens around here, Nog. This is DS9, the backwater junkyard to the stars. It’s not like a Dominion fleet is going to pour through the wormhole.” Nothing happens. Bashir gets irritated. “I said, it’s not like a Dominion fleet is going to pour through the wormhole!” He shouts. A Dominion fleet pours through the wormhole. “Sorry we’re late.” One of the Jem’Hadar says.
“You guys have to learn dramatic timing.” Bashir criticizes. Suddenly, the Defiant undocks.
“Face my smell!” Wharf says.
“Noooooo!!!!” The Jem’Hadar say, and they run away.
“Thanks Wharf, you just ruined our best plotline in months.”
“So? It was ridiculously overused.” Wharf complained.
“Hey, the Jem’Hadar carried the Psi 2000 viruses away with them.” Nog says.
“But the Jem’Hadar can’t reproduce!” Bashir exclaimed.
“Yes. The ultimate contraception, eh?” Nog says. So everyone gets dressed and comes out of their quarters and back to Ops.
“Bad news, guys.” Rick Berman says, when he appears out of nowhere. “We are canceling DS9.”
“I thought you did that already!” Sisko protests.
“Yes, but we are going to do it again and replace it with Series V: Star Trek: Voyager: The Next Generation. It’s about the Voyager-D lost in the Delta Quadrant. Our slogan: ’D is for Delta!’”
“I think Berman’s horrid announcement is better than any drama I’d have.” Sisko says.
“It’s great, isn’t it!” Berman says.
(And so the plot deepens space nine times......)
Captain’s Log, Stardate: With Yates, Keiko and Dax. Woohoo! Anyway, they are canceling DS9. But I won’t let them do that, will I?
“So, how can we stop them canceling DS9?” Sisko says. All of a sudden, a freighter comes out of the wormhole.
“Welcome to DS9 Horizons! We’ll help you, Sisko!” Generic DS9 Fan #1 says. Q appears.
“I’ll help you, Picard.” He says.
“I am not Picard!” Sisko shouts, and he hits Q down. Q clicks his fingers, and Sisko becomes Picard. Loads of TNG fans cheer. Generic DS9 Fan #1 says “I don’t like Picard. Fire at will!” He shouts. On the Enterprise-E, Riker is in a bubble-bath with Troi when a phaser blot kills him.
“He got blood all over me!” Troi says, and cries.
“No, no, no!” Generic DS9 Fan #1 says, and he shoots down Generic DS9 Fan Tactical Officer #1 in his best Kruge impersonation. Generic DS9 Fan Tactical Officer #2 takes his position. “This time, fire at Picard on my mark.” Generic DS9 Fan #1 says.
Picard says “Return Sisko and I back to our normal places Q!”
“Mon captain, you are so more entertaining than that bozo.” Q says.
“He’s got a point.” Kira says.
“Yes, but I’d prefer to be on the Enterprise.” Q smiles. “Good. I’d love to see how peanut-brain is.” Picard and Q disappear, and reappear on the Enterprise-E. A phaser shot kills Picard, but Q resurrects him again and blows up DS9 Horizons. Sisko reappears on DS9. “Well, know no-one will help us.”
“Hi, I’m Sulu, the head of the Excelsior Campaign, a far better series than ST:VOY:TNG. I’ll help.” The Excelsior fires at the Paramount Starship, but Paramount fires back and destroys the Excelsior. Then Wharf beams onboard the Paramount ship. Everyone abandons ship and ST:VOY:TNG is canceled. DS9 stays on the air. “I’m glad that’s over.” Sisko says.
“Captain! Some one’s taken over the station!” Ezri says.
“Who? Jem’Hadar? Bajorans? Cardassians?” Sisko asks.
“All three, sir. The Jem’Bajoradassians.” Ezri says.
“We’ll be back.” Sisko says silently. “We’ll be back.”
“Sisko, that dramatic last line sucks!” Kira says.
“Shut up, Eye-Candy!”
(And the plot is inbred ...)
