Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 12: “Escape from the Looney Bin”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Captain Benjamin Sisko of the space station Deep Space Nine is sitting in his cell, being lonely. It had been several days since his outpost was catapulted from the Bajor sector and dumped over the Paramount lot for no reason at all. Little does Sisko know, the station was impounded and everybody else arrested for loitering. All of a sudden, the door to Sisko’s cell opens, and two people are thrown in.
Connor: There can be only one!
Duncan: You’ll have to excuse my friend, here, my good man. He’s not right in the head.
Connor: I am Connor McLeod of Clan McLeod!
Sisko: And I am Captain Benjamin Sisko, of the United Federation of Planets.
Duncan: I am Duncan McLeod, also of Clan McLeod. We are here on a sacred mission. To stop the machinations of an evil producer.
Connor: The bastard stole my chick! For that, he must pay dearly.
Sisko: I see. (Examines the cell) Well, I’ve studied this room inside and out. There are no force fields anywhere. I am at a loss about how to break out of here.
Connor: Um, I don’t know what the hell a force field is, but we are being contained by multiple steel bars. (Gestures over to the cell door)
Sisko: Oh, I see. We have got to find some way to get out of here.
(The cell door opens and someone else is thrown in)
Mulder: Everybody calls me Spooky... (Mulder starts weeping)
Sisko: (Walks over and pats Mulder on the back) It’s okay! Everything will be fine!
(Mulder cries louder)
Connor: Quiet! The guards will hear you!
(Mulder cries even louder)
(Duncan hits Mulder in the head)
Sisko: For the Prophets’ sake, man! Straighten up!
Mulder: Okay. (Mulder wipes the tears from his eyes) I’m okay now.
Sisko: Good. Now, why are you here?
Mulder: That’s classified.
Sisko: Classified, schmlassified. Tell me why you’re here.
Mulder: Oh, all right. I’m a government agent working for the FBI. I’m investigating alien activity on the planet Earth. Those bastard aliens took my sister when I was a kid. If I ever catch up with them, I’m going to shove an anal probe up their asses.
Sisko: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m the son of an Earth man who mated with some wormhole aliens.
Mulder: And they say I’m insane.
Connor: Yeah, you’re nuttier than a fruitcake, buddy! (Connor pats Sisko on the back)
Mulder: I have to find a way out of here to get to Agent Scully.
(All of a sudden, some people run up to the barred window of the cell. It’s Phil and Dustin.)
Phil: Guys! We’re here to save you!
Sisko: Who the hell are you?
Dustin: I’m Dustin, and this is my friend Phil! We’re big fans of your show, Captain Sisko!
Phil: I don’t like Captain Sisko! Captain Janeway is my favorite!
Dustin: Oh, Phil! You’re such a dumbass! Don’t you know, Voyager appeals to the lowest common denominator! Deep Space Nine uses intriguing stories, state of the art special effects, and interesting character interaction to tell the story of the Federation’s war against the Dominion!
Sisko: You know of Deep Space Nine?
Dustin: Hell yeah!
Phil: Voyager tells intriguing stories!
Dustin: Name one!
(Mulder rolls his eyes)
Phil: Well, there was that one called “The Swarm”, where Voyager goes into this swarm of space faring creatures and they start humping the ship! Remember? Then Kes suddenly gets pregnant for no reason whatsoever? That was intriguing!
(Dustin raises his eyebrow questioningly)
Phil: And then there was that one where Voyager ran into a Species 8472 colony that just happened to be out in the middle of the Delta Quadrant, that had easy access to the inside, so that Captain Janeway and her crew could discover that they had remade Starfleet Headquarters in an attempt to invade the Alpha Quadrant! Then, it was only through diplomacy that they became friends with Species 8472!
Sisko: You know of Captain Janeway and the USS Voyager?
Dustin: (Ignoring Sisko) That was the lamest Star Trek episode ever made! Why the hell would Species 8472 have an outpost in the Delta Quadrant anyway? THEY LIVE IN FLUIDIC SPACE!
Phil: Shut up. I don’t have to prove why Voyager is better than Deep Space Nine.
Mulder: If we’re finished with this interesting discussion, can we please find a way to get the hell out of here?
Dustin: I’m not finished yet. If Captain Janeway is sooooo smart, how come she didn’t rig timed explosives on the Caretaker’s array? Tuvok clearly stated he could get them back to the Alpha Quadrant, but he’d need a few hours to activate the program!
Sisko: What’s a Caretaker?
Phil: The transgalactic being that brought Voyager to the Delta Quadrant.
