Episode 24: “Sore Leave”

Written by Swordtail

Published October 30, 2006

Scene 1 - Camera is on the spacedock, which is covered in scaffolding around one section which appears damaged. Off to the left is the USS Celestial, which is fully surrounded by scaffolding to the point where it looks like someone moved a shipyard over next to it... oh wait, they did... Okay, it’s the San Francisco shipyard that the Enterprise uses then. Yeah, just read the last episode and you’ll understand.

Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 435868.9. Admiral Spot kinda got pissed when we rammed the Celestial into her office, so she’s kicked us all off the ship until it gets repaired. I’ve given everyone a shore leave because I guess what’s what people do in this sort of situation. As for myself, I’ve decided to pursue a hobby of mine here on Earth: Messing around with things beyond my comprehension.

Camera goes to a jungle somewhere in South America... Righteous and his guide and a donkey are trumping through the rain forest breaking things with machetes as they go.

Righteous - ...But he never saw it coming. I just pointed off in a direction and said, “Look! A distraction!” and Genocide fired the torpedo, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Pedro the Guide - Yes, yes, very interesting señor...

Righteous - But of course that paled in comparison to the time we managed to destroy the radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia. Did I tell you about that?

Pedro - Only a thousand times.

Righteous - Oh. Okay. Did you hear about the time we managed to destroy a Borg tactical cube all by ourselves?

Pedro - Si, señor...

Righteous - Hey, don’t talk in Spanish... It’s not my fault I forgot my universal translator at home.

Pedro - ¡Usted moron usted es apenas afortunado la única guía en el planeta que habla Bajoran estaba alrededor de cuando usted tropezó en Brazilia!

Righteous - Exactly! I’ve always been saying the oceans would be much deeper if they just got rid of those sponges down there.

Pedro - (mutter) ...Where is it you said you were going again?

Righteous - The Temple of Chizra.

Pedro - Uh... isn’t that a level in Unreal?

Righteous - Yes, well most fiction has a basis in truth, doesn’t it?

Pedro - Whatever... I’ll just keep leading you this way until I’ve made enough money to get the hell out of here...

Scene 2 - Meanwhile, on the Spacedock, Genocide, Tener, and Bios are having a few drinks in the cafeteria.

Genocide - I’m bored.

Tener - Me too.

Bios - Me 1-1.

Pause...

Bios - That was binary for 3, by the way.

Genocide - Sad when that lame joke is the highlight of our day...

Tener - Isn’t there somewhere we can go on vacation?

Genocide - Well there’s still a few unexplored planets kicking around the Federation.

Tener - Why would there be unexplored planets within Federation space?

Bios - To give the captains of low-warp ships something to do every now and then.

Genocide - I say we pick one, grab a runabout and go do something fun with this time we have on our hands.

Tener - What happened the last time you guys decided to do something like that?

Genocide - I don’t remember, it was never written down.

Bios - I think there’s a runabout rental station somewhere on level 73.

Genocide - Our destination?

Bios - How about Urdume II?

Genocide - Good a place as any. Let’s go.

Scene 3 - Also around the same time, Greaser, Baque, and Center are sitting in a bar somewhere on the same station.... also being bored to death.

Baque - I’m bored.

Greaser - So I read.

Center - We could play 3D chess.

Baque - Ah, shut up. That game’s for wussies.

Center - Then how come almost every great strategian in history was noted to have played chess at one point or another?

Baque - What part of shut up...

Greaser - Too bad there aren’t any killer parties going on around here. You’d think there would be, especially on a semi-civilian space station.

A No-Name runs into the bar looking very excited.

No-Name #1 - PARTY ON THE SARATOGA TONIGHT!!! FARFETCHED AND SHELBY ARE AWAY!!!! DOUBLE YOU OH TO THE OOT, BIOTCHES!

Cheers go up everywhere.

Baque - Now, I believe we have something to do tonight, right?

