Episode 22: “The Boredom of Things”

Written by Swordtail

Published July 1, 2006

Okay, to explain the title before someone points out it has nothing to do with the story, I was very bored when I came up with the idea for this episode... so sue me, alright? Just joking, I don’t have enough money to be sued.

Scene 1 - Camera is in some science lab. Bios, Greaser, and Senseless are present.

Bios - It’s not like finding a needle in a haystack at all. There’s a difference. In this case, we’re looking for a specific piece of hay in a haystack the size of Mount Olympus. This would take millennia if we were to just use the lateral sensor array. Now if we were to tie in all the sensors–

Senseless - Out of the question. Tying up all the sensors to look for anti-quarks or whatever would leave us flying blind. Find another way to search for them.

Bios - With all due respect Commander, this project Starfleet has us working on is pointless.

Greaser - Who knows, maybe something far more interesting will just pop up.

Bios - Yeah, right, like some kind of super-duper thing will just come plummeting through the wall over there.

As she causally points to the wall, it explodes, the lights go out, the ship lurches violently, the alert klaxons go off, and Senseless smacks his forehead.

Senseless - How many times have I told you people NEVER TO SAY STUFF LIKE THAT!?!?!

Opening credits... Well, you get the idea. Am I the only parody author that includes these lines?

Scene 2 - Righteous is walking with Senseless and Genocide down a busted up corridor.

Senseless - ...And the next thing I knew the wall exploded.

Genocide - From what Toc tells me, the ship was flying along just fine at warp 6 when out of nowhere the main deflector overloaded and the ship dropped out of warp as a precaution.

Righteous - Overloaded?

Senseless - I told Greaser to take a looksey at it.

They enter the science lab. A five-foot diameter hole is on both sides of the room. Righteous looks through the hole, which can be seen to extend the entire length of the ship forward of the room, and about fifty metres aft. No-Names can be seen walking by the holes through the many bulkheads.

Righteous - Was anyone hurt?

Genocide - No... unfortunately.

They leave the room. Lieutenant Commander Greaser runs up to them.

Greaser - Sir, I’ve determined what caused the deflector to overload: Feedback from hitting something. Whatever we hit that caused this hole was too massive to be deflected and it blew out the entire deflector matrix.

Genocide - Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that thing supposed to move the ship aside if it detects anything larger than a small house in the path of the ship?

Greaser - I took a look at the sensor logs. Whatever we hit was quite small, but somehow managed to blow the main deflector and flew through the outer hull, not to mention about a hundred bulkheads.

The four officers enter a room which the impaling object stopped in. Thirty No-Names, led by Lieutenant Bios and Lieutenant Tener, are milling around. Bios and Tener walk up to their four colleagues.

Bios - We found it, sir.

She drops a golden, ring-shaped object into Righteous’s palm.

Righteous - Ooh, pretty. What is it?

Bios - I don’t know, but that thing should have been destroyed on impact.

Righteous - Kind of heavy for a gold ring, don’t you think?

Tener - Our tricorders can’t scan it. They say it’s not even here.

Senseless - For something that isn’t here, it sure did a lot of damage. Lieutenant-Commander, how long until warp drive is back online again?

Greaser - Now, if all you need is warp 5. Full repairs will take at least three hours.

Senseless - Then in the meantime, I suggest we all try to figure out what this thing is.

Scene 3 - Science lab... well, one of them that isn’t destroyed. Righteous and Senseless enter and walk over to where Bios and Greaser are studying the ring.

Senseless - Have you found out what it’s made of?

Bios - Who cares, check this out!

She puts the ring on her finger and instantly turns invisible.

Bios (Still invisible) - Now try to find me with a tricorder.

Greaser hands him an already configured tricorder.

Senseless - All I can detect is a void in the air, but nothing there.

Bios slips the ring off and hands it to Righteous.

Greaser - It seems to interact with a person’s natural electromagnetic field, altering its frequency to become invisible to the entire EM spectrum, as well as every subspace band we’ve tried.

Bios - You know what this means, right?

Righteous - ...Ring goes on.

He turns invisible.

