Episode 4: “Night of the No-Names”

Written by Swordtail

Scene 1 - Mess hall. Only a few No-Names are present along with Senseless and Righteous.

Righteous - Ah yes. Morning on the Celestial. The most peaceful and quiet time of all. The night shift crew have fallen asleep at their posts and the morning shift is refusing to wake up. This is the perfect time for praying.

Senseless - Yeah, it is pretty quiet.

Pause, as they sip their drinks. Tener then runs into the messhall screaming:

Tener - IT’S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NO-NAMES FROM A PLANET NEAR CARDASSIA!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!

The entire ship wakes up. Loud mumbling fills the mess hall.

Senseless - Yep, it’s going to be one of those days...

Opening credits, showing the ship flying around aimlessly instead of doing its mission.

Scene 2 - Briefing room. All are present. Tener is shouldering a phaser rifle and looks scared sh*tless. Genocide is also holding a rifle but looks calm and relaxed. Baque are Center are having a mercy fight and Greaser and Stoner are b*tch-slapping each other. Bios is dismantling the wall monitor and Puker is handing out Tylenol to No-Names. Righteous is praying and Senseless is banging his head against the table.

Tener - I’m telling you man, they’re coming for us.

Center - How-MERCY-do you know?

Tener - Two Federation starships near here have recently been mysteriously destroyed.

Senseless - That doesn’t mean anything.

Tener - Yes it does! It means that zombie radioactive no-names are heading this way! What other reason is there for the destruction of those two ships?

Genocide - Oh, I don’t know... maybe... The war!?!?!

Tener - I’m telling you, we gotta raise shields, charge weapons and get the hell out of here!

Senseless - The latter of which we most certainly will do. We are ordered to escort Ambassador Worf to Qo’noS.

Bios - Um sir? Ambasssador Worf was on one of the ships that blew up.

Senseless - Damn it! God damn it!

Righteous - Everything will work out fine. It always does.

Baque - Not on this ship.

Stoner - That is not logical. We have so far managed to survive.

Baque - I’ve had about enough of your logic crap. One more word and I’m going to kick your Vulcan ass!

Senseless - I’m getting a headache...

Puker - Tylenol?

Senseless - No thanks, I’ve got a crate of the stuff in my quarters.

No-Name #1 - Bridge to Captain Righteous.

Righteous - ...

No-Name #1 - Captain Righteous, please respond.

Righteous - ...

Senseless - Senseless to Bridge, what is it?

No-Name #1 - Sir, there is an escape pod decloaking off the port bow. There is one Klingon life sign onboard.

Stoner - Ambassador Worf was the only Klingon aboard those ships, so one can logically conclude it is him.

Baque - That’s it! Get over here!

Senseless - Hey! Knock it off. Crewman, Beam him to the briefing room.

Bzzzzzt!

Worf - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tener - AH! He’s been zombiefied!

Worf - What? No! Damn it! I need sleep! Send me back to that pod!

Senseless - Sorry, sir, but we have to get you to Qo’noS.

Worf - Can I sleep along the way?

Center - Of course.

Worf - Good. Since I left DS9 my biological clock has been screwed up trying to get back into 24 hour time mode. I haven’t managed to get more than an hour of sleep at a time. I’m so tired I keep making mistakes.

Bios - Are you responsible for the destruction of your escort ship?

Worf - Partially. I fell asleep at the tactical console while we were under attack and accidentally lowered the shields.

Genocide - Who attacked you?

Worf - I am not sure. It was a very old and heavily damaged 2370’s Galaxy class, with hole through it, one nacelle missing, no life signs, yet it destroyed two Federation Akira-class starships. Oh and a lot of radiation was coming from that ship.

Tener - IT’S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NO-NAMES FROM A PLANET NEAR CARDASSIA!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Tener runs screaming from the room.

Senseless - Would someone please sedate him before he hurts himself?!

Stoner leaves the room.

Senseless - That’s better. Now, Ambassador, do you have any more information regarding the ship that attacked you?

Worf - zzzzzzzzzzzsnorezzzzzzzzz

Senseless - Damn it, Worf, wake up!

Worf - Kahless damn it!

Senseless - As I was saying before, so you have any additional information?

Worf - I don’t know, I slept through most of it.

Tener pokes his head into the room.

Tener - Zombie No-Names! AHHHHH–

Stoner’s arm comes out of nowhere and gives Tener the Vulcan neck pinch.

Righteous - You’ll have to excuse him, he’s not usually like this.