Greaser - Do I bring the Romulan ale this time or do you?

Scene 4 - Commander Senseless is sitting in his office on the Celestial filling out reports as no-names are milling around fixing stuff...

No-Name #2 - God damn it, how does this ship even survive a two-degree turn at one-quarter impulse? It’s a miracle it can withstand the forces exerted by its own artificial gravity!

Senseless (without looking up) - It gets the job done.

No-Name #2 - Barely, if what I’ve read in the reports is accurate.

Senseless looks up at him and lays down the PADD he was tapping on.

Senseless - Do you have a point?

No-Name #2 - Actually I do, sir.

Senseless - Well, let’s hear it.

No-Name #2 - When was the last time your chief engineer checked for fractures in the ship’s hull? Hmmm?

Senseless - She does it all the time. I’ve seen the reports, the micro-fractures are still well within safety parameters.

No-Name #2 - And what about the deforming of the ship’s structural ribbing and endo-skeleton?

Senseless - It’s a warship, it can take it.

No-Name #2 - I have a list of over a hundred different faults in the Celestial’s systems and mechanics. Now, all of them are within safety parameters, but if you add them all up...

Senseless - I’ll get back to my first question, which is do you have a point?

No-Name #2 - Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to deem this ship non-spaceworthy and condemn it to be decommissioned.

He pulls out a big yellow sticker that says “CONDEMNED” on it and slaps it on the wall.

Senseless - Ah, crap. Did you have to stick that in my office?

No-Name #2 - This is Captain Righteous’ office.

Senseless - Oh right. Well he never does any work in it so I kinda forget it’s his.

Opening... why do I bother?

Scene 5 - A luxury suite onboard a luxury starship moving through luxury space to some luxury planet where a medical conference about poverty in the Federation is behind held. Doctor Puker and Ensign Blavik are sitting at a table eating cheesies and watching television. Other, less important people can be seen milling around in the background.

Puker - So let me get this straight... You’re only 31?

Blavik - Don’t sound so surprised, it’s in my file.

Puker - I can’t be expected to read the profiles of everyone on my medical staff!

Blavik - Of course not. So, back on topic, you now know why I can’t pilot a shuttlecraft.

Puker - Why?

Blavik - For the reason that at some point in history someone decided that when applying age laws to Vulcans who lived twice as long as humans they would just multiply every age limit by 2. Hence, I cannot apply for my pilot’s license until I turn 32.

Puker - Let me get this straight... You can perform open heart surgery on people, but you’re not allowed to fly a shuttle? What the hell is wrong with the Federation?

Blavik - It’s illogical?

Puker - Oh well.

He picks up the remote and begins to flick through the 20,540,904 channels available to watch on the relatively new hyperspace satellite networks (Which basically means that every show that was ever produced is being shown probably twice at the same time, every hour, every day).

Puker - Remind me how I got drafted into going to this conference again?

Blavik - You agreed to give a short lecture on the zombies and how you believed that poverty led to them being easily infected by the retrovirus.

Puker - Right... Oooh! They get the cardiology channel!

Click!

Blavik - Stop! Isn’t this that show about that guy who showed up once on our ship?

On the TV -

CLICK!!!! Puker turns the TV off.

Puker - I’ve had enough of that guy. Ooh, so he has tapped into some kind of psychokinetic powers that have lain dormant in Vulcans for millennium, yippie doo. These days, you do anything that people take notice of at all and it lands you a reality television show!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks! The alert klaxons go off and the ship starts rocking back and forth throwing everyone around like rag-dolls. Puker and Blavik stay sitting and continue eating their junk food. A stumbling no-name bumps into them.

No-Name #3 - HOW CAN YOU STAY SEATED AT A TIME LIKE THIS!?! WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!

Puker - Where we come from, this is a daily occurrence. You get used to it.

