Episode 34: “Over the Ion Storm”

Written by Swordtail

Published June 8, 2007

I feel like ripping off something today. Here we go!

Scene 1 - A shuttle flies through space at warp speed.

Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 436095.4. The Celestial’s engines were damaged and Admiral Nelix got impatient, so we’re flying back to Earth in a shuttle. End log.

Camera goes inside the shuttle, where Captain Righteous, Commander Senseless, and Lieutenants Baque, Bios, and Tener, along with Admiral Nelix are cramped in and looking bored... again.

Senseless - Captain, try to remember to transfer that log entry to the Celestial’s main computer when we get back.

Righteous - I’m gonna do what in the where now?

Nelix - You’re gonna keep your mouth shut for the entire trip.

Righteous - Well, I’ll try.

Bios - Why am I coming again?

Senseless - In case we need to repair something.

Bios - Look, I know nothing has broken in a while due to me, but I still don’t think that’s such a good idea.

The shuttle starts to shake.

Baque - Woah... level 2 ion storm approaching. Wait... this isn’t right. I’m picking up massive subspace fluctuations within. I have no idea what will happen if we get too close.

Senseless - Steer us clear of it, Lieutenant.

Baque - Aye sir... uh oh.

Righteous - “Uh oh”?

Baque - It’s pulling us in and I can’t break free.

Nelix - Divert power to the engines.

Baque - Trying, sir.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Baque - We’re being pulled in faster.

Bios - It’s our engines! Shut them down!

Baque - I’m trying! They’re not responding! It looks like the ODN lines are malfunctioning!

Bios - I just replaced them this morning!

Everyone looks at her.

Senseless - God damn it, Bios.

Bios - I told you it wasn’t a good idea to bring me!

Baque - Structural integrity is failing! This thing is attracted to our engines like ants to wet Honey-Nut Cheerios!

Senseless - Will escape pods survive the storm?

Bios - I think so, they don’t have warp engines and they’re much smaller, which means the ion flux will be a lot less. Yes, I think we’d be fine.

Righteous - I don’t know exactly what you said, but abandon ship!!!

Senseless - We only have three escape pods, everyone double up.

Baque and Bios climb into one escape pod and start prepare to eject.

Baque - Don’t touch anything, okay?

Senseless and Righteous get into another.

Senseless - Same to you, captain.

Righteous - Awww...

Tener and Nelix climb into the last pod and close the hatch just as the front window on the shuttle breaks and all the air gets sucked out. Keep in mind this is larger than your average shuttlecraft. Camera goes out to watch the three pods eject, just as the shuttle explodes in a ball of fire. One pod gets damaged by the explosion and starts to drift with the storm. Inside...

Tener - Ah!

Nelix - HISS!

Camera watches as the pod is thrown around and then disappears with a flash. It reappears right over a planet and proceeds to fall through the atmosphere.

Nelix - What’s happening!?

Tener - I don’t know! Please remove your claws from my arm, sir!

Opening credits, followed by several minutes of commercials, or several hours if this is being shown on TBS.

Scene 2 - On a random planet in a random part of the galaxy (but not too far from Federation space for plot purposes), A mean-looking guy in a pointy hat is barking orders at mean looking henchmen, who are oppressing the native population of goofy forehead aliens, making them mine naquadah and killing those who complain about wanting to eat. Then, out of nowhere, a Federation escape pod comes crashing through the air in a ball of fire, and crashes into the ground a good hundred metres behind the mean-looking important guy. It slides along the ground, killing dozens of henchmen, and finally stops after running over the important bad guy. The hatch blows off and a coughing Tener and Nelix climb out.

Tener - What the...

All around them, the natives stop digging in the mud and start cheering. A couple of them come up and pick up Tener and Nelix and start parading them around the village.

Tener - I don’t think we’re in Federation space anymore, Admiral.

Nelix - No, whatever gave you that impression?

Tener - Excuse me! Hello!? Hey, over here! Could one of you tell us where we are?

No-Name #1 - Why, you’re on Munchkinia Prime!

Nelix - Never heard of it.

Tener - What a dumb name for a planet.

No-Name #1 - You have saved us from the evil warlord of the Western Hemisphere! You are our heroes!

