Scene 1 - Bridge of the Celestial. Baque, Center, and Genocide are present. Genocide is playing a harmonica.
Baque - My God, I’m bored. Is anything exciting happening or about to happen?
Center - We just hit a meteoroid the size of a marble...
Baque - Oh fun.
Center - ...But it was redirected harmlessly by the deflector field.
Baque - Figures.
Genocide - (stops playing the music to Star Trek: First Contact) Hey wouldn’t it be cool if someone died?
Baque - Yeah, it would be great.
Center - Err... I don’t like where this is going.
Genocide takes his phaser and shoots the science console, which explodes due to an already existing short-circuit.
Genocide - Bridge to Engineering, send a damage control team up here immediately.
A few seconds later, three yellow-shirts run onto the bridge carrying tool kits.
Bzzzt!!! Bzzzt! Bzzzt!!!
Baque - Hahaha.
Genocide - (snickering) Bridge to sickbay, send a medical team up here on the double.
A few seconds later, three blue-shirts run onto the bridge carrying med kits.
Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzzt!
Baque is now rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off, Genocide is blowing the smoke away from the tip of his phaser, and Center is trying to ignore what’s going on so he doesn’t get in trouble.
Genocide - (laughing) Bridge to environmental service people, cleanup on deck 1.
Three more yellow-shirts run onto the bridge carrying mops and buckets and, well, you know the rest.
Genocide - Haha, gray shift has never been so fun.
Baque - That’s because gray shift has never been fun before.
Genocide - Ooh, let’s call up the captain next!
All of a sudden, the viewscreen flips to channel 8 where a really pissed-off-looking Admiral Nelix is glaring back at the three officers.
Nelix - Good morning, f***kers!
Genocide, Baque, Center - AHHH!
Genocide fumbles his phaser, accidentally sets it on over load, and tosses it into the ready room. Center stands up really fast and smashes his skull on the overhead display console, and Baque hits some buttons and the ship spins sideways whilst at warp and a big crack forms in the side of the hull, sucking out some no-names.
Nelix - What are you asswipes doing!?!
Genocide - Nothing sir! Nothing at all!
Baque - Why are you calling us at this hour!?!?
Nelix - Morons! I’m your new fleet commander! Admiral Spot gave me her old job so she could better take care of the rest of Starfleet.
Center - Man, she really hates you doesn’t she?
Nelix - Yes, yes she does. And because of that, I must try and find a way to make your pathetic lives a living hell. Crap always flows downhill.
Genocide - So to what end do we have the honour of speaking with you today sir?
Nelix - I have a mission for you idiots.
Center - I thought we already had a mission. Isn’t that why we were traveling at warp 7 for no apparent reason?
Baque - We were traveling at warp 7 simply because we had nothing better to do and the folks back on Earth need to believe we actually do important stuff out here.
Center - So is that why our personal and duty logs are all top secret?
Genocide - Umm...
Cut to a scene on Earth, where the Federation President is having a press conference with a lot of reporters.
Reporter #1 - Mr. President, what is Starfleet is doing about the overpopulation crisis inside the Federation?
President - That’s, uhh, classified.
Back to the Celestial.
Nelix - Yes, that’s exactly it right there, Carl.
Center - My name’s Bob.
Nelix - Whatever. Can I trust you guys to pass the information I’m about to send you on to your Captain?
Baque - I’d be more worried about trusting our captain to correctly pass along the information to us.
Nelix - Well, whatever the case, listen very carefully.
Baque puts his feet up on the console, sits back in his chair and shuts his eyes, Genocide starts playing his harmonica again, and Center takes out a notepad and a pencil.
Nelix - I’m sending you all on a two-way trip to Gre’thor.
Baque sits up and falls out of his chair, Genocide swallows his harmonica, and Center accidentally stabs his pencil through the paper and into the console, causing a shower of sparks.
Baque - Did you say, Gre’thor?
Genocide - Klingon hell?
Nelix - That’s right.
Center - Why?!?
Nelix - Because. I just don’t like you.
Center - I’m calling the rest of the senior staff.
Nelix - Go ahead.
A few seconds later the rest of the senior staff file out of the turbolift onto the bridge.
Righteous - So you want us to go to Gre’thor, sir?
Nelix - That’s right. Wait, who told you?
