Star Trek Meets Windows 95

Written by Unknown

This parody is rated: AH: Absolutely Hysterical!!! Readers are advised to visit the restroom before reading this parody.

Enterprise Bridge

PICARD: And so, Starfleet believes that this new computer system will increase efficiency and crew morale.

RIKER: But sir, I did some research, and this “Windows 95” operating system was widely rejected on Earth in the early twenty-first century. How can Starfleet believe that this ancient system will help us?

PICARD: Personally, I have no idea.

LaFORGE: So, how are we going to install this software?

PICARD: Actually, it’s been installed already, and I will activate it right now. (pushes buttons on wall panel)

TROI: Will there be a period of time to get familiar with this thing?

PICARD: Yes, two weeks. Apparently, that’s how long it will take to actually run correctly. Dismissed.

Two Weeks Later...

PICARD: Helm, heading 722 mark 170. Warp 7.

HELM: (haltingly, pushing control board) Aye... sir.

PICARD: Engage. (nothing happens) Engage! (nothing) I gave you an order, ensign!

HELM: Sir, you have to wait for it to load up... just a minute... Okay... Desktop... “Warp” icon. Setting 7. “Invalid setting?” Oh, sorry...! I accidentally put 70! Ha, ha?

(Annoyed looks from everyone.)

HELM: Okay! Click “Do you want to go to warp speed?” Yes! Loading, please wait. 100%. There you go!

RIKER: That took a full minute, ensign. If we’re in an emergency and it takes you a minute to respond....

HELM: With all due respect sir, it was this damn computer that took so long!

PICARD: Picard to Engineering, can you speed up this computer system?

LaFORGE: (over communicator) Sir, to tell you the truth, we have no idea what kind of files even run the Windows system! We’ll try to defrag the system....

HELM: Sir, we’ve dropped out of warp.


HELM: The warp engines program “has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.”

RIKER: What the hell does that mean?!

PICARD: I will make a full report to Starfleet on these problems. I’ll be in my ready room. (Picard walks towards the door... and walks into it.) Why won’t the door open?

OPERATIONS: Sir, the system froze. Control, Alt, Delete! Restart!


(The lights go off, life support shuts down, all is silent.)


RIKER: This is great, just great. I hate Windows.

OPERATIONS: Wait, it’s coming back on. Performing a RAM test. Testing for drives. Ooooh, the Windows logo is on!

ALL: (sarcastically) Oh, goodie.

OPERATIONS: And we’re back on! (lights go on, etc.)

HELM: Sir, I’ve gotten warp engines back online! So far, so good!

PICARD: Very good, ensign.

HELM: Damn! It performed another illegal operation!

RIKER: Can I shoot the computer?

OPERATIONS: Sir, there’s a ship approaching... the USS Microsoft. Registry NT-2000, Admiral Bill Gates commanding.

WORF: We are being hailed.

PICARD: On screen.

(Bill Gates comes on, wearing duct tape glasses, bow tie, etc.)

GATES: (dork voice) Umm... excuse me, Captain Picard... we are conducting a survey. I developed Windows 95. How much do you like or dislike the Windows 95 operating system?

PICARD: Well... we hate... (screen blanks out) What happened? Another illegal operation?!

WORF: No... because Engineering is trying to defrag the system, all windows must be closed.

RIKER: (falling in chair) Do we really need this?

PICARD: Starfleet Command thinks so.

RIKER: They aren’t using this.

OPERATIONS: Sir, a Romulan warbird has decloaked and it is firing on the Microsoft. (cheers) It has been destroyed! (more cheers) Bill Gates is dead! (joyful weeping)

OPERATIONS: They’re firing on us! (ship shakes)

PICARD: Worf, fire! Helm, evasive maneuvers!

WORF: Yes, sir. What is this? “File not found?” We installed the phaser software. It’s there! Don’t give me that “File not found” crap! Shields cannot raise due to “insufficient free memory?”

HELM: “Program has performed an illegal operation... ignore or close.” Ignore... ignore, ignore! Ignore! Ignore! It won’t ignore! All right! Close the damn thing! See if I care! (Ship stops)

PICARD: Fire photon torpedoes!

WORF: It froze... sir, it found an error and is recommending that we run “Scandisk.” Sir?

PICARD: Computer, what is “Scandisk?”

COMPUTER: File not found. Windows is searching for this file. To look for it yourself, click “Browse.”

PICARD: Captain, I’m sensing a great deal of frustration and hatred toward this system.

DATA: (coming from turbolift) Sir, I will attempt to hook up to the ship’s computer. Processing.... File not found... Processing.... File not found... Processing.... File not found... Processing.... File not found...

RIKER: Make it stop!

(Romulan ship is still firing.)

PICARD: Transporter room, quickly! Beam over a copy of Windows!

O’BRIEN: Aye, sir. (he beams copy aboard)

WORF: Captain, they have stopped firing.

(Romulan ship explodes.)

RIKER: It would appear they committed suicide.

OPERATIONS: Sir, we’ve just received a transmission from Starfleet. It contains an upgrade program called “Windows 98.”

PICARD: Install it, please!

OPERATIONS: Installed, sir. Turning on the computer. Whoa, what’s a “fatal system error?”

RIKER: How should I know?

TROI: I believe crew members are beginning to shoot themselves, captain.

(All lights go off, everything hooked up to computer dies.)

DATA: It would appear the system crashed.

PICARD: How did people survive the twentieth century with this piece of crap?