Camera goes out into space and watches as a Klingon Bird-of-Prey attacks the defenceless civilian transport. Suddenly, it stops firing and comes along side the crippled ship. Camera goes to the lounge where Puker and Blavik are still eating cheesies.

Bzzzzzzt! A bunch of Klingon warriors beam aboard and start slicing and dicing everything in sight. Puker and Blavik remain eating cheesies.

Puker - Well... I must admit this isn’t as boring as I thought it would be.

Blavik - Likewise.

Klingon #1 - PetaQ!

Puker - Hey! Watch your language!

Klingon #1 - You have spirit! You will make fine slaves!

The Klingon grabs Puker and Blavik by the hair and yells into his communicator.

Klingon #1 - Mook ta en tuk tah!

Puker - You have no idea what you just said, do you?

Klingon #1 - Nah, it’s just our transporter password for today.

Bzzzzzt! The trio are beamed away and the Klingon ship resumes firing at the transport.

Scene 6 - Back in Brazil, Righteous and his guide have stumbled across the ruins of an old temple... perhaps ruins is too strong a word...

Pedro - Here we are. Can we go now?

Righteous stares down at the single brick in the middle of the jungle which is apparently the sole remaining piece of an ancient temple.

Righteous - Excellent, we’ve found it. Just as the Prophets said we would.

Pedro - Right... can we go now?

Righteous - No, we have to find a way in.

Pedro - Oh course, how silly of me.

Righteous - Exactly. Now, you start digging and I’ll pray for guidance.

The guide pulls out a shovel and mumbles to himself as he starts digging into the dirt near the brick.

Scene 7 - A runabout zooms through space. Onboard, Tener, Genocide, and Bios are still bored.

Bios - Computer, let’s play a game. I’ll break something, and you reroute power or something like that in order to keep us all alive.

Computer - I have a better game: I vent the atmosphere, and you see how long you can live.

Tener - Sheesh... whoever decided computers needed to have more personality sure wasn’t jerking around.

Beep beep beep, beep beep bepp, beep beep beep!

Genocide - Ooh we’re approaching the planet.

Bios - I’m taking us out of warp.

Tener - Kind of a given, don’t you think?

Bios - Yeah I know, but the damn Starfleet manual says we have to do that for the logs or something.

Genocide (setting up a beam-down plan for the ship to follow) - See, that’s one thing I’ve never understood. Those logs are only so if the runabout or shuttle or whatever explodes they can use the cockpit voice recorder to figure out what went wrong. But generally when ships explode they blow up real good and nothing survives, not even the black boxes, so why do we bother?

Bios - ...It also tells the audience what we’re doing because (A) in a textual medium they can’t see what we’re doing and (B) even if it wasn’t textual, no one can read these damn consoles anyway.

Genocide - Right. Okay, I’m picking up strange suspicious energy reading on a small continent in the equatorial region. Sounds like a good place to go exploring.

Bios - Yay. You guys ready?

As Bios holsters her hand phaser and tricorder, she turns around and sees Tener with a phaser compression rifle and Genocide with a micro-torpedo launcher.

Genocide - What?

Bios - I’d normally say something about wanting to make a peaceful first contact, but I do watch TV. Let’s go.

They step onto the transporter and are beamed away.

Scene 8 - Saratoga’s Ten Forward. A Klingon DJ is jumping around by his equipment to the tune of some electronica/gothic/opera mix that is sending any Vulcan or Ferengi or any other species with good hearing into cardiac arrest. Baque, Greaser, and Center enter wearing civilian clothes. The room is packed full of nameless extras all attempting to dance. The lights are off and holographic strobe lights, disco balls, and other such party items are strung around the room, giving seizures to anyone prone to them. The three Celestial officers walk up to the bar.

Bartender - Wadda’l it be?

Baque - Martini, shaken, not stirred. (Turning to others) Saw that in a movie once.

Bartender - Here you go. You?

Center - Uh, I’ll just have a soda... (looks at others) Shaken, not stirred.

