25 Ways to Ruin Voyager’s Seventh Season

Written by "Rivannovic" at the TrekBBS

In response to the season 7 synopses posted, I decided to make a season 7 of really bad, really cheesy episodes that would ruin Voyager. I am not including “Unimatrix Zero, Part II,” because I have no intention of knowing part 1 before I watch it. By the way, if anything seems like it makes no sense or is inconsistent... Q did it.

• Episode 2: B’Elanna is nearly killed in a shuttle accident. She sees a vision of Kahless, who grants her three wishes. She uses the first wish for a DNA scan on the residue left on the schedule. She uses the second wish for definitive proof that it is Kahless, and receives the sacred texts, so she is convinced. The crew urges her to use the third wish to get the ship home, but after a long talk with Captain Janeway, decides to use it to have a five minute conversation with her parents. She finds out that she is not a disappointment to them.
• Episode 3: A photonic lifeform invades Fair Haven, and spreads a plague. The plague is going to spread to the ship, killing the entire crew, but Janeway orders that Michael Sullivan be transferred to another holodeck and the program not be shut down, and after almost getting killed by the photonic lifeform, they make a deal with it to trade stories for the cure.
• Episode 4: Q’s son has conquered the entire Q continuum, and plans to force his godmother Janeway to make Seven his wife. In the end, Seven has to fight Q’s son one-on-one to save the Q continuum.
• Episode 5: A Borg cube attacks Voyager, and nearly destroys it. Icheb offers to return to the cube with the pathogen to save them. Seven talks him out of it in favor of having the entire crew assimilated. In the end, Icheb sabotages the ship so Seven cannot stop him from returning to the cube and saving Voyager. But, when the cube is being disabled, Seven managed to lock onto Icheb, and get him to the Doctor in time to save him.
• Episode 6: Tom Paris realizes he doesn’t like Voyager very much after all, and requests to leave for the Delta Quadrant’s version of Risa on the Delta Flyer. While he is gone, a Borg sphere captures Voyager. However, instead of assimilating the crew, the Borg place them in a simulation to see how the Federation will react to the Borg virus. So, they think that they find a wormhole that leads them to the Alpha Quadrant, and the early symptoms of the Borg virus are showing. Voyager works together with the fake Starfleet Headquarters to stop the Borg virus. Meanwhile, Tom Paris realizes that twentieth century Earth automobiles are against the law on Delta Risa, and decides to return to Voyager. Completely inept without Seven, he builds a rudimentary cloak and rescues Seven. Seven manages to destroy the Borg cube and save the crew. The crew is disappointed not to be in the Alpha Quadrant.
• Episode 7: Seven is given an order, and does not follow it. She realizes that following orders goes against the ethic of individuality. Some alien attacks, she saves the ship. Janeway reminds her that she was ordered to save the ship. Seven is promoted to the position of “ship saver,” and she realizes that sometimes, you have to follow orders.
• Episode 8: Another Pathfinder mission, and for some reason, Starfleet is able to transport people to Voyager and back, but can’t transport the crew back. Janeway gets into a catfight with Mark’s wife, while Mark watches. Tuvok meets T’Pel, Paris meets his father, etc. Barclay transports through, then sabotages the mission so he can’t be transported back. He becomes assistant ship saver to Seven. I’ve got it! You have to transport through for the Pathfinder system to be able to lock onto your signal to get back!
• Episode 9: Janeway realizes Kim is way overdue for a promotion, and makes him lieutenant commander. Entering hostile territory, Kim, nervous with his new collar, accidentally fires torpedoes and destroys an unarmed transport ship. Luckily, Seven is able to transport the attractive young alien with a short skirt out in time. Ironically, the woman was falsely accused of a crime and was running for her life. The bad aliens thought she was dead, so she falls in love with Kim, who saved her life. The bad aliens find out she is alive, and demand her back. Kim is really annoyed that every time a woman falls in love with him, he’s ordered to stop seeing her, so he blows his top in front of Janeway. They devise a plan to fake her death with a transporter when they agree to trade their super-duper engines for her execution. Kim finally gets a girlfriend who is still on the ship at the end of the episode! Meanwhile, Barclay, after seeing the girl stuck in the transporter beam almost killed in the act of getting her out of it, has a relapse of transporter phobia. The super-duper engine burns out after 10,000 light years.