Greaser - But what if he’s right?

Senseless - I’ll say this once and I’m not going to say it again: There are no such things as radioactive mutant zombie no–

WHAM!!! Ship rocks, sparks.

Intercom - All hands, battle stations! Senior staff report to the bridge.

They get up and go onto the bridge.

Senseless - Wait, don’t tell me. Let me guess...

Center - The ship matching Mr. Worf’s description is firing at us.

Senseless - Take out their weapons.

Pwee pwee!

Genocide - Done.

Center - They’re on a collision course!

Righteous - Evasive manoeuvres!

...

Senseless - Mr. Baque, get us out of here!

They all look at the empty helm chair.

Senseless - Lieutenant!

Baque is arm wrestling with Worf at the side of the bridge.

Baque - What? I’m keeping him awake.

Bios - But he’s asleep.

Baque - Well in that case... I... was... um... letting him win. Yeah, that’s it...

Senseless- Jesus Christ. Computer, activate the manual steering column.

Computer - That feature is only available in the registered version of CelestOS. Upgrade today!

SMASH!!!!!

Center - Hull breach on deck 20!

Baque goes to his station... finally.

Baque - Engines are offline.

Genocide - Weapons are offline.

Greaser - Warp core is offline.

Senseless - The Captain is offline.

Righteous - mumble mumble Huh? What? Did something happen?

Center - The hostile is wedged into deck 20.

Bios - Here we go with calling it a hostile...

Tener wakes up.

Tener - I’m not going to be the one to take on an army of undead No-Names.

Senseless - There are no such things as zombies. The ship’s computer probably just malfunctioned and started fighting other Federation ships.

Bios - A cloud of radiation is moving through deck 20.

Senseless looks as his swivel console and sees the life signs on deck 20 wink out as they are overcome by radiation.

Senseless - Oh for frank’s sake. Seal off deck 20.

Righteous - Security to deck 19... I can recognize the radioactive isotopic quantum signature of a Pah-Wraith anywhere...

Senseless - Um... ok...

Tener - I’m not going anywhere.

Senseless - Do you want to be demoted?

Tener - At least I’ll still be alive... for a while.

Senseless - Fine. Genocide, go.

Genocide - Oh, kick ass!

Genocide takes off from his console and smashes open the turbolift doors. He runs into the vacant shaft and free-falls eight decks.

Genocide - Oie, that last step was a doozy.

With that, he falls unconscious.

Senseless - Four hundred years and Murphy’s Law still reigns over the galaxy. If something can go wrong, it probably will.

Scene 3 - Deck 19. Several no-name dime-a-dozen security guards are guarding a Jefferies tube hatch. Naturally, you know someone’s going to die in this scene.

No-Name #2 - Why do we have to be on the front lines?

No-Name #3 - Because we’re expendable.

No-Name #2’s tricorder starts beeping urgently. She opens it and checks the readout.

No-Name #2 - The radiation on this hatch just increased by a factor of ten!

A knocking sound comes from the hatch.

No-Name #3 - Who is it?

Someone - Urgg.

No-Name #3 - Sorry, that’s not today’s security code. Come back next Tuesday.

Someone - Urgggg!

No-Name #3 - No! Get a life!

Someone - Urgg! Urgg!

No-Name #3 reaches to open the hatch.

No-Name #3 - I’m not going to tell you again. Next urgg and I’m blowing you to pieces.

He opens the hatch and sees a pale-faced half burned humanoid thing crawling towards him.

No-Name #2 and 3 - AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

No-Name #2 vaporizes the zombie but dozens more come out and overcome them and eat their brains and all that fun stuff.

No-Name #4 - AH! Security breach! Security breach!

No-Name #4 shoots the zombies repeatedly but the shots just blow holes through them and they keep coming.

No-Name #4 - I’d better get a damn raise for this!

Scene 4 - Sickbay. Center, Stoner, Puker, Righteous, Tener, and Senseless are standing over an unconscious Genocide who is lying on a biobed.

Senseless - What’s his condition, doctor?

Puker - He broke every second bone in his body. It’s a miracle he survived at all.

Senseless - This couldn’t have come at a worse time. Our ship is heavily damaged, and the reports coming in from the lower decks are not good. The intruders have taken over most of deck 19, and their description is that they’re zombie-like.

Tener - Hah! I told you so!

Greaser walks in.

Greaser - Damn it, if those bastards keep walking into the force fields like they are, the emitters will overload.

Righteous - Ensign Center, please send out a distress signal.

