Episode 13: “A Christmas Peril”

Written by Swordtail

Published December 3, 2005

“The Night Before Christmas” has been spoofed many times by Star Trek fans. I gave it a try a while ago with an Enterprise parody I was working on, but it never panned out. Getting an active storyline worked into nothing but a rhyme is very difficult and I commend those who did it wonderfully. I decided to stick with my preferred format of writing and just put the stanzas at the beginning to either narrate or outline what’s happening in the scene. That and I can’t find a way to fill 20 pages with rhyming nonsense... yeah.

Twas the stardate before Christmas, and up on the bridge,
No one was working; they were raiding the fridge.

Scene 1 - Bridge. Baque and Center are at their stations. Genocide is looking through the minifridge at the back of the bridge.

Genocide - Okay, we’ve got some eggnog, leftover pumpkin pie, wormhole-shaped Christmas cookies... right, some turkey, some weird green stuff I can’t identify... what’ll it be?

Baque - I’ll have the cookies.

Center - I really think we should ask before we start eating stuff.

Genocide - Okay, we know where you stand. But, seeing as we all outrank you, you don’t have a choice in the matter. You’re having the green stuff.

Center - Guys, it’s just jelly salad.

Genocide - Way to poo-poo that practical joke...

Lights were a-strung ‘round the warp core by some jerk,
But one had gone out so the whole string wouldn’t work.

Scene 2 - Main engineering. Greaser and her no-name engineering crew are examining each and every bulb in the long string carefully, using tricorders, magneton scanners, hypo-spanners, and various other instruments.

Greaser - It’s like this every year. Nothing on this ship works right! Nothing!

A no-name is examining one of the sockets by prodding it with a metal stick.

Greaser - Ah, here’s the problem! We forgot to plug it back in!

She reaches over and reroutes the necessary power from the plasma conduits to the Christmas lights.

BXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....Sizzle...

The no-names were nestled all snug in their beds,
While terror and nightmares flew through their heads.

Scene 3 - Camera is on some no-name who is white faced and obviously scared sh*tless. A dark shadow is sitting in the far corner of the room.

Shadow - Mr. Anderson... Surprised to see me?

(Hey, I needed something in this scene!)

And Righteous in his P.J’s, with “Go Prophets!” on the back,
Had just settled down for an off-duty nap.

Scene 4 - Righteous’s quarters. His commbadge is making sounds.

Genocide (faintly) - He’s asleep! Quick, get out Dawn of the Dead!

Baque (also faintly) - Alright! Hold on! I can’t find it.

Center (still faintly) - I have it and you’re not getting it... sir.

Genocide - Come on, it’s just a little fun!

Center - No, it’s against every rule in the book.

Baque - Oh yeah well, what’s that over there?

Center - Where?

Genocide - HA!

Center - Give that back!

Genocide - No I don’t think I will, Ensign!

Baque - Go swab the deck or something and make yourself useful.

Center - Someday I’ll outrank you, but until then, I’ll just have to keep the Captain’s best interests in mind!

Swoosh!

Baque - What the?

Genocide - Hey give me that! It’s mine!

Center - No, sir!

Punch! Kick! Bite, Scream

Baque - OW! F**K!

Center - Screw you, sir!

Genocide - That’s it! Phaser time!

Pzzzzt! Pzzzzt! BOOM!

Righteous wakes up and looks toward his commbadge.

Righteous - Sheesh, Santa Prophet sure makes a lot of noise.

He hits his commbadge, deactivating it, and goes back to sleep.

When down in Sickbay there arose such a clatter!
The Doctor sprang from his office to see what was the matter!

Scene 5 - Sickbay. A drunk Lieutenant Tener stumbles in being led by Lieutenant Bios. The two make their way over to Ensign Blavik who is running a diagnostic on one of the biobeds, which has a decomposing no-name still in it.

Blavik - Is there a problem?

Bios - I think someone spiked his eggnog.

Tener - What? I hate that stupid Ferengi! Nearly got me killed! Stupid son of a moo-cow!