Nelix - Well that’s all nice and good, but we’ll just be getting some parts to fix our escape pod and be on our way.

With the camera on their faces, and their backs to the pod, it explodes in a ball of fire. Without even turning around, both just let their faces drop.

Tener - It exploded, didn’t it.

Nelix - Yep.

Tener - I don’t suppose you people have warp technology?

No-Name #2 - What a silly name for a technology, of course we don’t!

Nelix - It figures.

Then, out of nowhere, an Overly Attractive Female, wearing typical Overly Attractive Female clothing, approaches them.

Overly Attractive Female - Excuse me, I’m not important enough to have a name. But, if you’re looking for advanced technology, you could try asking the powerful magician who live in the capital city to the North. His name is Q.

Tener - Wait a minute... this is getting really familiar somehow.

Nelix - Sounds like as good a plan as any. How do we get to this city?

Overly Attractive Female - Why, you just follow this road made of yellow concrete.

Tener - Okay, if this gets any more familiar without me figuring out where I’ve heard of it before, I’m going to have a hernia.

They look and see that said road goes off for several hundred or thousand kilometres in the distance, swerving and winding, often turning back on itself.

Nelix - Haven’t you people ever heard of “as the crow flies?”

No-Name #1 - The paver was retarded. We didn’t think it would be a problem to give him a easy job...

So Tener and Admiral Nelix start out walking down the yellow road as the villagers wave after them, oblivious to the smouldering remains of the escape pod.

No-Name #1 - They’re not coming back from this, are they?

Overly Attractive Female - Nope.

Scene 3 - In a dark lair somewhere, Chester, the cat that just won’t die (...But the cat came back, the very next day, the cat came back, they thought he was a goner but... —sorry.) is looking into a monitor at Tener and Nelix as they leave the village.

Chester - Curses! How did they get here!?!

Henchman #1 - Shall we destroy them?

Chester - Yes, let’s go. Everyone get your jet-packs on.

Scene 4 - On the USS Celestial, Lieutenant-Commander’s Genocide and Garell, Doctor Puker, and Ensigns Blavik and Center are standing around the bridge with nothing to do.

Garell - Who knew the engines from that Tellarite freighter would work with ours? Think we should go look for them and speed up their return to Earth so they don’t have to deal with Admiral Nelix any longer?

Pause....

Everyone except Center - Nah!

Beep, beep, beep!

Center - I’m picking up a Starfleet distress signal! It’s coming from a point ten light-years from here.

Genocide - (sigh) Well, we’d better check it out. Lay in a course.

Blavik - Aye sir.

Genocide - You’re flying?

Blavik - Is that a problem, sir?

Genocide - You’re a nurse, not a pilot!

Blavik - Would you rather a No-Name flies the ship?

Genocide - Just get us there in one piece, okay?

Puker - Ensign, you once told me you weren’t old enough to have a pilot’s license. How come you know how to fly a ship?

Blavik - I turned 32 a few weeks ago. I took the necessary courses through the holodeck and performed the final test shortly before we entered that race the other day.

Puker - How come I wasn’t informed?!?

Blavik - Because you would have insisted on throwing a party.

Garell - I thought you told me you always wanted to indulge in the human custom of “partying ‘till you lose consciousness from being drunk”?

Blavik - You obviously haven’t spent enough time around Doctor Puker to understand the kind of party he is likely to throw. Now, which one of these buttons does the “Engage” thing?

Camera watches the Celestial shakily go to warp.

Scene 5 - Tener and Nelix are still walking down the yellow paved road when they spy a Pakled poking a low electric fence over and over.

Pakled - Ow.

ZZZZT!

Pakled - Ow.

Tener - What the hell are you doing?

Pakled - I’m trying to get past this fence.

Nelix - Why don’t you just climb over it?

Pakled - Wow! That’s brilliant!

He climbs clumsily over the fence and joins the two Starfleet officers on the road.

Pakled - It’s so hard to figure stuff out with no brain.

Nelix - You have no brain?

Pakled - Nope. I look for things to help me think.

Nelix - Well, why don’t you come with us? We’re going to see a Q. I’m sure he would be able to make you smarter.

Paklet - Okay! Which way?

Tener - Here comes the hernia...

Nelix - Shut up, Lieutenant. Come, this way.