Bartender - You don’t shake a soda, moron.

Center - Fine, I’ll take my custom elsewhere! I bet JC Denton never had this kind of trouble...

Center leaves the bar and goes off to find some people who will tolerate him due to drunkenness.

Bartender - You?

Greaser - Hydrochloric acid, Point five molarity, and some sodium hydroxide to wash it down.

Bartender - Oh, sorry, we’re all out of that kind of thing and the replicators are on the fritz. Something else?

Greaser - Well, okay then. Give me the strongest stuff you have.

The bartender looks around to make sure no one is watching him, then pulls out a bottle of Romulan ale and a bottle of Klingon bloodwine. He mixes them half and half in a glass and hands it to Greaser.

Greaser - Excellent.

She downs it all in one drink.

Greaser - Very good. I’ll have ten more.

Baque - Uh, aren’t you forgetting that taking in that much alcohol is humanoidly impossible?

Greaser - You once again forget what profession I’m in...

Scene 9 - Puker and Blavik wake up in a standard-issue Klingon prison cell. Puker gets up and goes to the forcefield. He spies two guards outside and yells at them.

Puker - Hey! I need to speak to whomever is running this ship!

The two guards look down the corridor as footstep sounds approach. An important looking and butt-ugly Klingon comes to stand in front of the forcefield.

Puker - Well, I hope you’re all happy.

Klingon Captain - I don’t understand.

Blavik - By destroying that ship and taking us prisoner, you’ve committed an act of war against the United Federation of Planets, which, by the way, is far better off than the Klingon Empire is at the moment.

Klingon Captain - Oh... Uh... here’s the thing: We’re actually from the year 2250 and we were thrown into the future and we hate you imperialistic Federation scumbags and will do whatever it takes to destroy you all.

Puker - Okay, I hate to nitpick, but for one, this is a B’rel-class Bird-of-Prey, which didn’t come into service until around the 2280’s, and two, the Klingons at that time didn’t have forehead ridges.

Klingon Captain - Well... so was your mother!

Puker - I enjoy being alive as much as the next member of Righteous’ crew, but why didn’t you kill us?

Klingon Captain - Simple. We need your expertise.

Puker (muttering) - Well, there’s a first...

Klingon Captain (dropping forcefield) - Come with me.

The Klingon leads the two medics to the ship’s infirmary. On a bed is a Klingon warrior with a paper cut.

Klingon Patient - I had a boo-boo.

Puker - Dermal regenerator.

As Puker treats the sniffling warrior’s minor paper cut, Blavik looks around the room and spies various consoles with virus schematics on them.

Blavik - Ooh, SARS! Hey doc, remember that time we were on a planet and were running around for like, forever, looking for this cure to a virus which turned out to be SARS?

Puker - No, I don’t, and neither do you. It never happened? Okay? It never happened!

Klingon Captain - So, I see you can use a dermal regenerator. Now, can you create a biological weapon capable of destroying the inhabitants of an entire solar system regardless of their species, while leaving Klingons untouched?

Puker - Oh yeah, I do it all the time.

Klingon Captain - Excellent! Soon I will have a weapon of unlimited power!

Puker - You’re not related to the Duras sisters, are you?

Klingon Captain - Second cousins, twice removed. Why do you ask?

Puker - Just a thought.

Klingon Captain - Now get to work!

Puker - And if I don’t want to?

Klingon Captain - Then I shall rip out your heart and make her eat it!

Blavik - Some threat.

Klingon Captain - WITH YOUR HANDS!!!!

Blavik - GASP! You know Vulcans refuse to touch food with their hands on the grounds of religion and hearsay and stuff like that, all of which is completely logical and time tested!

Klingon Captain - Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha! GET TO WORK!! Guard whom we haven’t seen yet, watch them. I’ll be on the bridge counting stars.

The Klingon leaves, and Puker and Blavik shrug and get to work making stuff.