Crash! Tener falls into the medical tray, knocking it over and making a loud clatter. Dr. Puker enters from his office to see what is the matter.

Puker - What the heck? Oh wait, don’t tell me: You have another splinter.

Tener - I’ll show you a splinter!

Puker - Well, I can’t remove it unless you show it to me, now, can I?

Bios - Doctor, he’s piss drunk!

Puker - That party was three hours ago! What is he still doing drinking!

Tener - ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI! ALL SMOTHERED IN CHEESE!!! I LOST MY MITTENS!!! WHEN SOMEBODY EXPLODED!!!

Bios - That was one of the parties. There’s dozens all over the ship.

Blavik - Definitely intoxication. I will go get some cold water.

Puker - Nope, the only thing that will save him is a triple coronary bypass involving at least three lung transplants.

Bios - Yeah, I’ll just go then...

Puker - Not so fast! Whatever disease Mr. Tener here has might be highly contagious. I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you from infecting the entire crew.

Bios - It’s alcohol doc, nothing more.

She leaves and sees several no-names stumbling down the hall, making a ton of noise and vomiting all over the carpet.

Bios - Hmmm... Maybe I should be quarantined...

She leans up against an open plasma conduit, causing it to explode further down the hall, killing the no-names.

Bios - Oops...

Out through the windows the black of space clashed
With the gray-hulled Celestial as it flew boldly past.

Scene 6 - Camera is out in space, showing the ship careen past spinning end over end and venting plasma from the port nacelle. Camera goes to the bridge. Consoles are on fire, the lights are out, beams have fallen from the ceiling, and smoke fills the air. In the middle of it all is Baque holding a bloody spot on his head, Center holding a PADD, and Genocide holding a phaser.

Center - Smooth move, exlax.

Throughout the Federation carols were sung,
Trees were set up and the shopping was (finally) done.

Scene 7 - Camera is on Earth, in San Francisco. A very stressed-looking Admiral Spot is walking down a street in the snow (If I want it to snow in California, it shall snow!). Everywhere kids with nothing better to do are singing the latest catchy tunes such as “Haul the Decks,” “We Wish you a Merry December-Based-Religious-Holiday,” “Frosty the Eunuch,” “Santa Claus is coming to a System Near You,” and the all-time favourite, “Grandma got run over by a Galaxy-class Starship.” Spot quickly ducks into a building which is labelled “Hotel,” in several different Federation languages. She walks up to the counter.

Spot - I need a place to stay and please don’t tell me this place is closed too.

Receptionist - I’m sorry, we’re full. The party this year seems to be bigger than most years. And besides, we don’t allow pets to be in the hotel.

Spot - You calling me a pet? I may be a cat, but I’m no one’s pet... anymore. Hell, even when I was, I still had to run most of Data’s life for him. Idiot couldn’t even make the bed without guidance!

Receptionist - I’m sorry, but all animals are considered pets.

Spot - Do know who you’re talking to here? I’m Admiral Spot, head of Starfleet! Don’t call me a pet!

Receptionist - I wouldn’t care if you were the son of God, the rules are clear!

Spot - It’s minus fricking 10 out there! Don’t you at least have some tree in the lobby I can sleep in?

Receptionist - Well, we do have a stable out back...

Spot - I’ll take it.

Admiral Spot leaves the hotel and walks around back. She enters the stable and lays down in the manger next to a very confused donkey.

Spot - Hey! This manger has a wide screen TV! Cool!

(Don’t expect this spoof to go any further than it has.)

When what to her tired eyes does appear?
But more Christmas specials, and a documentary on Reindeer.

Scene 8 - Camera is out in space above Earth.

Spot - DAMN YOU CAPIES! DAMN YOU MEDIA HEADS! AND DAMN YOU RELIGION!!

Back in Engineering the death came on quick.
If you weren’t used to it now it might make you sick.

The core was now broken, ‘cause the crew had played games,
Greaser yelled and she bit**ed and she called them bad names:

“You stupid, pathetic,
dumb worthless old rats!
I’ve seen less sh*t
In a cave full of bats!
Restart the warp core
Before power falls!
Now get to work, get to work,
Get to work all!

