Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 15: “Endgame”

Written by Jason Reichstetter

Connor McLeod and Duncan McLeod of Clan McLeod are at LAX airport, awaiting the arrival of their flight back to Scotland. They have, however, one slight problem...

Duncan: These damned airport security checkpoints! We’ve been standing here for eight hours and haven’t moved one bloody foot!

(Connor and Duncan look toward the metal detector, some five hundred feet away, where people are piled up trying to get through)

Connor: I told you we should have left yesterday! I told you there would be a long line, you schmuck!

Duncan: (Glares at Connor) Listen. We didn’t leave yesterday because we had to catch that X-rated play, remember? Phil and Dustin took us there to celebrate our victory over Berman and Braga!

Connor: Oh, yeah. (Connor looks at the non moving line) This sucks ass. I told you there could be only one. (Connor begins to unsheathe his sword. Duncan stops him)

Duncan: Do you have to do that everywhere we go?

Connor: What?

Duncan: This morning at McDonald’s, when I was eating my Egg McMuffin, you shouted there can be only one and decapitated that old guy drinking his coffee. It’s really embarrassing.

(Connor starts weeping)

Meanwhile...

Farther up in the line, Agents Mulder, Scully, Doggett and Krycek are standing by Phil and Dustin, who are all waiting to board their plane.

Phil: I’ll tell you what, this frigging sucks.

Dustin: Agreed. It reminds me of that Star Trek: First Contact where Captain Picard is ordered by Starfleet Command not to come to Earth to fight in the Borg invasion, because he is an unstable element.

Mulder: How the hell does this remind you of First Contact?!?

Phil: Yeah! That’d be soooo cool if a Borg sphere flew by here and traveled back in time and we got to go back and stop it!

Dustin: Yeah! If that happened, though, who would we be? I think I’d be Captain Picard.

Phil: No way, dude! I’d be Picard! You’d be Commander Riker.

Dustin: Oh, yeah! Commander Riker would be cool! (Looks at Agent Scully and smiles) ...and she’d be Deanna... (Dustin wraps his arm around Scully and starts slobbering. Scully slaps him in the face)

Phil: Haha! Dumbass.

Dustin: Hey, shut up!

Phil: You shut up!

Dustin: You!

Phil: Phil, you’re a stupid dumbass.

Dustin: Oh, yeah? If I’m such a stupid dumbass, then how come you’re the one who thinks there’s only 78 original Star Trek episodes?

Phil: Because there were.

Dustin: You retard! “The Menagerie” was a two parter! That counts as two episodes! So there are 79!

Phil: “The Menagerie” does not count as two stories, because “The Menagerie 2” was the continuation of the first one!

Dustin: 79!

Phil: 78!

Dustin: Seventy-nine!

Phil: Seventy-eight

(At this point, Phil and Dustin start bitch slapping each other. A whole squadron of National Guardsmen walk up, beat the crap out of the two, and haul them off to U.S. Customs. Mulder, Scully, Doggett and Krycek all look at each other)

Krycek: Hehehehehe! Little did he know “The Menagerie” was actually the original pilot, and doesn’t count as any episode! Hehehehe! Dumbasses!

Meanwhile...

Captain Sisko has returned to Deep Space Nine, after paying fifty bucks to get it out of the LAPD impound lot. Captain Sisko scanned the surrounding LA metropolitan area, but couldn’t locate his crew.

Sisko: Dammit.

(Sisko walked over to Miles O’Brien’s station and flipped up a clear cover on his station marked “DON’T TOUCH!” A red button was located under the cover.)

Sisko: Out of all my years serving in the Starfleet, I never thought I’d have to use this button! (Sisko presses it)

R — E — S — E — T

Ops was abuzz with activity. Major Kira was busy bitching out O’Brien about a ruptured EPS conduit, and Constable Odo was busy trying to cop a feel of Major Kira’s ass. Sisko smiled to himself.

Sisko: Chief! What is our present position?

O’Brien: (Looks at Sisko stupidly) The same place it’s been for the past six years, sir. We’re in orbit of the wormhole.

Sisko: Excellent! Carry on!

(Sisko walks up to his office and sits down in his chair and throws his baseball in the air. The baseball misses his hand and smashes out the big scenic window. The vacuum of space quickly starts sucking out the oxygen)

Sisko: OH! SHIT!

(Constable Odo finally gives up trying to cop a feel for Kira and grabs her tit and sticks his tongue down her throat)

Meanwhile...

In the hot desert, three forms can be seen walking side by side.

Berkett: Why must I be surrounded by fricking idiots?

Berman: I’M NOT AN IDIOT! IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO TAKE BACK MY LAIR! I WANTED TO STOP MCLEOD AND THOSE TWO TREKKIE BASTARDS!

Braga: (Rolls his eyes) Bitch bitch bitch...

Berkett: SHUT UP! THIS WAS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Berman: IS NOT! IT’S YOUR FAULT WE’RE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF A FRIGGING DESERT!

Berkett: WHY IN THE NAME OF HELL DID YOU BUILD YOU LAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF A FRIGGING DESERT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

(Berman is quiet for some time. Suddenly, Berkett is jerked from Berman and Braga’s field of vision. Berman looks down)

Berman: (Scared) AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Zombie-Roddenberry: BERMAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!

(Berman and Braga take off running and screaming like two frightened schoolgirls from the Zombie Roddenberry, as he devours Sick Berkett’s flesh)

Zombie-Roddenberry: BERRRRRMMMMAAANNNNNN...

(We zoom in on Zombie-Roddenberry’s eye, which is blood red. Zombie Roddenberry snickers to himself as Berman and Braga continue running further out into the desert)

THE END

(or is it?)