Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 14: “To Whom the Console Explodes”

Written by Jason Reichstetter

Peters: Red alert! All hands battlestations! (Rick Berman’s former lair turned a dark red color as swirly red lights spun around and around and around)

Goldsman: (Holds his mouth) Urp. I think I’m going to be sick.

Peters: Nonsense! We have to stay in fight!

Goldsman: No, you don’t understand. I’m prone to epileptic seizures, and the swirly red lights, that klaxon, and that Michael Bolton music is NOT helping my condition.


Peters: Look here, you pansy! If you ever want to make that sequel to Deep Blue Sea, you will do exactly what I tell you! Got it?

Goldsman: (Looks at Peters intently and sighs) All right. (They start running off, toward where Berman and his gang are approaching) You gotta admit though, Deep Blue Sea was an act of genius. Casting LL Cool J, Michael Rappaport and a bunch of British people in the same movie! That was brilliant on my part! Shame it didn’t get nominated for an Academy Award...

Peters: Yeah, it’s too bad they don’t have an Academy Award for lamest movie of the year. It would’ve brought home the gold for that.

Goldsman: Hey, shut up. You were the one who decided to put that damned Nuclear Man in Superman IV. I never did anything that lame for Batman.

Peters: No, but what the hell was the deal with all the frigging neon lights all over the place?

Goldsman: Joel Schumacher and I thought it made Metropolis look kewl.

(All of a sudden, they run into them. Standing in the middle of the corridor, is Rick Berman, Sick Berkett, Mini-Berman, Brannon Braga, Captain Sisko, Agent Mulder, Connor and Duncan McLeod, and Phil and Dustin. They all looked pissed)

Phil: Batman lives in Gotham City, not Metropolis, dumbass!

Dustin: Yeah! (Punches Goldsman in the face) And this... (Punches him again) is for giving Batman lame one-liners!

Phil: Holy shit, Dustin! Where did you learn to fight like that?

Dustin: Star Trek, original series, Tribbles episode. Scotty kicks the Klingons’ asses!

Phil: Yeah!

Phil and Dustin together: You Klingon bastards! (They start wailing on Peters and Goldsman, laughing hard, enjoying themselves)

Sisko: By the Prophets, you are whooping some ass!

Mulder: Hell yeah!

(Goldsman and Peters get up and start running away, like a bunch of pansies.)

Connor: Hey! Come back here!

(Connor and Duncan start chasing them.)

(The entire group starts running after them, except for Berman, Berkett and Braga, who just stand there.)

Mulder: Hey, aren’t you guys coming?

Berman: Uh, just a second... (Berman starts looking around, his face turning bright red) we... uh... forgot to turn the iron off... we’re just going to go ahead and turn it off.

Braga: Yeah. (Braga says slowly) We’ll catch up to you guys in a few minutes.

(The three snicker to themselves)

Mulder: Okaaaaay. I don’t know what’s so frigging funny, but we’ll save some ass kicking for you!

Berkett: Wouldn’t miss it!

(The three snicker again. Mulder runs off to join the others.)

Berman: Now! (The three run to the main computer core, where they find the area is deserted. The three high five themselves and sit down at separate consoles)

Berkett: As soon as we regain control of my compound, they should be easy to overtake!

Berman: You mean my compound.

Berkett: No, my compound!

Berman: I built the f-ing thing!

Braga: Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting amongst ourselves won’t solve anything. We need to take care of everybody first.

Berkett: Shut up.

Braga: Sorry.

Mini-Berman: If we reroute auxiliary power through the main EPS conduit and flush them out into the main corcular adjunct, it should get rid of them.

Berman: DO IT!


Connor, Duncan and the gang have cornered Goldsman and Peters into a corner, where they are trapped.

Connor: And now, you gutless piece of shit, I will avenge myself for you cutting off my nuts!

Goldsman: It... it... it wasn’t me! (Goldsman looks around nervously) It... it was HIM! (Goldsman points to Peters) Yeah! I was following orders from him!

Connor: (Looks over at Peters) You will pay for my missing testicles.

Peters: He’s lying! I don’t even know what he’s talking about!

Connor: Too late! (Connor smiles) There can be only none! (Connor swipes his blade down, and a bloody mess forms in the front of Peter’s pants. Peters starts screaming and falls to the floor, holding his severed nuts) I was going to cut your balls off anyway. God, Wild Wild West sucked. Now, you! (Connor points at Goldsman) There can be only one!

(Insert Princes of the Universe here)

Goldsman pulls out his sword, and a huge gigantic fight breaks out, making the lightsaber battle in The Phantom Menace look like it was done by a bunch of amateurs. Swords are swooshing around everywhere, cutting into everything, sparks flying every which way. Connor swipes at Goldsman. Goldsman ducks. Goldsman swipes at Connor, Connor ducks and swipes back. Lots of ducking and swiping are going on. There is a couple of second pause, and Berman’s entire lair collapses and falls to the ground. Goldsman is looking around at the destroyed lair. Connor finishes Goldsman off by taking one swipe at Goldsman’s nards. They fall off instantly. Goldsman joins Peters on the ground, crying.

Duncan: That was a great battle. (They all look over their shoulder and see Berman, Braga and Berkett busy tinkering around with a computer console.)

Connor: Ah, ah! (He shakes his finger) I don’t think so...

(They run over to where Berman and Braga are sitting, and they run off, scared out of their minds. Connor sheathes his sword again.)

Mulder: Think we’ve seen the last of them?

Duncan: (Sniffs the air) By the scent of that urine, I think it would be safe to assume we’ve seen the last of them.

(Everybody in the group puts their arms around each other, hugging. All of a sudden, a faint chirping noise is heard, and some Michael Bolton lyrics start blaring out of one remaining speaker. Duncan pulls out his blade and stabs the speaker, effectively silencing it. They head back toward Los Angeles)



The final fate of Berman and Braga is revealed! Captain Sisko rejoins his crew! Agent Mulder finds a surprise when he joins Agent Scully! Connor and Duncan leave for Scotland! Stay tuned!