Center - Right away.

Center leaves the room and goes right down the corridor. Senseless and Righteous leave and go left.

Senseless - We’re pretty isolated. I doubt help will arrive for a while.

Suddenly, Sonic the Hedgehog flies around the corner at Mach 3 and throws the two officers into the wall.

Senseless - I’m starting to realize that having holoemitters on every deck isn’t such a good idea. Hey... That’s it! We can use the holoemitters on deck 19 and 20 to create an army of holo-soldiers!

Righteous - We’ll fix this problem before you can say “all hail the Prophets!”

As soon as the words leave his mouth, main power goes offline.

Senseless - God damn it.

Tener runs by.

Tener - AH! Who turned out the lights!

Worf - Who cares? Now I can get some sleep!

Greaser - F***ing no-names. They can’t shove a sharp stick into a bucket of sh*t! They have to be supervised at all darn times!

Senseless - The forcefields on deck 19 were tied into a separate power source, right?

Greaser stands still staring at him.

Greaser - ...Okay, here’s what I think happened:

With that she promptly turns around and leaves.

Senseless - All hands, retreat to deck 18 and seal off deck 19. All senior staff report to the briefing room.

Righteous - I think the talky thingy is broken.

Tener - You mean the comm system.

Righteous - You say tomato, I say cucumber...

Senseless - Crap. Lieutenant, go take command of the security force like you should have ten minutes ago.

Tener - I’m not risking my life for–

Senseless - If they don’t kill you, I certainly will, now go!

Senseless stomps off to round up the senior staff.

Tener - Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. And while I’m at it, why don’t I go to Qo’noS and start a bar fight? Christ.

Scene 5 - USS Saratoga. Captain Farfetched is sitting in his duct taped command chair on the battle bridge because the main bridge is destroyed. An Andorian pops his head up from behind the tactical railing that was just recently fixed.

Lieutenant-Commander Garsh - Sir, I’m picking up a distress signal. It’s from the USS Celestial.

Farfetched - This had better not be one of your poorly thought out practical jokes, Garsh. I still haven’t forgiven you for that incident last week where you destroyed the USS Citadel.

Commander Shelby - I’m getting it too.

Farfetched - And youuuu, you jackass, where were you when all that was happening? And don’t pull the old “malfunctioning holodeck” trick on me! I’ve heard it a million times before.

Lieutenant Scratcher - OPS REPORTING SIR! THERE IS INDEED A PRIORITY ONE DISTRESS SIGNAL EMANATING FROM THE USS CELESTIAL SIR!

Farfetched - Tone it down a notch before I demote you to the rank of Private, jackass.

Scratcher - SIR YES SIR!!!

No-Name #5 - Shall I set a course for the Celestial, sir or ma’am?

Shelby - Yes, but make sure we only have to turn right. Every time we make a left, the saucer separates.

Scene 6 - Celestial, deck 7 - Senseless is waiting impatiently at a turbolift door. Greaser walks down a corridor and meets him.

Senseless - Damn EPS conduits malfunctioning again?

Greaser - Everything’s offline. We’ve only got eight hours before gravity plating goes too. As for now, weapons, shields, engines–all down.

Senseless - In other words, we’re completely helpless.

Greaser - Aren’t we always?

A No-Name walk up to them.

No-Name #6 - Sir, crew report. 19 dead, 36 wounded. We’ve lost everything under deck 16. Ensign Center is on the bridge, Lieutenant Tener is on deck 15, we can’t find Lieutenant Bios, and the rest of the senior officers are here on deck 7.

Senseless - What do you mean you can’t find Bios?

No-Name #6 - Last anyone say of her she was on deck 14.

Senseless - Are there any major systems on deck 14?

Greaser - No, not really. Just the main deflector control room, Auxiliary computer processor, antimatter storage pods, and top of the warp core. There’s also the shuttle bay, cargo bays 1, 2, and 3, battle bridge, an important ODN relay junction, and the primary computer memory core.

Senseless - Who the heck designed this ship?

No-Name #6 - Do you want me to go find her before she breaks something?

Senseless - That’s probably a good idea. In the meantime Commander, try to get to engineering by way of the Jefferies tubes and get main power back online... or the food replicators... whichever is easier.

Scene 7 - Deck 14. Bios is peeking around corners looking to see if anyone is nearby.

Bios - Hey, I’m the only person on this deck. Kick ass!

She runs toward the auxiliary computer core room. Inside she starts taking apart the consoles and rearranging the isolinear chips in the processor core.