Righteous - ...Ring comes off.

He reappears.

Senseless (distracted by the Captain) - Um, what?

Bios - This ring can generate a perfect cloak! I’ve already determined it can be used in conjunction with our standard deflector dish, with no additional power requirements!!!

Greaser - We could use our shields, weapons, everything while still being completely invisible to the outside universe!

Senseless - Then if this ring has been put into mass production by whomever made it...

Bios - Exactly.

They all stand still shaking their heads in disbelief, well, all except Righteous, who is playing with the ring.

Righteous - Ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes... ah oh.

Scene 4 - Some room somewhere on the ship. Genocide and Tener are looking at some crazy contraption Genocide has rigged up, involving the ring, a phaser rifle on a stand, and a two metre thick block of tritanium attached to a far wall.

Genocide - So I figured, if it can amplify EM fields, why not phaser blasts?

Tener - Are you sure shooting a particle beam through the middle of that thing is such a good idea?

Genocide - Don’t worry, the phaser’s on the lowest setting and there’s no way this amount of energy could even make a dent in that much tritanium. Now, here’s your safety glasses, a consent form to sign, and a PADD to write your will on.

Tener - I’ll pass on the last two.

Genocide - Then here we go.

They both step back and Genocide pushes a button on a PADD. The phaser rifle activates, and then all hell breaks loose. The red alert lights go off. Camera goes outside the ship just in time to see a orange beam blow a hole in the side of the Celestial and fly off into space. Camera goes back to a corridor just outside the room the blast came from. Genocide and Tener both look through the hole which makes its way through about fifty bulkheads and thirty no-names who were unlucky enough to walk into the beam.

Genocide - I think we ought to tell the commander about this one.

Camera spins aside and the scene changes to the briefing room. Everyone is present. The ring is in the middle of the table.

Righteous - Well, there’s no doubt about the origin of this thing. Prophets made it. I’m sure of it.

Senseless - This is way over our heads. We need to take this back to Earth to the Federation Council and let them deal with it.

Genocide - I’m in agreement for once. I did the calculations and figured that if I had tied this thing up to the ship’s main guns, we could have destroyed an entire star.

Puker - I haven’t had time to study the physiological effects of this device, but I doubt they will be good.

Center - Are they ever?

Blavik - There was that time with the ice cream...

Senseless - Then it’s settled. Mr. Baque, set a course for Earth, warp 8. Dismissed.

Everyone gets up and all reach toward the ring at the same time.

Senseless - Um, we’ll just leave this thing here where it can’t hurt anything.

They all nod in agreement and leave the room, but Righteous doubles back and grabs the ring, looks around to make sure no one’s looking.

Righteous - Ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off, ring goes on, ring comes off...

Scene 5 - Somewhere in the galaxy, a dark planet spins through space, its original stellar orbit long forgotten. Five moons circle its skies, which glow brightly from the light of a nearby nebula. Out of a massive fissure in one of these moons, a hundred thousand small vessels emerge and begin to circle the planet, which suddenly comes alive with volcanic activity, bathing the surface in an eery orange glow. From the cloud of ships comes five larger objects, sleek and fast, which zoom out to a safe distance from the planetary system, and then jump into transwarp.

Scene 6 - Earth. Camera pans away from the Federation’s capital as the Celestial drops out of warp and enters orbit. Scene changes to show the Federation Council Chamber. All the member species’ representatives are already assembled, as are ambassadors from numerous other empires throughout the Alpha and Beta quadrants. Sitting along one wall are the Celestial’s crew, minus Captain Righteous and Commander Senseless. Camera goes to Fleet Admiral Spot who jumps onto the podium and addresses the Council.

Spot - (stereotypical high-pitched microphone noise).

The talking dies down.

Spot - I hate dragging out pointless scenes, so I’ll get to the point. On stardate 434821.5, at approximately 0800 hours, Federation Standard time, the USS Celestial, NCC-80164 was hit with an object which penetrated the ship’s deflector field and punched through the hull, eventually lodging itself within the ship. The object was intact despite the energy which would have been released normally. The crew have been unable to determine the composition of the object, but have determined that it is able to drastically alter electromagnetic and subspace fields, which Captain Righteous will now demonstrate.