They all continue walking, but soon stop when they spy a cloud of black objects moving toward them from the east.

Tener - Oh what now...

Hordes of goofy forehead aliens wearing jet-packs, led by Chester, also wearing a jet-pack, descend toward them.

Chester - Halt! Don’t move or I’ll kill you!

Tener - Don’t you ever give up?

Nelix - What do you want, Chester!? Are we here because of your doing?

Chester - Not at all, but I must thank you. Since you killed the Warlord of the Western Hemisphere, I now have total control of this planet! Ha ha ha!

Tener - Well, you’re welcome. Now we’re leaving.

He starts to walk, but a phaser beam hits the ground just in front of him.

Chester - You’re coming with me to be my hostages in case your comrades come knocking! Flying henchmen, get them!

Tener - Oh, please...

Tener, being a security guard and prone to carrying weapons at all times, whips out a phaser and starts shooting at the jet-pack wearing aliens. They all fall back and retreat. Tener starts trying to hit Chester, who also flees.

Chester - This isn’t over....!

Nelix - Well, this is getting dumb.

Pakled - If I had brain, I could help!

Tener - Just shut up... Man, I wish I had gotten one of those jet-packs, it would really help us right now.

Nelix - No sense complaining. Keep moving.

Tener - I’m sure I’ve heard of this kind of thing before... I’m sure!

Scene 6 - The Celestial drops out of warp and approaches two escape pods.

Righteous - Captain’s log, supplemental. We’re saved!

Camera goes to the transporter room, where Senseless, Righteous, Baque, and Bios materialize on the platform and are met by Puker and Genocide.

Puker - Where’s Tener and Admiral Nelix?

Righteous - They weren’t with us?

Genocide - No, there was no sign of them. No wreckage or anything within a billion-kilometre radius.

Senseless - What about shuttle wreckage?

Genocide - Not a piece.

Senseless - (sigh) Well, we’d better go find them...

Scene 7 - On Munchkinia Prime, Tener is following the Pakled and Admiral Nelix who are now humming various Broadway show tunes and skipping down the yellow paved road. Suddenly, the come across a meditating Vulcan.

Vulcan - Greetings. Live long and prosper.

Tener - Wait, we must be in Federation space! How did you and this Pakled guy get here otherwise?

They both ignore him.

Nelix - So what’s your story?

Vulcan - I require a heart, to better interact with emotional species.

Tener just rolls his eyes.

Nelix - Why don’t you come with us to visit the Q in the capital city? I’m sure he can just give you emotions with a snap of the fingers.

Vulcan - It seems logical. I shall join you.

So, the trio becomes four and they all continue skipping along the road on their way to the capital city, Tener muttering under his breath as he follows at a brisk walk.

Scene 8 - On the Celestial’s bridge, everyone is looking for Admiral Nelix, and finding Tener would be an added bonus.

Senseless - Anything?

Bios - There’s residual subspace damage, but even if they were sucked into subspace, it doesn’t explain the lack of escape pod debris.

Garell - I’ve maxed out sensor resolution. If we’re not detecting them, they’re not out there.

Righteous - Maybe the Prophets moved them somewhere.

Baque - That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Ensign, can I have the helm back now!?!

Blavik - Sorry sir, I’m having too much fun.

Baque - I thought Vulcans didn’t have fun?

Blavik - We make exceptions when we’re flying million-metric-tonne warships at high speeds.

Baque - Commmmmmmmmaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnndeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr!!!!

Senseless - Oh fine, Ensign, give the whining lieutenant his seat back.

Blavik - As you wish, sir.

Baque - Woo hoo!

Puker - It just goes to show that when the going gets tough, we can count on more than just No-Names to perform bridge tasks.

Bios - My console is covered in blood!

Puker - Well, I couldn’t perform that surgery and keep an eye on the sensors from sickbay, now could I?

Bios - Yes, you could have! Ever heard of rerouting controls?

Righteous - I’m leaning toward the Prophets taking the angry cat and the guy I promoted for no good reason.

Senseless - Oh please, sir, just give it a rest.

Bios - Actually... the Captain might be onto something, commander.

Senseless - What?

Righteous - Yay!

Bios - Wormholes! They’ve been known to traverse small distances before. Remember Star Trek: The Motion Picture?