Righteous - The Prophets, who else?
Nelix - Okay, whatever.
Senseless - With all due respect sir, isn’t Gre’thor just a stupid legend?
Tener - And even if it isn’t, there are no Klingons onboard the Celestial. How do we get in?
Nelix - All valid questions. First, let me say I don’t believe for an instant that Gre’thor actually exists, but I really need a Scorpion-class attack fighter so I’m sending you to Gre’thor or wherever dead Remans go to torture the information out of Shinzon.
Puker - Yep, he’s officially lost it.
Nelix - On the contrary, I’m still smarter than all of you. Trust me, if there’s a ship out there that can do this, it’s you guys.
Greaser - That’s what you said to the Borg Buster and they almost got pulverized by the Dominion.
Nelix - Well, you’re already the barge of the brain dead, so I don’t see how you can’t get into Gre’thor. That’s why I choose that one instead of the millions of other hell plains out there. In any case, I’ve always wanted to say and truly mean the following words: GO TO HELL! Nelix out!
Senseless - God damn it.
Opening credits, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Scene 2 - Briefing room. All senior staff are present.
Righteous - Captain’s Log, stardate um... hold on, let me check... calendar, calendar, where is the calendar... ah here it is. Stardate 435191.1. Okay, now where was I...? Oh yeah. Admiral Nelix has ordered us to go to the Klingon hell place thingy or whatever it’s called in order to get the specs for a Reman Scorpion-class attack fighter from the dishonoured soul of Shinzon or something like that. Anyway, we’re currently sitting in the middle of nowhere debating the best way to enter hell and return. However, we’ve run into something called a snag. Computer, end log. What’s a snag?
Senseless - Are you quite done with recording your Captain’s log, personal log, Vedek log, and wooden log, sir?
Righteous - I think I’m forgetting one of my logs but I’ll save that one for later.
Greaser - Thank God. Now, I’ve told you all that it is physically impossible to take the ship into Gre’thor. It just can’t be done.
Righteous - Well that should be no problem. We’re not going to Gre’thor after all.
Genocide - Gee, I wonder what plan he has for finding a way into Gre’thor without actually getting into Gre’thor.
Righteous - After much thought–
Baque - That’s a first–
Righteous - –I’ve come to the conclusion that we should be focussing on getting into Human hell rather than Klingon hell.
Senseless - Admiral Nelix didn’t seem to think so.
Puker - Admiral Nelix wants us dead, remember?
Righteous - Anywho, that’s where we’re going.
Bios - Makes a bit more sense. After all, Shinzon was Human. That still leaves us with the question of how we’re going to get into hell in the first place.
Center - Maybe one of us should have a near-death experience.
Baque - Great idea, and I nominate my good friend Bob here to be that one of us.
Senseless - Now, I don’t like being the negative one all the time, but aside from the captain here, none of us is that religious. Who actually knows anything about hell?
The crew sit around with dumbfounded looks on their faces.
Righteous - I say we ask the Prophets what to do.
Baque - I say we just sit around, twiddle our thumbs, and declare a mission failure.
Bios - Actually, I’ve been thinking... Take a look at this simulation.
As she touches a button on the wall monitor, it blows out, along with the lights. The yellow alert lights activate as backups.
Bios - Ooooooookay. Maybe I’ll just tell you. I’ve been thinking about inter-dimensional travel. Voyager was able to enter fluidic space using a modified deflector pulse. If they can travel into a place where there is more matter than space, why can’t we travel to a place that only exists in the minds of the weirdoes on Alpha Centauri?
Genocide - Fluidic space actually exists, though. We’re not even sure hell does.
Bios - There’s only one way to find out. First, we need to find a really bad person and kill him, then keep a sensor lock on his soul and watch where it goes. Once we get the correct quantum frequency, we can simply adjust the deflector, batten down the hatches, and sail right into the netherworld.
Righteous - ...And the Prophets said, “Let there be technobabble, so that our children can easily explain their way into or out of anything...”
Senseless - Actually it sounds pretty good. We can probably find some sicko at the Federation Maximum security prison on Io.
Tener - Yes, let’s all go to Io. I’ve always wanted to see the fiery depths of a volcanic moon.
Greaser - Really? So have I!
Stoner - I believe the Lieutenant was being sarcastic, commander.