Scene 10 - Genocide, Tener, and Bios have also been captured and locked in a cell.

Genocide - Wow. That sure was fast. The only way they could have gotten us quicker was if they’d rerouted the transporter beam to put us directly into the cell instead of just outside it.

Melodramatic Voice - SILENCE! OR I WILL KILL YOU ALL!

Genocide - Sheesh, don’t get pushy...

Melodramatic Voice - YOU ARE HERE FOR MY AMUSEMENT!

Bios - That’s funny, I thought we existed solely for amusement...

Tener - What?

Bios - Oh, I was just philosophising about the meaning of our lives...

Voice - I SAID BE QUIET! MY GOD, YOU PEOPLE DO NOTHING BUT TALK, YOU KNOW THAT?

Genocide - Yeah, Commander Senseless says that too sometimes.

Voice - I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR MANY THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND THE CABLE RECEPTION OUT HERE SIMPLY SUCKS! THEREFORE, I HAVE CAPTURED YOU TO AMUSE ME...

Tener - Wait for it... I know this, it’s the same every time...

Voice - ...IN A FIGHT TO THE DEATH WITH MY MINIONS OF EVIL!

Genocide - ALRIGHT! FIGHT TO THE DEATH! YEAH!

Tener - Heh, heh, heh, I so called that one.

Bios - Is now a good time to point out I failed basic combat training?

Voice - LET THE TOURNAMENT BEGIN!

Bzzzzzzzzzt! The trio are beamed away and materialize in a large arena of some sort. Each gets a weapon. Bios is given a sledgehammer, Tener is given a mace on a chain, and Genocide is given a butter knife.

Genocide - Oh, they’re going to regret giving me this...

BZAT! Three dumb looking but obviously evil aliens are transported to the other side of the arena. Each has a sword. Genocide, however, is not impressed.

Genocide - Ah, come on! At least make this sort of hard! Give them phasers or something like that!

Voice - SILENCE! YOUR INCESSANT TALKING IS ANNOYING ME!

Tener - Do you have a name of do we just keep calling you Melodramatic Voice?

Voice - TO KNOW MY NAME IS TO KNOW DEATH!

Bios - Your name is the same name Death uses? You know we went to Hell once and I really wasn’t that impressed. However, with a few tweaks, we could make it a little more comfortable...

Voice - BEGIN!

Genocide and Tener approach their opponents, weapons swinging or moving wildly. Bios, however, simply drops her sledgehammer and starts running away from her opponent, around and around the arena. Genocide looks to be having the time of his life. He easily disarms his opponent, and by disarm I mean that literally he cut the guy’s arms off with his butter knife.

Genocide - I’ve seen loaves of bread that were harder to cut than these guys! Mr. Voice, you insult me!

Tener ends up using a more Starfleet approach by quickly removing his opponent’s weapon and pinning him to the ground. Bios, by some stroke of luck, is in better shape than her opponent, who quickly finds himself out of breath and then collapses. Genocide, having more common sense, kills Tener’s pinned opponent before something bad happens.

Voice - IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO TRAIN THOSE GUYS! SO BE IT! NOW YOU WILL BE RUNNING FOR YOUR LIVES AS YOU ARE HUNTED BY THE MOST FEARSOME OF ALL CREATURES!

BZAT! The four Teletubbies are transported into the arena. A door opens on the side that the Celestial crew members are on.

Genocide - RUN AWAY!!!

The three take off running as fast as their legs will carry them off into the jungle of the strange planet.

Tener - Don’t (huff) look into (huff) their stomaches (huff) or you’ll be forced to watch (huff) videos of little annoying brats (huff) again and again! (huff)!

Genocide turns around and sees the four monsters running after them, arms outstretched.

Teletubbies - HUGGGGGGG!!!

Genocide - F**K!

He throws his butter knife at the four Teletubbies and puts it through Lala’s throat.

Genocide - ONE DOWN, THREE TO GO!