Captain’s Log, Stardate: Not tonight, dear. I have a headache. Anyway we have escaped certain death on DS9, or Terok Nor as they are calling it now. Damn those Jem’Bajoradassians. The genetically engineered paranoid religious fanatics. After installing air fresheners, due to Wharf, we boarded the Defiant and flew away. We are en route to the only person who can help us.
“Captain, we are coming up on the Super-Duper-Blooper Fanfic Ship.” Ezri Dax says.
“On screen.” A big ship that looks super-cool, has loads of really high tech stuff and is really, really big comes onscreen.
“She’s a bonny ship. In fact, she’s the best ship in the fleet ever, and I’m really impressed by her Captain, blah blah blah praise this blah blah blah praise that.” Scotty says. “Damn those fanfic writers. I now have to design ships even though I hate starship designers, say every fanfic ship is the best I’ve seen, man Starbases, make guest cameos in thousands of fanfic stories. Whew, I’m tired of these bastards. Can’t they treat me with any respect?” Scotty says. “We’ll, good night.” Scotty goes away.
“Captain, the Super-Duper-Blooper Fanfic Ship is hailing.” Bashir says.
“Onscreen.” Generic Fanfic Captain appears on the Defiant’s screen.
“Hello there. I’m Generic Fanfic Captain. I am a drastic extension of my writer’s ego and I just so happen to be the best Starship Captain ever to exist with the best crew and ship ever to exist. How may I help you?”
“The evil, no-good, flea-ridden, hackneyed villains called the Jem’Bajoradassians have attacked and taken DS9.” Sisko says.
“I see. Generic Fanfic CONN Officer, who just happens to have graduated at the top of her class and is a better CONN Officer than anyone else ever to exist, even the ones on the Enterprise, set a course for Deep Space Nine, Super-Duper-Blooper-Trans-Stellar-Warp. Arm Super-Duper-Blooper-Torpedoes. Go to Super-Duper-Blooper-Ultra-Violet Alert. Don’t worry, Sisko. Our ship is made of pure Super-Duper-Blooper-Stuff, we have 47 billion Super-Duper-Blooper-Torpedo banks, and I’m a living legend and am considered the best Captain to have ever lived.”
“Why isn’t the Enterprise so good?” Sisko asks.
“I suppose they thought that it wasn’t good enough for me.” Generic Fanfic Captain says.
So Super-Duper-Blooper Fanfic Ship and the Defiant attack DS9 to take it back.
“Hey, your shoelace is untied.” A Jem’Bajoradassian says to Generic Fanfic Captain.
“It is?” Generic Fanfic Captain says. He looks down to his shoes. “Wait a second, I don’t have shoelaces!” he says, and then the Jem’Bajoradassians blow up the Super-Duper-Blooper Fanfic Ship. “They didn’t need to destroy them, we were retreating.” Bashir says.
“No, we weren’t!” Sisko says. “I’m glad they are dead. They really got on my nerves.”
“Agreed.” The DS9 cast says in union.
“Eye-Candy Kira, you are not allowed to speak!” Sisko says.
“Ok, how about this: I’m sensing the Jem’Bajoradassians may be hostile.” Kira says.
“Hey!” Ezri says. “Counselors are not Eye-Candy!”
“Which reminds me, Ezri why are you wearing a tight catsuit?” Sisko asks.
“Err, no reason.” Ezri says.
“Hey, I just thought of something.” Odo says.
“What is it, Odo?” Sisko says.
“I’m worshipped as a God by the Jem’Hadar, and you are worshiped by the Bajorans as Emissary! Maybe if we just boarded the station, and asked them, they’d hand it back to us!”
“But what about the Cardassian side of them?” O’Brien asked.
“I’ll handle that. I’m the leader of Cardassia, you know.” Garak said.
“Garak, how did you get here?” Bashir asked.
“How did I not get here, Doctor?” Garak asked.
“Anyway, let’s do it.” Sisko says, so they do and get DS9 back.
“Well, that’s the end of that.” Sisko says. A long pause.
“Hey, we can’t end a episode without a dramatic last line! But we need to be something dramatic about!”
“Do you have any idea how low the budget is?” Rick Berman asked. “It’s so low, the next episode is going to be a clip episode.”