• Episode 10: Kim’s girlfriend realizes she has no place on Voyager, and after sixty minutes of character development for the Borg children, Barclay, and Kim, his girlfriend is transported down to a friendly planet. Kim is excited to have set a new record of keeping a girl for two episodes.
• Episode 11: Voyager reaches the Enterprise-E, adrift in space, and realizes that a third Caretaker brought it there. The entire TNG cast is there, except of course for Picard and Data, who were on a shuttle mission at the time. Worf was being transported to Kronos when it happened, and became acting first officer to Riker. Barclay says hi to Geordi. They pick up on the signal of the third Caretaker, and find it being attacked by Borg. The Enterprise-E and Voyager save it, but not in time to prevent it from being killed. The Caretaker only has the energy to get one of the two ships back to the Alpha Quadrant, and does so for the Enterprise. Before it dies, it tells Voyager where its mate is. Voyager sets course for its mate. Afterwards, they wonder why they didn’t just transport the crew to the Enterprise.
• Episode 12: Voyager remembers the good times and the bad times, and flashbacks are shown. Seven wonders why people want to know the past as much as the present, and Janeway lectures her. Meanwhile, an epidemic spreads across Voyager. Team Save the Ship are the only two unaffected for some reason. They wonder why only they are unaffected, and it turns out that it is because Seven’s nanoprobes combated it. However, they don’t work on anybody else, so they turn to why Barclay was unaffected. The chemical that causes anxiety in humans kills the virus! They save the ship by scaring the ship by feeding them scary memories from the past six years. Barclay starts taking ritalin.
• Episode 13: Four years ago a transporter accident, similar to the one that created Tom Riker, created a Chakotay clone on a planet. He thinks that the Voyager crew was killed. So, the Voyager crew starts finding that their scars were mysteriously disappearing, and the real Chakotay (Who was rendered blind at the start of the episode), regains his sight. They find out that the other Chakotay, who they call ‘Chakomay,’ went back to the wormhole in “Eye of the Needle,” after fashioning a ship small enough to get through, and he made it so Chakotay never hid in the Badlands. So, the Enterprise-E was never sent back to the Alpha Quadrant in the episode “clip show.” Guinan realizes something is wrong, but Picard isn’t there to listen to her, so she is on her own. She takes control of the ship, and just before she is beaten, she sends a message through that same wormhole, so it reaches Starfleet in 2371. Now, the Enterprise was responsible for destroying a Borg cube just a week after it got back, so Starfleet Command sends Riker on a secret mission to stop Chakomay. He fails. But, he is able to get the message to past Tuvok that it is imperative that they go to the Badlands. So, he convinces past Chakotay that Chakomay is an impostor and not his future self. All is well.
• Episode 14: Tuvok loses his memory, then gets it back.
• Episode 15: A mysterious disease infects the crew. Everybody develops a split personality, one of them being the exact opposite of the other. Neelix is the only person unaffected, because of his Talaxian physiology. Well, Seven too, of course. They don’t notice a problem for forty minutes into the episode, and the opposite personalities are gradually taking control of their bodies. Now, they think the Doctor is unaffected, but for some reason he isn’t, and the evil Doctor masquerades as the Doctor. The Doctor sabotages the efforts to destroy the virus, and Neelix has to fight him to get to the Off Button. Ultimately, Seven uses her nanoprobes to destroy the virus, by assimilating and de-assimilating the crew. During the brief period in which they are assimilated, they realized their true feelings for each other.
