Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 6: “The Call of the Dumbasses”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
In Washington, D.C...
Inside the FBI Headquarters, a meeting is taking place. The senior FBI officials, along with Director Skinner, Special Agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder are in the conference room discussing some strange goings on.
Skinner: Agent Mulder, Agent Scully, we have called you here today because a strange object has been dropped off in the heart of Los Angeles.
Mulder: What kind of object?
Skinner: It’s unknown. It fell from the sky approximately three days ago. The architecture is out of this world.
Mulder: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to tell me this object may be extraterrestrial?
Skinner: I didn’t say extraterrestrial, I said “out of this world.”
Mulder: The X-Files have taken a lot of shit because you don’t believe me. How do I know you’re not pulling my leg again? Remember last week when you sent me all the way to Brazil to investigate some people getting anal probes? And it turned out being a bunch of infants taking suppositories?
(The entire board started laughing until the point that they started crying)
Skinner: (Wipes the tears from his eyes) Hehehe! That was funny. But, seriously, this really did happen. The LAPD has raided the object, and several individuals were detained. (Starts flipping through a manila folder) Let’s see... a Captain Ben Sisko, a Major Kira Nerys, boy oh boy did she get a shoddy nose job, and a guy named Quark, who has something extremely wrong with his ears. They have since been moved to the Shady Acres Looney Farm, because they were babbling about the United Federation of Planets and about being from the 24th century.
Scully: Could be a hoax.
Skinner: Perhaps. But, I want you two to check it out anyway. Your plane leaves in one hour.
Mulder: All right, Scully, let’s go kick some alien ass.
Skinner: Oh, I almost forgot. You’ll have some help on this one. I have arranged for Special Agent John Doggett and Special Agent Krycek to join you.
Mulder: Oh, come on?!? Doggett? I hate that guy.
Skinner: You will extend him your full cooperation, Mulder. Now get out of here.
Mulder: Okay. But I’m warning you, if Doggett looks at me the wrong way, I’m going to kick his ass.
Mulder: And if Krycek looks at me funny, I’ll kick his ass too. He is one fruity-looking individual.
In Rick Berman’s underground lair, a horrendous plot is being carried out. Rick Berman and Akiva Goldsman are busy working on the script to the new Star Trek movie.
Berman: Time to completion?
Goldsman: Approximately 10 minutes, sir.
Berman: Excellent. As soon as the script is churned out, we will begin principal photography for the new Star Trek movie. Now, all we need is a good name for it.
Goldsman: How about Star Trek: Exploitation?
Berman: Good. Very good. I like the way you think. Finish up the script and bring it to my ready room. I’ll be busy plotting.
Goldsman: Yes, sir, Mr. Berman.
(Rick Berman walks out of the typing chamber and starts walking toward his ready room, when a queasy feeling comes over his stomach. Berman starts holding his stomach and leans against the wall. Suddenly, everything goes grey and he zones out. When he comes too, he can tell immediately something is wrong. Berman runs toward the bathroom and washes off his face. He looks in the mirror and notices, to himself, he looks like Scott Bakula)
Berman: What... the... hell?!?
(All of a sudden, cigar smoke makes Berman turn around and he sees an older man playing with something that looks like a screwy Rubick’s cube)
Al: Ah, shit. Ziggy screwed up.
Berman: What has happened to me?
Al: Easy, Sam.
Berman: DON’T TELL ME TO BE EASY! I WANT TO KNOW WHY IT FEELS LIKE THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE IN ONE BODY!
Al: That’s because there are two people in one body. Sam, you were supposed to leap into the body of a Star Trek producer named Rick Berman. Apparently, some kind of screw-up has caused you and Rick Berman to join into one person.
Berman: We’re one person!?!
Al: Yes. Your thoughts are joined together, and, eventually, you will go insane from having two thinking patterns.
Berman: ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH! (Berman takes a bar of soap from the sink and chucks it across the room) I can feel its effects already!
Al: Take it easy, Sam! (Starts pushing more of Ziggy’s buttons)
Berman: Sam is no more!
Al: Okay, Mr. Berman, just chill. We’ll figure something out!
(The form starts taking on some of Sam Beckett’s features, and the form’s eyes start glowing dark red)
Berkett: THERE IS NO MORE SAM BECKETT! THERE IS NO MORE RICK BERMAN! THERE IS ONLY SICK BERKETT!!!! (Sick Berkett crashes his way through the bathroom door and stomps his way into Berman’s central computer complex.)
Al: Ho, boy...
At Dulles airport, Special Agents Mulder, Scully, Doggett and Krycek are busy trying to board a plane. However, the two individuals in front of them are busy holding up the line. The airport security guard, one Craven Morehead is busy trying to negotiate with them.
Morehead: Okay. One last time, go through the metal detector.
(The two go through the detector again, and again the alarm goes off. Craven Morehead takes the portable scanner and scans the two individuals.)
Morehead: Okay. Open up your leather trench coats. (The two do)
Doggett: Who in the hell wears a leather trench coat in the middle of August?
Morehead: Okay, why the hell are you two dumbasses trying to sneak two really old-looking swords onto the plane?
Connor: We’re immortals. We have a mission to go to Los Angeles and stop a madman immortal from taking over Star Trek.
Morehead: Uh, huh.
Duncan: It’s true. I’m Duncan Macleod of Clan Macleod.
Connor: Yeah. There can be only one.
Morehead: RIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHT. (Morehead taps his walkie talkie) We’ll let Customs deal with you. Customs, we’ve got two dumbasses down here you need to interrogate.
Customs: (Over walkie talkie) Be right down.
Connor: I’m telling you the truth. We’re immortals from an alien planet, who have come to Earth to stop immortals.
(Some U.S. Customs agents walk up and quickly detain Connor and Duncan)
Morehead: It might not hurt to give these two a CAT scan.
Customs: We’ll give both of them a complete cavity search.
(The Customs agents drag off Connor and Duncan)
Connor: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONNNNNNNEEEEEE!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Sick Berkett and Akiva Goldsman rev up production on Star Trek: Exploitation, Agents Mulder, Scully, Doggett, and Krycek arrive in Los Angeles, and Captain Sisko has to deal with some of the Shady Acres Looney Bin’s residents!