The Weakest Link: The Trek Children Edition

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published June 2, 2001

VOICE-OVER: Tonight, one of these snot-nosed brats could win One Million Dollars. But first they’ll have to contend with each other. The host will have to contend with all of them, which is why we’ve given her extra Tylenol. As we play... The Weakest Link!!

Q2: Hello. I am Q2. Son of the famous Q. If I ever have a child, I might name him Q2, too.

CHARLIE X: Hello. I’m Charlie X. Me and my mother, Madame X, hail from the infamous Planet X.

NAOMI: Hello. I’m Naomi Wildman. Bridge assistant extraordinare.

ICHEB: Hello. I’m Icheb, reformed Borg drone. And I have to deal with Naomi.

ARTIM: Hello. I’m Artim, you’ll remember me as the annoying “Don’t you ever play” kid from Insurrection.

WESLEY: Hello, I’m Wesley Crusher. I don’t expect to be here too long, so I’ve left my car running.

HOST: Hello team. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

Round One

HOST: Q2, Who was the last person to play the scarecrow in the Q Continuum?

Q2: Can I use one of my lifelines? I wish to Phone-a-Q.

HOST: Wrong show.

HOST: Charlie, according to Miss Manners, what is the proper way to introduce yourself to a lady?

CHARLIE X: Smack her on the ass.

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Naomi, which explorer conquered Mexico?

NAOMI: Indiana Jones.

HOST: Wrong! You’ve been taking Chakotay’s history class, haven’t you?

HOST: Icheb, what is the name of Naomi’s mother?

ICHEB: I didn’t realize she had a mother.

HOST: I’ll accept that.

HOST: Artim, who invented the Xerox machine?

ARTIM: The what?

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Wesley, how many stars are found in this galaxy?

WESLEY: 6,233,475,047.

HOST: Wrong... Idiot!! The correct answer is 6,233,475,047!

WESLEY: That’s what I said!

HOST: Who cares? This is my show, and you’re history!

HOST: Time’s up, team. And thanks to the inept Wesley Crusher, you have banked absolutely nothing!! Which of your teammates needs to go back to Kindergarten and eat the Play-Doh?

(Canned audience laughter.)

HOST: Vote off... the weakest link!!

VOICE-OVER: Wesley Crusher was the weakest link in that round. The strongest link was... Oh, who cares. The important thing to note is that Wesley Crusher was the weakest link. That’s Wesley Crusher: C-R-U-S-H-E-R.

HOST: Voting over, team. Let’s save everybody some time. Did anybody not vote for Wesley Crusher?

(Crickets chirping.)

HOST: That’s what I thought. Wesley Crusher, with every vote in the cosmos. You are the weakest link! Goodbye!!

(Backstage) WESLEY: Who cares? I don’t. Besides, I’m late for the luncheon with my fan club. We’re up to two members now... If you count me and my mother!

Round Two

HOST: Okay team. We’ve gotten the formalities out of the way. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

HOST: Q2, what was the name of the famous court case that made abortion legal?

Q2: Q v Q?

HOST: Wrong! Roe v. Wade.

HOST: Charlie, what song was made famous by the musical duo known as Spock/Uhura?

CHARLIE: All I know is that it was a very brief song... Mwaaa ha ha ha ha!

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Naomi, who was the first cosmonaut launched into space?

NAOMI: I do so have a mother, she’s just been very very busy!!

HOST: Wrong! Try to stay on topic, Naomi.

HOST: Icheb, what was Seven of Nine’s involvement in Unimatrix Zero?

ICHEB: I’d rather not talk about Seven of Nine.

HOST: Hmmmm... Turn down your advances, did she?

ICHEB: Repeatedly!!

HOST: Artim, what computer language is used most often?

ARTIM: I don’t know! My people have rejected technology! Don’t you have any questions with a Little House on the Prairie theme?

HOST: No dice!

HOST: Good grief, kids. You banked nothing once again. And people wonder why the Japanese are ahead of us. Which of these little monsters needs to go back to Tinker Toys?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST: Vote off... the weakest link!!

VOICE-OVER: Icheb was the strongest link in that round. Mainly because he’s had to deal with Naomi for so long. Charlie X was the weakest link. Although he did bring a merciful end to that dreadful song: “Oh Charlie’s our new darling.” But will the team have noticed?

HOST: Voting over! Let’s see the results...

Q2: Naomi.





HOST: Q2, why have you voted for Naomi?

Q2: She completely blew her question. She was too busy trying to explain about that mother.

HOST: You watch your language!

Q2: No, I meant her mother.

HOST: Oh. Icheb, why have you voted for Q2?

ICHEB: The only reason he’s here is because his daddy played Q all those years. And I can’t stand nepotism!

HOST: Q2, with four votes. You are the weakest link.... Goodbye!