The jungle starts becoming thicker and they start having trouble making it through the underbrush.

Bios - My people are not designed for this kind of thing! GAH!

She trips on a root and goes face first into a tree. Genocide and Tener pick her up and they keep moving, but they lose precious seconds and the Teletubbies get even closer. Tener throws his mace on a chain back at them and it wraps around Po’s neck, suffocating him slowly and painfully.

Genocide - Just... a... little... further... and we’ll be home free!!!

Bios trips on another root and hits her head on a rock, knocking herself out.

Tener - Ah, DAMN IT!

Genocide - Do I be a hero, or do I be smart? DAMN IT! I’m probably going to regret this someday!

He stops running and picks up a large stick. He runs back to where the remaining two Teletubbies are gathered around Bios and starts beating the stuffing out of them.

Tinky Winky - AH-OH! GAK!

Genocide - DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE MOTHER F***ERS!

After he is done, there is nothing left of the two Teletubbies but a lot of blood and some purple and green fur. Then Bios wakes up, sees the carnage around her, screams and jumps to her feet.

Bios - I take it everything is under control, sir?

Genocide - I believe so. Hey, where’s James?

Tener - Up here.

They look up and see Tener has climbed a tree.

Tener - Hey, I don’t get paid enough for this sh*t!

Voice - I THANK YOU FOR GETTING RID OF THOSE THINGS! I SHALL NOW LET YOU LIVE... BUT YOU’RE STILL STAYING HERE! BACK TO YOUR CELL NOW!

Bzzzzzzzzt! The officers are beamed away.... sort of. They materialize a metre from where they were.

Voice - DARN IT, STUPID THING WAS STILL UNDER WARRANTY! HANG ON A FEW MINUTES... DON’T GO ANYWHERE! YOU HEAR ME!?!

Bios, Genocide, and Tener shoot a quick look at each other and then continue running in the same direction they were going.

Scene 11 - Commander Senseless storms into Admiral Spot’s office.

Senseless - I want to know why my ship has been condemned when it works perfectly fine! Can’t they just weld shut those micro-fractures and stuff? I mean, the ship’s not even a year old and its being dismantled while ships over 20 years old are still in service! WHAT KIND OF FEDERATION IS THIS!?!

Admiral Spot - Commander, it’s the middle of May. That means it’s well into spring in the northern hemisphere on Earth. There are a thousand unsuspecting baby robins and other such cat snacks out there I could be hunting down and killing, but I’m stuck in here filling in reports. I want your ship to remain in service as much as you do, because it’s far more paperwork to dismantle it right now! But there’s nothing I can do!

Senseless - Can’t you just order the repair crew to fix the ship rather than decommission it?

Spot - Well... I hadn’t thought of that... thank you Commander, consider it done.

Spot presses a button on her laptop computer.

Spot - Admiral Spot to repair crew, I hereby order you to weld shut the micro-fractures and whatnot and fix the Celestial.

No-Name #2 - Yes ma’am.

Spot - Excellent. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have important things to take care of. Computer, transport me to somewhere in Alberta or Saskatchewan, wherever has the greatest population of birds right now.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!

Scene 12 - After digging for hours, Righteous and his annoyed guide have somehow found a buried temple. The walls are made of gold and gems adorn everything. Righteous is having a field day.

Righteous - I told you I told you I was right you were wrong I told you I told you!

Pedro - Si señor, and I am glad to be wrong! YIPPEE!!

Pedro runs around picking up pieces of gold and silver and stuff like that and shoving it into his pockets.

Righteous - Uh... what are you doing?

Pedro - Yes, I know the mighty Federation doesn’t use currency but come on! Gold is just cool!

Righteous - True, true. However, I’ve lost interest, so let’s go home.

Pedro - What!!?

Righteous - I just wanted to find a temple. We found one, I said “I told you so” and you got some souvenirs. Let’s go home.

Righteous starts climbing out of the hole. Pedro pulls out a weapon and aims it at him.