Spot motions to Righteous, who picks up the ring.

Righteous - Ring goes on...

He disappears and the council lets out a gasp and other dumb noises.

Righteous - Ring comes off.

Spot - Tests have also determined that the object can supercharge phaser beams, render an entire ship perfectly cloaked, super charge shields, and increase warp power. This object, which we have dubbed the “Ring of Power” for lack of a better movie–

Diehard LOTR Fan - HEY!!!

Spot - —is therefore very dangerous to keep around. Before we attempt to destroy it, we must ascertain whether others like this exist, and if so, does the race that produces them pose a threat to us. To answer this, I will turn the floor over to Romulan ambassador Splack.

Spot jumps off the podium and walks away, in a kind of jog-like fashion only cats and dogs can manage to do without actually running. A Romulan in a gray suit stands before the podium.

Righteous (whispering, to Senseless) - I hope he doesn’t ruin the floor; I hear it takes a long time to clean.

Senseless looks at Righteous with a dumbfounded expression for a second as Ambassador Splack begins to speak.

Splack - Millennia ago, when Romulus was founded and Remus subjugated to our rule after their king lost the planet to us in a poker game, we learned of a ancient Reman text which told of a powerful entity, the last of a warlike race. This entity had reigned over the galaxy long before the Iconians or their empire came to be. During his reign, he decided his power was too spread out over the universe, so he concentrated it all into a single large star. His power caused the star to implode, yet instead of creating a neutron star like it was supposed to, it created a black hole, and also forged a golden ring, which contained all his power. Then some stuff happened, some things got said that shouldn’t have been said, and all hell broke loose as a large, intergalactic war broke out and devastated the Milky Way and the surrounding small galaxies.

Righteous (to Senseless) - I like the part where the Remans had an ancient text.

Splack - It was only through sheer willpower and a clever plot twist that the races of the day were able to stop the entity, whose power was impervious to even the Q, so it is written. He was destroyed, but the ring could not be. It was cast, by the Q, into a random part of the universe, which was supposed to be lacking in intelligent life–

Righteous - Ah, I was wondering how it got that close to Earth...

Senseless (under his breath) - Actually it was closer to Bajor...

Righteous - Huh?

Senseless - Actually out by Ursa Major, sir.

Splack - —and left to float through space for all eternity.

Spot (from another podium) - Very pointless. Now let’s all vote to blow it up.

Tellarite Representative - Well, I think I’ve heard enough to know I don’t want to screw with this thing. I’ll just assume it’s unanimous.

He pulls out a phaser, sets it on full power and fires it at the ring, which Righteous had finally put back on the table in the centre of the room. The beam hits the outside of the ring, but is somehow focused into the middle and sent flying upward, breaking through the roof. Camera follows it into space as it just barely misses the sun, then proceeds to destroy an asteroid a small ship was orbiting (a Tellarite freighter, actually...). Camera goes back to the Council chamber where a few people are looking up through the hole in the roof (Keep in mind, this is at least 8 or 9 minutes later: No scientific impossibilities in this paragraph!)

Tellarite Representative - Anyone have a plan B?

Federation President - I suppose that a more powerful beam will simply result in a bigger discharge from the ring. How can it be destroyed, then?

Splack - Reman legend says that it can only be destroyed by casting it into the place it was forged from: The small quantum singularity near the home world of the entity.

Genocide has heard enough and pipes up.

Genocide - AH, COME ON!!!! Is it just me or does this sound just a bit too corny to be any good? I say we bury it somewhere and all go home!

President - I must agree. There is no solid proof that the Reman texts are accurate. In fact, I didn’t know Remans knew how to read or write so I’m not putting much faith in them. Now, before someone points out I’m not the same Federation President as was last seen, I say we change the subject before something anti-climactical happens.

Shortly after he finishes ranting, five semi-large ships appear in the middle of space near Earth and begin destroying everything in sight. The battle can be seen from the council chamber’s new skylight.