Greaser - Oh... Well, I still want to see them. I hear it’s a lot like Bolias.
Righteous - Good. Everyone’s happy. Dismissed.
Scene 3 - The Celestial sits in space.
Righteous - Captain’s log, supplemental. We have arrived in the Sol system, and are currently trying our hardest to stay out of range of the Jupiter Station sensor net. We will be in orbit of Io in a few minutes and have received confirmation to transport aboard one of the inmates in the maximum security prison there.
A huge hand comes out of nowhere and grabs the Celestial.
Righteous - Vroooom! Vroooooom! Whoosh!
The crew sit watching Righteous as he flies his anti-gravity equipped 10-inch model of the USS Celestial away from the window and around the briefing room, their faces set in a mixture of fear and confusion.
Righteous - Vrooom! Vrooom! Crash! Starship down! Starship down! Don’t worry! The Prophets will save us! Bweee boo bweee boo bweee boo! Hooray!
Baque - My God, he’s really stupid today.
As Righteous plays with his die-cast Celestial and plastic wormhole model, the holo-communicator activates in the room and Admiral Nelix appears standing on the table.
Nelix - What the f**** are you doing?!?
Righteous - Gah! Pah-Wraith!
Righteous throws his toys against the wall, where they explode in a small ball of fire.
Senseless - Hi sir.
Nelix - Ah yes. So, status report.
Righteous - Well, the Prophets managed to save the Celestial from certain destruction–
Nelix - Commander?
Senseless - We’re planning to execute a mass murderer and track where his soul goes. Hey, are we even allowed to perform summary executions aboard a Federation starship?
Nelix - Don’t worry, it’s easy enough to omit that little tidbit from the logs. So, when will you be able to get my design specifications?
Bios - As soon as I can get the phase variance of the hell plain.
Nelix - Good. Now, get out of my office!
Senseless - Yes sir. Ensign Center, turn off the holo-communicator.
Nelix - That’s not what I meant, asswipes.
Admiral Nelix vanishes and they crew look out the window, where they see the broken cross section of a Jupiter Station bulkhead against the window.
Tener - Something tells me we shouldn’t have left those no-names in charge of the bridge.
Scene 4 - The Celestial is now orbiting Io, after leaving a nice Opaka-class-shaped hole in the hull of Jupiter Station. Scene is in sickbay. Puker, Stoner, Bios, Genocide, Senseless, and Righteous are crowding around a no-name lying on a biobed.
No-Name #1 - Wha– What’s going on?
Puker - I’m afraid we have to execute you.
No-Name #1 - What?!?
Puker - It’s for a greater good of our salaries.
No-Name #1 - Go to hell!
Bios - We plan to, we just need to get the frequency of the inter-dimensional portal that takes evil souls to the afterlife.
No-Name #1 looks at her in a mixture of confusion and annoyance, mouthing the word “what?”
Puker - Well, let’s get this done with. Nurse, go sterilise the hypospray and fill it with potassium chloride.
No-Name #1 - Don’t I get a last meal?
Puker - Nah, that just makes it messier when I do the autopsy.
No-Name #1 - What about a few final words?
Bios - Okay.
No-Name #1 - OOOOOOooooooooohh!!!! This is the song that never endssss! Yes it goes on and on my friend! Somebody, started singing it not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never endsssss! Yes it goes on and –
Genocide - F*** this!
Genocide takes out his phaser and shoots No-Name #1 in the head. At the same instant, Bios opens her tricorder and begins scanning.
Bios - Got it! A quantity of EM radiation went through a small fissure in subspace. I’ve got the exact frequency.
Senseless - Good. Get this data to the bridge and begin reconfiguring the main deflector.
Righteous (as him, Senseless, Genocide, and Bios leave the room) - Man, deflector dishes really are useful, aren’t they? I mean, they can prevent hull breaches, make portals, and um... do other stuff too...
Center - Bridge to Captain Righteous! You have to stop the execution!
Righteous - Why?
Center - The prison just called! They sent us the wrong person! The guy they sent was the Vega Colony council member!!!
Genocide - Oh well.
Bios - Damn! I suppose that means we got the wrong fissure frequency.
Senseless - I wouldn’t worry too much about that, Lieutenant. After all, he was a politician.
