Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 5: “Berman’s Backup Plan”

Written by Jason Reichstetter

Rick Berman, Akiva Goldsman, Hahn Jobbe and Michael Hunt have all escaped the Paramount lot and have arrived at Berman’s secret underground lair. The lair (which is secret and underground) is filled with all sorts of high-tech gadgetry. There are infrared sensors, radar, and a satellite which picks up 250 channels. Berman and the gang are all sitting around a conference table.

Berman: All right, gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. As you know, our previous plan to take over Star Trek has failed. Therefore, it is my decision to set forth Plan B.

Goldsman: Plan... B?

Berman: Yes, Plan B. Plan B is a backup plan Braga and I had devised while Enterprise was in development and fine-tuned while you were busy creating Deep Space Seven of Nine. But, since Mr. Braga has had a change in loyalties, and we don’t have access to Paramount Studios, thanks in part to Mr. Bakula, Mr. Goldsman, you will assist me in this secret endeavor.

Goldsman: What kind of endeavor?

Berman: I have decided to scrap my ideas for Star Trek X. I have had John Logan liquidated and Stuart Baird will no longer direct any movies whatsoever. Except for cheap porno flicks. Mr. Jobbe. Bring in the blueprints.

Jobbe: Rahght ahwah, Mistah Behmahn. (Jobbe gets up and pushes over a chart attached to a stand. This chart features various diagrams and a list of various cast and crew.

(Berman gets up and starts flipping through the sheets of plans)

Berman: All right. As you can see here, I have already worked out the various plot details. Or, should I say, LACK OF PLOT details (Berman starts giggling). Anywho, this movie will be a crossover between The Next Generation, Voyager and will feature Captain Kirk and Captain Sulu. (Berman flips through some more sheets)

Goldsman: Excuse me, Mr. Berman, but didn’t Captain Kirk die in Star Trek: Generations?

Berman: No need to bog us down by such trivialities, Mr. Goldsman. Now, as you can see by this diagram (Berman points toward a blueprint of an Intrepid-class ship) Captain Kirk is in command of the USS Voyager, with Captain Sulu as his first officer...

Jobbe: Echsuse meh Mistah Behmahn, buht wahsn’t Cahptaihn Kehrk cahptaihn of ze Ehntehrprihze?

Berman: SILENCE! (Motions back to the diagram) Captain Kirk of Voyager runs into a nebula where space-faring creatures latch onto the hull and start humping it. This is where the Enterprise comes in. (He flips over to the next page) The Enterprise, under the command of Captain Janeway, with Captain Picard as second in command, comes to the rescue of Voyager, but the creatures start humping the Enterprise, which makes the ship pregnant, which results in hilarity as the ship gives birth to another ship humping nebular lifeform. Then, the Enterprise fires, blows up Voyager and kills Captain Kirk non-dramatically. This movie will be shot using a camcorder.

Goldsman: (Is awe struck) GENIUS! It’s like a giant middle finger to the fans!

Berman: (Smiles) Exactly. Now, I’ve contacted the cast needed to do this picture. William Shatner was more than happy, because he can’t get work, Kate Mulgrew will start after she finishes a direct-to-video project she’s working on with Jeff Fahey and Bob Saget, and Patrick Stewart is busy working on X-Men 2, so we’ll just recast him with Gary Coleman.

Goldsman: Sounds good.

Berman: Now, Mr. Goldsman, the only thing I’ll need from you is a script which makes Batman and Robin and Lost In Space look like Shakespeare.

Goldsman: Should be no problem there.

Berman: Excellent. The script should be filled with crappy one-liners, old jokes, and toilet jokes. If you need inspiration for jokes, just watch Star Trek V and Star Trek: Insurrection.

Goldsman: Inspiration has struck, Mr. Berman.

Berman: Explain.

Goldsman: Well, I could have one of the Enterprise crewmembers really be Batman, and he goes out fighting evil with the Bat-shuttlecraft and uses various bat-weapons, like the Bat-phaser and Bat-transporter to stop the villains!

