Star Trek: The Celestial Parodies

Ever notice how most Starfleet ships seem to have perfect crews? Ever wonder whatever happened to all the misfits in the Federation? Wonder no longer, because you’re about to join the adventures of the Celestial! One of Starfleet’s most powerful warships has been placed under the command of a loony Bajoran vedek, Captain Righteous Lee. Along with his incompetent crew, he wreaks havoc across the Federation, leaving much more than ruffled cat fur in his wake. Usually, it’s up to the first officer, Commander Jack Senseless (the only sensible person on board) to clean up all the messes. The only question is, how big the mess is, and how many dead no-names it’ll take to clean everything up! And it all makes no sense, no sense at all, because this is Star Trek!

This parody is rated: AH: Absolutely Hysterical!!! Readers are advised to visit the restroom before reading this parody.

Disclaimer: The Celestial Parodies and related stories are copyright © 2005-2009 Swordtail, and are reproduced with the permission of the author. Star Trek is a registered trademark of CBS Studios Inc. No copyright infringement is intended. This parody is for noncommercial purposes only. Read the complete legal notice for more information.

Warning! May contain scenes that offend due to coarse language, violence, and immature subject matter. Reader discretion is advised.

Season One

Celestial: The Prequel Story
Starfleet cuts funding on a nearly-built starship, Bajor gets political, and the fun begins! (Note: This was written after episode three, so it really isn’t exactly a series premiere, episode one is.)
Episode 1: “The No Motion Picture”
The really long series premiere to Star Trek: Celestial. The Breen threaten the Alpha Quadrant, the Celestial goes on a wild targ chase, and Captain Righteous is... well, he’s just an idiot.
Episode 2: “Inspections for Dummies”
The crew encounter Species 8472, the ship gets its annual inspection from HQ, and the USS Celestial goes up against the Borg... all at the same time.
Episode 3: “Campaign Calamity”
The Federation is holding an a very important election, so naturally the Celestial has to find a way to screw it up.
Episode 4: “Night of the No-Names”
It’s the attack of the radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia!
Episode 5: “A Half-Assed Attempt at Rebellion”
The crew are transferred to DS9 and something semi-expected happens to the ship...
Episode 6: “Storm Back, Part I”
The USS Halfass encounters a temporal anomaly, sending them 2,000 years into Vulcan’s past. Naturally, they find a way to screw up the timeline.
Episode 7: “Storm Back, Part II”
The crew determine a way to fix the timeline, but pulling it off without making things worse might be trickier than they thought...
Episode 8: “Dawn of the Speds”
Yep, you guessed it: It’s the return of the radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia!
Episode 9: “The Day All Hell Broke Loose”
Admiral Nelix sends the crew to hell... literally.
Episode 10: “Death, Pain, and Lost Data”
If there’s any bugs in the new computer operating system, the Celestial is bound to find them.
Episode 11: “The Search For Spot”
When Admiral Spot gets catnapped, it’s up to our heros to save the day yet again. Funny how life never is as simple as one might think...
Episode 12: “The Bitter Aftertaste of Victory”
Because everything you do in life comes back to bite you in the butt.
Episode 13: “A Christmas Peril”
T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the ship, nothing was working, not one microchip... (Christmas special!)
Episode 14: “Where No One Has Bothered To Go Before”
The crew finally get around to exploring, but the Cardassians show up just in time to ruin everything.
Episode 15: “Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall, Who’s The Dumbest One Of All?”
The crew get pulled into a corny mirror universe episode and end up getting themselves killed.
Episode 16: “Imbroglio”
When the entire crew is taken prisoner by the Breen, it’s up to the three lieutenants to decide who’s in charge of the rescue mission.
Episode 17: “Weekend of Fun”
Bet you were wondering how long it would take me to make a malfunctioning holodeck episode...
Episode 18: “Incompetent Regress”
Righteous becomes dumber than usual and the crew needs to stop it before Starfleet directives prevent them from doing anything else.
Episode 19: “Tripping Over Loose Ends”
The Celestial is sent to finally take down Chester and the zombies.
Episode 20: “What You Forget to Leave Behind”
Some stuff happens and some things get said, but who cares, right?