Bios - Good point, sir.
They all enter the turbolift.
Righteous - Top floor, please.
Scene 5 - Bridge. Righteous, Senseless, Bios, Genocide, Center, Baque, Tener, and Greaser are present.
Baque - Why are you two here?
Greaser - I haven’t gotten more than ten words in this episode yet!
Tener - You idiots keep forgetting about me so I have to make sure I’m included in most of the scenes!
Bios - Sir, I’m ready to initiate the deflector pulse. We’ll have only a few seconds to enter it.
Senseless - It’s unstable?
Righteous - Prophet-controlled holes in space aren’t...
Bios - No, but I’m just too impatient to wait any longer.
Baque - Me too, hurry up and turn the damn thing on.
Senseless - By all means, lieutenant, turn the damn thing on.
Bios - Okay sir, turning the damn thing on.
A beam of light flies out of the Celestial’s deflector dish and begins to open a portal.
Center - Tachyon concentrations nearing 50 ppm. Chroniton levels remaining stable.
Bios - Deflector beam is holding. Feedback minor.
Genocide - Shields at 99% and holding.
Center - Tachyon concentrations approaching 100 ppm. Portal opening directly in front of us.
Righteous - Then with due haste, Lieutenant, take us into hell.
Baque - Right. Full impulse.
As the Celestial moves toward the swirling pool of light, a temporal portal opens and Binky the Mistreated Ex-Borg Targ comes out and crashes into the hull of the ship. The USS Celestial enters the portal and...
...And comes out the other side, where it immediately falls like a rock into a red ocean. On the bridge the crew pick themselves off the floor.
Senseless - Report! Why did we get thrown to the floor?
Center - According to these readings, we’re on some kind of Ringworld. I’m detecting an oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere out there.
Baque - What’s this crap we’re in?
Center - Some kind of organic liquid.
Righteous - Oh boy! Fresh air! Everyone outside! Puker and Stoner report to the top of the ship.
Puker - Err... You mean the bridge.
Righteous - Nope, this time I mean the very top of the ship.
Baque - Idiot! How am I supposed to pilot the ship if we’re out on the hull!
Bios - Try the manual steering column.
Baque - That’s only available with the registered version of CelestOS, and Starfleet Command was too cheap to pay for it.
Bios - Don’t worry, I was able to hack the program. We now have access to the entire version of the operating system.
The bridge crew look toward Bios’ station, where a console looks like someone took a machete to it.
Baque - Oh good. Computer, activate the manual steering column.
A joystick pops up on top of the helm console. Baque rips it out of the control panel and follows the rest of the senior staff to the ready room, then into the corridor behind the bridge, then up a ladder, through an airlock, and onto the top of the ship. The Celestial is half immersed in a sea of red and other hatches along the stardrive section are opening and No-Names are coming out.
Righteous - You there, with the face! Start up the outboard motor.
The no-name gives a salute and taps his commbadge. A few words brings the outboard propulsion systems online. The nacelle pylons move down just like on Intrepid-class ships, and half submerge the nacelles in the water. On the front of each a giant propellor forms from the bussard collectors, and liquid starts getting sucked in and blown out the back of the nacelles. The ship starts to move.
Center - Wow, we’re sailing through a sea of liquid blood.
Tener - I don’t think blood can be anything but a liquid, Ensign.
Center points upward and Tener looks up at the sky.
Tener - Blood... clouds?
Baque - LAND HO!
Righteous - That’s highly inappropriate, Lieutenant.
Baque - No you moron! I mean there’s land nearby.
Bios, who has her tricorder tied in with the ship’s sensors, takes a reading.
Bios - Looks like a port of some kind. Lots of weird sea ships docked.
Then, a loud voice booms out from a light house in the middle of the harbour.
Voice - Attention, attention: All death barges please use Exit 4a. Exit 3 is currently under construction and will be closed for another three-tenths of an eternity. Have a nice day.
Greaser - Maybe we should ask for directions or something.
Senseless - Where are we going to find directions here?
Then, a large sign comes into view. It says: “Welcome to the Underworld. Visit our tourist bureau and enjoy your stay.”
Baque - Well, who didn’t see that coming a mile away?
Righteous - Take us over there.