(Backstage) Q2: So what if they vote me off. Who cares? I’ve gotten to see Seven of Nine naked. I have seen the promised land!

Round Three

HOST: Okay, you little brats. No allowance banked so far. Pity. But here goes nothing. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

HOST: Charlie, what method did Allied Forces use to invade Normandy?

CHARLIE: They closed their eyes and broke the enemy’s legs?

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Naomi, who did Marlon Brando portray in The Godfather?

NAOMI: Neelix?

HOST: Wrong! You’re confusing your godfathers, dear.

NAOMI: Jor-El?

HOST: Shut up! It’s not your turn anymore!

HOST: Icheb, what type of pathogen was developed to disable the Borg?

ICHEB: There’s been so many. And this is only an hour show...

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Artim, what method of irrigation is most recommended for wheat fields?

ARTIM: My people have rejected agriculture too. Ever since they built the Pizza Hut...

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: You nitwits! You are still banking nothing! You just make me sick! Ugh! But time to vote off another team-mate. Who has difficulty finding Waldo?

(Canned laughter.)

HOST: Vote off... the weakest link!

VOICE-OVER: Icheb was the strongest link that round. He almost got his question right. Artim was the weakest link and keeps whining about his bedtime.

HOST: Let’s see the results, kiddies!


NAOMI: Artim.

ICHEB: Artim.

ARTIM: Naomi.

HOST: Charlie, why have you voted for Icheb?

CHARLIE: Because his Borg pathogen theory is ridiculous! The Borg would have to be really really dumbed-down before such a plan would work.

HOST: Naomi, why have you voted for Artim?

NAOMI: He scares me. He’s got something crawling around his underpants.

ARTIM: It’s just my computer generated pet mouse!!

NAOMI: I thought your people rejected technology.

HOST: Artim, with two votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!

(Backstage) ARTIM: I have to go home now.

Round Four

HOST: Okay, team. Obviously money doesn’t appeal to you, because you’ve banked nothing. Perhaps we should offer food stamps instead. But nevertheless, let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

HOST: Charlie, what royal female figure is found on face cards of a standard playing deck?

CHARLIE: Janice Rand.


HOST: Naomi, what is the most effective way to search for a Borg drone?

NAOMI: Set the scanners to the frequency of their cortical node.

HOST: Wrong! Oh grow up, Naomi!

HOST: Icheb, when a new lifeform is detected inside a Klingon female, what is usually the cause?

ICHEB: Pregnancy!

HOST: Wrong!! The correct answer is alien parasite... Idiot!

HOST: Time’s up. And you people have banked nothing! But don’t worry, we passed the collection plate around before the show and raised $47. But first, we have to eject one more person. Which of your teammates needs an intellectual spanking?

(Insert canned laughter.)

HOST: Vote off... the weakest link!!

VOICE-OVER: Charlie was the weakest link in that round. He missed that easy question about face cards. I’m afraid he’s not playing with a full deck. A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

HOST: Okay team, let’s see the results.

CHARLIE: The voice-over guy. For his lame pun.

NAOMI: Charlie.

ICHEB: Charlie.

HOST: Naomi, why have you voted for Charlie?

NAOMI: Because I would much rather play with Icheb in the final round. He’s a brilliant young man and I really look up to him.

HOST: Icheb, why did you vote for Charlie?

ICHEB: Because I’d much rather play against Naomi in the final round. She’s a moron and I’ll squash her like a bug.

NAOMI: Ouch!

HOST: Charlie, with two votes. You are the weakest link... Goodbye!

(Backstage): CHARLIE: I put real turkeys in the food processors, and this is the thanks I get?

Final Round

HOST: Okay kids. Just the two of you now. Playing for $47. I’ll ask you both two questions. Whoever gets the most right wins. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

HOST: Icheb, how many Borg brats are there in the whole Collective?

ICHEB: Too many, unfortunately.

HOST: I’ll accept that.

HOST: Naomi, where do Ktarian eggs come from?

NAOMI: The dairy section of the grocery store.

HOST: I’ll accept that.

HOST: Icheb, why do the Borg keep sending only one ship to assimilate Earth?

ICHEB: I’ve been asking that question for years!

HOST: Sorry, not good enough.

HOST: Naomi, if you answer this question correctly, you win. Who was the first child born on Voyager?

NAOMI: Oh, I know this! I’m going to win this game!

WILDMAN: (from backstage) Naomi!! Dinner!!

NAOMI: Okay, mama. Sorry guys, I have to go.

HOST: Well Icheb, you win the $47 by default. You are tonight’s strongest link!!

(Backstage) ICHEB: I’ll be damned, she does have a mother!

(Backstage) NAOMI: Where the hell have you been??

HOST: Goodbye!!!