Scene 8 - Main engineering. Greaser walks in and the engineering crew scramble to put away their poker chips.

Greaser - Okay, which one of you morons broke the bloody ship?

No-Name #7 - The zombies did it! I swear!

Greaser - Then which one of you neglected to fix it?

No-Name #8 - We didn’t want to wake him up.

Greaser looks toward a corner and sees Worf fast asleep against a wall.

Greaser - (sigh) I can see we’re due for another department-wide game of Russian Roulette.

She takes a deep breath.

Greaser - GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The No-Names hit the ground running and take off for their stations.

Worf - Damn it!

A piece of tritanium bulkhead falls from the upper level and hits Worf on the head, knocking him out. Greaser looks to where the debris came from and sees Bios using a phaser welder on a wall monitor.

Greaser - Lieutenant! Get down here! On the double!

Bios jumps from the railing and slides down the warp core casing.

Bios - OW! HOT! BURNING!

Righteous storms into the room.

Righteous - What in the Kai’s name is all this yelling for?!

Senseless, Genocide, and Stoner run into the room.

Senseless - I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU HALF-WITTED CREW!

Genocide - IF YOU WERE A HALF-DECENT COMMANDER, WE WOULDN’T BE SO INCOMPETENT!

Stoner - LOGIC! PURE LOGIC! SOMETHING THIS SHIP LACKS!

Just then the lights and warp core turn on.

Greaser - Finally!

The wall at the far end of Lower Engineering bursts open and mutant zombie No-Names pour out. Leading them is a zombified Tener.

Worf, Stoner, Greaser, Senseless, Righteous, Genocide, Bios: DAMN IT! GOD/KAHLESS/SURAK/PROPHETS DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Stoner - Oh my God! They killed Tener! You bastards!!!

Greaser - Break the coolant tanks!

Worf hurls the debris next to him at one of the warp coolant conduits and breaks it. Green gas begins filling the lower deck and starts killing the zombies.

Senseless - Everyone to the bridge!

Scene 9 - A Tellarite freighter floats just off the Celestial’s starboard aft. Onboard...

Tellarite #1 - Ha ha ha! Server you right! Ram my ship will you? You deserve this!

Just then the USS Saratoga drops out of warp right behind the merchant ship but the saucer section keeps going and slices the freighter in two.

Onboard the Saratoga...

Farfetched - Lock tractor beam on our saucer. Guys, this is happening too often. That imitation duct tape just isn’t working in the vacuum of space. Lieutenant Scratcher, hail the Celestial.

Scratcher - CONSIDER IT DONE SIR!... THEY’RE NOT RESPONDING SIR!

Shelby - Scan the ship. What’s their status?

Scratcher - RADIATION IS PREVENTING ME FROM GETTING A CLEAR READING MA’AM!

Farfetched - Commander, prepare an away team.

Scratcher - WAIT! I’m getting a text message from the Celestial. They say to transport over security teams and portable force field emitters. Captain Righteous wishes to talk to you SIR!!!

Farfetched - Inform the doctor that I’m going to need another of those industrial deafness therapies.

No-Name #5 - Hey why haven’t we noticed that big, broken Galaxy-class ship sticking out of the Celestial?

Farfeteched - Let’s not get nitpicky about continuity now.

Scene 10 - Celestial’s briefing room. Righteous, Baque, Center, Bios, Greaser, Genocide, Senseless, Stoner, Puker, Worf, Farfetched, Shelby, Garsh, and Scratcher are all crammed into the small room. Most of them are sitting on the floor because Starfleet was too cheap to add extra removable chairs.

Senseless - So the big question is, how do you kill the dead?

Stoner - Technically they’re the “undead.”

Baque - They’re still dead!

Farfetched - They’re not trying to destroy the Celestial, or they would have done so already. My best guess is they intend to use the Celestial to attack other Federation starships.

Shelby - How would they know that the Celestial is any better than their old ship? After all, half their brains are eaten. And besides, everyone already knows the Celestial isn’t worth taking over anyway.

Righteous - Hey!

Puker - There is one possibility...

Righteous - Let’s hear it.

Puker - Zombies propagate by eating the brains of the living, right?

Senseless - Probably not, but for a plot device we’ll assume they do.

Puker - Everything I’ve read says that if you kill the original zombie, all the rest will go back to normal.

Garsh - There is one problem with that plan. Those are Jem’Hadar weapons signatures on that ship’s hull. Thousands of people lost their lives during the war. Who could possibly know who’s the first one?