“Nooooooooo!!!” The DS9 Cast says in union. (Sisko later chides Eye-Candy Kira for speaking.)
“Nooooooooo!!!” Trekkies say across the world in union.
(I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to say something here...)
Host’s Log, Hostdate: Sometime in Voyager’s Seventh Season. Hi, I’m Michael Dorn, (not Worf, damnit. I am not Worf! Ooo, Prune Juice) and I am hosting this clip episode of Deep Space Nine.
The camera pans over an audience to reveal Michael Dorn. “Hey!” A Die-hard Trekkie says “How come you look nothing like Worf?!” Dorn growls. “I am not Worf! I look nothing like Worf! And if you where any other fan I would kill you where you stand!” Dorn shouts. He looks back at the camera. “Oh, Hello again. Over the years, DS9 has got popularity due to intense drama. (Cut to scene from ”The Naked Rip-off“: ”I thought we had something special!“ — Bashir to Ezri) fast-paced but intellectual action (Cut to scene from ”Super-Duper-Blooper“: ”Hey, your shoelace is untied.“ — A Jem’Bajoradassian to Generic Fanfic Captain) and excellent punch lines (Cut to scene from ”Pocket Mirror“: ”No. He’s a decent villain.“ — Sisko). Well, that’s about all I am paid to say, so I am handing this clip episode over to everyone’s favorite producer—” someone hands Dorn a really big bag of money — “Brannon Braga.” Dorn leaves and Braga goes on stage. For some reason, Kegg is watching the show on his tiny TV set. “Damn you, Braga! You have ruined Star Trek!” Kegg turns to his Tactical Officer. “Fire at will!”
On the Enterprise-E, Riker is strolling down the corridor when he bumps into Picard. “Picard, I thought I was dead!”
“Oh come on, Will. This is Star Trek. No regular stays dead for long.”
“What about Kirk?”
“Have you read Shatner’s novels?”
“She was re-embodied in Ezri.”
“You wanted me, sir?” Tasha Yar asks Riker.
“See my point, Number One?”
“Yes. One more question: Whenever someone says, ‘Fire at will,’ I usually die. Why haven’t I died now?”
Kegg turns to his tactical officer. “What are you doing?”
“Taking my tea break.”
“I told you to fire at will!”
“And I heard you. I’ll fire when I’m ready.” Kegg points his phaser at his tactical officer.
“Yes, sir!” The Tactical Officer says. So the Tactical Officer fires and kills Brannon Braga. Trekkies everywhere cheer. Back on the set, Rick Berman comes onstage. “So we can have some time to mop up Braga’s corpse, the remainder of this episode is canceled.” Then, in his best UPN Promo Voice:
“Next Week On Voyager: Seven turns gay!” Sisko comes out from behind the curtain.
“What about what is going to happen in the next DS9 episode?”
“Who cares?” Rick Berman says. Sisko growls.
(And the plot is discarded...)
Captain’s Log, Stardate: 47 Squared. It’s great to use Algebra to get out of those tedious numbers. Anyhow, I have no idea what this week’s episode is going to be about. I’m sure a problem will present itself and be defeated and then everything returns to normal.
Ezri is drinking raktajino. “That’s strange.” Bashir says to O’Brien. “Shouldn’t she puke?”
“I have a feeling Brannon Braga is involved, Julian.” O’Brien says to Bashir.
“That’s the problem: Braga doesn’t like being killed, and he has been killed twice since he joined DS9, so he quit. Plus I hear his trailer was near Wharf.”
“And Michael Piller was appointed head of DS9 production instead. And he is a great Trekkie. He wouldn’t overlook something like that!”
“So what are you suggesting?” O’Brien asked.
“Something abnormal is going on.” Bashir says. O’Brien groaned.
“Oh no. Not one of those episodes again.”
“I’ve decided to join Starfleet!” Kira says for no reason.
“I’ve decided to tell the truth!” Garak says.
“I’ve decided to let people go about their business!” Odo says.
“I’ve decided to be faithful to my husband!” Keiko says.
“I’ve decided to cease to make annoying recurring cameos in my own story!” Kegg says.
“I’ve decided to take a bath!” Wharf says. Bashir and O’Brien exchange glances.
