Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 13: “The Battle Begins”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Joe Nesmeth, a computer technician, has had a hard day at work. A computer glitch had caused him to work over fourteen hours overtime, and he was dog tired. All he wanted to do was go to his Manhattan apartment, turn on the boob tube, and watch Malcolm in the Middle. However, little did he know, something evil was awaiting him on the TV...
Nesmeth: Ah, it’s going to be good to watch some TV. (Nesmeth plops himself down on the couch and flicks on the remote control)
Batman: (On TV) One million.
Robin: Two million.
Batman: You don’t have it.
Robin: I’ll borrow it from you. Five million.
Nesmeth: What the hell is this?!?
Batman: The bat-card. Never leave the cave without it.
Mr. Freeze: Cool party, everybody! Chill!
Poison Ivy: There’s something about an anatomically correct rubber suit that makes a girl hot!
Nesmeth: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Nesmeth frantically starts flipping through the channels, but, much to his surprise, every channel has Batman and Robin on.)
Batman: You break it, you buy it.
Nesmeth: Vile stench of Satan! Remove thyself from my television set!
Mr. Freeze: A laundry service that delivers! Wow! I hope Mr. Bane can swim!
Nesmeth: (Gets up from his chair) We need a hero! A Batman to challenge the forces of darkness! BATMAN! Where are you?
All around the globe, people are hollering for their favorite superheroes to save the day.
SPIDERMAN! SUPERMAN! BATMAN! PUNISHER! X-MEN! MYSTERY MEN! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, SAVE US FROM THIS EVIL THAT IS PLAGUING THE EARTH!
At Rick Berman’s headquarters, Captain Sisko, Agent Mulder, Connor and Duncan McLeod, Phil and Dustin are all banging on the door to Berman’s lair, trying to get in.
Mulder: It’s no use. This door is sealed.
Connor: NOOOOOOO! I told them there could be only one. Nobody would believe me.
Phil: If we had our lab equipment, we could rig a polaric verteron axionic pulse to open up these doors.
(All of a sudden, a shadowy figure comes out of the darkness)
(The group jumps. Three other figures emerge from the darkness. These are Rick Berman, Sick Berkett, Mini-Berman, and Brannon Braga)
Berkett: What the hell are you guys doing here?
Mulder: We’re here to kick your ass.
Duncan: What are you doing here?
Berman: We’re trying to kick the ass of the asshole who took over my lair.
Dustin: Oh? And who’s that?
Berkett: Jon Peters and Akiva Goldsman.
(The eyes of everybody go wide)
Phil: Akiva..... G-G-G- GOLDSMAN????!???
Berman: Correct. That asshole took over my lair and is trying to ruin Star Trek without me.
Connor: Akiva (Grits teeth) Goldsman...
Berman: You know him?
Connor: I thought I recognized his vile stench when we arrived here.
Connor McLeod of Clan McLeod sat at the local tavern, sipping on his ale. Chick in hand, he was getting ready to go back to his home and get a piece of ass. Suddenly, a lone man walked in the door with a goofy expression on his face. The lone man walks over to Connor.
Connor: What the hell are you looking at, buddy?
Lone Man: I am Akiva Goldsman of Clan Goldsman. I was just admiring your chick. She is one choice piece of ass.
Connor: Why thank you, Mr. Goldsman. Now, I’ll have to ask you to excuse us. I was just on my way to get some poon-tang.
Goldsman: (Unsheathes his sword) I’m afraid I can’t let you do that. I have tried picking up prostitutes all over this town, and none of them will have me. Therefore, I am forced to take your chick. There can be only one!
Connor: You... son... of... a... bitch! THAT WAS MY LINE!
(Insert “Princes of the Universe” here)
A big-ass sword fight starts. Metal clanking on metal, sparks flying everywhere. Whiskey bottles are smashed, onlookers are decapitated. Finally, there is a swipe, and Connor falls to the ground, screaming like a little schoolgirl.