Genocide - No, we’re trying very hard to forget about it, and you’d be wise never to mention it again, Lieutenant. Because as soon as we start talking about ST 1, we get into this big philosophical discussion about the origins of the Borg and the Q.

The Q everyone knows appears on the bridge.

Q - Did someone say my name?

Everyone - No! Go away!

Q - Picard tolerated me! I’ll go bother him!

Q disappears in a flash of white light.

Senseless - Anyway... You think they were pulled into a wormhole?

Bios - Well, it’s just a theory, but a good of one as any. We’d have better data if we could recover the shuttle’s flight recorder.

Genocide - Well, if you see it, let me know.

Bios - I’m just saying...

Senseless - Well, start scanning for wormholes, subspace fissures, anything that moves things around. Maybe we can hold off calling Admiral Spot for just a little while longer.

Scene 9 - Tener, still muttering to himself, is following Nelix, Pakled, and Vulcan as they skip down the yellow paved road. Suddenly, a Klingon jumps out of the bushes and runs at them with a bat’leth.

Klingon - Prepare for battle!

Tener - Oh please...

Tener whips out his trusty phaser and aims at the Klingon.

Klingon - Ahh!!!

The Klingon stops dead in his tracks and starts running back the way he came. Tener rolls his eyes and shoots him. The Klingon falls flat on his back, nearly unconscious. The four others go up to him.

Nelix - Afraid of a particle weapon? What kind of Klingon is afraid of a weapon?

Klingon - One that doesn’t have any courage!

Pakled - You look for things to help you fight?

Vulcan - Perhaps you should accompany us to the capital city. We are going to visit the Q who lives there. He may be able to grant us our requests. I’m sure he could give you courage.

Tener - And then there were five...

Nelix - Yes! Come with us to the capital city!

Klingon - Okay!

Pakled, Vulcan, and Klingon join hands and start skipping down the road again, with Nelix hopping after them and Tener still wondering why he bothered getting out of bed this morning.

Scene 10 - Chester is in his lair overseeing the construction of a large catapult.

Chester - I’m so diabolically brilliant I frighten myself most of the time.

Henchman #2 - The catapult is ready, my lord.

Chester - Excellent. Aim it at our guests.

Henchman #3 - Catapult is aimed, my lord.

Chester - Fire!

The string is cut and the catapult fires a large rock out over the top of the lair and way over to where Tener, Nelix, and their gang of annoying misfits are still moving toward the capital city.

Tener - Hey, do you guys hear something?

They look up as the large rock falls toward them.

Nelix - Incoming!

They all dodge as the rock crashes down and puts a crater in the road.

Pakled - My road!

Tener - You built this?!!?

Nelix - More rocks!

They start running as fast as they can go along the road as boulder after boulder comes crashing down toward them. Finally, they enter a forest and the rocks stop. Camera goes to Chester’s lair.

(Okay, so I’m not entirely sure this was in the movie, but I didn’t exactly watch it that far!)

Chester - Damn it, I told you to get more rocks!

Henchman #2 - Sorry, sire.

BZZZT! Chester vapourizes Henchman #2.

Chester - I love being evil...

Scene 11 - Some corridor on the Celestial. Bios, Senseless, and Garell are walking along it for no apparent reason (maybe they want exercise, who knows).

Senseless - Well, I tried to speak with Admiral Spot, but she wasn’t available. That’s sort of a mixed blessing, I guess.

Bios - I don’t get it. No wormholes, no subspace fissures, it’s almost like they just disappeared into subspace without a trace.

Garell - On the bright side, full warp capabilities are now restored. We’re as good as new, if you consider this ship when it was new a good thing.

Senseless - Better than the last one.

Garell - You’re welcome.

Senseless - I still don’t forgive you for the Halfass and that time travel incident.

Garell - Shut up, commander! Admiral Spot thinks a warp eddy destabilized the core, and that’s exactly what she needs to think.

Bios - Of course!

Garell and Senseless cringe and lean away from her.

Garell - Not so loud, Lieutenant!

Bios - A warp eddy! They could have been tossed into high warp and thrown across the sector!

Senseless - Would they have survived? Without a deflector field?

Garell - If the ion storm charged their hull enough, maybe.

Bios - We should start checking every habitable world within a few dozen lightyears.