Sisko: You mean Captain Janeway had the opportunity to send Voyager back, but she blew it because she didn’t put timed explosives on his array?
Dustin: Correct. Which ends up stranding Voyager 70,000 light years from Earth.
Sisko: What a stupid bitch. Well, I do remember when Voyager was docked at Deep Space Nine before leaving for the Badlands, I read Captain Janeway’s dossier. It stated she was a pyromaniac.
Phil: And, remember “Threshold"...
(At this, Agent Fox Mulder starts vomiting violently)
Duncan: Is he okay?
Mulder: UGH! Please! Never mention “Threshold” again! That was the god-awfulest episode ever! Turning into a lizard at warp ten! Completely ignoring that Admiral Riker in “All Good Things” ordered the Enterprise to go warp 13!
Phil: I guess he does have a point...
Connor: Good! Now get us the hell out of here!
Dustin: We have rigged up a particle inducing transphasic flux pulse generation which should melt the bars surrounding these windows.
Sisko: Good. Let’s do it.
(Dustin and Phil start working on the window)
Sick Berkett, Rick Berman, and Mini-Berman have arrived at Paramount Studios, and have proceeded to Brannon Braga’s office. They go up the stairs at the Star Trek building, and start beating the hell out of Brannon’s door.
Braga: Who is it?
Berman: It’s Rick Berman! Let me in!
(Scott Bakula and John Billingsley are in the room with Braga)
Bakula: Go away!
Berkett: Come on! Let us in! I have a... surprise for you. Yeah, that’s it.
Billingsley: No thanks! We are perfectly content starring in a show that is not influenced by your hand, Mr. Berman.
Bakula: You, sir, are lame.
(Berman’s eyes start glowing red)
Berman: Okay. We’re going to break this damn door down.
(The three rear back and slam into the door as hard as they can. It collapses and they land in Braga’s floor. Braga looks down at them)
Braga: What the hell do you guys want?
Bakula: You made a mistake coming here, Mr. Berman. (Bakula gets up and starts walking over to Berman)
Berman: You fool! Little do you know, I brought a weapon back from the future! (He pulls out a weapon) It’s called, “THE BERMANATOR“!
(Berman shoots Bakula with the Bermanator, and he falls to the ground, stunned. He can’t move, but he can still hear, see and talk)
Braga: What have you done to my friend?
Berman: The same thing I’m going to do to you if you don’t join us!
Braga: I didn’t have control over my destiny ten years ago, Mr. Berman. This time, I do control my destiny. And I will never join you.
Berman: Come join me, young Braga. Together we can control Star Trek.
(Braga’s eyes are started to swirl)
Berman: Together, we can bring Star Trek to its knees. Together, we can make lots of money...
Braga: (Dollar signs start forming in his eyes) Mon....ey.
Berman: It is useless to resist, young Braga. You do not know the power of the Dark Side of Filmmaking! (A grin comes to Berman’s lips) Resistance is futile.
Braga: I... I’ll need time to think about this...
Berman: Brannon... the longer you put off your destiny, the longer you put off getting to bang the female cast members in their scantily clad costumes.
(Braga gets up and walks over to Berman. Braga hugs Berman tightly)
Berman: It’s good to have you back, Mr. Braga.
Braga: It’s good to be back, Mr. Berman! Let’s go make a mockery of Star Trek!
Berman: All in good time, my young apprentice. First, we must rid my lair of Jon Peters and Akiva Goldsman. They’re trying to make a mockery of Star Trek without us.
Braga: Those... gutless bastards...
Berman: Yes. After we clear out my lair, Star Trek will be ours for the raping!
(Berman, Braga, Berkett, and Mini-Berman all run from Braga’s office, where Bakula is lying, stunned, and Billingsley is sitting in his chair sucking on his thumb)
Mulder, Sisko, Connor, Duncan, Phil and Dustin have all escaped the confines of the Shady Acres Looney Bin.
Connor: Ah, the sweet smell of freedom.
Mulder: Yes, we are free once again.
Sisko: But, where shall we go? We’re wanted fugitives.
Duncan: There is only one place we can go now.
Connor: Where’s that?
Duncan: We must go kick Rick Berman’s ass! (Insert “Princes of the Universe” here)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Rick Berman, Sick Berkett, Mini-Berman and Brannon Braga butt heads with Captain Sisko and Agent Mulder! Jon Peters and Akiva Goldsman plot the destruction of Star Trek! A battle of epic proportions starts next episode, leading up to the climactic conclusion! Stay tuned for a multi-episodic event only found on the Trek BBS!