Pedro - Not so fast! I’ve had to put up with your incompetence for long enough! You’re going to help me cart as much of this stuff out as we can, then you’re going to tell the Federation Archeological Council (it’s canon, I actually looked it up) that I was the one who found this location so I can get fame and glory! Now move!

Righteous - Hey, don’t point that at me! I was the one who found this place. You can have and do whatever you want with it, it’s your planet. But leave me out of it. I just like messing with stuff beyond my comprehension.

Pedro - What?

Righteous - Hey, I may be a simpleton, but at least I know it... most of the time. Bye!

Pedro - STOP CLIMBING!

Righteous - Ask the Prophets if I care!

Pedro, finally pissed off, fires his weapon. Instead of hitting Righteous in a full beam, it refracts in the air, spreading out and harmlessly hits everything in the room. Due to some ancient and completely pointless alien artifact that the Human civilization who had built the temple stereotypically worshipped because they thought it was supernatural in origin, the beam energizes some kind of subspace transporter system and Righteous and Pedro are beamed away in a flash of blue light.

Scene 13 - On the planet Genocide, Tener, and Bios are currently stranded on, the trio are still making their way further and further away from the house of horrors. Suddenly, they stumble on the ruins of an ancient temple.

Genocide - This looks promising. Excellent place to recover and plan our retaliation strike from.

Bios’s pants start beeping.

Tener - What the hell?

Bios - Oh, my tricorder. I almost forgot I put it in my pocket!

Tener - Okay, but that doesn’t surprise me. Why is it beeping like that?

Bios - I had it configured to scan for power signatures.

Genocide - Then why didn’t it go off while we were in that building back there. I saw plenty of power signatures?

Bios - Uh... dampening field maybe? Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Tener - I smell an attempt by the author to make up for implanting a plot device and not bothering to go back and work it in properly, but you’re right, it actually does make sense this time. So, what’s it say?

Bios - A standard cold fusion based power generator... wait a minute... I’m picking up what appears to be a pattern buffer! I think it’s a transporter of some kind! We’re saved! Hang on, power is flowing into the pattern buffers... I think the transporter is about to be acti–

BZZZZZZZZZZT! Out of a blue flash Righteous and Pedro materialize. Righteous, having been in mid climb before being dematerialized, falls to the ground. Pedro looks around a second, then falls flat on his face, dead as a doornail.

Righteous - Oh, hi guys!

Genocide - We’re doomed.

Tener - Huh? How did this guy die?

Genocide - He was a no-name civilian, go figure.

Righteous - He had just fired a weapon prior to our being sent here, and the computer that ran the thing probably figured he was hostile and killed him. Hey, where is here anyway?

Bios - I honestly don’t remember anymore.

Tener - Urdume II.

Bios - Right. That one.

Righteous - Never heard of it.

Genocide - Well, you’re not missing much. Basically this all-powerful energy being locked onto our transporter beam as we were beaming down and took us captive, forced us to fight his evil henchmen of doom, then sicked the Teletubbies on us, and is probably still chasing us with something.

Righteous - All-powerful energy being? Who the fire caves came up with that?

Genocide - Gene Roddenberry in about ten different episodes of The Original Series.

Righteous - So... Um... How do we get home?

Tener - Well, there’s a transporter leading directly to Earth here isn’t there?

Bios - Yeah. Everyone crowd around I think I’ve figured out how to activate it.

The four get in a group in the middle of the ruins as Bios hits some buttons on her tricorder.

Genocide - This resolution sucks.

Tener - Undoubtedly.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!!!

Scene 14 - In the Klingon laboratory, Puker and Blavik are leaning against a console with their arms behind their backs. Puker has managed to get a hypodermic needle filled with a sedative or something worse out of sight of the guard and Blavik has done the same with a scalpel (laugh, do you? Have you seen Klingon scalpels?) The Klingon Captain walks in. Puker and Blavik tense up.

