PICARD: And so, Starfleet believes that this new computer system will increase efficiency and crew morale.
RIKER: But sir, I did some research, and this “Windows 95” operating system was widely rejected on Earth in the early twenty-first century. How can Starfleet believe that this ancient system will help us?
PICARD: Personally, I have no idea.
LaFORGE: So, how are we going to install this software?
PICARD: Actually, it’s been installed already, and I will activate it right now. (pushes buttons on wall panel)
TROI: Will there be a period of time to get familiar with this thing?
PICARD: Yes, two weeks. Apparently, that’s how long it will take to actually run correctly. Dismissed.
Two Weeks Later...
PICARD: Helm, heading 722 mark 170. Warp 7.
HELM: (haltingly, pushing control board) Aye... sir.
PICARD: Engage. (nothing happens) Engage! (nothing) I gave you an order, ensign!
HELM: Sir, you have to wait for it to load up... just a minute... Okay... Desktop... “Warp” icon. Setting 7. “Invalid setting?” Oh, sorry...! I accidentally put 70! Ha, ha?
(Annoyed looks from everyone.)
HELM: Okay! Click “Do you want to go to warp speed?” Yes! Loading, please wait. 100%. There you go!
RIKER: That took a full minute, ensign. If we’re in an emergency and it takes you a minute to respond....
HELM: With all due respect sir, it was this damn computer that took so long!
PICARD: Picard to Engineering, can you speed up this computer system?
LaFORGE: (over communicator) Sir, to tell you the truth, we have no idea what kind of files even run the Windows system! We’ll try to defrag the system....
HELM: Sir, we’ve dropped out of warp.
HELM: The warp engines program “has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.”
RIKER: What the hell does that mean?!
PICARD: I will make a full report to Starfleet on these problems. I’ll be in my ready room. (Picard walks towards the door... and walks into it.) Why won’t the door open?
OPERATIONS: Sir, the system froze. Control, Alt, Delete! Restart!
(The lights go off, life support shuts down, all is silent.)
RIKER: This is great, just great. I hate Windows.
OPERATIONS: Wait, it’s coming back on. Performing a RAM test. Testing for drives. Ooooh, the Windows logo is on!
ALL: (sarcastically) Oh, goodie.
OPERATIONS: And we’re back on! (lights go on, etc.)
HELM: Sir, I’ve gotten warp engines back online! So far, so good!
PICARD: Very good, ensign.
HELM: Damn! It performed another illegal operation!
RIKER: Can I shoot the computer?
OPERATIONS: Sir, there’s a ship approaching... the USS Microsoft. Registry NT-2000, Admiral Bill Gates commanding.
WORF: We are being hailed.
PICARD: On screen.
(Bill Gates comes on, wearing duct tape glasses, bow tie, etc.)
GATES: (dork voice) Umm... excuse me, Captain Picard... we are conducting a survey. I developed Windows 95. How much do you like or dislike the Windows 95 operating system?
PICARD: Well... we hate... (screen blanks out) What happened? Another illegal operation?!
WORF: No... because Engineering is trying to defrag the system, all windows must be closed.
RIKER: (falling in chair) Do we really need this?
PICARD: Starfleet Command thinks so.
RIKER: They aren’t using this.
OPERATIONS: Sir, a Romulan warbird has decloaked and it is firing on the Microsoft. (cheers) It has been destroyed! (more cheers) Bill Gates is dead! (joyful weeping)
OPERATIONS: They’re firing on us! (ship shakes)
PICARD: Worf, fire! Helm, evasive maneuvers!
WORF: Yes, sir. What is this? “File not found?” We installed the phaser software. It’s there! Don’t give me that “File not found” crap! Shields cannot raise due to “insufficient free memory?”
HELM: “Program has performed an illegal operation... ignore or close.” Ignore... ignore, ignore! Ignore! Ignore! It won’t ignore! All right! Close the damn thing! See if I care! (Ship stops)
PICARD: Fire photon torpedoes!
WORF: It froze... sir, it found an error and is recommending that we run “Scandisk.” Sir?
PICARD: Computer, what is “Scandisk?”
COMPUTER: File not found. Windows is searching for this file. To look for it yourself, click “Browse.”
PICARD: Captain, I’m sensing a great deal of frustration and hatred toward this system.
DATA: (coming from turbolift) Sir, I will attempt to hook up to the ship’s computer. Processing.... File not found... Processing.... File not found... Processing.... File not found... Processing.... File not found...
RIKER: Make it stop!
(Romulan ship is still firing.)
PICARD: Transporter room, quickly! Beam over a copy of Windows!
O’BRIEN: Aye, sir. (he beams copy aboard)
WORF: Captain, they have stopped firing.
(Romulan ship explodes.)
RIKER: It would appear they committed suicide.
OPERATIONS: Sir, we’ve just received a transmission from Starfleet. It contains an upgrade program called “Windows 98.”
PICARD: Install it, please!
OPERATIONS: Installed, sir. Turning on the computer. Whoa, what’s a “fatal system error?”
RIKER: How should I know?
TROI: I believe crew members are beginning to shoot themselves, captain.
(All lights go off, everything hooked up to computer dies.)
DATA: It would appear the system crashed.
PICARD: How did people survive the twentieth century with this piece of crap?