President - Uh... All in favour of an indefinite recess say oi.

Everyone except a few stupid caucus members - OI!

Everyone gets up and starts running around screaming. Righteous snatches up the ring and taps his commbadge.

Righteous - Celestial, beam us all up. Energize!

Scene 7 - Bridge of the Celestial, where the senior staff enter and take their stations.

Senseless - Raise shields and arm weapons. Target the nearest attacker and prepare to fire. Mr. Center, open a channel to them.

Center - Actually sir, we’re being hailed by Ambassador Splack and the President.

Righteous - Main screen turn on.

President - Celestial! Do you have the ring?

Righteous - Yep, it’s down in engineering behind a forcefield or something. Why?

Splack - Don’t bother fighting the attackers, they’re weak and pathetic anyway. However, they possess a transporter that can go through shields... must have stolen it from Voyager. Anyway, they are here for the ring. I recognize the engine configuration from the Reman texts. They are under the command of that entity we were discussing earlier. Apparently, he wasn’t destroyed.

Genocide - Your point, please?

President - Get out of here. We’re sending you coordinates for a rendezvous with a Romulan armada. They will escort you to Remus to study the texts yourself, or to the edge of our space, whichever the government which is in power that day decides. You must not allow the ring to fall into the hands of this entity or we’re all royally f***ed. Use it if necessary, but don’t allow it to be captured.

Senseless - Understood, sir. Celestial out.


Senseless - Helm, set a course for the coordinates.

Genocide - All five of the ships are moving toward us.

Baque - Course plotted.

Righteous - Engage at warp 9!

Camera watches as the Celestial goes to warp, then goes back to the bridge.

Center - We’re being followed. They’re gaining on us.

Senseless - Go to maximum warp. Divert all power to the engines.

Baque - It’s not enough.

Bios - I would suggest tying that ring into the warp core. It should accelerate us to a safe speed.

Greaser - It could also tear us to pieces!

Senseless - We don’t have a choice. If those ships catch us, Admiral Spot and the President will tear us to pieces faster. Greaser, do it.

Greaser - Fine. Lieutenant-Commander Greaser to engineering. Tie the ring into the secondary warp coil.

No-Name #1 - Yes ma’am. We’re on it.

Righteous - I don’t like the sound of a ship tearing apart. Drop back to warp 1 power levels as soon as the ring is online.

Baque - Alright, dropping to warp 1 power levels and bringing secondary warp coil online... now!

Everyone is thrown back as the ship lurches forward. Several no-names end up somehow flying through the air.

Baque - We’re at warp 9.99999994!

Center - Those ships are still gaining on us! They must have transwarp drives!

Bios - Structural integrity is falling! 97%!

Senseless - Increase to warp 7 power levels!

Baque - Here goes...

Camera watches as the Celestial, which is already at warp, makes another warp flash and the stars (not the space dust, the stars) start streaking past). Camera goes back to a shaking and exploding bridge.




The engines cut and the Celestial drops out of... whatever it was in... damn, that was pretty corny wasn’t it...

Senseless - Now, if we’ve left our own galaxy again, I’m going to go insane...

Center - Actually sir, we’re right in front of a large group of Romulan warbirds.

Baque - I’m moving us behind them.

Center - Long range sensors are picking up the enemy ships closing fast. ETA: 5 seconds.

Senseless - Inform the warbirds to open fire as soon as they can.

Greaser - They’re Romulans, they do that anyway!

Sure enough, as the five ships drop out of... whatever... the warbirds open up with a barrage of disruptor beams and a few plasma torpedoes. The five ships are quickly destroyed.

Genocide - Worst... episode... ever...

Center - Incoming transmission from the Romulan flagship.

Generic Good Acting Bad Guy - This is Commander Generic of the warbird Rivendale. We’ve been requested by our government and the Tal Shiar to escort you to the edge of our space.

Righteous - Won’t that take, like, a few months?

Commander Generic - Not if we use this convenient wormhole that goes from one side of Romulan territory to the other.

On cue, a reddish looking wormhole opens off the Celestial’s port bow. The Rivendale and the Celestial move into it.