Season Two

Episode 21: “Interspatial War Games”
The crew come back with an insane plan to save the Federation.
Episode 22: “The Boredom of Things”
It’s a Lord of the Rings rip-off, what can I say?
Episode 23: “Rising Fuel Prices”
On their way back to the Alpha Quadrant, the Celestial runs out of gas...
Episode 24: “Sore Leave”
After getting kicked off their ship for a while, the crew try to find other ways to screw things up.
Episode 25: “The Sky Is Falling, You Idiots!”
Thus proving responding to planetary distress calls is a bad idea...
Episode 26: “Because The Book Says So”
In the land of the barely-sentient, the dumb man is king.
Episode 27: “Side-Effects Include Hallucinations”
The crew get a new ship... or do they???
Episode 28: “Down Time”
Remember that repair station from Enterprise’s “Dead Stop”?
Episode 29: “Resident Idiocy”
Don’t want to spoil it for you, but it involves nanoprobes, viruses, and stupid no-names.
Episode 30: “Dude, Where’s My Starship?”
And the moral of the story is that nothing is ever what it seems. Ever! (aka Worst... synopsis... ever...)
Episode 31: “Rapid Descent, Part I”
A powerful new threat to the entire Alpha Quadrant emerges, and for the first time ever, the crew of the USS Celestial are the only ones who know what’s going on... sort of.
Episode 32: “Rapid Descent, Part II”
The mid-season cliffhanger comes to a close when the Celestial figures out a possible way to save the Alpha Quadrant... So naturally, they test it on Bajor.
Episode 33: “The Fast and the Furry”
If you think long and hard about sort of makes sense to put cats in charge of races... Okay not really, but you try making 33 episodes without running out of ideas every now and then.
Episode 34: “Over the Ion Storm”
One phrase wraps it up quite nicely: “I don’t think we’re in Federation space anymore, Admiral.”
Episode 35: “Improper Tense”
The crew get to see what the future would be like without them around... and you’d be surprised.
Episode 36: “FUBARed”
Ever wonder what would happen if you were to merge Voyager’s “Shattered” with TNG’s “Parallels”?
Episode 37: “Revelations”
And just as it all starts to make sense... you start scratching your head even more than before.
Episode 38: “Degraded”
The Celestial gets a much-needed tune-up, the Ninth Fleet manages to line up in a neat formation, and some other stuff happens which could potentially lead into something else... but I’ll let you figure it all out yourselves.
Episode 39: “Tool of the Prophets, Part I”
The answers to all your questions will be revealed... next episode.
Episode 40: “Tool of the Prophets, Part II”
The Season 2 Finale. All your questions will be answered, leaving you with even more questions, like how it all fitted together even when I wasn’t really planning anything out.