Pretty self-explanatory, I won’t go into the details, but basically the warp core did get fixed... fast.

As space dust before a wild ion storm fly,
The ship met with an obstacle and the causalities were high.

Scene 9 - Bridge. The three officers pick themselves up after they were thrown to the floor.

Baque - What the hell did we hit?

Center - An asteroid. Tore out a chunk of the starboard forward section.

Genocide - Okay, so what do we blame this one on?

They stand up and look around, casually, whistling. A shower of sparks erupts from one of the ceiling lights.

So up to deck one the Commander did shoot.
With a tired complexion and some anger to boot.

Scene 10 - Senseless enters the bridge and sees the three other officers standing in a line smiling at him.

Senseless - Do I dare ask?

Genocide - Don’t worry sir, the asteroid hit only nonessential systems and only killed 12 crew members. Not as bad as some other times.

Senseless - GAH! Can’t I get a decent night’s sleep on the one day of the year that we don’t need to work the next day?!?!?

Genocide - We don’t have to work tomorrow?

Baque - Well, what the hell are we doing here then?

The two officers walk past him and enter the turbolift.

Genocide - Mess hall.

The doors close and the turbolift drops like a rock.

Scene 11 - Earth, San Francisco, only a few kilometres away from where Admiral Spot is spending the night watching Christmas specials, Admiral Nelix is sitting in his SFC office. Captain Farfetched walks in.

Farfetched - Sir, seeing as tomorrow’s Christmas, do you think I can get off work a little early tonight?

Nelix - Are you crazy? It’s only 20:00! NO! You may not get off work this early.

Farfetched - But sir, I have a ship and crew and they’re all hoping to see me at our Christmas party in an hour!

Nelix - How ‘bout this: You can leave now, if you promise to deliver a certain package to a certain planet for a certain someone who is more powerful than you and I combined and who will one day take over the Federation.

Farfetched - (gulp!) Um... Okay, sir...

Nelix - Good, now GET OUT OF HERE!

Farfetched runs out of the room, cursing the day he entered the Ninth Fleet. Nelix sits back in his chair.

Nelix - Christmas... load of crap... Bah!

He closes his eyes for a moment but then opens them as a gush of wind hits him.

Nelix - Who opened the god damned window?

All of a sudden a blinding white light fills the room. When it fades, Nelix looks up and sees none other than the Vega Colony Council Member that the Celestial executed back in Episode 9. See-through, of course.

Nelix - Wha-What are you doing here! You’re supposed to be dead!

Ghost - You are a bad, bad kitty. Tonight, you will be visited by three non-corporeal beings.

Nelix - What?!

Ghost - That’s about all I have to say. They just let me out of hell for a minute or two so I can have some fun. Now if you’ll excuse me, the bar has my drink ready.

Poof! The ghost of the Vega Colony councillor vanishes in a cheesy pre-90’s special effect.

Nelix - I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again. BAH!

No-Name #1 - Humbug, sir?

Nelix - What the hell are you doing here, get out of my office!

He kicks the no-name out of his office and goes back to sleep.

And then, in an instant, they heard on the hull
The pecking of what seemed like metal seagulls.

Scene 12 - Genocide, Baque, Tener, Bios, and about twenty no-names are partying in the mess hall. At the moment, they are all singing “Patty Murphy” by Great Big Sea... but modified for the 24th century.

Genocide - Woah, woah, stop guys. Do you hear something?

Tap, tap, tap.

Baque - Sounds like metal seagulls almost.

Bios - Stop reading the narration! This is getting annoying! First the Doctor and now this.

Tener - Sounds more like meteors to me...

No-Name #2 - ...Me—meteors?

Baque - Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.

Then a rock flies through the hull and hits No-Name #2, putting a hole through her head.

Tener - SEE! I TOL YOUS I WAS NOT SOBERUNK!

Baque - Um... Maybe we oughta postpone the festivities until a later date.

The officers all look at each other.

Bios, Baque, Genocide, Tener - NAH!

They all go back to singing as meteors slowly pick off no-names.