Scene 8 - Celestial’s briefing room. Commander Generic and the Celestial’s senior staff are present.

Genocide - I still think this is the worse episode ever. That’s saying a lot considering we’ve had episodes like Celestial 4, 8, 20 and a few in between.

Commander Generic - Is the ring safely locked away on your ship where no one can get to it?

Senseless - Yes, and if you think for one second we’re going to hand it over to the Romulan Senate, you’ve got another thing coming.

Generic - Having such a device within our Empire would destabilize it. The government would have unlimited control over the people, and the entire empire would fall into civil war. Although it would allow us to rein supreme over the entire known universe, we’d all end up dead in the long run.

Blavik - Logical.

Puker - I’d like to know why the Q haven’t become involved yet. Didn’t they have something to do with the ring getting where it got?

Tener - Maybe they don’t know about it yet.

Camera goes to the Q Continuum where all the Q are sitting in a large theatre, eating popcorn and watching these events unfold on a big screen.

Q Whom Everybody Knows - Worst... movie... ever...

Camera goes back to the briefing room.

Commander Generic - We must leave you at the edge of our space. Beyond that is space belonging to some random goofy forehead species which you’ve never heard of before.

Senseless - How long until we find the system we’re heading for?

Generic - I don’t know. It is many thousands of lightyears outside of Romulan space. We do not know the exact coordinates, but we do know the route that passes through there. It used to be an ancient trade run which passed from system to system. It shouldn’t take you more than a few months.

Genocide - A few months?

Generic - Stuff doesn’t happen quickly, you understand.

Genocide - A few months??!?!?!

Righteous - Just think of it like an extended shore leave, but with work... and stress... and a large possibility of death at the end.

Genocide - A FEW F***ING MONTHS!?!

Senseless - Genocide, calm down.

Genocide - I AM CALM!!!!!!!!!

Genocide sits in his chair gripping the table to the point where he buckles and snaps off the piece of plastic on the edge as well as some of the wood.

Generic - Well, according to my token Tal Shiar stealth watch which only decloaks on the hour that I got in a box of Romulo’s, we should be just about to hit the border, so I bid you good day. Now remember, we’ll try to destroy you on the way back once you get rid of the ring, but you’ll probably find a way through like you always do.

Righteous - Wish us luck.

Genocide - Take me with you...

Generic - Commander Generic to the Rivendale, beam me back.

Commander Generic dematerializes in a funky green transporter beam previously seen in Star Trek: Nemesis.

Righteous - Can’t we just use that ring thingy to make us go really fast and get to where we’re going in a few days or something?

Senseless - His estimate was given with that plan in mind.

Genocide - I am not sitting on this stupid ship for a two or three months waiting until we get to a stupid planet with a black hole nearby. Sorry if that offends anyone, but I’m leaving.

Blavik - Where will you go to? We’re thousands of lightyears from Federation space in unknown territory and you’d have to traverse the entire Romulan Star Empire to get home.


Genocide gets up and storms out of the room.

Righteous - I think this will not be easy too. After all, we’re moving through uncharted territory toward an evil we know nothing about. Starfleet always gives us the difficult assignments.

Scene 9 - Bridge of the Saratoga. Captain Farfetched is looking at the viewscreen which is showing a few thousand small ships moving toward the planet Andor (Don’t ask me how you can tell it’s Andor, just accept it.).

Farfetched - The Celestial gets all the easy assignments.

Camera then goes to the bridge of the USS Litterbox, where Admiral Spot is also looking at the same image, but there are a few hundred Federation and Klingon starships parked facing the incoming fleet.

Spot - Admiral’s log, stardate... line!

Swordtail - What? Damn it, do I really have to go on that A Call To Duty site and also figure out what the last stardate was? Do I?

Spot - Yes. Some of the readers may actually be going there too and converting it back to normal time, so get it right.

Swordtail - Fine, fine... just a frakking second... stardate 435822.6. Happy now?

