Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 2: “The Quickening”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
At Paramount Studios, everything is locked down. Enterprise is starting to film, after Berman and Braga signed on Scott Bakula, and everything is going according to Berman’s plan. The director, David Livingston is working on the pilot episode, “Broken Bow.”
Livingston: All right, people, let’s get set. Places. And, ACTION!
(Scott Bakula starts shaking in his command chair, and Jolene Blalock is shaking in hers. Brannon Braga sees Blalock’s jubblies bouncing amidst the shaking and immediately starts salivating.)
Berman: (Looks over at Braga and sees he has a glazed expression on his face) Oh, for crying out loud. What is the matter with you, Brannon?
Berman: Mr. Braga...
Braga: BOOBIES! I WANT BOOBIES!
(Braga gets up out of his chair and starts walking slowly, like a zombie, toward Jolene Blalock, hands outstretched.)
Livingston: Hey! What are you doing?
Braga: Boo-bies! (He gets close to Blalock, who just stares up at him in horror. Braga, hands grasping air, start lowering toward her chest. Suddenly, the console next to him explodes.) ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!
(Braga starts running around, his el cheapo fake leather jacket melting from the heat of the fire. Braga drops and immediately loses consciousness.)
Livingston: Oh, for crying out loud! CUT! PEOPLE CUT!
Bakula: (Gets up from his command chair and flips it over.) DAMMIT! SON OF A BITCH! WE HAD THIS SCENE TOO! (He runs over to the pilot’s station, starts clawing at the console, rips it out, and throws it into the viewscreen in a rage. Various crewmembers flee in terror.)
(Rick Berman gets up from his chair and walks over to where Braga lay. He feels for a pulse. There is none. A tear starts welling up in Berman’s eye.)
Braga: He... he was my f-f-friend! He was supposed to help me ruin Star Trek!
(Jolene Blalock rises from her seat.)
Blalock: He was trying to feel my tit!
(Scott Bakula walks up to Berman.)
Bakula: YOU SAID THIS SHOW WOULD GO OVER WITHOUT A HITCH! I WANT OUT, BERMAN! I’VE TALKED TO TOO MANY OF YOUR FORMER EMPLOYEES, AND THEY AGREE YOU ARE A TOTAL JACKASS!
Berman: Mr. Bakula, please, step away. Everything will be fine...
Blalock: (Peers at Braga in the eye) Your friend... tried touching my tittie... (Jolene Blalock rears her foot back and kicks Berman in the nuts. Berman falls to the floor)
Bakula: (Feels for a pulse) He’s dead, Jolene. (There’s a dramatic pause) Hey, who wants some Toaster Strudels?
Everybody: ME! ME!
Bakula: All righty! Let’s go to the catering table! (The entire cast runs off, leaving David Livingston weeping)
Livingston: Nobody wants to play with me...
(All of a sudden, Berman and Braga gasp for air. The two get up, Berman feeling his nuts, Braga feeling his fake leather jacket)
Braga: We’re alive?!?
Berman: Yes. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The realization is coming to me now!
Berman: Can’t you see? We’re immortals! Have you never watched Highlander? If an immortal meets a violent end, they come back as an immortal!
Berman: Can’t you see? We can live forever! Which gives us more and more time to ruin Star Trek!
Braga: Oh, I get it! So nothing can kill us?
Berman: We do have one weakness. If someone were to get hold of our piles of cash we make from Star Trek, we will again become mortal and we can die.
Braga: That sucks.
Berman: That is why we must not fail. Come, Brannon. Let us retire to my office, where we will plot Star Trek’s destruction.
Livingston: But, what about the pilot?
Berman: Finish it. Then, finish everything else we have completed. Enterprise will launch on time, Livingston. Don’t fail me.
Livingston: Consider it done.
In Scotland, two individuals are talking. These two are Duncan and Connor Macleod of Clan Macleod.
Duncan: So, Connor Macleod of Clan Macleod, how big of a threat does this pose to us?
Connor: Very, Duncan. These two are the most powerful immortals to ever walk the globe, according to the Watchers. They make Jacob Kell look like Barney the Dinosaur.
Duncan: So, my brother, let us proceed to Los Angeles.
Connor: Yes. Time is of the essence. Oh, and Duncan?
Connor: There can be only one.
In a basement in the rural Midwest, two teenagers are busy working on an experiment. The two teenagers, Dustin and Phil, are two Trekkers with a lot of brains and a helluva lot of time on their hands.
Phil: Have you compensated for the graviton particle fluxes?
Dustin: Yes. Tolerance is within desired parameters.
Phil: Fire it up!
(The two fire up the machine and lightning starts flying everywhere)
Dustin: It’s working!
In downtown Los Angeles, something strange is brewing. Lightning is flying across the sky, even though it is a clear day. People are busy looking up at the sky. Something starts emerging from the lightning. A giant shadow falls over them and the object crash lands into the Paramount Studios lot. The lightning stops.
Phil: Mission complete!
Dustin: Uh, Phil, there’s a problem. It landed in Los Angeles.
Phil: Crap. I’ll ask my mom and see if she’ll drive us out there.
Dustin: Dude, you’re twenty seven years old, and you still don’t have your license?
Phil: Shut up.
A hatch opens up on the alien object that has landed in the Paramount studios. A lone figure emerges from the object. He gets out and stands on the outside hull and looks around. The man, an Irish man with orange curly hair, looks around.
O’Brien: Bloody Cardassians. I just got the damned thing fixed.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Berman develops a new, high-concept series called Deep Space Seven of Nine, the crew of DS9 land in Los Angeles, and Dustin and Phil beg their mom to drive them to California!