As the ship sealed itself and the crew turned around,
Out an air duct some fat guy came with a bound.

Scene 14 - Mess hall... still. The ship has gone through the meteor field and is done squirting auto-sealant in the holes (don’t quite know what that is, but I read it in a book once). As the senior officers and remaining 7 no-names end their song and turn around, an air duct opens and some fat guy dressed in red plops out... somehow. It’s not clear how he managed to get out, seeing as those air ducts are only about 30 centimetres in diameter and this guy looks to weigh about 300 pounds.

Scene 15 - Earth. Admiral Nelix’s office. Nelix is fast asleep in his chair. He wakes up all of a sudden and sees, sitting before him in the other chair, a see through character who looks an awful lot like Agent Smith from The Matrix.

Nelix - Who the hell are you?

Smith - I am the non-corporeal being of December-based-religious-holiday’s past, Mr. Nelix.

Nelix - And I’m the Pope. What do you want and how did you get in here?

Smith - I’d ask if you were surprised to see me, but it seems that line has been beaten to a bloody pulp using lead pipes long enough.

Nelix - That’s really nice and all, but I have to get some sleep.

Smith - No. Your dislike of Christmas has gone on long enough. I am here because of you, Mr. Nelix. I’m here to show you where things all went wrong.

Nelix - I never said I didn’t like Christmas. I just think there’s a lot more singing than usual this year.

Smith - What? - (puts hand to ear phone and listens) - It seems that I’m not getting all of my memos. Now, if you’ll kindly come with me.

Nelix - Can we make that unkindly?

Instead of an answer, the two entities start to float up and out through the ceiling.

Nelix - Wait... I’ve seen this in a movie once.

The float out over the city and around to a Tim Horton’s.

Nelix - What are we doing here?

Smith - I’m hungry. There aren’t many places to eat in the non-corporeal realm.

After a quick bite to eat, the two float back up over the city.

Smith - If you have any loose articles I suggest you take hold of them now.

Nelix - Why?

Smith snaps his fingers and they both start spinning in a circle... very fast... very, very fast... then, POOF! They stop. It is still night but things look different. The two float back to Admiral Nelix’s office.

Nelix - Well, that was fun. Now let me down!

Smith - We are now back about four months ago. Take a look. This is where all your troubles began.

They both look down at the desk. In it is a younger Admiral Nelix (if you can call four months “younger") talking with Admiral Spot and another nameless Admiral. I don’t bother naming them because no one ever remembers their names anyway.

Past Spot - Out of the question, Admiral.

Past Nelix - Ma’am, hear me out. I think it would be a big asset for the Federation.

Nameless Admiral - Stealing a Dominion bug ship would be a direct violation of treaty and could lead to an armed conflict.

Past Nelix - Yeah, yeah, but don’t forget: You can’t trust those slimy no good rotten Founders as far as you can pour one. Just because the Celestial reported that they said they were doing only benign things doesn’t mean it will always stay that way.

Past Spot - You are not going to get a Dominion ship for your private collection, so don’t ask again!

Past Spot and the nameless admiral leave the room, slamming the door behind them. Past Nelix sits back in his chair with an angry look on his face.

Smith - Shortly after this point you decided that the Federation needed a change in government, so you started looking more and more fondly at the Orion Syndicate. After the events on that nameless planet where Chester took over, you went and sought him out and offered him a deal: Help, in exchange for a Dominion destroyer. You relocated to Jupiter Station shortly after that.

Nelix - I don’t need you to tell me my life’s story! Is there a point to all this?

Smith - ....No... Not yet. Good bye, Mr. Nelix.

Poof! Nelix finds himself back in his office.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all singed from plasma and soot.

He had a big paper bag on the end of a mop,
And he looked like a drug dealer setting up shop.

Scene 16 - Mess hall.

Tener - Who the hell?

Genocide - Security, intruder alert!

Bios - Actually he looks an awful lot like–

The fat guy opens the bag and starts taking stuff out of it. One item is wrapped in glittery paper and on it is written “Merry Christmas.”

Genocide - SH*T, HE’S GOT A BOMB!

