Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 9: “Two Bermans, One Destiny”

Written by Jason Reichstetter

Sick Berkett’s secret underground lair was abuzz with activity, what with preproduction on Star Trek: Exploitation going on and Goldsman’s other sick, devious plans. However, in one dark corner, something totally awry was going awry. Akiva Goldsman was busy talking to a mysterious figure in a dark corner, who goes by the name of Jon Peters.

Goldsman: Now, you’re sure you can pull this off... Mister?

Peters: Peters. Jon Peters. I was the producer of Wild Wild West. I also made Batman and Batman Returns, but let’s not go there. I failed at my attempts to ruin the Bat, and that is why I allowed Joel Schumacher to take over the franchise. Now, what is your plan, Mr. Goldsman?

Goldsman: I have a plan. I want to wrestle control of Star Trek away from Sick Berkett, and let us take control of it.

Peters: I like it. I like it a lot.

Goldsman: And I thought you would be the perfect person to help me do it, because of your fine ability to completely screw up any movie you touch.

Peters: I will admit, I was successful somewhat in Batman Returns. It was I who forced the Penguin to drive around a motorized rubber duck and get the penguins with the guided missile systems on their backs. Tim Burton, that cunning bastard, managed to elude my attempts to get Catwoman a giant scratching post as a weapon to use against the Dark Knight. Oh, well. Maybe next time.

Goldsman: Let’s look at your resume, shall we? Let’s see. You had a hand in Wild Wild West, taking a beloved TV show and turning it into a barren wasteland of crappy jokes.

Peters: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHE! Wild Wild West was my finest hour.

Goldsman: You see, with your expertise, and my own experience, we can forever ruin Star Trek! Sick Berkett had potential, but he’s too maniacal. He wants to rule the world. I just want to ruin the franchise.

Peters: We will make a good team, Mr. Goldsman. Count me in on this. I’m always up for a new challenge.

Goldsman: (Smiles) Excellent. After we have successfully rid the world of Star Trek, we will then begin production on... Deep Blue Sea: The Television Series!

(The two start cackling madly. However, unbeknownst to them, Hahn Jobbe, Sick Berkett’s security guard, has been listening the entire time)

Jobbe: Oh, mah GAHD! I muhst tehl Mistah Behmahn.

Meanwhile...

On another end of the compound, a swirly vortex appears out of nowhere.

Temporal Vortex: Behold! Temporal Vortex, ruler of time and destroyer of civilizations, opens! Behold in the majestic beauty and awe that is Temporal Vortex!

(A human form emerges from Temporal Vortex and pats off his suit. It is Rick Berman.)

Berman: Ah, I’m here.

Temporal Vortex: Do not forget our bargain, Mr. Berman. You owe me one human soul for taking passage through Temporal Vortex!

Berman: Yes, yes. I know. One human soul, blah blah blah. I’ll need two human souls, because I intend to go back to where I came from. So zip it.

Meanwhile...

At the Enterprise set, production is going on on the season finale of Enterprise.

Livingston: I can’t believe it! Enterprise is actually high up in the ratings!

Bakula: Yes, and we have our little buddy Brannon Braga to thank for it!

Braga: Oh, it’s nothing guys. Wait until you see the cliffhanger for this season’s finale! It’s going to be well characterized and filled with continuity!

Blalock: Mr. Braga, we like this version of you. Will you stay with us forever?

Braga: You bet. You guys are the greatest. I sure am glad I’m no longer under Rick Berman’s spell.

Billingsley: Yeah. I’ve noticed ever since Berman’s left, we have become like one happy family.

Everybody: Yeah.

(At this, Dominic Keating gets up in front of the group)

Keating: Uh, since we’re all like, one big happy family, I say we get started on a huge orgy!

(Connor Trineer steps up beside Keating)

Trineer: I agree. Come on, let’s have an orgy!

Everybody: Woo-hoo!

(A giant orgy starts on the Enterprise bridge set)

Meanwhile...

Coming across the California border, Phil and Dustin are still hitchhiking with Billy Bob Clampett. 8-ball appears to have left them alone for the time being, but the boys know he will be back sometime.

Clampett: I’ll tell you what, Ms. Latio, that was some good lovin you gave me back there. I sure do appreciate it.

Phil’s Mom: Oh, it was nothing. I’m just glad you enjoyed it.

Clampett: Oh, yes’m I did, I reckon. In fact, I’m about ready for another go round of it.

Phil’s Mom: Again?!? We just got done five minutes ago! And then, before that, we did it ten minutes ago!

Clampett: Yep.

Phil: Ah, fu**. We’re never going to get to Los Angeles now.

Dustin: Yeah. This sucks. Now I’ll never be able to prove to you that the Enterprise-A had seventy two decks.

Phil: The Enterprise-A did not have seventy two decks, it had thirty.

Dustin: Oh, yeah? Then how come in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, when Spock is carrying Dr. McCoy and Captain Kirk up the turbolift shaft, they clearly stop on Deck 72?

Phil: There is no way the Enterprise-A has 72 decks. It only has thirty. William Shatner screwed up on that. It’s not canon.

Dustin: It is too canon, because it appeared on the screen, and thus, as states the Star Trek canon rule, whatever appears on screen, is considered canon!

Phil: Gene Roddenberry claimed that movie non-canon, asshole!

Dustin: It was on the screen, it’s canon! Just like that one line Sarek speaks. “So human.”

Phil: ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

Meanwhile...

In Sick Berkett’s underground lair, Sick Berkett is sitting playing with Mini-Berman with Akiva Goldsman sitting in the room.

Berkett: So, Mr. Goldsman, what do you look so nervous for?

Goldsman: I’m not nervous, I just, uh, drank a lot of caffeine this morning.

Berkett: I see.

(Berkett continues to stare at Goldsman, who starts flinching even more)

Berkett: Right.

(Hahn Jobbe appears in the doorway)

Jobbe: Mistah Behmahn, Ah ovehrheahrd Mistah Goldsmahn tahlking to someone abouht tahking oveh Stah Trehk.

Berkett: (Eyes start lighting up) You bastard!

Goldsman: (Presses a button on his chair) Now!

(At that, a secret door slides open and Jon Peters emerges with a flock of penguins with guided missiles attached to their backs. Berkett screams)

Peters: It’s all over, Berkett! Star Trek is mine now!

Berman: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Mr. Peters.

(Rick Berman appears at the foot of the stairs and walks over to Berkett, Peters and Goldsman)

Berkett: What the hell?

Berman: I’m your future self, Mr. Berkett. I’m here to put a stop to Mr. Peters’ meddling.

Peters: Nobody can stop me! I’m Jon Peters! Creator of Wild Wild West and Caddyshack! Oh, yeah. Almost forgot! My most prized creation! Superman IV: The Quest For Peace!

Berman: Oh, you sick dirty bastard! That’s the last straw!

Goldsman: Penguins! Attack!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Preview:

The penguins attack Berkett’s underground lair! Scott Bakula and Brannon Braga form a coalition to take down Sick Berkett! Agents Mulder and Scully interview the DS9 crew! Stay tuned!