Spot - Yes. Admiral’s log, stardate 435822.6. The forces of this entity which the Romulans know very little about have amassed a large fleet and are pushing into Federation space. It would appear the Breen have sided with them... sort of... and are helping them build more ships. So now that I’ve said all that, all ships, fire at will!!!

CBS or UPN or whatever company owns Trek these days kills about 4 minutes with a drawn-out space battle. To give you a hint at what’s going on, the Federation ships have far superior weapons, which can destroy dozens of the enemy ships in a single shot, but the enemy ships are far faster, jumpier, and outnumber the Feds about twenty to one. When it’s done, the camera goes to a busted up Litterbox where Admiral Spot has ripped the stuffing out of her chair in frustration. Oh yeah, and the Feds won... somehow.

Spot - I read that damn book series and I watched the three movies so I know how events are supposed to unfold in this episode: Where the hell were the f***ing Romulans in that battle?!?

Scene 10 - “Three days later” flashes across the screen. Scene is on the bridge. Baque is leaning back in his chair, feet up on the console, chewing gum, and playing with a paddle ball thing.

Baque - Who says I can’t multitask?

He says as he adjusts the ship’s course with a sharp kick from his heal into the controls. Camera goes to a very bored Lieutenant Bios, who is building a remote control for the turbolift doors using a replicator, a console, and a tricorder... all of which were important where they were.

Bios - You laugh now, but I will get the last laugh when I can close the lift doors and keep them closed at will... muh ha ha ha!

Camera goes to Genocide, who is shooting at flies with his phaser set on kill. I don’t think I need to mention the number of no-names he hits instead. Righteous is simply asleep in his chair, an empty hypospray of that stuff dentists use to freeze your mouth is lying next to him. Unbeknownst to everyone, Admiral Nelix has stowed away on the ship and finally comes to the bridge. He jumps onto Righteous’s lap. Righteous wakes up and looks at Nelix, then at the camera, which is off to one side.

Righteous - I taut I taw a putty tat!

He looks back at Nelix, then at the camera.

Rigtheous - I did! I did taw a putty tat!

Nelix - Oh, give it a rest. I’ve passed about two hundred crewmen already who have acknowledged I’m here and said nothing to you bozos. I’m here to make sure you don’t screw this really important mission all to hell.

Senseless - With all due respect, sir, we destroyed hell while acting under your orders.

Nelix - Satan is a resourceful... demon. I’m sure that ringworld you mentioned has been rebuilt already... although, there does seem to be a large number of politicians and lawyers having accidents and living to tell about them recently. Now to get back on topic here, how long until we reach the Mordor system?

Genocide - What... the... f***...

Senseless - About a month and a half.

Nelix - Too slow. We need to go faster. I’ve been in contact with the Romulans and apparently the entity’s forces attacked Andor. The Federation and the Klingon Empire were able to fend them off, but another attack could be just around the corner.

Genocide - So, are you Gollum or Gandalf?

Nelix - What the hell!?! What kind of stupid question is that!

Genocide - Am I the only person who read those damn books and is finding this whole adventure a wee bit too predictable?

Righteous - Okay ten, if yoo know vat’s about to tappen, tell us?

Genocide - Well, about now should be the time when a massive army passes us and we almost get seen.

Long pause...

Baque - We’re approaching a stellar inversion nebula. We’ll have to drop to impulse to pass through. It would add another ten weeks to go around.

Senseless - Acknowledged. Drop to impulse. Take us in.

Genocide - I wouldn’t go through there if I were you.

Nelix - He’s probably right... never thought I’d hear myself say that... If this is the only way in, it stands to reason it’s the only way out and it might be guarded.

Righteous - Blllt! Yeah right!

Center - Captain, I’m picking up something on long range sensors, and it’s heading this way fast... wait, make that a lot of somethings.

Senseless - Helm, hide us somewhere!

Bios - There’s a dark matter asteroid twenty thousand kilometres to port. We could hide behind it and it should mask our warp signature.

Righteous - Do it ‘ten.

Nelix - Damn it, I knew we should have picked a better ship to go this far.

Center - The enemy fleet is passing us and is going to warp as they leave the nebula.

Senseless - On screen.

