Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 3: “Berman and Braga Strike Back”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
In the Paramount Studios, a devious plot is afoot. Rick Berman and Brannon Braga have fled to their offices, outlining their plans to wreak havoc on the Star Trek franchise.
Berman: Mr. Braga, I have placed a few telephone calls, and I have come up with a dastardly plan for Star Trek. Our new associate is on his way in.
Braga: Our new associate?
Berman: Yes. Since Mr. Behr has been uncooperative in turning Deep Space Nine into a crap show, I have hired a special individual to create a spinoff of Deep Space Nine, using his special talents at creating crap. The new show will be called Deep Space Seven of Nine.
Braga: Wow. Sounds pretty high-concept. What will it be about?
Berman: Your girlfriend, Jeri Ryan, will portray the captain of Starfleet’s newest outpost. They will face dangers in the form of bioneural circuitry getting sick, nebulae attacking the station, and space creatures humping the station.
Braga: That is definitely high-concept.
Berman: (Smiles) And every episode will end with either the problem getting fixed by nanoprobes, or by use of the reset button.
Braga: Sounds great!
Berman: But, there is one catch. And the fans will adore this. The station is stationed right beside Deep Space Nine, so the entire series will be about decanonizing that show. We will completely destroy all continuity that show had.
Braga: Continu... what?
Berman: Continuity. This station will have best crew ever assembled. Assisting Captain Seven of Nine will be Commander Wesley Crusher, Ensign Harry Kim, Neelix will even be in this as chief of security, Naomi Wildman, Ensign Vorik, and basically any other annoying character we can think of.
David Livingston is still sitting in his director’s chair crying when Scott Bakula and the rest of the Enterprise crew return from eating their Toaster Strudels. But, Bakula notices something right off the bat.
Bakula: Where are Berman and Braga?
Livingston: They left!
Bakula: I thought they were dead!
Livingston: They’re immortal. They came back to life. They’re in their offices.
Bakula: Those... bastards! Those damned dirty bastards... Come! We must stop them from forever destroying Star Trek!
In Rick Berman’s office, the intercom chimes. It’s Victoria, Berman’s secretary.
Victoria: Mr. Berman, he’s here.
Berman: Send him in.
(The door swooshes open and in comes a figure, cloaked in darkness)
Berman: Ah, please join us. Take a seat.
(The figure sits down and takes off his hood)
Braga: (Eyes go wide) I know you! You... You’re...
Goldsman: Akiva Goldsman, at your service.
Berman: Mr. Braga, meet the mastermind behind Star Trek: Deep Space Seven of Nine. Let’s take a look at your résumé, shall we, Mr. Goldsman? Batman and Robin, Lost in Space... OOOHH! Producer of Deep Blue Sea. Most impressive, Mr. Goldsman.
Braga: Please, Mr. Berman! What have the fans of Star Trek done to deserve this kind of cruel torture?!? Even I’m not that evil!
Berman: Then, it’s a good thing I am that evil, Mr. Braga. So, Mr. Goldsman, have you reviewed the series bible?
Goldsman: I have. And, I have already developed numerous plot lines that will completely cancel out all of Deep Space Nine’s established canon.
Berman: Excellent. Begin at once. I have already contacted Jeri Ryan, Garrett Wang, Ethan Phillips, and Wil Wheaton. They were all working on direct-to-video movies, so they were more than happy to assist us.
Goldsman: Very good. I will begin churning out scripts immediately.
Braga: You’re insane!
In the Paramount lot, the space station Deep Space Nine, after having been brought here by the two Trekkies, is trying to figure out how the hell they got here. Everybody is in Ops.
Sisko: People, I need an explanation of how we got here.
O’Brien: I haven’t a bloody idea, sir. I would guess the bloody Cardies brought us here so they could take over Bajor again.
Odo: I don’t know about that, Captain. I’ll interrogate Quark. I know he has something to do with this.
Sisko: Well, what do you think, Major?
Kira: To tell you the truth, Captain, I’m pretty pissed off right now. The Provisional Government and I don’t agree on a lot of things, but I know if Starfleet was not here, none of this would have ever happened.
Sisko: All righty. Dr. Bashir, I’ll need you and Mr. Worf to head outside and try to find out what’s going on.