Senseless - Do it.

They suddenly realize they’ve walked into the mess hall.

Senseless - Is it my imagination or does every corridor on this ship, regardless of what deck it’s on, end up at the mess hall?

Scene 12 - Bridge. Senseless, and Bios walk on.

Righteous - The Prophets sent me another vision. It involved pink trees and polar bears from Andor.

Genocide - In other words, he fell asleep again.

Senseless - Mr. Center, what’s the nearest habitable planet?

Center - Munchkinia Prime, just under ten light-years from here.

Senseless - Lay in a course, warp 7.

Baque - What a dumb name for a planet...

Camera watches as the Celestial turns slightly and jumps to warp. Camera goes back to the bridge.

No-Name #3 - No-Name #3 to Lieutenant-Commander Genocide.

Genocide - What do you want?

No-Name #3 - Could you please come down to the starboard aft torpedo tube? The targeting array is acting up.

Genocide - Get Lieutenant-Commander Garell to fix it.

No-Name #3 - She told me to ask you.

Genocide (rolls his eyes) - Fine, I’ll be there in a minute.

Genocide gets into the turbolift.

Genocide - Deck 13, section 12.

The turbolift starts to move and elevator music starts to play. Suddenly, that Section 31 guy from several previous episodes materializes in a Federation transporter beam.

Agent - Long time no see.

Genocide - Not long enough. Leave me alone.

Agent - Don’t think so. After our failure to decrypt Chester’s plans, and the near fall of the Alpha Quadrant, we’re stepping up our operations. You’re being drafted again.

Genocide - Damn it, I want nothing to do with you people. All that “in the dark” stuff is so annoying.

Agent - I want that cat vapourized. I don’t want a single DNA fragment of him to survive this time. He’s as big a threat to the Federation as the Romulans, Cardassians, Dominion or even the Borg.

Genocide - He’s just an annoying recurring bad guy. He’s harmless when you think about it... Wait, the Dominion? What do you know?

Agent - That’s highly classified. You’re better off not knowing. However, if you agree to reinstate your membership, we’ll fill you in.

Genocide thinks it over.

Genocide - Nope. Don’t care. Bye!

The turbolift stops and the doors open. Genocide walks away. He turns a few corners and enters a room labelled “Starboard Aft Torpedo Control Room” and walks up to No-Name #3.

Genocide - Well?

No-Name #3 - Oh... Sorry sir, I fixed it myself while you were on your way. I guess it wasn’t as much of a problem as I thought.

Genocide looks annoyed, then takes his phaser and kills No-Name #3.

Genocide - Not in the mood...

Scene 13 - On the dumb planet, Tener is nearly to the point of wanting to kill himself. They’ve finally reached the capital city, which is, of course, overly ornate and really contrived.

Tener - Who puts this much effort into building a city? Seriously! The walls are probably a good metre thick made of pure gold-pressed latinum or something similar. What is to latinum as pyrite is to gold? Anyone? No? Drat...

Nelix - Do you ever stop complaining about things, Lieutenant?

Tener - No sir, I don’t.

Vulcan - The logical thing to do would be to enter.

Klingon - What if they have weapons?

Pakled - I like biscuits.

Nelix - So do I, Pakled, so do I. Let’s go.

They push open the big doors and walk into a large building. Inside, at the far end of the hallway, is yet another door.

Nelix - Oh, I can see where this is doing... I’ve seen enough of your away mission reports to know that we’re going to get absolutely nowhere fast.

Suddenly, Chester and several of his more competent minions materialize between the group and the far door.

Chester - So, we meet again.

Nelix - Stop getting in our way!

Chester - There’s still a position for you available. If you want to join me again–

Tener - Hah! I knew it! You were working for the Orion Syndicate!

Nelix - Shut up Lieutenant, if Fleet Admiral Spot, the Commander, Starfleet, finds out, I’ll be hanging by the scruff of my neck till pigs evolve wings.

Tener - Oh, this is rich! Woo hoo! Blackmail!

Nelix - Blackmail? You wanna play that game? Well, I happen to know a few things about your ship that you would rather not be made public. Care to make a trade?

Tener - Damn it!

Chester - Enough! Minions, attack!