The viewscreen changes to show the side of a black rock as a couple hundred thousand small and medium sized ships fly past and jump to warp.

Nelix - Well! I think we can safely say we’re not going in that way. Helmboy, plot a course that parallels the passageway but keeps us within the nebula.

Baque - Is it now Starfleet protocol to call me that?

Nelix - Plot the course and I’ll tell you.

Baque - Course plotted and laid in. Well?

Nelix - I forget. I’ll be in my quarters, complaining about things and writing reports so you won’t see me for the rest of the week. AND DON’T WELD THE DOOR SHUT THIS TIME!

Genocide - Sheesh. Talk about holding a grudge.

Scene 11 - Starfleet Headquarters, Earth. Admiral Spot is sitting on her desk, a few dozen PADDs lay scattered around her work space.

Spot - ...stupid...

A nameless commander comes in.

No-Name #2 - Ma’am, Deep Space 4 reports confirmation on that report of from the long range telescope at Denobula. The full force of the entity’s fleet is on its way here.

Spot - I suspected as much. Bring all ships home immediately. Contact the Klingons and the Romulans and anyone else you can bribe with cookies. Put every Starfleet force in the Sol system on Red Alert and run continuous battle drills until the enemy arrives. How long until the Litterbox is ready?

No-Name #2 - An hour, maybe hour and a half. Ma’am, we don’t stand a chance against this many ships.

Spot - Maybe not, but let’s go down with a fight.

No-Name #2 - I was thinking more of running away and starting a new Earth somewhere else.

Spot - Someday you’ll be an Admiral and then you can make those kind of decisions, but until then–

No-Name #2 - Ma’am, think about what you just said.

Spot - The part about you making those kind of decisions?

No-Name #2 - No, the part about me being an Admiral someday.

Spot - Ha ha, good point. I’ll put you on fighter duty when the enemy attacks.

No-Name #2 - Well, I made it to commander, I should be happy.

He leaves the room and Admiral Spot sits back down and continues reading redundant reports.

Scene 12 - The Q Continuum. The Q are watching the events unfold (still) and are getting tired of waiting for the interesting scenes to happen.

Q - Boring! Let’s vote to fast forward to the part where the good stuff happens.

Q - All in favour?

Qs - OI!

Q - All against?

Qs - ...

Q - Okay, Q, hit the fast forward button.

Camera jumps to the bridge of the Celestial. All senior staff are present. The ship is still passing through the nebula.

Righteous - Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we suddenly got to the Mordor system by some unknown force?

FLASH! Everything goes white. Camera goes to space near the rogue planet (which, it turns out, is about a few billion kilometres from a small black hole and therefore not rogue at all), where the USS Celestial suddenly appears out of nowhere in a big flash of light. Camera goes to the bridge.

Senseless - I’m sure we could waste hours trying to figure out how that happened, so let’s just blame it on a little deus ex machina.

Righteous - Hey, I was right—

Baque - Will wonders never cease..?

Righteous - —That was cool!

Bios - Ah, Commander? We’ve got incoming...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Raising shields! Arming weapons!

Center - Multiple enemy contacts, all around us!

Righteous - Prophets, don’t fail us now...

Senseless - Toc, set a course for that black hole off in the distance. Genocide, fire at will!

Genocide takes a look at his console, which shows more targets than can be shown all at once.

Genocide - This trip might just be worthwhile!

Scene 13 - Above Earth. Thousands of Federation and Klingon and Romulan ships line up all nice and neatly. On the other side of the system, hundreds of thousands of small, black, bug-like ships also line up, but not so neatly (Ever noticed how the Orcs in LOTR could never march in step?). Camera goes to a dramatic shot of Fleet Admiral Spot who looks pissed. Camera then goes to the bridge of the largest enemy ship, where a figure dressed in black armour also looks pissed. Camera then goes back to Spot.

Spot - All ships, full impulse!