The remaining no-names make a hasty exit while Lieutenant Baque lunges for Santa.

Santa - Ho, ho, holy shi-!

Genocide - Look out he’s got a pipe!

Baque punches St. Nick in the stomach, causing him to blow smoke all over the helmsman.

Baque - Son of a bitch!

Santa jumps up, grabs his stuff, and runs out the door and down the hall.

Tener - After him! Lieutenant Tener to security, we’ve got a bogey heading aft on deck 3. Seal all exits and post guards at every entry point.

Baque - He must be a Changeling! No one could have fit in that air duct!

Genocide - There must be a Dominion ship nearby. I’ll go to the bridge.

Bios - Um guys, I hate to tell you this now, but...

Genocide - Whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it. There’s a battle to be fought and I intend to make the most of it. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!

His eyes were in terror, those phasers, how scary.
His cheeks were like roses, he was out of breath already.

His drooling mouth was scared up from some blow,
And the rest of his face was as white as a ghost.

The stump of a pipe he had held in his teeth,
Was now lodged in his throat, making it difficult to speak.

He had a broad face and a great big round belly,
Which shook when he ran like a bowl full of jelly.

(Running out of ways to parody this poem as you can surely tell)

Scene 17 - Whilst Santa ran around deck 3 being chased by the incompetent security force, Genocide entered the Bridge and walked to the tactical station.

Genocide - Ensign, where’s the Commander?

Center - He went back to bed. Why?

Genocide - Good, that makes me in charge.

Center - I don’t like where this is going. What’s all this about an intruder?

Genocide - There’s a Dominion spy onboard, impersonating Santa Claus, I think. Scan for a cloaked ship nearby. He must have beamed aboard while our shields were down after we hit that asteroid.

Center - Actually there is a ship out there, but it’s just a sleigh with eight reindeer.

Genocide - Flying reindeer? Sounds a little suspicious. Must be a shapeshifter being an object we’d be likely to let our guard down to. Any minute, he’ll turn into a bomb and, BOOM!

Genocide hits some buttons and the Celestial fires its main phaser banks, just missing the red sleigh which is perched on the port warp nacelle. The reindeer freak out and start flying around the ship as Genocide fires every weapon the Celestial has at the archaic form of transportation.

Genocide - Impersonate Santa Claus, will you...

Scene 18 - Admiral Nelix wakes up again, still in his office. A dark figure is floating before him.

Nelix - Let me guess, you’re the non-cororeal being of December-based-religious-holiday’s present.

The figure hits the light switch, revealing himself to be none other than Yoda.

Yoda - Observant you are. Make my job easier, this will.

Nelix - Am I going to get any sleep tonight?

Yoda - Unlikely it is. Follow me, you must.

Yoda uses his Force-like powers to phase the two of them and make them fly up and over the building.

Nelix - Where are you going now?

Yoda - Show you I will. Much suffering do you cause.

They wake off at Mach 9 and end up outside the USS Saratoga, which is being retrofitted in McKinley station. They float into Ten Forward.

Nelix - I don’t get it. Everyone’s happy and really annoying. What kind of suffering is this? Are you on my side?

Yoda - Closely look, you should..

They float through a table and look into a panel on the wall. Inside, the pressure metre on a plasma conduit is slowly increasing.

Nelix - I don’t see how a faulty plasma conduit is causing suffering. It’ll just break and make a mess.

Yoda - Sabotage it is. Agent of Syndicate put there by it was. Agent, let past security, you did. Your fault, explosion will be.

Nelix - Explosion?

BOOM!!!!!!

The plasma conduit explodes and kills everyone in the room. Luckily they were all no-names, but the mess is horrendous. Blood is all over the walls and McKinley Station is now covered in dead bodies. Admiral Nelix cringes at the mindless destruction of the one place on the Galaxy-class starship that was worth visiting.

Yoda - Hoping to kill senior staff agent was. However, working, they are.

Nelix - So what you’re saying is that my constant harping on them and asking for reports every twenty seconds saved their lives? Aren’t you supposed to tell me the error of my ways?