Bios - No need. I’ve accessed the Eteranet and have downloaded a map. And only for a modest fee of £9.95 a month. What a steal!
Senseless - Where does the map say we should go?
Bios - bearing 458 mark 2. We pass two more ports and then we’re in Human hell.
Stoner - Correct me if I’m illogical, but aren’t there supposed to be weird things in the water that lure in unweary souls?
Voices - FREE HEALTHCARE!! COME AND GET IT!!!
Righteous - Don’t even think of falling for this blight-like foolery. After all, we’re smarter than that.
Voices - DINNER WITH THE PROPHETS! FREE DINNER WITH THE PROPHETS!!!
The crew think quick and manage to stop Righteous before he slides down the hull.
Righteous - Hey guys! Knock it off!
Senseless - This is gonna be one loooooooong voyage.
Scene 6 - Almost 80 metres from where the senior staff have positioned themselves on top of deck 1, Binky the Mistreated Targ sits on top of a giant “E” (part of USS CELESTIAL), temporarily blinded by the giant flood light attached to the leading edge of deck 2.
Binky - Urgg...
As he watches, several no-names pop open a hatch that leads from deck 4 and climb onto the hull.
Voices - NAMES!! GET YOUR NAMES!! GET EM WHILE THEY’RE HOT!
No-Name #2 - Oh boy, how can I lose!?!
The three crewmen jump and slide quickly down the hull, but slam into the main phaser strip halfway down and kill themselves (which is just much more funny than watching them get devoured by sea creatures).
Scene 7 - The Celestial trogs through the blood. On the top, Dr. Puker is living up to his name and the rest of the crew are feeling pretty queasy too, all except Righteous who is having a ball.
Righteous - Wow, a Ringworld! It’s like some kind of ring structure surrounding a white dwarf or something!
Greaser - Gee thanks for pointing that out to us. It’s not like anyone didn’t care or anything.
Center - Hey what’s that thing getting really close to us?
Then the Celestial smashes into and runs over a Klingon Barge of the Dead.
Genocide - Lieutenant, are you sure you have a pilot’s license?
Baque - Are you sure you have a firearm license?
Genocide - Point taken. Never mind.
Bios - Okay, hard to starboard. Take us into that port there.
The ship veers right and enters a harbour. From a distance, it looks like what everyone expects hell to look like, with fire and brimstone and darkness. However, as they get closer, the fog clears and they see a big resort with Olympic-like flames on either side of large decorated doors. Several tug boats come out and guide the ship into port.
Senseless - Well, someone definitely got something wrong in the Bible.
Tener - I still recommend we take the necessary security precautions.
Center - Most people here are already dead. Why would they worry about killing more people?
Tener - Simply because nothing ever goes our way.
Righteous - Okay well, I’m not as impressed as you guys are, so I’m going to sit this one out. Commander, take Genocide, Tener, and Dr. Puker and find that weird clone guy or whatever he is.
Senseless - Okay. Alright, we need some no-names for good measure. We’ll meet on the dock in ten minutes. Let’s go.
Scene 8 - 10 minutes and 12 seconds later. Seneless, Tener, Puker, and two yellow shirts are standing on the dock next to the strangely bent Federation airlock.
Senseless - Late as usual.
Tener - Should I go find him sir?
Clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk!
The next thing the crew knows, a K1A1 tank comes rolling up to them on its treads.
Senseless - I don’t even need to ask where this thing came from, but please tell me anyway, Lieutenant-Commander.
The hatch at the top opens and Genocide pops his head out.
Genocide - Our ship has 6 cargo bays of various sizes. We have 5 shuttlecraft in a bay that can hold 15. Our crew count is 730 but we can comfortably hold over 900. If there’s enough room to hold all of the captain’s religious junk, I can have a tank!
Tener - Satan is going to flip when he sees this... laughing that is.
Genocide - Oh don’t worry, it’s been massively upgraded from that one they used in the 20th century. Hop in.
Just to humour him, Tener climbs up the ladder on the side and looks down through the hatch.
Tener - Holy bovine feces!
With that he jumps down into the ancient war vehicle. Curiously, Puker, Senseless, and the no-name’s follow him in. Inside...
Senseless - What... the... crap?
There are plush chairs, a coffee machine, a vending machine, air conditioning, a subspace radio, head room, and side impact airbags next to every chair.
