The Weakest Link: The Trek Captains Edition

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published June 3, 2001

Here we go... Once again. Yes, I do realize that I need to get a life! 😀

VOICE-OVER: Today, one of these six captains could win One Million Dollars. But I wouldn’t hold your breath, you know these captains as well as I do. So let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

KIRK: I am Captain James T. Kirk. I am responsible for the lives of 430 crew members.

PICARD: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard. I’m from the 24th Century where we have a more evolved sensibility... fire!!

JANEWAY: I am Captain Kathryn Janeway. And the only thing I hate more than the Prime Directive is the Temporal Prime Directive.

TERRELL: I am Captain Terrell of the USS Reliant. Something tells me I’ll be the first to go.

HARRIMAN: I am Captain Harriman of the Enterprise-B. I still don’t know how the hell I got that title.

PIKE: (Beep... Beep...)

(VOICE-OVER): That’s Captain Christopher Pike. Is that who you are, sir?

PIKE: (Beep... Beep...)

HOST: Hello Captains, welcome aboard!

OUTRAGED FAN: Hey!! Where the hell is Captain Sisko??

(VOICE-OVER): The writer of this program doesn’t know the first thing about Captain Sisko, so he has taken the UPN promo approach.

OUTRAGED FAN: I am outraged!!

HOST: Anyway! Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

Round One

HOST: Kirk, Which cowardly Starfleet officer cheated his way through the Kobayashi Maru scenario?

KIRK (proudly): Me!!

HOST: Correct!!

HOST: Picard, what brilliant musical group released the albums “Disintegration” and “Bloodflowers”?

PICARD: Don’t you have any opera questions?

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Janeway, in the Hanon System, what is the best way to start a fire?

JANEWAY: Chop off your hair!

HOST: Correct!

HOST: Terrell, who was the first person to run the four minute mile?

TERRELL: Um... I... Um...

HOST: Answer me!!

TERRELL: It is difficult... I try to obey...

HOST: Moving on!

HOST: Harriman, how many moons does Mars have?

HARRIMAN: Captain Kirk, I would appreciate any suggestions you might have...

KIRK: No way!

HOST: Moving on!

HOST: Pike, who was the first female to be elected to Congress?

PIKE: (Beep... Beep...)

HOST: You’ll have to be more specific!

PIKE: (Beep... Beep...)

HOST: Wrong!!

HOST: Ugh! Fools! You banked nothing! Time to vote off one of you people. Which of your team-mates needs to be whacked on the head with a captain’s log? (canned laughter)

HOST: Vote off... The Weakest Link!

(VOICE-OVER): Janeway was the strongest link in the round. That should tell you that Voyager rules. Picard was the weakest link... He didn’t know that the answer to his question was The Cure. He makes me sick!

HOST: Voting over. Let’s see who you picked.

KIRK: Picard!!

PICARD: Harriman.

JANEWAY: Picard!!


HARRIMAN: Picard!!

PIKE: (Beep... Beep...)

HOST: Captain Pike! I’ll need a real vote! Enough of this beeping business!

PIKE: (Beep... Beep...)

HOST: That’s it!! I don’t care what the voting says! Captain Pike, you’ve been nothing but trouble since you got here. You are the weakest link... Get out of my face!!

(Backstage) PIKE: (Beep... Beep...)

Round Two

HOST: Okay, I’m sorry you people had to put up with somebody so difficult. But now that’s behind us. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

HOST: Kirk, how many alien females have you shagged?

KIRK: According to my log, well over a million. But in all honesty, it’s been about three.

HOST: Correct!

HOST: Picard, Kate Mulgrew played what role on Ryan’s Hope?

PICARD: I didn’t mean soap opera questions!!

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Janeway, how many alien females have you shagged?

JANEWAY: I’d like to take a pass on this question, please.

HOST: Moving on!

HOST: Terrell, what did Mike Tyson do when he lost his bout for the boxing title?

TERRELL: He went... wild. He... slit their throats. He wanted to... tear the place apart...

HOST: I’ll accept that!

HOST: Harriman, when did the famous Yalta Conference take place?

HARRIMAN: Tuesday?

HOST: Wrong!!

HOST: What a horrible, wretched shame! You’ve banked nothing! Time to vote off somebody else. Which of your team-mates thinks the Neutral Zone is one of the gears of a car? (canned laughter)

HOST: Vote off... The Weakest Link!!

(VOICE-OVER): Captain Kirk was the strongest link in that round. Captain Janeway was the weakest link. Which should prove that Voyager rules, right? Just shut up and say yes!

HOST: Voting over. Let’s see who bites it this time?

KIRK: Picard!!

PICARD: Harriman.

JANEWAY: Harriman.

TERRELL: Harriman.

HARRIMAN: Tuesday.

HOST: Janeway, why have you voted for Captain Harriman?

