How to Build Your Own Transporter

Written by Unknown

Surprise friends! Great gag at parties! No more car!

That’s right! Transporter technology has finally been accomplished in the twentieth century. Now, this project may be costly, but it’s well worth it. First obtain the items on this list:

Bill of Materials

• 1 Microwave Oven
• 1 Telephone Booth
• 2 Large Potatoes
• 1 Clean-Cut Dilithium Crystal (if this item is not available, rock candy will suffice)
• 2 oz. Antimatter (alternatively, use three pounds of Chernobyl’s finest coffee beans, sufficiently ground and mixed with three drops of nitric acid)
• 5 Feet Coaxial Cable
• 1 Transporter Circuit No. 5 (check your local Radio Shack)
• 1 Television Satellite Dish
• 1 Transtator Recording Disc No. 8 (if unavailable, take 2 frisbees and tape a microphone in between them)
• Jumper Cables
• 1 “AA” battery
• Elmer’s Glue
• A firm belief in God and the afterlife (a little transporter humor there)

Construction

This method of construction is a bit cursory, so if the following is not too safe, I recommend Transporter Chief Kyle’s Treatise on Atom Displacement.

1. After the successful acquisition of a telephone booth, disassemble the microwave oven casing and readjust it to fit the interior of the booth.
2. Implant the transtator disc to the satellite dish.
3. It is now safe to install Transporter Circuit No. 5.
4. Glue the dilithium crystal to the leads of the Transporter circuit.
5. Now glue one and only one potato to the other end of the dilithium crystal. (This part is crucial because two potatoes would generate an overabundant piezoelectric effect which would induce a meltdown known as the China Syndrome. Let’s just say that it would not be a pretty sight.) Leave the second potato for an emergency.
6. With steady hands, create an 8 molar solution of antimatter (brew coffee beans for precisely 5 hours, 32 minutes, and 12 seconds). Soak the “AA” battery in solution for 2 days. Remove gently and wash hands, as antimatter may irritate skin. (See footnote)
7. Connect the battery to the potato with the jumper cables.

Congratulations! You now have a transporter. Unfortunately, this device is primitive, and an atomic receiving mechanism is required. I have not yet figured out this crucial half of the mechanism, although I am fairly certain that it involves a sewing machine and two tons of raw flesh. (Hey, it worked for Frankenstein.)

Good luck!

WARNING: As one ounce of antimatter has been documented to rip away an entire planet’s atmosphere, two ounces may be harmful to your health and possibly lethal. Avoid contact with eyes and skin. If contact occurs, rinse affected area immediately. If accidentally ingested, alert your local poison control center and bomb squad. Antimatter has been linked with cancer in lab animals.