They all sit with puzzled expressions on their faces. Out the window the Saratoga’s stardrive is chasing the saucer in a desperate attempt to dock with it.

Greaser - Wait a minute! This person, whoever she is, must have extended knowledge of the Celestial since the mutants were able to shut down main power from the lower decks.

Righteous - Perhaps it was someone who worked on building the Celestial.

Senseless - Well, Mr. Baque, do you remember what happened the day we launched the ship?

Baque - Umm... refresh my memory.

Senseless - You went to hard to port too soon and slammed through the wall of the shipyard.

Baque - Oh right...

Bios - There were hundreds of people killed that day! Who could possibly be the original zombie?

Genocide - Wait! Before that happened, didn’t we run into a maintenance pod?

Senseless - Of course! The maintenance man! No one suspects the maintenance man...!

Righteous - Helm boy, set a course for Utopia Planitia, maximum warp!

Farfetched - Away team to Saratoga, beam us back. We’ll follow you guys... as soon as we fix our ship.

Senseless - Dismissed.

They all go to the Bridge as the Saratoga main characters are beamed away.

Righteous - Mr. Baque, set a course, bearing 133 mark 996. Engae at warp 8.6139213141592655884.

Senseless - Sir, shouldn’t we fix that problem on deck 20–

Righteous - Not now, I’m on a roll. Engage!

SCRAPE! Ship rocks, sparks!

Center - We just tore off half of deck 20.

Righteous - A minor setback. Resume course.

The Celestial jumps to warp and rips off the rest of deck 20.

Scene 11 - The Celestial drops out of warp inside the Sol system with the zombie ship hot on its tail and the Saratoga’s saucer following it, with the Saratoga’s stardrive bringing up the rear.

Center - Hey Toc, look out for that–

SMASH!

The Celestial clips Jupiter Station, breaking off one of the four communications antennas and sending the station spinning.

Center - —station.

Senseless - I can see where this is going.

Center - We’re being hailed.

Senseless - On screen.

Beep! The viewscreen is showing Admiral Nelix being tossed around his office ands looking very mad.

Nelix - (RIIIIGGHTEEEEOUUUSS! Your senior staff, my office, now!)

Righteous - Sorry, no time for chit chat. Give our regards to Dr. Zimmerman and tell him we need a new EMH.

SMASH! The zombie ship takes off another of the antennas and the station spins even faster.

Nelix - (WHAT THE HELL!!??!!)

Then the Saratoga’s saucer takes another antenna out.

Nelix - (FARFETCHED! Your senior staff, my office now!!)

Farfetched - With all due respect sir, you’re a jackass!

Nelix - (ALL OF YOU ARE SCUM! Pond scum! Frozen pond scum! Rotten, frozen useless pond scum! If I knew how sh*tty the Ninth Fleet was, I never would have offered to fill in for Admiral Spot while she was off on vacation! I just get through dealing with Kira, Shields, and Picard and now this! Well! I’ve got a few four letter words for you! They go something like this: FUC–)

Then the Saratoga’s stardrive takes out the last communications antenna and the transmission is cut.

Senseless - Okay, new topic. What’s the status of the zombie ship?

Center - It’ll never catch us. It’s too slow and unmotivated.

Senseless - Good. That gives us time to tend to unfinished business. Mr. Genocide, go round up Mr. Tener and take him to sickbay.

Genocide - Ummm... do I have to?

Senseless - It’s in the job description. Read the manual.

Genocide - I never got any manual!

Baque - Neither did the rest of us, but that never stopped Starfleet from court-martialing us before.

Puker - Dr. Puker to bridge. People are dying down here!

Baque - People are always dying down there!

Puker - The radioactive mutant zombies have taken over deck 7!

Senseless - Try to keep them out of sickbay. We’ll think of something.

Scene 12 - Sickbay. No-Names are running around frantically trying not to get killed as some yellow-shirt-thugs are shoving a biobed (with someone on it) up against the sickbay doors.

Puker - Alright everybody, into the Jefferies tubes. Computer, activate the EMH.

Bugs Bunny - Ehhhh... What’s up doc?

Stoner - I never thought it would be logical to say this, but that is a far more logical greeting than the old one.

Puker - Hold them off while we escape.

Puker closes the hatch as the doors give way and zombies start to pour into the room, killing the No-Name lying on the biobed.

Bugs Bunny - Now hold on there! You can’t just go barging into somebody’s house like that! In some countries you can get shot for that!

Zombie - Urgg!