• Episode 16: Chakotay is on an away mission with Tuvok, Paris, and B’Elanna. Tuvok, Paris, and B’Elanna are in a cave, relying on Chakotay to get them out, when his VISOR malfunctions (He was rendered blind in episode 13, remember?) They are ambushed by rogue Vidiians (Vidiians who left the homeworld to look for a cure instead of stealing people’s bodies) who don’t know that the phage was cured by Jason Alexander. Tuvok and Paris escape to find that B’Elanna is being tortured for her Klingon DNA (instead of simply taking an ounce of blood). Chakotay is found by another shuttle, which is carrying Team Save the Ship. Barclay comes up with a way to feed sensor information with Seven’s implants directly into Chakotay’s ocular implants, so even though the shuttle is damaged, they are able to transport them out. Seven finds a cure for the phage, and they go back to Vidiia through a wormhole.
• Episode 17: The ship narrowly escapes from some anomaly, and when repairing the ship, they find Lt. Carey buried somewhere in the ship’s wall. The power system had blocked the lifesigns, and had preserved him since they assumed he was dead in a Kazon attack. He spends the episode thinking about what could have been if they never clumsily ran into that event horizon six years ago. He sacrifices himself to save the ship.
• Episode 18: They find themselves in the middle of a territorial dispute, and find themselves falsely accused of killing he leader of the aliens, Ktarin. They know it is either Harren or Myaral who killed him, and have to figure out who. After forty minutes of trying to trap the real killer, they remember that they have a Betazoid on board. They easily figure out who the real killer is, and go through a wormhole that gets them 20,000 light years closer to home.
• Episode 19: The Pathfinder mission is sabotaged by Cardassians, who want to use Seska’s reputation to take control of the Delta Quadrant. But, the only location lock they can get is the one already established with Voyager. So, Voyager is attacked by Cardassians, and the crew taken captive. To be continued...
• Episode 20: Through Team Save the Ship’s heroics, they get the ship back, Admiral Paris manages to get the station back. So, they use the Pathfinder technology to get Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant, but right when they are about to do so, Voyager goes right past the station, because with all of the shortcuts they were already back in the Alpha Quadrant. But, when they turn out of the way of the Pathfinder Array, they not only accidentally fuse its circuits, they slip through a wormhole, which promptly collapses. They set course for the fourth Caretaker.
• Episode 21: The Doctor discovers subspace transmissions to the Cardassians. He tells Chakotay that somebody else from the Maquis was working for the Cardassians, and he yells at the Doctor. He makes an offensive comment about holograms, and the Doctor complains to the captain. Janeway yells at Chakotay for not treating him like an individual. But, more transmissions are made. It turns out that the Doctor’s second personality was preserved with a program, put there by Seska, and taken control of. In fact, he sent the subspace signals! He has to fight his other self in the holodeck, and apologizes to Chakotay. Janeway makes him an Emergency Ensign Hologram, in addition to just a medical hologram.
• Episode 22: Janeway is lost in a shuttle explosion, and Chakotay takes command. The crew deals with Janeway disappearing. But, they get a transmission from another ship that says Janeway wasn’t on the shuttle when it exploded. They attack an alien ship and save Janeway.
• Episode 23: Barclay falls in love with Janeway, and asks her out. The Doctor feels insulted as a hologram, and tells Michael Sullivan. There is a holodeck malfunction which deletes his ethical subroutines, and he tries to kill Barclay. With all this talk about love, Doctor finally asks Seven out. Janeway is finally forced to shut down the program to save her new real life lover’s life.
• Episode 24: Janeway decides to lock herself in the brig for murdering Michael Sullivan. She is ordered not to, but she insists. She tries to kill herself, then realizes that she has to live with her sin. The Doctor goes out with Seven, and it isn’t like he expected it to be. They end up realizing they only want to be friends... when at the last moment, Seven starts kissing the Doctor when she changes her mind.
• Episode 25: Neelix realizes that after 70,000 light years of traveling, while the crew has been traveling to home, when he has been traveling away from home. He feels nostalgia for Talax, and decides to go back anyway. Icheb’s device uncovers a wormhole to exactly ten years behind Ocampa, and he decides to go back to Talax when he finds out that it was attacked by the Kazon. He kills Culluh and saves Talax, but the wormhole is destroyed in the process.
• Episode 26: They make contact with the fourth Caretaker, and the fourth caretaker sends them home. They all meet their families, and get new jobs in the Federation.