Berman: Very very good, Mr. Goldsman! I knew I paid you for a reason! Definitely something better than that damned Braga could come up with! All right people, let’s get this movie made, and get it out!

Meanwhile...

At the Paramount Studios, Scott Bakula has Brannon Braga tied up in the captain’s chair on the Enterprise set. Standing by him are Jolene Blalock, David Livingston and the Enterprise cast.

Blalock: He’s coming to...

(Braga wakes up from the blow Bakula gave him upside the head)

Braga: Where... where... where am I?

Bakula: You know exactly where you are, you rotten bastard! (He raises a hand like he’s going to hit him)

Braga: Please! Please don’t hurt me mister! I’m just a poor college boy looking to make some money!

Blalock: Don’t hit him Scott, I believe him.

Bakula: All right. Mr. Braga, what is the last thing you remember?

Braga: I don’t know. It’s all coming back to me. I remember graduating from film school, I came here looking for an internship. I was interviewed by Rick Berman for a position on Star Trek: The Next Generation. The last thing I remember, I was tied up in some temple, Rick Berman was chanting something, and then everything blacked out. Now, here I am.

Bakula: Wait a minute. You mean to tell me you have no recollection of the past ten years. You don’t remember working on a series called Voyager?

Braga: Voyager, what’s that?

Billingsley: He’s telling the truth, Scott. I have some telepathic abilities. Rick Berman brainwashed him ten years ago, because Berman couldn’t find anybody to help him destroy Star Trek. Mr. Braga here was the primary candidate because he was young and naive. He’s the victim here, Scott. The blow to the head must have undone the damage.

Blalock: He’s one of us, now.

Braga: Please let me go.

Bakula: Okay. Only on one condition. Help us undo the damage Voyager has caused. Don’t let Rick Berman win. Help us make Enterprise good.

Braga: (Thinks for a second) All right. I’ll do it.

(The group cheers)

Meanwhile...

In Oklahoma, Phil, Dustin and Phil’s Mom are busy trying to make it to Los Angeles, after they crashed their Ford Taurus. They are walking along a desert road.

Dustin: Oh, this is just great, Phil.

Phil: Oh, come on. It’s not that bad.

Dustin: Yes it is! We’re going to die out here in this desert.

Phil: It’s not just any desert, Dustin. Look. This is exactly where they filmed the scene from the Voyager episode “Death Wish.” See, this is the strip of road that posed as the Q Continuum. Over there is where the crew saw the scarecrow hanging up.

Dustin: Oh, yeah! Just think. John De Lancie, Kate Mulgrew, Tim Russ and that guy from Child’s Play 2 stood on this exact same spot as us!

(The two get down and start worshipping the sand)

Phil’s Mom: You two really ought to consider getting a life. Probably a job too, because somebody’s paying for my damned car!

Meanwhile...

On board Deep Space Nine, which is sitting in the middle of the Paramount Studios, the crew are trying to figure out what’s going on. Captain Sisko, Admiral Ross, Major Kira and Quark are all standing on the Ops deck.

Ross: Ben, have you figured out what’s happened yet?

Sisko: No. But, it is imperative that we get back to Bajor, before the Dominion invade the Alpha Quadrant.

Kira: The Provisional Government and I don’t agree with a lot of things, which is probably why they sent me to this godforsaken place.

Ross: Oooooookay. Ben, let’s work on a way to get us out of here.

Sisko: Yes, Admiral.

Quark: You know, Captain, there could be some profit to gain out there. I would like to take my Dabo girls outside and try to sell their bodies for sex. We could make a huge profit!

Sisko: Um, no.

Quark: DAMMIT! How about the Major, then?

Sisko: No.

Quark: You suck!

Meanwhile...

Walking down a grassy field, headed toward the Los Angeles skyline, a lone figure is walking slowly toward the city. This figure is in tattered clothes and looks like something from a Resident Evil game or a George Romero movie.

Zombie-Roddenberry: BER-MAN!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Preview:

Berman and Goldsman prepare to film the new Star Trek movie, Scott Bakula and Brannon Braga try to fend off Berman, and Odo notices something disturbing in Los Angeles!