Yoda - More work have you caused them. Ruined Christmas, you have.

POOF!!! Nelix appears back in his room.

Nelix - That’s it! I’m setting up transporter inhibitors, anti-Changeling devices, dampening fields, the works! I need sleep! God damn it!

Santa tired from the chase, the big fat old elf
And the crew laughed when they saw him, in spite of their selves.

An anger in his eyes and a twist of his head
Soon told the crew they had something to dread.

Scene 19 - Tener and his stupid security force finally corner Santa. One of the no-names goes closer and taps Santa on the shoulder.

No-Name #3 - You’re it!

Tener - Idiot! This isn’t a game of tag!

No-Name #4 - It isn’t? Ah oh.

Camera jumps to a real Changeling who is still confused as to why a yellow-shirt caught him, smacked him, then ran off screaming, even though he was armed with a fully powered phaser rifle. Camera jumps back to Tener and his boys.

Tener - Ok, shapeshifter, time is up.

Santa - That’s it! No presents for you!

Tener and his security group finally clue in and start frantically apologizing to the fat old guy dressed in red. Santa Claus simply mutters under his breath and heads for Main Engineering.

He spoke not a word, as he entered main eng,
And he filled all the stockings, all six hundred and ten.

Scene 20 - Santa enters main engineering, only to see an angry Bolian woman yelling at everyone in the room, and about 600 big sock like things hanging from the warp core, consoles, the upper and middle decks, the overhead support beams, and from the skeletons of long-dead crewmen.

Santa - I’d better get more than a f***ing cookie and glass of milk for this...

Greaser - Hey, James, who’s the fat guy?

Tener - That’s jolly old St. Nicholas.

Greaser - He doesn’t look so jolly right now.

Tener - Well, we had a slight misunderstanding. Heh, we thought he was a Changeling spy!

Greaser - Where’d everyone else go?

Tener - Back to the bridge. Genocide thinks there might be a Dominion ship nearby and intends to destroy it. All he’ll probably find is a sleigh with eight or nine reindeer, but knowing Genocide–

Greaser - Bridge.

Tener - Right.

The two sprint through the doors and take off down the hallway.

And giving the finger and an annoyed-sounding scream,
He tapped on an implant, and away he was beamed.

Scene 21 - Done with the stockings, the fat guy in red gives the finger to Tener and uses his other hand to lay his finger aside of his nose and gave a quick nod. Next thing everyone knew he was transported away in a red and green Christmas-like transporter beam which had the sound of sleigh bells along with it.

Tener - Didn’t see that coming.

Scene 22 - Admiral Nelix wakes up in his quarters again. This time he is prepared and begins firing his kitty phaser around the room.

Nelix - F***ERS!

A no-name with a severed arm stands back up.

No-Name #5 - Oh sorry to wake you sir, I was just cleaning the carpets.

Nelix, muttering under his breath, resets the phaser and vaporises No-Name #5.

Nelix - Stupid no-names. They’ve probably been the ones pissing me off tonight. I’ll have to remember to fire them tomorrow morning. Out a torpedo tube, that is.

All of a sudden, a blinding red light fills the room, accompanied by a loud noise. With drama that should never be used (ever!), the windows in the room shatter, the door melts into a pile of molten metal, the lights explode, the desk vaporises, and Admiral Nelix is thrown against the far wall. Eventually, the mindless destruction stops and Sauron from The Lord of the Rings appears in the middle of the room.

Nelix - AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S A HARDLY-SEEN CHARACTER FROM AN AWARD-WINNING MOVIE!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!

Sauron - Mortal, I bring to you your death!

Nelix - Oh yeah!?

Nelix fires his fully powered phaser at the non-corporeal being of December-based-religious-holiday’s future. Nothing happens. Nelix tries again and again until the phaser’s power cell is depleted.

Nelix - Oh, sh*t.

Sauron - Prepare to die, mortal.

Nelix - Wait! I’ll change! I promise!

Sauron - No, you won’t!

Nelix - Yeah, you’re right, I can’t really back that claim up with much... wait, don’t I get to pick when I die?