Genocide - Passive shielding, ablative armour, Type 4 pulse phaser cannon, alternate micro-torpedo launcher, and enough torque to drive this thing through the gates of hell and back.
Senseless - This thing could actually come in handy. Good work, Commander.
Genocide - Thank you sir. I always knew my obsession with weapons of mass destruction would get me somewhere other than jail someday.
He jumps in the driver’s seat, puts in a data disc with The Matrix chase music on it, and shifts the tank into high gear.
Genocide (grinning) - Show time...
Scene 9 - Just inside the gates of hell, everyone is standing around in the resort sipping drinks and chatting about the sports. Caribbean music is playing in the background.
Long Dead Snooty British Guy - So I said to the chap, “I say, young lad, that is no way to be building a kingdom, selling drugs that is.”
Other Long Dead Snooty British Guy - Jolly well done, I do say.
The Caribbean music is overrun by some techno/rock mixture as the Starfleet-gray tank comes crashing though the gate and rolls onto the patio.
Long Dead Snooty British Guy - Well this bloody well sucks.
He says right before he is run over and crushed by the left tread of the K1A1 Republic of Korea armoured vehicle. Inside...
Senseless - Watch where you’re going will ya?
Genocide - Sorry sir, I’m just having too much fun!
He hits the fire button and the tank opens up with a micro-torpedo right into the top of the water slide, vaporising it and setting the place in flames.
Genocide - Good, this is more like what hell should be like!
Tener - That should eliminate any resistance. Let’s go on foot now.
The two no-names in the back fearfully look at each other then back to their Commander.
No-Name #3 - Um, we’ll stay here and guard the tank.
Genocide - Good idea, I spent a fortune of my non-existent Federation currency on this baby.
The four officers get out and look around at the destruction and dead bodies.
Puker - I wonder where you go if you die in hell?
Scene jumps to downtown New York, early 21st century. A whole bunch of people just appear out of nowhere in the middle of the sidewalk.
Newly Reborn Hell Resident - AH, GOD DAMN IT!
Scene jumps back to hell.
Puker - I’m picking up billions of Human life signs all over the place so it’s impossible to figure out which one is Shinzon.
Senseless - Let’s try the main office. They might have records of everyone who comes and goes.
They start walking toward a singed building. All of a sudden Senseless stops dead in his tracks.
Tener - What is it sir?
Senseless - It just occurred to me how stupid this plot-line is getting...
Scene 10 - Devil’s office. Satan is sitting behind a desk reading some papers.
Saten - Man, it’s going to take an eternity to pay off this loan from Heaven... never should have installed the Jacuzzi...
All of a sudden Genocide and Tener break down the door.
Tener - ALL RIGHT, WHERE’S SHINZON!!!???!!!
Satan - AH! COMMANDOS!
Genocide - Shinzon! Where is he!
Satan - Who?
Genocide - Shinzon. You know, arrogant, over confident, psychopathic killer guy... kinda looks like Picard.
Satan - Oh you mean that Shinzon. It’s so hard to keep track of people when there’s over a trillion of them. He’s over there in the accounting department.
Tener - Oh. Okay, thanks. Tener to Senseless.
Senseless - Senseless here.
Tener - Yep, he’s in the accounting department. You were right.
Senseless - You owe me two hours holodeck privileges, then.
Genocide - Excuse us.
The two officers turn around and start to leave. Then Genocide stops.
Genocide - Oh, and one more thing.
Genocide pulls out a fully automatic AK-47 and fires about fifty rounds into the devil’s chest, who doesn’t even flinch.
Satan - If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been shot with a fully automatic weapon... well, let’s just say I wouldn’t be working here.
Genocide - Crap... I always wanted to torture the devil.
Satan - Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Georgia to steal a soul to pay for this loan.
Tener - Wait, I’ve heard this song–
Satan - Well, don’t ruin if for me then.
With that he disappears in a cheap “poof.”
Tener - Let’s go!
Scene 11 - A shuttlecraft. Bios, Greaser, and Baque are flying around the bottom of the ringworld that the hell plain sits on.
Baque - How come every time I get in a shuttle there’s always someone who outranks me in it too?
Greaser - Really? I hadn’t noticed that till you just pointed it out to me.
