Los Angeles, CA...
At the LAX airport, Agents Mulder, Scully, Doggett and Krycek have finally arrived after a long flight. After they pick up their baggage, they notice a man in a suit wearing sunglasses and holding a sign that says “Moldur.”
Mulder: I guess this is us. (The four walk over to the man, who is puffing on a cigarette) How are you doing, friend?
Cancer Man: I must speak with you alone, Agent Mulder.
Doggett: Hey, Mulder, that’s no problem. I’ll just go over here to the concourse bookstore and look to see if the new Penthouse issue is in.
Krycek: Yeah, man! I hear one of those chicks from Survivor is supposed to be in it!
(Doggett and Krycek run off toward the bookstore, leaving Scully to stand there)
Scully: Well, Mulder, I’ll be over at the bar and grille. I could use a couple of beers. (Scully walks over to the bar)
Cancer Man: Over here, Agent Mulder. (Cancer Man points to an area devoid of people. Mulder and Cancer Man walk over, and Cancer Man takes off his sunglasses) Now, Agent Mulder, the answers you seek lie in the Peek-a-Panty X-rated video store in downtown Los Angeles.
Mulder: The answers?!? You mean proof that my sister was abducted by aliens?
Cancer: No, not that. I overheard you back in Washington talking to Director Skinner that you thought Agent Krycek was fruity. To seek the answer to that question, you must proceed to the Peek-a-Panty X-rated video store.
Mulder: That’s okay. It’s really not that important.
Cancer Man: They’re after you, Agent Mulder.
Cancer Man: The repo company. You haven’t paid your car payment for six months. You’ve been buying cheap booze.
Mulder: (Starts sobbing) Everybody calls me Spooky.
Cancer Man: Now, listen very carefully, Agent Mulder. I have a friend, buried deep within the organization of the person you seek.
Mulder: You mean Rick Berman.
Cancer Man: Yes. Berman is only part of the organization that brought that derelict station here. You must seek out a Doctor Flotsham. He was a former associate of mine, and he will tell you everything you need to know. Quickly, Agent Mulder! Time is of the essence!
Scully: (Yells) Mulder?
(Mulder looks toward Scully, and when he turns back around, Cancer Man is gone)
Mulder: How the hell does he do that?
(Scully walks toward Mulder, as Krycek and Doggett exit the bookstore, holding the new issue of Penthouse, each slobbering all over the centerfold)
At the Shady Acres Looney Farm, the psychiatrist, Dr. Gary Napp, is talking to Captain Ben Sisko, trying to get a sense of how insane he is.
Napp: Okay, sir. And your name is?
Sisko: I am Captain Benjamin Sisko. Of the United Federation of Planets.
Napp: Uh, huh. I see. And what is it you’re doing here, “Captain”?
Sisko: Well, you see, our station, Deep Space Nine, was under attack by some Jem’Hadar forces under the command of a Vorta named Weyoun. They had come through the wormhole, which leads to the Gamma Quadrant, on the other side of the galaxy. They started attacking the station, and all of a sudden, we ended up here.
Napp: Okay, now humor me, Captain. Why would this “Vorta” named “Weyoun” be attacking your “space station”?
Sisko: Because the Federation is at war with the Dominion, a powerful empire run by a group of Changelings that want to destroy all the solids in the universe.
Napp: I see. That’ll be all, Captain. (Napp takes out Sisko’s file folder and stamps “Nutty as a fruit cake” on his profile)
Back at Sick Berkett’s underground lair, Berkett, Mini-Berman and Akiva Goldsman are all sitting around a conference table.
Berkett: Open a channel to the United Nations!
(The viewscreen turns on, revealing a middle aged man named Oliver Clothesov, the head of the U.N.)
Clothesov: Can I help you?
Berkett: Mr. Clothesov, I have a proposition for you. Either you pay me a sum of one million dollars, or I take control of every satellite, and play reruns of Star Trek: Voyager on every TV station around the globe!
Clothesov: Good...... GOD!
Berkett: Yes, Mr. Clothesov, it is quite an evil scheme, which is why I think you’ll agree that paying me the one million dollars is the wise way to go.
Clothesov: I will not pay. You have no way to override our satellites.
Berkett: Touché, Mr. Clothesov. UNVEIL OUR NEW SATELLITE!
(Goldsman untarps the satellite, where Mini-Berman has proceeded humping the satellite)
Berkett: Mini-Berman, quit humping the satellite!
(Mini-Berman keeps up)
Berkett: Mini-Berman, maybe you and the satellite should get a fricking room!
(Everybody at the UN starts cracking up)
Berkett: Oh, Mr. U.N. leader, I will have the last laugh. Either you pay me the one million dollars, or you will suffer the consequences.
Clothesov: I don’t believe that satellite can transmit anything.
Berkett: Oh, really? Watch this.
(Berkett pushes a button on his remote control, and Voyager’s bridge shows up on the viewscreen)
Kim: I’m reading versibrating conflucts of temporal energy Captain!
Tuvok: If these levels increase by 29%, it will compromise the hull!
Chakotay: We must depolarize the hull and set out a tachyon particle field!
Janeway: Do it!
Tuvok: There’s a ship emerging, Captain!
Chakotay: Is it Klingon?
Tuvok: No. It’s Federation.
(Overtop of this dialogue, Oliver Clothesov can be heard screaming)
Clothesov: AHHHHHHHHHH! ENOUGH! PLEASE! MAKE IT STOP!
(Berkett pushes another button, and the United Nations conference room can be seen again)
Berkett: Mr. Clothesov, you have three days to deliver my one million dollars. Or else. Bye bye!
(Berkett closes out the connection)
At the United Nations, Oliver Clothesov is scrambling his team to assess the situation.
Berkett: This guy is a freaking maniac!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Phil and Dustin reach California! Doctor Bashir and Constable Odo finally get laid! Mulder and Scully check out the Peek-A-Panty X-rated video shop! Stay tuned!