Sauron - Well, I was thinking tonight, but next Tuesday looks good on my calendar too.

Nelix - Okay, next Tuesday it is. So, where are you going to take me?

Sauron - To your future.

FLASH!!!! The two appear near a volcano. Two short humanoid creatures are standing on a cliff. Sauron walks over to one of them and grabs something from him.

Sauron - I’ll take that, thank you very much.

Frodo - NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Sauron - Hey, I bought this on eBay fair and square... get your own!

The hulking shape of Sauron grabs a hissing Admiral Nelix by the tail and puts on the ring of power. The next thing Nelix knows is they are standing on the bridge of a ship. Closer inspection reveals it to be the OSS Scratchingpost. In command is Chester, but the first officer is none other than Future Admiral Nelix.

Nelix - Cool, I get to be a 2IC!

Sauron - Look closer.

They float out into space, where the Scratchingpost is being blown to bits by two Federation starships, which can’t be seen well right now.

Nelix - Hey, I knew the risks when I signed up for the Orion Syndicate. Showing me this changes nothing.

As soon as he says this, one of the Federation ships flies close to them, followed closely by the other. A quick glance reveals them to be the USS Celestial and the USS Borg Buster.

Nelix - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

POOF!!! Admiral Nelix wakes up in his bed. The sheets are shredded from Nelix clawing them up while dreaming.

Nelix - No, nothing is worse than being killed by Righteous or Shields! Computer, transmit a text message using Nelix communications protocol Oscar Sierra 188. Message content: I quit!. Encrypt and send.

Nelix jumps down from his bed and runs out into the hall. The morning shift has already started to arrive.

Nelix - Merry Christmas, overly cheerful no-name secretary! Merry Christmas, no-name janitor! Merry Christmas, angry looking Admiral Spot!–Wha?!

Camera is on Spot, who looks like she could kill someone right now.

Nelix - Ma’am, if this is about the Saratoga, I can explain. You see, I’ve seen the error of my ways and–

Spot - To hell with the Saratoga! I just had to spend the night watching Christmas special after Christmas special! I MISSED CSI: ANDOR FOR THAT CRAP!!! SO HAVE A MERRY F***ING CHRISTMAS AND ONE HELL OF A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! GOD DAMN IT!!!

Scene 23 - Bridge of the Celestial. Genocide is holding the antlers of one of the reindeer he managed to fry, and the rest of senior staff are nearby and opening their presents.

Baque - Alright! A book on How to Make a Holographic You to do Your Work for You!

Greaser - Alright! A comb! Not that I need one, but they’re always handy to keep around.

Bios - An MP3 player! Kick ass! Something else to take apart!

Blavik - Most logical. I seem to have acquired an IDIC. It appears that infinite diversity does occur in infinite combinations.

Baque - Oooooooooookay...

Puker - Cool! Scalpels! That’s good, because I lost my last set in Tener over there.

Tener - A TOS phaser! Finally something that won’t break whenever I drop it!

Righteous - Orbs! You can never have too many Orbs.

Senseless - Asprin! You can never have too much asprin.

Genocide - High-yield warheads! Good, that’ll replace the ones I used to clean out my quarters last week.

Center - Sir! Movement on the port nacelle!

Righteous - On screen! Movie time! Which reminds me... Tonight, after dinner, there’s going to be a screening of Binky, the Targ Who Saved Christmas.

The rest of the crew groan. The version of that movie that Righteous owns seems riddled with religious references and many other fanatical events other than Christmas.

Puker - Well, all’s definitely well with the world right now. Despite the little mishap with the asteroid, and the meteor shower, and the spiked eggnog, and the near-murder of the fat guy in red, and the explosion onboard the USS Saratoga, and the odd explosion at Starfleet Headquarters, this was a very good Christmas.

Baque - Mr. Has-a-replicator-in-his-pocket is preparing to lift off.

Righteous - Let’s watch!

Santa sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And they all warped away like a Bomark-class missile.

But they heard him yell out as he flew out of sight,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND GOD DAMN IT, GOOD NIGHT!”

The End