Bios - Hey, what’s that over there? Almost looks like a crack in the surface of the ring.
Baque flies the shuttle closer to the underside of the ring and sure enough there’s a big crack forming.
Greaser - How did that get there?
Baque - I don’t even need to ask this question, but isn’t that awfully close to where the Celestial dropped out of the subspace portal?
Bios - Actually, it’s exactly where we fell. Looks like we hit so hard we put a crack in the floor of the ring.
Greaser - Well, hopefully it won’t get any worse.
As they watch, the crack expands in length by about a metre and a half.
Greaser - Why does everything hate me?
Bios - At the current rate of expansion, I predict the crack will span the entire width of the ringworld in approximately... 15 MINUTES?!!?!??!??!????
Greaser - Get us back to the ship! now!
Baque - Well you don’t need to be pushy–
Greaser shoves Baque out of the way and sits at the helm.
Greaser - HOW DO YOU WORK THIS F***ING THING???
Baque shoves her out of the way and sits back in the driver’s seat.
Baque - Jesus Christ...
Scene 12 - Senseless, Puker, Tener, and Genocide enter the Accounting Room and see Shinzon behind a desk.
Shinzon - What the...?
Senseless - I’m Commander Jack Senseless of the USS Celestial. We just need some information.
Shinzon - I... YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!
Tener - But you’re already dead.
Shinzon - Oh yeah, well... I’d still be out there kicking your asses right now if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their dumb starship.
Puker gets up behind him and attempts to inject him with a hypospray.
Shinzon - No! No more shots. All I hear is “Time for the procedure” this, and “It is accelerating” that... I’m sick of it.
Genocide - Look, all we want are the plans to the Scorpion-class attack fighter so we can give them to Admiral Nelix and not get fired from the only job that would hire us.
Shinzon - Oh, why didn’t you say so in the first place?
He opens a drawer and takes out a Romulan PADD.
Shinzon - Here. I’ve thrown in the plans to the Scimitar as an added bonus. Enjoy.
Puker - Wow you sure are nicer now than you were in Star Trek: Nemesis.
Shinzon - Yeah, well, having your cellular structure break down around you kinda ruins your mood.
Puker - Oh, about that. I guess now’s as good of a time as any to tell you this. Turns out there was a really easy way to cure your condition.
Shinzon - You mean besides draining Picard of his blood?
Puker - All you needed was a blood sample. Then it was a simple matter of cloning the right amount of it and injecting it into your body.
Shinzon - Ah, son of a bitch!
Puker - Once again proving Dr. Crusher is as stupid as a targ.
Shinzon - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!
The ground starts shaking.
Center - Celestial to away team!
Senseless - Senseless here. Go ahead.
Center - The ringworld is coming apart! Get out of there! NOW!
Senseless - Gotcha, Senseless out. Let’s go guys.
They all run out of the room leaving Shinzon to bang his head against the wall for a while. As they exit the building, they see that lava is pouring out of everywhere and the place is on fire.
Genocide - My tank! Where did those idiots put it?
Tener - Over there, by the bar.
They all climb into the tank and shove the two no-names out into the lava-filled pool simply because they have lived too long.
Genocide - Hold on this is going to be bumpy.
The tank’s turret spins around and widens into a rocket engine. The treads retract and wheels extend. More Matrix-like chase music starts playing. Genocide drives the armoured vehicle right through a wall and out onto a ledge, just off of which the Celestial is hovering, facing away from them.
Tener - Evil Kinevel time?
Genocide - I was thinking more of The Dukes of Hazzard, but okay.
He drives the tank as fast as it can go and flies it off the edge of the cliff. Time slows down and a funny honking noise is heard amid screams from the no-names who are working in the shuttlebay, which is in the line of fire.
Honk honk honk honky hank hank henk honk!
Unfortunately, the hull plating on the landing pad wasn’t designed to take the impact of a ten-tonne tank moving at 200 km/h. The tank slams through the floor and wedges into the deck below.
Senseless - Just get us transported out. Please.
Scene 13 - Bridge. Genocide, Senseless, and Bios enter from the turbolift.
Senseless - What are you waiting for, get us out of here!
Baque - I can’t!
Righteous - What do you mean, you can’t?