“At least the others were believable by a stretch of the imagination, but Wharf taking a bath? Something very strange is going on here.” O’Brien says. Bashir gets up. “I’d like all of you to come to Sickbay with me.” He says. And they all run away. Sisko comes out of his office. “I’ve decided to grow hair. I’m fed up for being the only bald Captain in Starfleet!” He says.
“Uh, sir, Kirk and Picard are—” O’Brien says.
“Not now, Doctor!” Sisko goes off looking for anti-balding cream.
“I thought he liked being bald!” Bashir says.
“Stranger and stranger.” O’Brien aggress.
“Hey, did you watch those Founder episodes?” Bashir asked.
“How couldn’t I?” O’Brien says. “I was in them.”
“Yeah, well remember the way if you checked a Founder’s blood you would know he’s a Founder?”
“I thought they didn’t have blood.” O’Brien says.
“Then how can you check for blood that isn’t there?”
“Never mind, O’Brien. Anyhow, maybe some of the crew have been replaced by Founders!” Bashir says.
“That’s right.” Nog says and he changes into goo.
“Wait a moment!” Sisko says. “I’m a Founder too!” Sisko turns into goo.
“So are we!” Bashir and O’Brien say, and they turn into goo. Sisko-Founder goes back to normal.
“Sisko-Founder station wide: Is there anyone who is not a Founder?” Everyone turns into goo, except Odo.
“Hold on! I’m not a Founder!” Odo says.
“You are not fooling anyone Odo.” Sisko-Founder says.
“I’m not a Founder!”
“Then what are you?”
“I’m a surgically altered Cardassian!” Wharf walks along.
“Why wasn’t I replaced?” Wharf asks. At Wharf’s smell all the Founders turn to dust. And stepping through a plot-hole in orbit of Deep Space Nine, Sisko and co. come back to the station. “Well, that’s the end of that.” Sisko says.
“Captain!” Ezri Dax says.
“Something’s following us through the plot-hole.” And Jadzia Dax appears.
“I knew, even though Dukat blew her to pieces, she’d be back.” Sisko says.
“He didn’t blow me to pieces! He blasted me with an energy-thingy!” Jadzia says.
(To be criticized...)
Captain’s Log Stardate: February Sweepstakes. In a desperate bid for sagging ratings, Terry Farrell... uh, I mean Jadzia Dax, has returned to the Station.
“So Jadzia, why are you here again?” Kira asks.
“Shut up, Eye-Candy!” Sisko says.
“Paramount agreed to give me a Huge Lump Payment of 47-Billon, so I signed on back as a regular.”
“Doesn’t that take away the drama of your death?” O’Brien asks.
“Yes, but who cares! It happens in Star Trek all the time!”
“Hey, if you’re a regular, who are you replacing?” Ezri asks.
“You.” Jadzia said. “We’re going to kill you off. The fans hate you.”
“I don’t hate Ezri.” Kegg says.
“Get out already, Kegg!” Sisko says.
“But why do they hate me?” Ezri asks.
“Where to start, where to start...” Jadzia says.
“You’re not going to kill me! I’ll escape on a runabout, gain super powers, and come back a few seasons later to wreck havoc!” Ezri says.
“Hey! You stole my idea!” Kes says.
“No, you stole a shuttlecraft and your powers were crappy. I’m going for super-duper powers!”
“Hey, that’s my idea!” Generic Fanfic Captain says.
“Not him again! He’s more annoying than Kegg!” Sisko says. Generic Fanfic Captain trips on his shoelaces.
“Hey, wait a minute, I don’t have shoelaces!” He says, and he dies for some reason. Everyone cheers. Jadzia Dax picks up her phone.
“Uh huh... yes this is Farrell... what! Paramount doesn’t have that type of money?” Jadzia stands up.
“Excuse me.” Angry, she walks out the plot-hole.
“Uh... I guess this means Ezri stays after all.” Nog says.
“Yeah, but it would have been cool if she turned evil.” O’Brien says.
“But she’s the only one who’s snogged me for ages!” Bashir says.
“So?” Sisko says.