Season Three

The Solaris Chronicles: “More Ways to Skin a Cat, Part I”
The Solaris Chronicles: “More Ways to Skin a Cat, Part II”
The Solaris Chronicles: “More Ways to Skin a Cat, Part III”
In the aftermath of the Second Battle of Bajor, or Star Trek: Celestial Episode 40 (whichever you prefer) the USS Solaris, which was really the only ship still functioning in the Ninth Fleet, was sent to capture Chester, the deranged cat leading the Orion Syndicate.
Episode 41: “Aftermath, During Biology”
Because there seems to be a lack of good villains nowadays...
Episode 42: “Uninvited Guests”
Exploring goes awry yet again and the line between no-name and main character becomes... blurred.
Episode 43: “Whose Console Is It, Anyway?”
Who knew finding replacement officers was so hard?
Episode 44: “Cause and Suspect”
What to do when you meet a more advanced civilization but then scare them off before they give you any technology...
Episode 45: “Broken Lantern”
Only an idiot would try to fight a 200-kilogram metal lizard-man... wait a minute...
Episode 46: “Honour and Incompetence”
The Klingons feel underused so far and try to make up for it in one episode. All sub-plots get shoved aside.
Episode 47: “An Incompetent Truth”
In the interests of boosting Federation civilian morale, Starfleet lets a news team do a documentary on the Ninth Fleet. And when I say “boost morale,” I mean “totally destroy it.”
Episode 48: “The Imperfect Storm, Part I”
A powerful ion storm hits the Sol system, the Celestial is left to baby-sit the Spacedock, and the “Hide-The-Homeworld” commission decides to act.
Episode 49: “The Imperfect Storm, Part II”
With Earth dealing with its own version of Windows Firewall, the Romulans launch a sneak attack, which doesn’t quite go as well as they hoped. Politicians get the blame.
Episode 50: “Double Retardre”
Keep in mind, replicators and transporters use essentially the same technology. Chester gets the last laugh, literally.
Episode 51: “The Cat Came Back (Again)”
Chester throws his extremely well-formulated (ha!) plan for revenge into motion, and Righteous gets to see his idea come to fruition, well, sort of...
Episode 52: “New Year’s Desolations”
Chester ruins New Years Eve, the Celestial does a little skydiving, and Spliff gets a lackey.
Episode 53: “Past Imperfect”
Somewhere, there’s a Starfleet regulation that says all starships must visit late 20th/early 21st century Earth at least once.
Episode 54: “Let Slip the Cats of War”
It’s the return of the radioactive mutant zombie Borg no-names! Un-dead, undefeated, and still unimaginably contrived.
Episode 55: “Trespassers Will Be Shot”
Survivors will be shot again. Admiral Nelix learns that the quality of the product is often inversely related to the cost.
Episode 56: “Quadrant of the Cybernetic Dead”
With the fate of the galaxy hanging in the balance, the crew of the Celestial bring to a conclusion their two-tier assault on the Zomborg collective, by buying time and blowing things up. The Borg learn satisfaction is not guaranteed.
Episode 57: “A Spectrograph of Heresy”
The Celestial gets sent to mediate a dispute between two religious sects on the brink of civil war. You can probably figure out how well that’s bound to go.
Episode 58: “Exponential Entropy”
Plot-holes and pie. What’s not to like? Fleet Admiral Spot learns sometimes it’s important to remember just how large your ship is.
Episode 59: “AI: Artificial Incompetence”
Our acceptance of robots doesn’t go beyond the ones that look like us or like garbage cans.
Episode 60: “Dark Art, Part I”
With the Federation on the brink of a termite infestation, a new group of bad guys emerge to cause everyone more work.

Season Four

Episode 61: “Dark Art, Part II”
The Celestial crew enjoy some quality time with things that want to eat them. The Saratoga leaves the floor waxer on too long.
Episode 62: “Contents Not as Described”
Special delivery for the Milky Way. Shipping and handling is extra. The Tholians tie everything up with import restrictions.
Episode 63: “The Bad Side of Town”
The fleet gets sent out to gather allies. The Celestial, of course, gets to meet the crazy ones.
Episode 64: “Teh Othr Kitteh”
It’s... um... ah... it would probably be best just to read this one without any kind of blurb stuck in the back of your mind.
Episode 65: “C²”
Think BSG’s “Pegasus” and DS9’s “Valiant,” but worse...
Episode 66: “Even More Ways to Skin a Cat”
Solaris gets an episode to themselves. Chester makes a less-than-triumphant return. The Celestial crew ponder some interior decorating.
Episode 67: “The Guardian of Never”
Lieutenant Tener and Ensign Casey get to see what the future would be like with all the main characters dead. That’s right, no-names running the place. The Borg just have to ruin everything.
Episode 68: “Wavefront”
The Celestial runs (literally) into the shockwave from the core explosion. Apparently forgetting their entire history, they then decide to go on a humanitarian mission.
Episode 69: “The Axle of Evil”
Throw together every corny bad guy the series has had, give them a maniacal leader with a weapon capable of destroying everything, add a few plot twists and other such contrivances, and you’ve got the worst evil coalition ever devised!
Episode 70: “Game Over (Insert One Token to Continue)”
The series finale. (Star Trek fans everywhere rejoice; “It’s over!” they exclaim, fighting back tears of joy.)


Having trouble keeping track of who’s who and who did what and on what ship? Well, I certainly am, so I made this. It’s a short biography of each major character and ship in the series. I’ll probably update it eventually. If you don’t like spoilers, don’t read it until you finish Episode 36.