Baque - The antigravity thrusters were designed to work against gravity. This ringworld doesn’t have gravity, just centrifugal force creating the illusion of gravity. I’m actually having one hell of a time just keeping us at this level using the impulse engines.
Senseless - You mean to tell me that a starship that can travel at a quarter the speed of light can’t lift off away from some centrifugal force?
Baque - Yeah... kinda stupid, but it serves its purpose.
Senseless - Then what can we do?
Center - The ringworld uses antimatter reactors for power, and they’re about to be pulled apart. I don’t need to tell you what will happen if they breach while we’re so close.
Righteous - Could you tell me anyway?
Senseless - Okay... we can’t go up, we’ll just have to go down. Mr. Baque, turn the ship so it’s pointing straight toward the crack in the floor and get ready to engage at full forward thrust.
Baque - Yeah sounds okay, I guess...
As the ship changes pitch, Binky wakes up from his short slumber and senses he is falling down the length of the outer hull.
Binky - WHEE!!!
Bios - Total structural failure in ten seconds. Get ready, Lieutenant.
Baque - Ready to floor it.
Bios - 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... NOW!
As the massive ten-mile-wide and 10-million-mile-diameter ring breaks apart, the Celestial flies at full impulse through the crack, which widened for an instant, but is now coming back together.
Bios - We’re not going to make it!
Baque - Not on my watch!
Bios - Lieutenant, unless you can change the laws of physics, we aren’t going to make it before we get crushed.
Baque - Really? Oh, my watch stopped. Heh, who would have thunk it.
Outside on the hull, Binky the Mistreated Targ, who was about to fall off the bow, is now being thrown back along the ship toward the aft at about half the speed of light.
Binky - WHEE!! WHEE!!!
Smack! (Open airlock cover) Smack (messhall windows) Smack! (top of the bridge) Smack! (Subspace antenna). As he flies along the stardrive section, hull plates being blown off around him by the crushing force of the broken ring, he for once in his life hopes to God that a temporal portal opens very, very soon. However, no one seems to be listening and he finally hits Genocide’s tank, which is still sticking out of the back of the ship. Binky latches on to the turret and holds on for dear mistreated life. Then, a large hull plate hits the tank, knocking it loose and sending Binky flying off into space... Where he is quickly eaten up by a temporal portal.
Meanwhile, on the Bridge, the crew are holding on to railings and consoles as wind gushes around them.
Center - Hull breaches on decks 1, 7, and 20!
Baque - Almost there!
Bios - We can’t make it! Diverting power to the main deflector!
Rightoeus (praying) - Our Prophets, who art in Wormhole...
Senseless - Open a portal! Now!
Beep! Flash! BOOM! The camera goes to the outside of the ringworld, just in time to see it explode, killing quintillions of dead people... (Wow, that made no sense at all...)
Scene 14 - Jupiter Station. Admiral Nelix is sitting in his office talking to Captain Farfetched of the USS Saratoga over the comm.
Nelix - Well, on the bright side, even though we lost one of our most powerful warships, we managed to get rid of Righteous and his half-witted crew in the process.
Farfetched - Yeah, they were all a bunch of jackasses anyway.
Nelix - Well, for helping me cover our tracks, I’ll give you and your crew a third of the latinum Chester gave us.
Farfetched - He’ll sure be happy we destroyed his arch-rivals.
Nelix - We still have Fleet Admiral Spot to take care of, but that shouldn’t be a problem. I think she’s starting to trust me so it’ll be a cinch eliminate her. With the Celestial out of the way, there’s no one left to stop the Orion Syndicate from ruling the galaxy!
Farfetched - Um... what?
Nelix - You heard me, Captain. I’m working for the Syndicate now.
Farfetched - You jackass, you said destroying the Celestial was for the greater good of the Federation, not for the Orion Syndicate! I refuse to have any part in this! You’ll have to talk to my lawyer.
Nelix - I could do that, or you could join me and I’ll decide not to activate the Saratoga’s self destruct system.
Farfetched - Grrr... FINE! But I want the safety of my ship and crew guaranteed in writing, with a thirty day money back policy!
Nelix - Fine. Nelix out.
He starts to dial the number for Chester when all of a sudden a blinding flash comes out of nowhere and the USS Celestial, heavily damaged, along with a tonne of rock and debris, appears right out Nelix’s window.
Nelix - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!