“Captain, I have bad news. I am detecting crossover emissions.” O’Brien says.
“Crossover? With whom?”
“Loads and loads of fanfic, sir.”
“I thought we did this plot!”
“Sorry, I was running out of ideas. Would you prefer it if Wharf stank up the station for the next episode?” Kegg asks.
“Certainly not! Well, it looks like we will have to take out the garbage.” Sisko says. A long pause.
“Hey, no-one’s interrupting me this time! Woohoo!” Sisko says.
“Don’t jinx it.” Kira says.
“Don’t make me tell you to shut up...”
“Then promote me.” Kira says.
“Kira-fans are whining that I can’t say anything.”
“Eye-Candy, if you can’t say anything nice...”
“Who’s for darts?” Bashir asks.
(And the funny end tag has been ripped of so I stuck up this filler line.)
Captain’s Log, Stardate: Green tonight. Woohoo! Anyhow, we are stuck in a universe with all the fanfic! I’m scared. Think of the Trekkies out there!
“Captain, there is a lot of ships out there!” O’Brien says.
“Onscreen.” We see a whole bunch of fan-designed ships.
“Captain, we are being hailed. Apparently someone on each vessel is a friend of yours.”
“Damn fanfic writers!”
“Captain, I am reading enormous ego boosts! Apparently, every commander out there is the Federation’s greatest tactician, and they are all looked upon as legends!”
“We’ll see about that. Tacticise this!” Sisko nods for some reason, and the Defiant undocks.
“Face my smell!” Wharf says.
“Nooooo!” Captain Lucidic Moron says.
“Nooooo!” Captain Author’s Name says.
“Nooooo!” All the Fanfic Captains say in union. Wharf drives the Defiant up to them, and their ships disintegrate.
“Yay!” The crew says in union.
“Captain, we have a problem.” Ezri says.
“What’s that, Ezri?”
“The episode’s plot is already over, but the episode has a while to go. How are we going to entertain the audience?”
“Filler scenes!” Bashir says. “Anyone for darts?”
“But you always win, Bashir!” O’Brien says.
“But that’s only because the scriptwriters changed my character to have me genetically altered.”
“That’s because no-one liked naïve Bashir!” Sisko says.
“He was quite boring at lunchtimes.” Garak said.
“Why didn’t you just say so, Garak?” Bashir says.
“And ruin my only way to get screen time? I don’t think so, my good doctor.”
“What about my screen time?!” Odo says. “The show barely ever uses me nowadays!”
“That’s because the ‘I want to be with my people’ plot became boring, Odo.”
“What about the Odo-Kira relationship?” Odo says. Everyone laughs, including Kira. Odo cries.
“Shut up, Eye-Candy!” Sisko says.
“Sisko, this is getting really old.” Kira says. Sisko gets his baseball bat.
“At least this is good for something.”
“What about playing baseball, Dad?” Jake asks.
“The producers forced me to do that so those annoying baseball fans would like me. I never played or saw a game until ‘Take Me Out to the Holosuite.’ And I never want to see one again!” Sisko says. Sisko then beats Kira with a baseball bat, and Kegg takes the baseball bat away.
“What did you do that for?” Sisko asks.
“Copyright infringement.” Kegg replies, and throws the bat away.
“Hey, we are shutting down DS9 now.” Rick Berman says.
“Not again!” Kira says. Sisko jabs her for speaking.
“We are starting a movie franchise!” Rick says.
“Why?” Bashir asks.
“We had to find a way to get DS9 Horizons to shut up. Rest assured, the movie is so under-budgeted we can’t afford a new script so it’s going to be DS9 Monologues II: The Wrath of Quark.”
“Shouldn’t there be a DS9 Monologues I?” O’Brien asks.
“Um, we left the camera on when you where asleep and we compiled it into a movie. DS9 Monologues: The Monochrome Palette! It’s a hit at the box office!” Berman says.
“You what?!” Sisko says.
(And the human, err... we mean Human-Bajoran-Changeling-Trill-Klingon-Cardassian-Ferengi misadventure is only beginning...)
(P.S. DS9 Monologues II: The Wrath of Quark will be done on an original post.)