Star Trek: Generations II, Chapter 10: “Berman’s Bad Day”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Rick Berman and Hahn Jobbe have interrogated Robert Beltran, but the interrogation led to no new clues. So, Berman punched him in the face, and headed back toward the Temporal Vortex chamber.
Berman: Mrs. Taylor, is the Temporal Vortex ready?
Taylor: Yes, sir. Initiating Temporal Vortex. (The Temporal Vortex, which looks suspiciously like the Guardian of Forever, lights up, creating a swirly light show which immediately puts Brannon Braga in a trance)
Braga: Oooooooh... PURTY!
Temporal Vortex: I am the Temporal Vortex! I control the fate of nations and the flow of time! You have awakened me from my slumber! For that, someone will surely die!
Berman: It was I, Rick Berman, that awoke you, Temporal Vortex. I must travel back in time, to prevent Gene Roddenberry from ever creating Star Trek.
Temporal Vortex: An understandable goal. If this Gene Roddenberry never creates Star Trek, then that means you will have no reason to wake me in the alternate timeline!
Berman: Exactly. Which is why you should help me.
Temporal Vortex: I will comply. However, the entry fee into the Temporal Vortex is one human soul!
Berman: Um, okay. (Pushes Jeri Taylor into the Temporal Vortex)
Temporal Vortex: The entry fee is complete! You now have permission to enter the Temporal Vortex and proceed to the past! Heheheheheheehehe!
Berman: What the hell’s so funny?
Temporal Vortex: Um, nothing. Nothing at all is funny. Proceed.
Berman: All right. Mr. Braga, Mr. Piller, Mr. Hunt, and Mr. Jobbe, you’re with me. Mini-Berman, you have the bridge.
Mini-Berman: Kick ass!
(The fivesome enter Temporal Vortex. The effect from their perpective is not unlike the Stargate. Space and time zips by them at an enormous rate. After passing through a giant white light, the five land in the middle of a dense jungle.)
Braga: Uh, where are we?
Berman: Los Angeles, 1966. Should be.
Braga: Where are all the skyscrapers? Where are the cars? Where are the bars? (Braga starts sobbing and Michael Piller starts patting him on the back.)
Jobbe: Un thinks veh’veh behn hahd. Ihf dis iz Lahs Ahngeluhs, thehn Hahn Jobbe is ze puneh gurleh mahn!
Hunt: I agree. Something’s not right here.
(Suddenly, a giant thudding can be heard. Everybody starts looking around. Birds scatter off in every direction, and the dense trees start shaking. All of a sudden, a gigantic T-Rex emerges and snarls at the fivesome.)
Hunt: Nobody move. His vision’s based on movement.
Berman: How the hell do you know that?
Hunt: I saw it on Jurassic Park. Plus, I saw a special on the Discovery Channel last night.
(As if contridicting Michael Hunt, the T-Rex bends over and eats Mr. Hunt. Brannon Braga screams like a girl and starts running off. Hahn Jobbe, Berman and Michael Piller follow suit. The T-Rex continues making a snack out of Michael Hunt.)
Piller: We must get back to the Temporal Vortex!
Berman: No, really? I thought we’d just set up camp here and get picked off one by one.
(A group of velociraptors emerge from a grove of trees and immediately start chasing Berman and Co. back the way they came)
Meanwhile, back in 1994...
The Voyager cast have returned to Los Angeles after fleeing Berman’s lair.
They are standing on a street corner, pondering what has just happened.
Mulgrew: Well, this is just great. Today I have lost a job and ran out of money for cigarettes.
Wang: Without a steady source of income, I’ll get deported back to Asia. (Wang starts sobbing uncontrollably.)
Picardo: Come on guys! I’m sure an opportunity for a job will present itself. We just have to have faith. Look for a sign.
(Immediately after Picardo says this, a McDonald’s sign lights up in the dusky night air.)
Picardo: There’s our sign. Come on, guys!
(The group consisting of Kate Mulgrew, Tim Russ, Robert Picardo, Jennifer Lien, Garrett Wang, Robert Duncan McNeill, and Roxann Dawson all head to McDonald’s, where they are successful in landing jobs. They all live happily ever after.)
Meanwhile, 65 million years ago...
Berman and Co. have successfully fled the pack of raptors and the T-Rex and have made it back to the Temporal Vortex.
Temporal Vortex: Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! That was funny! Temporal Vortex has not had a laugh like that in 300,000 millennia!
Berman: Very funny. Now, if you don’t mind, I have a world to take over. Will you send us to 1966?
Temporal Vortex: Temporal Vortex will comply. However, the entry fee is still one human soul!
Berman: Another soul?!? You goofed up! The way I see it, you owe us a free trip!
Temporal Vortex: Because of your insolence, the entry fee has increased to two human souls! Further insolence will result in your destruction!
Berman: Oh, all right. (Berman pushes Michael Piller and Hahn Jobbe into Temporal Vortex)
Jobbe: Oh, mahn! It hurhts!
Berman: There. The entry fee has been paid. Now will you send us back?
Temporal Vortex: Affirmative. Prepare to enter Temporal Vortex!
(The group enters Temporal Vortex and heads to 1966. Little do they realize, an extra member was added to the group, in the form of a Spinosaurus...)