Connor: You bastard! You cut off my last remaining testicle!
Goldsman: The day is mine, Connor McLeod of Clan McLeod. I leave you now to screw your chick. If you’re lucky, I may bring her back that way you can get sloppy seconds. (A grin comes across his face) Oh, yeah. I forgot, YOU HAVE NO BALLS! BWAHAHAHAHA!
(Everybody was looking at Connor McLeod of Clan McLeod. He was holding the general area where his nut sack had been, wincing in pain)
Phil: Are you okay?
Connor: Yes. That just... brought back painful memories.
Dustin: Dude... you have no balls.
Connor: (Angry) OH YEAH? WELL, I MAY HAVE NO BALLS, BUT I BET I STILL BANG MORE CHICKS IN ONE DAY THAN YOU WILL IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!
(Dustin runs off, sobbing loudly)
Berman: All right. So, now we can agree we all have a common enemy.
Connor: I hate Akiva Goldsman’s guts. I have never met Jon Peters, but I have watched some of his movies. That bastard completely ruined Wild Wild West. That makes him an enemy in my book. (Looks at Berman) And I will still get my revenge from you cutting off my first testicle, you rotten bastard!
Braga: Individually, we are weak. Together, we can take down Peters and Goldsman!
(The group cheers)
Sisko: So, let’s break this f-ing door down!
In Rick Berman’s lair, Jon Peters and Akiva Goldsman are busy looking at their monitors, which are filled with scenes from homes across the country. All over, living rooms are deserted, except for a few instances where people can be seen dangling from their ceiling fans, suspended from ropes tied around their necks.
Goldsman: All is going according to plan, Mr. Peters! Batman and Robin is showing all around the globe.
Peters: Excellent. Get me the President of the United States. (On the viewscreen, George W. Bush appears on the screen) Ah, Mr. President...
Bush: What have you done?!? You insane madman! Why can’t I watch my Looney Tunes?
Peters: You can watch all your Looney Tunes in good time, Mr. President. All I require from you is an exorbitant fee of $137 million dollars, so I can proceed with a devious plan I have.
Bush: What kind of devious plan?
Peters: With my money, I intend to begin production on Lost in Space 2, which I will produce and Akiva Goldsman will write and direct!
(On the screen, George W. falls off of his chair, screaming)
Bush: You evil bastard! Lost in Space was the most dreadful piece of crap I have ever seen! Why in God’s name would you want to make a sequel to that horrid movie? It made Mortal Kombat Annihilation look like Shakespeare!
Peters: I have my own plans for Lost in Space 2. Now, are you going to give me my money or not?
Bush: You heard me. The United States does not negotiate with terrorists.
Peters: Oh, playing hard-ball, huh? WELL, GET A GOOD LOOK AT THIS!
(Peters pushes a button, and Batman and Robin is replaced by Lost in Space.)
Robot: DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! YOU ARE MY FRIEND! MUST KILL ROBINSON FAMILY!
Dr. Smith: Give my regards to oblivion.
Bush: ARRRGHH! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! OKAY! OKAY! I GIVE UP! JUST, PLEASE, STOP!
Peters: Excellent choice, Mr. President. I knew you’d see my point of view.
Bush: All right, damn you. Where do you want the money wired?
(All of a sudden, a loud crash is heard, and some red lights start swirling)
Computer: INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!
(Peters and Goldsman look at the monitors and see Berman and the McLeods run in)
Goldsman: Holy shit! It’s them! And they’ve joined forces!
Peters: (Smiles hideously) Bring them on! I am not concerned with them being here. For, I have a secret weapon. (Peters pushes a button on his remote, and out of the lair’s speakers, Michael Bolton starts blaring out.)
Bolton: WHEN A MAAAAAAN, LOVES A WOMMAAAAAN...
(Goldsman covers his ears and starts screaming, Peters starts laughing.)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Berman’s lair is under attack! Jon Peters and Akiva Goldsman make their last stand! Stay tuned!