Camera watches as the Allied ships floor it in the direction of the enemy ships, which speed up to meet then. As they close in on one another, the camera watches as the gap narrows. When it looks like there’s only about a few metres before they collide (Don’t ask me why they haven’t opened fire yet...), a small space ship with a huge front window floats into view. This window goes 360 degrees around the ship, largest at the front. Inside is an average looking guy holding a Snickers bar. All the ships come to a dead stop. The Snickers guy presses a button on a console and opens a general hail.

Snickers Guy - Okay, just a thought, but, is this really about who gets control of the galaxy, or is everyone on edge because they’re hungry?

Camera goes to various allied races’ ships, where people such as Admiral Spot, Chancellor Martok, Captain Farfetched, and Romulan Commander Spronk all just sort of shrug and nod. Camera goes back to the Snickers guy who points toward a large space station orbiting Mars which is apparently a Snickers dispenser. As the scene fades out, both sides can be seen moving their ships toward it and lowering their shields.

Scene 14 - The exploding bridge of the Celestial.







More explosions rock the bridge.

Bios - The ring is in the ejection canister!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Bios - And transporters are offline! I can’t get the ejection canister into the torpedo tube!!!

Senseless - Genocide, come on!

Senseless and Genocide leave the bridge. Tener takes tactical as the turbolift doors close.

Righteous - Keep shooting! We’re looking bad, here!

Camera goes to the turbolift where Senseless and Genocide exit and run down a corridor into Main Engineering.

Greaser - It’s here!

As the room explodes around them, they pick up the cylindrical metal container which is flickering between visibility and invisibility.

Senseless - OUT OF THE WAY!

He yells as the two run down a corridor filled with screaming no-names. They enter the turbolift again.

Senseless - Deck 12!

The lift goes up three decks and the two run out of it again. The camera follows until they reach a T intersection and take a right. The camera stays looking at the T and a few seconds later Genocide and Senseless and the container run past, going down the left corridor this time.

Senseless - When I find out who designed this ship...

Camera goes back to the bridge.


The exploding suddenly stops.

Baque - We’re within range of the black hole. Any closer and we’ll risk structural failure.

Center’s console starts beeping.


Righteous - Intruder alert! All hands, protect... wait, what are we protecting again?

Baque - The ring, you twit!

Righteous - Right! All hands, prevent the enemy from capturing the ring at all costs.

Tener - I’d better go, then.

Camera goes to Torpedo Tube Access 1, if the sign above the door is any indication. Inside, Senseless, Genocide, and a few no-names are loading the ejection canister into a torpedo.

Genocide - There, done.

Senseless - Prepare for a manual launch.

Phaser blasts can be heard outside the door.

No-Name #3 - Make it fast, sir! I only have a few more seconds to live!

Senseless grasps the fire control in his hands and gets ready to pull.

Senseless - Everyone get back!

The door explodes inward, killing No-Name #3 as Senseless pulls the lever down. The torpedo fires out of the ship and heads straight into the black hole, its temporal compensators preventing it from slowing down due to relativity and screwing everyone over. Camera watches as the torpedo casing shears off, then the canister. Camera goes to the planet, where the volcanic activity suddenly magnifies and lava starts shooting out into space, hitting the moons orbiting the dying world. Camera goes back to watch as the ring begins to shine, showing some dumb annoying letters etched into it. Camera goes to see the armour-clad warriors who had broken into the torpedo tube room writhing in pain. Camera goes to watch the planet as it begins to spew more and more lava into space, destroying thousands of the orbiting ships and causing many more to simply explode for no reason. Camera watches as the ring finally hits the event horizon, and implodes, creating a shockwave which collapses the black hole into a... well, particle fountain, I guess... makes a mess anyway... yeah. Camera goes to the planet, just in time to see it explode in a ball of fire, destroying the orbiting moons, the ships, and sending out a flash of light which can be seen from the Celestial. Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge. Senseless and Genocide enter from the turbolift.

Senseless - Did it work?

Bios - I’m reading that the black hole was destroyed, as was the planet, and every enemy ship seems to have detonated as well. This had to be the corniest ending we’ve ever had to an episode, and I’m just glad it’s over.

Baque - I suppose now wouldn’t be a good time to point out that without the ring it will take decades to get home...

Genocide - ...Damn it!

The End