Bugs Bunny - No “buts"! You go back outside and ask to come in the polite way!

Scene 13 - Bridge.

Senseless and Righteous are playing a Star Trek: Elite Force II deathmatch on the main viewer.

Senseless - Um, sir, I have heard that concentrating on something else can help you to get an answer to a problem, but I don’t think this is one of those problems.

Righteous - Actually, I’m just killing time while I wait for life to shower me with happiness.

Bios - Sir, I’m starving! Can we eat now? I’m so hungry I could actually eat that TurboLax Surprise!

Senseless - Laxative... That’s it! Computer! Have every replicator on the ship serve Turbolax Surprise all round!

Bzzzt!

Senseless - All hands, the food sitting in the replicators is free today! DIG IN, AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!

Righteous - All available power to the life support system.

Puker - Front lines to bridge, it’s working! The zombies are retreating faster than Picard’s hairline!

Senseless - Good. All senior staff report to the briefing room.

Scene 14. Briefing room. Puker, Stoner, Bios, Greaser, Genocide, George Bush, Righteous, Baque, Senseless, and Center sit down at the table.

Senseless - Science, report.

Bios - After digging through the archives for hours, even though I could have asked the computer to do it in seconds, I’m pretty confident that I’ve found our first zombie. A guy by the name of... well he doesn’t actually have a name so let’s call him Zombie #1.

Senseless - Next questions: How do we deal with this person?

Genocide - We bust into his hideout with phasers drawn and set to vaporize!

Righteous - I’ll ask the Prophets what we should do.

Righteous starts praying... as usual.

Baque - I’ve got a better idea. We pump him full of synthehol, make him tie one of his socks to his ear, put him in front of a table covered with Anthrax, exlax, cocaine, sleeping pills, salt, dead things, and cockroaches and tell him it’s an all you can eat buffet.

Everyone looks at Baque, blinking.

Baque - I read it in a book once.

Bush - To hell with the leader, let’s nuke the bastards like you should have let me do 400 years ago.

Greaser - Um...

Genocide - Yeah...

Stoner - To quote a famous poet, “No sense, no sense at all, because this is Star Trek!”

Then a No-Name standing in the corner spontaneously explodes. A temporal portal swallows George Bush and deposits Worf in his place. Then Lieutenant Tener walks into the room looking good as new.

Tener - Hey guys! Apparently I’m not a zombie, it was just acne and a bad pot of coffee.

Baque - Yeah, we all have morning’s like that. Best thing is to call in sick.

Tener - I used up all my sick days so I called in dead.

Senseless - Mr. Worf, would you please contact Qo’noS and tell them you’ll be a little late?

Worf - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Senseless - Worf, wake up!

Worf - DAMN IT! I NEED SLEEP!

No-Name #7 - Bridge to Captain Righteous.

Righteous - Speaking.

No-Name #7 - Starfleet Command is hailing us.

Senseless - Send it down here, Lieutenant.

Center - ...Great, another nameless extra that outranks me.

Beep!

Admiral #1 - Can’t you idiots go a week without making a huge mess?

Righteous - The Prophets are indeed smiling upon us.

Admiral #1 - Of course, how forgetful of me.

Senseless - Sir, as I’m sure the Saratoga already told you, we’ve got a bit of a zombie problem. Could you help us out?

Admiral #1 - Well, give them some beer and they’ll go away.

Senseless - We could use a hazard team like that non-existent one from Voyager. Could you prep Ensign Munroe and send him over?

Admiral #1 - Okay, whatever game you’re playing had better end now. There are no such things as radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia.

Senseless - That’s what I said too sir, but here we are!

Admiral #1 - You know what? This episode sucks! I’m putting and end to it right now!

Beep! (End’s communication)

Baque -...That never happened before.

Center - Does this mean no bonus this year?

Righteous - Has there ever been one?

No-Name #7 - Hey, everyone! The zombies are gone! They all beamed back to their ship and set a course for a coordinate near Cardassia Prime...!

Puker - Well, all’s well that ends well. We solved the mystery of the exploding ships, saved the Celestial from rabid undead No-Names, the Saratoga got some duct tape and Worf got some sleep.

Stoner - Another job logically well done.

Senseless - And the best part is, besides the 300 crewmen and the entire of deck 20, we haven’t lost anything.

No-Name #7 - ...But before they left they took all the latinum from the ship’s treasury...

Senseless, Genocide, Baque, Center - Damn it! God damn it!

The End

Baque - Damn foreign outsourcing.