Klingon Captain - Report!

Puker - Screw you. It can’t be done. Every simulation we run shows the virus mutating to also affect Klingons. Simply too many species share too much genetic material with Klingons. Find someone else to harass.

Klingon Captain - You can not complete the bio-weapon?

Puker - Yeah, that’s right.

Klingon Captain - Oh. Well, it was worth a try. Alright, we’re passing Starbase 403 in a few minutes, you’ll be beamed aboard.

Puker - Uh... you’re just letting us go? After we saw you destroy an innocent civilian transport and know of your plans to create a bio-weapon?

Klingon Captain - Yeah, but don’t worry, we will kill ourselves before it makes it through the courts.

The Klingon Captain and the guard leave.

Blavik - That was anticlimactic!

Scene 15 - The USS Saratoga’s Ten Forward. The party is still going on and there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight. Some rap is playing on the speakers and no one seems to be dancing to it (because you can’t...). All of a sudden, the doors open and Captain Farfetched, Commander Shelby, Commander Senseless, and Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix walk in. Everyone stops what they’re doing. Farfetched yells,

Farfetched - SHUT THAT CRAP OFF!!!

The music stops.

Farfetched - That’s better. Computer, switch to a non-rap track and play.

A far superior non-rap song begins playing and the high ranking officers walk over to the bar. Everyone in the room shrugs and just goes back to enjoying themselves.

Farfetched - I always tell them they can have parties as long as I don’t know about it. Well, after that conference, I intend to get so hammered I won’t know about it!

Shelby - Amen to that, sir.

Senseless - I can’t believe you let your crew do this, on your ship?

Greaser and a very shocked looking Baque walk over.

Senseless - Well, I’m not surprised to see you two here.

Baque - Commander... Admirals... Captain... Commander...

Senseless turns to Greaser - Is he drunk?

Baque (Pointing at Greaser) - She... she... she...

Nelix - Spit it out, Lieutenant!

Baque - She... drank... 47... of the strongest alcoholic beverages I’ve ever heard of, and she’s still standing!

Spot - Lieutenant-Commander what do you have to say for yourself?

Greaser (demurely) - I’m an engineer.

Nelix - And that just explains everything doesn’t it? Bartender! Spike the milk!

Spot - And use something strong this time!

Senseless - Well, I’ve got some work to get back to...

Nelix - Sit down, Commander!

Baque - Yeah, chug a lug, Jack!

Commander - No, I’m supposed to be on duty I’d better not–

Spot - SENSELESS! YOU WERE ASKED TO CHUG A LUG, AND A LUG YOU SHALL CHUG!

Senseless - Yes, ma’am!

Senseless chugs a beer as the camera pans over to the door. It opens and Righteous, Genocide, Tener, and Bios walk in.

Tener - How come we never have parties like this on our ship?

Genocide - Because the ship can’t take the bass without having a hull breach form...

Bios - Hey, everyone else is here.

Righteous - Except for those medical people... um... right, Vaughn and Blavik.

The four go over to join the rest of the non-No-Names crowded around the bar.

Righteous - Hey guys! Oh wait, where’s Center?

Greaser - Face down in a pool of vomit, I guess...

Righteous - So best not to worry about it then. Okay. How is everybody?

All - YAY!

Righteous - Yay! Let’s get some more drinks going here. Pour me some Kava juice!

Bios - Heard from Puker or Blavik yet anyone?

Nelix - Oh yeah, I almost forgot. They called a few minutes before I came here. Something about Klingons and bio-weapons, but my best guess is they’re both crazy. They’re on their way here and will be here tomorrow sometime.

Genocide - Then I’ll say it: All’s well that ends well. All things considered, we didn’t have too bad of a shore leave, and I even got some exercise out of it. No loss at all, which is a first I believe!

Spot - So where’s that runabout your borrowed?

Genocide - GOD DAMN IT!

The End