Vulcan assumes a typical martial arts stance, Klingon simply runs back and hides in a corner, and Pakled runs in circles screaming in rage and waving his arms. The minions stop for a second and shake their heads then continue. Nelix runs past them and attacks Chester.

Tener - Cat fight!

Everyone stops what they’re doing and watches the two cats beat the crap out of each other.

Tener - I’m sure this is illegal on most planets.

Hissing, meowing, scratching, biting and general disarray fill the room as the two felines tear the fur off of each other.

Scene 14 - Bridge of the Celestial.

Center - Sir, we’ve reached the planet.

Righteous - All stop. Found our people yet, Ms. Bios?

Bios - No sir, we just got here. I’ll let you know in a few minutes.

Senseless - Genocide, any ships in orbit we should be keeping an eye on and/or communicating with?

Genocide - Not that I can detect, but I’m picking up an antimatter reactor somewhere on the eastern continent... Shit, it’s massive!

Garell - (whistles) Whatever it is it could probably power a Galaxy-class starship with energy to spare.

Senseless - Take us to yellow alert. We have no idea what to expect.

Genocide - Oh yes we do. We’ve not been kicked between the nacelles for weeks. We’re in for it. I can feel it.

Baque - You have such a low opinion of your own defensive capabilities.

Genocide - What? Hey, shut up!

Bios - Woah... I’m detecting two human biosigns on the planet... and they’re pretty spread out.

Center - There’s a small tritanium signature near one of them, and several different biosigns near the other.

Righteous - That tells me nothing.

Bios - That tritanium signature matches the hull of a Federation escape pod. I’m having trouble getting a clear reading on the other biosign.

Senseless - Beam the human nearest the pod to the bridge.

Bzzzzzt! Overly Attractive Female materializes on the bridge.

Overly Attractive Female - Thank you! You have rescued me! My name is–

Bzzzzzt! Overly Attractive Female is beamed away.

Bios - Sorry sir, I guess the other one must be Lieutenant Tener.

Center - There’s a massive energy field surrounding the area he’s in. I can’t beam him out.

Bios - I’ve identified the other biosigns. One is Vulcan, another Klingon, another Pakled, several are inconsequential, and two are feline.

Righteous - Two? Is that why Admiral Spot wouldn’t return my calls?

Baque - Oh, I think there’s a better reason than that...

Senseless - Admiral Spot was in a meeting with the President when I called her. One of those cats must be Admiral Nelix, but the other...

Garell - Frankly could be anyone, Commander.

Genocide - Knowing our luck?

Senseless - Battlestations!

Scene 15 - The cat fight has come to a pathetic close, as both cats are now sleeping. Tener, Klingon, Pakled, and Vulcan are struggling with the various minions of Chester’s army.

Tener - Admiral!

Clang! Slash! Punch! Kick! Captain Kirk fighting moves!

Tener - Admiral!

Nelix - Huh! What?!

Tener - A little help?!

Nelix - Oh sorry, let’s get through this door.

With Chester still asleep, and the minions beaten back, the five beings burst through the door and close it behind them. They turn around and see one of those three headed glowy serpent ball things that Q once appeared as on the Enterprise-D.

Aldebaran Serpent - Who goes there!?!

Nelix - We seek things!

Pakled - I want a brain!

Vulcan - I require a heart!

Klingon - I demand courage!

Tener - Wait a minute!

Everyone looks at him.

Tener - This is The Wizard of Oz! God... damn it!

Nelix jumps up and smacks him on the back of the head about as hard as a cat can.

Nelix - You idiot! You’re supposed to wish us home!

Tener - You knew all along, didn’t you?!

Nelix - Duh!!

Aldebaran Serpent - No! The things you want you can not have! That is because I—

The building shakes and the serpent flickers, obviously a hologram.

Nelix - What the...

Aldebaran Serpent - I am not in a giving mood, I—

Nelix trots over to a door labelled “Employees only” and opens it, revealing one of the natives speaking into a microphone.

Native - Oh dear...

Nelix - If you can’t get us home, then who can?

Native - Oh... I’m afraid that’s impossible.

Tener - Aren’t you going to tell me to tap my heels together three times and say “There’s no place like home”? Because in my case I can think of a lot of places I’d rather be.