Bashir: All right sir! Maybe I can pick up some chicks and get laid too...
Worf: Klingons find picking up chicks and getting laid to be very honorable, sir.
Odo: Captain, I have to object. With these two, nothing will get done. Somebody needs to go down to make sure the picking up of chicks is reduced to a minimum.
Sisko: Agreed. You go with them, Constable.
Odo: I’m head of station security, plus I stick out in a crowd.
Sisko: Keep them in line, Constable.
Bashir: Come on, Odo. You’ll feel better after we all get some.
Odo: Oh, all right.
Sisko: Mr. Eddington, you go with them.
Eddington: Okie dokie.
Sisko: Just don’t forget to change into early twenty first century clothing. Dismissed.
Driving through the rural Midwest, Dustin, Phil and Phil’s Mom, Bertha, are driving through Kansas in Bertha’s 1987 Ford Taurus.
Phil: Are we there yet?
Dustin: Seriously, Phil. You’re twenty seven, you still live with your mom, and you don’t have a driver’s license.
Phil: So what, dude? You’re thirty five and still live at home and don’t drive.
Dustin: Oh, yeah. Point taken.
Bertha: Boys, why in hell did you have to attend a Star Trek convention in Los Angeles [the boy’s cover story] anyway? Why couldn’t you have waited until they came to our town?
Phil: Um, er, because Jeri Ryan is going to be there. Yeah, that’s it.
Back in Los Angeles, Odo, Bashir, Worf, and Eddington are walking down the street. Bashir is wearing a Gap pullover and jeans, Eddington is wearing a Godsmack shirt and jeans, Worf is wearing a cowboy hat and a plaid shirt and a bolo tie and jeans and cowboy boots, and Odo is wearing a polyester disco suit.
Bashir: Um, Odo, don’t you think you might want to change your clothes?
Odo: Why? What’s wrong with these? I accessed the computer database, and these clothes were hip back here in the 70s.
Bashir: Um, this is the year 2001.
(Various good looking chicks look at the foursome walking down the street and start snickering)
In Berman’s office, everything is going according to plan.
Berman: Within hours, Deep Space Seven of Nine will begin filming, and Star Trek will be ours!
Braga: That’s still evil, Mr. Berman, having Akiva Goldsman overseeing this project.
Berman: Mr. Braga, evil is my middle name.
(All of a sudden, there is a pounding on the door. It’s Bakula.)
Bakula: Let me in, Berman, so I can kick your ass!
Braga: Um, there’s nobody here!
(Berman smacks Braga in the head)
Berman: Go away!
Bakula: No! I was told I would be signing on to a TV show with character development and non-lame storylines! I have seen none of this so far! So get out here now!
(Suddenly, there’s some whispering on the other side of the door)
Blalock: Oh, Brannon...
Blalock: Why don’t you come out here, Brannon? I have a surprise for you.
Braga: For... for... for... me?
Blalock: (Sexily) Mmm hmmm. But you have to open the door to get it.
(Braga, in a trance starts heading for the door, slowly, his arm outreached)
(Braga opens the door and Bakula punches him in the face)
Berman: Oh, hell. (Pushes a button on his desk) Victoria, get me security, pronto!
In a dark graveyard, several miles away, two gravediggers are taking a break watching reruns of Star Trek: Voyager.
Gravedigger #1: This is a good episode, man!
Gravedigger #2: Hell, yeah, man!
(On the TV, they are watching “Endgame"...)
Kim: Something’s coming through!
Chakotay: Is it Klingon?
Tuvok: No, it’s Federation!
Gravedigger #1: (Hears something) Wait. What’s that sound?
Gravedigger #2: I hear it too. It sounds like something spinning.
(The two get up and start wandering over toward the spinning noise. They stop over top of a grave marked “Roddenberry.")
TO BE CONTINUED...
Author’s Note: I know Gene Roddenberry was cremated, but, paying a little homage to the dynamic duo of Rick Berman and Brannon Braga, I have decided to ignore this little piece of canon!
Scott Bakula faces off against Berman and Braga, Akiva Goldsman has some evil plans for his new series, Duncan and Connor MacLeod land in Los Angeles, Doctor Bashir picks up some hot chicks, and Phil and Dustin stop off in Broken Bow, Oklahoma!