Star Trek: Generations II, Chapter 12: “The Menace That is Also a Phantom”

Written by Jason Reichstetter

Rick Berman and Brannon Braga have evaded the spinosaur and have reached the Paramount lot. When they arrive, they are stopped by security. A guard named Harold Sach stops them at the gate.

Sach: I’m sorry sir, you can’t enter here.

Berman: I, uh, work here.

Sach: (Looks at a clipboard) What’s the name?

Berman: Rick Berman, creator of the megahit TV series Star Trek: Voyager, seen only on UPN.

Sach: Ok. I’m not seeing a Rick Berman. What show did you say you worked for?

Berman: I’m the creator of Star Trek: Voyager.

Sach: Star Trek: Voyager?

Berman: Yes, a high-concept sci-fi series that uses a 24th century space setting to deal with contemporary issues like chicks with big breasts wrestling WWF superstars.

Braga: Oooh! Oooh! I like wrestling, Brain! Are we going to see Hulk Hogan? Hulkamania! Narf!

Berman: Settle down, Brannon. So, are you going to let me in or not?

Sach: I’m sorry, I don’t see a Star Trek: Voyager, but there is a Star Trek office here.

Berman: (Mumbles to himself) That’s right, Roddenberry’s in charge of that.

Sach: What did you say?

Berman: I said my name was Gene Roddenberry.

Sach: Okay. You can go in. Have a nice day, Mr. Roddenberry.

Braga: Oh, Brain, do you think we’re going to see Macho Man here? That would be swell! Narf!

Meanwhile, back in 1994...

Robert Beltran has been imprisoned and is being held in a cell guarded by one inept guard named Michael Rotch, who’s busy watching TV.

Beltran: I’ve got to get out of here and stop that Berman madman. But first, I have to get past that one inept guard...

Rotch: Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh! Funny!

Beltran: What are you doing?

Rotch: I’m watching Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, and King Friday is talking to the trolley and the trolley started ringing and dinging back to King Friday and Prince Monday! Huhuhuh!

Beltran: Oh, boy.

Rotch: Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!

Beltran: I’ve definitely got to get out of here. Wait. I have a plan. (Makes a high pitched noice) Ring! Ring! Ring!

Rotch: Neighborhood trolley?!? (Mike Rotch starts clapping his hands together and jumping up and down.) Yay! (Rotch runs away from the open cell, leaving it unattended.)

Beltran: That was easy enough. (Beltran walks out of the cell and heads toward a giant swirly noise that can be heard. When he gets to the source, he sees Temporal Vortex.) What the hell is this?

Temporal Vortex: I’m Temporal Vortex. Who the hell are you?

Beltran: I’m Robert Beltran. What exactly do you do?

Temporal Vortex: I’m Temporal Vortex.

Beltran: Okay. That’s been established already. But, what do you do?

Temporal Vortex: I am Temporal Vortex. I control the flow of time and the fate of nations. Do you seek the one called Berman?

Beltran: Yes. How did you know?

Temporal Vortex: I have been monitoring them for some time. Temporal Vortex is having a great deal of amusement with the one called Berman and the one called Braga.

Beltran: Where are they?

Temporal Vortex: Berman and Braga are in the year 1966, where they intend to replace a television series called Star Trek with a different series called Star Trek: Voyager.

Beltran: Those evil... bastards. They must be stopped.

Temporal Vortex: Temporal Vortex grows weary of the ones called Berman and Braga. Temporal Vortex will comply. But the entry fee is one human soul.

(Michael Rotch enters the Temporal Vortex chamber, saddened.)

Rotch: There was no neighborhood trolley. It must have gone back to the Neighborhood of Makebelieve. Wait! What are you doing in here?

(Robert Beltran pushes Mike Rotch into Temporal Vortex.)

Rotch: Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggh!

Temporal Vortex: Good. The entry fee is complete. You may proceed.

(Beltran jumps into the Temporal Vortex, headed back to 1966.)

Meanwhile, back in 1996...

Berman and Braga have been successful in penetrating...

Braga: Hehehe... “penetrate"... Narf!

...Paramount’s production studios. After quickly incompacitating the post-production team with a showing of the Voyager episode “Endgame.” The crew, who have passed out, have been dragged into closets.

Braga: What are we doing here, Brain? Narf!

Berman: The pilot episode for Star Trek, or should I say, the second pilot, “Where No Man Has Gone Before” is supposed to air tonight. I’m going to replace it with this.

(Berman holds up a tape)

Braga: (Attempting to read it) Cur... tack... ear. Curtackier. Oh goody, Brain! What’s that about? Is it a Mickey Mouse cartoon? Narf!

Berman: You will see eventually, Brannon. As will the entire American population. First, we will show “Caretaker”, then Star Trek will be ours for the ruling! Bwahahahaha!

Braga: Narf!

Three hours later...

("Caretaker” has just been shown. Countless viewers across the country are trying to figure out what the hell they just saw. Or what to make of it. Two viewers, however, know exactly what to make out of it.)

Shatner: What... the... Hell... was... that?

Nimoy: Very illogical, indeed. Why would they air an episode we’ve never done before? Evidently we pissed Gene Roddenberry off at one point in production.

Shatner: Let’s... go... Spock. I’m... going... to... get answers. Somebody’s... getting... their... ass... kicked!