Star Trek: Generations II, Chapter 11: “We Love to See You Smile”

Written by Jason Reichstetter

Kate Mulgrew and the rest of the former Voyager crew have all been hired on at McDonald’s, where they hope to earn money. The entire cast is clothed in McDonald’s uniforms as the manager, one Indian named Apu Patelli, briefs them on their new job duties.

Apu: (Very thick Indian accent. Think Apu from The Simpsons.) Let me take this opportunity to welcome you to the McDonald’s family. We hope you will be very happy with your new jobs. If you will follow me, I will give you a tour of your new job.

(The Voyager cast follow Apu as they walk past the grill and grease pit, where the fries are made.)

Apu: Mrs. Mulgrew, Mr. Wang, this will be your new post. Mrs. Mulgrew, you will be in charge of taking the french fries and putting them in the basket and placing them in the hot cooking grease.

Mulgrew: Sounds complicated.

Wang: No, Captain, it shouldn’t be complicated at all. You see, you take these slivers of potato extract and dip them into the bersebrating vats of thermal heated cooking oil apparatus until the slivers of potato extract’s core is heated to a temperature of 95 Kelvin. Then, all you do is take the sodium chloride shaking mechanism and cover the potato extracts with dehydrated sodium chloride.

Apu: (Walks up to Wang and slaps him in the face) Now, you Mr. Wang, you will be in charge of flipping the burgers. All you do is take the raw hamburger patty and flip it over repeatedly until it is done. Then, you microwave it until it turns into a cardboard-like substance.

Wang: Understood. Thank you, sir.

Apu: Mr. Wang, at ease before you sprain something. Mr. Wang, despite McDonald’s protocol, I don’t like being addressed as “sir.”

Wang: I’m sorry, uh, manager?

Apu: Manager is acceptable in a crunch, but I prefer Your Royal Highness. Now, we’re getting ready to get in a rush, so start flipping burgers and dipping the french fries.

(Wang and Mulgrew start flipping and dipping.)

Apu: (Walks up to the rest of the group) Okay. Now these will be your duties...

Meanwhile, back in 1966...

Rick Berman and Brannon Braga emerge from Temporal Vortex into the middle of Los Angeles. The city is abuzz with activity, people donning afros and dressed in plaid pants and polyester shirts. The majority of people are driving Volkwagon Beetles.

Braga: (Slugs Berman in the arm) Punchbug blue!

Berman: (Looks at Braga, and his eyes start glowing red.)

Braga: Oooh! Oooh! Punchbug yellow with pink polkadots! Hahahahaahahahaha! This is fun! Narf!

Berman: Mr. Braga, don’t make me kill you.

Braga: Why do people look so dumb here, Rick?

Berman: (Eyes light up in a rage. He extends his hand and a ball of fire comes out and blows up a nearby punchbug) Don’t ever... ever call me Rick again! You got that?

Braga: Um, okay Rick... I mean Berman... I mean... Narf!

Berman: Settle down, Brannon. We’re in a very primitive and paranoid culture. No doubt their customs will take us by surprise.

(Braga sees a couple walk by smoking pot)

Braga: Ooooohhh! (Claps his hands together) I think I’m going to like it here, Brain! I mean Mr. Brain... I mean Mr. Berman... Narf!

Berman: (Mumbles to himself) Something happened on the trip here. Brannon’s dumb, but he’s nowhere near this idiotic...

Temporal Vortex: (The voice can be heard, but the Vortex can’t be seen) Hahahahahahaahaha! Funny! Temporal Vortex laugh at Brannon Braga!

Berman: You did this, didn’t you? Damned Vortex. You damned dirty Vortex!

Temporal Vortex: Temporal Vortex likes Pinky and The Brain! Temporal Vortex made Brannon Braga into Pinky! Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

Berman: Son of a...

Temporal Vortex: Behold! The Temporal Vortex opens!

(The blue swirly light show opens up and a giant dinosaur with a fin on its back comes out, roaring at the top of its lungs.)

Berman: Holy shit! Run, Braga!

(The duo flee from the spinosaur as the dinosaur chases them down the city streets.)

Braga: (Singing) Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination, and when he’s tall he’s what we call a dinosaur sensation... Narf!

Berman: Mr. Braga, remind me to kill you later...

Meanwhile, back in 1995...

Gene Roddenberry has searched through Berman’s office and has discovered his insidious plan. Then, he decides there’s only one thing left to do.

Roddenberry: Screw this. I’m going back to the Nexus. This Berman fellow is insane...