JANEWAY: I’ve seen Generations. I know he borrowed Tuvok without permission!

HOST: Kirk, why do you keep voting for Picard?

KIRK: The least I could do for the captain of the Enterprise.

HOST: Captain Harriman, with three votes. You are the Weakest Link... Goodbye!!

(Backstage): HARRIMAN: (sobbing) Signal the closest starship, I’m in no condition to drive myself home.

Round Three

HOST: You people have Zippo! And I ain’t talking about lighters! But let us continue on to the next round. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

HOST: Kirk, what was the last name of your girlfriend, Antonia?

KIRK: How the hell should I know?? I never even heard of her until Generations came out!

HOST: I’ll accept that!

HOST: Picard, what famous opera has the word “phantom” in its title?

PICARD: The Phantom Menace!!

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Janeway, how many shuttlecrafts did Voyager have when they arrived in the Delta Quadrant?


HOST: Correct!

HOST: Terrell, what phrase do doctors frequently utter when a dead organ donor arrives?

TERRELL: “Hmmmm... Maybe this is something we can transplant”?

HOST: Correct!

HOST: Round over. Nobody ever banks anymore! Has it become that out-of-style? Oh well, time to get rid of somebody. Which of your team-mates goes to Jupiter to get more stupider? (canned laughter)

HOST: Vote off... The Weakest Link!!

(VOICE-OVER): Janeway was the strongest link in that round, mainly for having the foresight of requesting so many shuttlecrafts. Picard was the weakest link. Mr. “Evolved Sensibility” has missed three in a row. But did the team notice?

HOST: Okay team, let’s see the results.

KIRK: Picard!!

PICARD: Terrell.

JANEWAY: Terrell.


HOST: Kirk, once again you’ve voted for Picard. Why?

KIRK: Because like a poor marksman, he keeps missing the target!

HOST: Terrell, why have you voted for Kirk?

TERRELL: I’ve never even met Admiral Kirk.

HOST: Admiral?? Admiral! Admiral...... —I’m sorry, where was I? Oh yeah. Captain Terrell, with two votes. You are the Weakest Link... Goodbye!

(Backstage) TERRELL: So I lost? I’m not bitter. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the Reliant in time to blow them to bits.

Round Four

HOST: Okay, team. Three people left. No money banked. And Voyager rules. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!

HOST: Kirk, who was the first Romulan the Enterprise did battle with?

KIRK: Spock’s father.

HOST: I’ll accept that.

HOST: Picard, who was the first Vulcan you had a mind meld with?

KIRK: The Romulan Commander.

HOST: I’ll accept that.

HOST: Janeway, did you sleep with that hologram from the Fair Haven holoprogram?

JANEWAY: I’ll have to take a pass on that one.

HOST: Moving on! —Wait, time’s up. And once again you banked nothing. But don’t worry, I managed to find $1.47 in my couch cushions this morning. So that’s what you’ll be playing for. But first, time to vote off one more person. Who’s brain was lost in the transporter beam? (canned laughter)

HOST: Vote off... The Weakest Link!

(VOICE-OVER): Captain Kirk was the strongest link in that round. Captain Picard blatantly copied Kirk’s answer! Janeway was the weakest link, but she gets extra credit points for forgetting the whole “Fair Haven” debacle.

HOST: Okay team. Let’s see the results!

KIRK: Janeway.

PICARD: Janeway.

JANEWAY: Picard.

HOST: Kirk, why did you vote for Janeway all of a sudden?

KIRK: Because I liked her better when she had her hair in a bun.

HOST: Janeway, why did you vote for Picard?

JANEWAY: Keeping with the hair theme, I voted for Picard because he’s the baldest person up here. Aside from Kirk, of course.

HOST: Janeway, with two votes. You are the Weakest Link... Goodbye!!

(Backstage): JANEWAY: So what? Who cares? Voyager still rules!

Final Round

HOST: Okay team. This is it. I’ll ask you both two questions. Whoever gets the most right wins $1.47. Let’s play... The Weakest Link!!

HOST: Kirk, if today is Thursday, what is tomorrow?

KIRK: Yesterday!

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Picard, how many lights are found on the average traffic signal?

PICARD: There are four lights!

HOST: Wrong!

HOST: Kirk, the Enterprise stole the Romulan cloaking device during which famous incident?

KIRK: The Enterprise Incident!

HOST: Correct!

HOST: Picard, Seven of Nine once thought Voyager was part of what conspiracy?

PICARD: Watergate?

HOST: Wrong! The correct answer, of course, was the Voyager conspiracy!

HOST: Congratulations, Captain Kirk. You are the strongest link. Captain Picard, you leave with nothing!

(Backstage): PICARD: I go home with nothing?? I was promised 15 million dollars for my appearance!

(Backstage): KIRK: $1.47??!! Sweet! Now I can buy a couple dozen shares of stock!

HOST: Goodbye!!