Native - Oh, sorry, I’m afraid it’s impossible to leave this planet due to a localized energy dampening field.

Everyone just stares at him.

PLUNK! Everyone turns around to find that Nelix has fainted and fallen on his side.

Tener - Oh for the love of...

He picks up a glass of cold water, which was just sitting next to the native guy, and throws it at Admiral Nelix’s face. He wakes up without so much as a hiss.

Nelix - I... followed the story... to the letter... I... hummed Broadway showtunes and skipped! All for nothing!

Chester - Not quite nothing.

Everyone turns around and sees him standing in the doorway, several henchmen standing around him.

Chester - Thanks to your disappearance, your precious fleet has come to me, saving me a lot of trouble. The Celestial is in orbit and the USS Citadel is on its way. Time to show off my new toy. Oh, do stay here, will you? But, if you want a first row seat to the destruction of everything you hold dear–

Nelix (under breath) - The Ninth Fleet? Boy do you have a lot to learn about me...

Chester - ...Then you can feel free to beam up to the Celestial.

Tener - Can do.

Chester - Lord Chester to OSS Hairball, beam us up.

Chester and his friends disappear in a Romulan transporter beam.

Tener - Right... Tener to Celestial.

Center - Celestial here. Are you alright, sir?

Tener - I’m fine–

Center - I meant Admiral Nelix, but it’s good to know you’re alright too, sir.

Nelix - Beam us up, lieutenant.

Center - I’m an ensign, sir.

Nelix - Really? I thought ops officers on ships that size were supposed to be lieutenants and above?

Center - ...Energizing...

Scene 16 - Bridge. It’s getting blown to pieces.

Senseless - Where the hell did that ship come from!?!

Garell - Remember that antimatter reactor we detected? Turns out it was a ship.

The viewscreen shows a heavily-modified Sovereign-class starship attacking the Celestial, blowing chunks off the hull with every hit.

Genocide - Shields are still at 0%! We have to get out of here!

Garell - We’re running out of time!

Senseless - The warp core is about to go offline?

Garell - No, we’re running out of pages.

Admiral Nelix and Lieutenant Tener and Doctor Puker and Ensign Blavik enter the bridge.

Puker - Well, all’s well that ends well. We’ve rescued our fleet commander, got back our security chief, and got to see how much the author doesn’t know about The Wizard of Oz.

He says as a beam falls from the ceiling and kills some No-Names in the back.

Righteous - Enough! I’m bored! Mr. Genocide, target their warp nacelles and hit them with everything we’ve got. Then get us out of here, flyboy.

Genocide, Baque - Aye sir.

Camera watches as the Celestial phasers and torpedoes the OSS Hairball’s port warp nacelle, blowing it open and sending plasma streaming into space. The Celestial then turns and jumps to warp, leaving more than a few hull fragments and paint chips behind. Camera goes to the bridge, where Blavik is tending to Admiral Nelix’s scratch and bite marks.

Nelix - This episode sucked.

Righteous - I don’t know, I think it went quite well.

Baque - We’ll reach the Citadel in an hour.

Tener - Someone please tell me I’m dreaming all this and any second I’m going to wake up in sickbay! I just want this day to end!

Center - Uh, sir?

SMACK! A piece of debris falls from the ceiling and hits Tener square in the head, knocking him out. The scene fades to black.

Scene 17 - Tener wakes up in sickbay. Ensign Blavik is using some weird medical device on his head and Doctor Puker is reading from a PADD.

Puker - You alright?

Tener - What happened?

Puker - We found your escape pod drifting in the middle of space. You were unconscious. Banged your head, apparently.

Tener - Oh, I was having the strangest dream. And Doctor, you were there–

Points to Blavik.

Tener - And you were there–

Points to Admiral Nelix, who’s standing on another biobed with a No-Name using a furral regenerator (it’s like a dermal regenerator, but for fur) on him.

Tener - And you were there... But I’m glad it was just a dream.

Nelix - Sounds like you had quite an adventure, but it’s probably nothing to worry about–

He tries to suppress it but starts smiling, which prompts Doctor Puker to start smiling and in a moment both are laughing their asses off on the floor.

Nelix - Ah ha ha ha! Sorry, Lieutenant, we couldn’t help but screw with your head. No, it all happened.

Tener - God damn it!

The End