Episode 55: “Trespassers Will Be Shot”

Written by Swordtail

Published January 30, 2008

Scene 1 - The USS Celestial is flying through the quantum slipstream at really fast speeds.

Righteous (voiceover) - Captain’s log, stardate 60072.6. After a short stop at Bajor, we’re continuing on a course for Borg space. I’ve been praying for the blessing of the Prophets every waking hour I have free, because I feel we’ll need it. I can only hope the crew had a good reason for not waking me up when we got to Bajor!

The camera goes to the bridge. Righteous, Senseless, Casey, Sa’lol, Tener, and Baque are present.

Tener - You would have made us go into the wormhole or something. We didn’t have time to piss off extradimensional beings.

Righteous (arms folded, looking mad) - Yeah well, laugh all you want, as soon as I find a loophole in Starfleet regulations that says what you did broke any rules...

Suddenly, the ship starts to shake violently.

Sa’lol (checking readout) - Phase variance. Point zero four seven.

Baque - Compensating.

The shaking stops.

Senseless - How many of those are we going to have to endure?

Tener - And how long until one jumps us and rips us apart before we have time to react?

Casey - And, like, why don’t we just make the computer do the, like, stuff?

Sa’lol - Because frankly I don’t trust your computer’s operating system. Sure it’s Unix based so it’s probably stable as hell, but so few people use it that there’s no way all the bugs have been found.

Tener - Like the one that sometimes doesn’t tell us when the port shields are down?

Sa’lol - What?!?

Tener - Oh... probably should have mentioned that earlier?

Sa’lol - Doesn’t anything on this ship work?

Senseless - Hey, it’s a billion times better than it used to be. Back when we had the first Celestial so much stuff broke on a daily basis we just stopped fixing it and let it build up. By the end of its life the entire stardrive had been stolen from Admiral Nelix, the astrometrics lab’s screen was just an overhead projector, and half the tables in the messhall were made of cardboard.

The ship starts to shake again.

Sa’lol - Phase varia—

Baque - Compensating... you don’t have to mention it every time.

The shaking stops. There is a long silence on the bridge, broken only by the sound of beeping buttons and the distant hum of plasma flowing through the EPS grid.

Righteous - Are we there yet?

Everyone - No!

Righteous - Aww how much longer?

Baque - At least 48 hours.


Righteous - I’m bored.

Tener - I almost wish I had gone with Garell and Genocide. I bet they’re having a lot more fun right now.

Meanwhile, on Bajor, in an old library, Genocide, Garell, and Blavik are up to their necks in dusty old books searching through them with Universal Translators.

Genocide (examining an old schematic of an asteroid) - We’ve been awake for over 36 hours. Do either of you remember what we’re looking for?

Opening credits. Free your mind!

Scene 2 - Still in the Bajoran library, but it is now night on this part of the planet. Garell and Genocide are fast asleep amid the pile of books. Blavik is still searching through the ancient texts. Suddenly, she raises an eyebrow.

Blavik - Commanders!

Genocide and Garell bolt awake and Genocide instantly whips out his phaser and aims it around the room.

Blavik - I found something.

Genocide - Oh... wait, have you been awake this whole time?

Blavik - Vulcans can go several days without sleep.

Garell - Lucky you. What have you found?

Blavik - About 235 years ago, astronomers noted an explosion on Derna, Bajor’s fourth moon.

Garell - That’s it? An explosion? We see those every day!

Blavik - This explosion was odd because it didn’t leave any abnormal energy signatures such as radiation or fusion elements associated with other types of weapons. Indeed, no reason for the explosion could be found. Also, a slight change in the moon’s mass was noted.

Genocide - Interesting. How large was the blast?

Blavik - Not big. It didn’t alter the moon’s orbit at all, and the change in mass was almost imperceivable. However, at that time no weapons on Bajor could create an explosion that large without leaving considerable radiation behind.

Garell - How do we know it was an inversion bomb though?

Blavik - I’ve scanned through all the historical texts. No other incidences matching what we observed last year are mentioned except for this one.

Genocide - All of them? How long were we asleep?

Blavik - About five hours, sir.

Genocide - There’s no way you could have read all this crap in only five hours. I fell asleep on the first paragraph of my first book! And it took me over an hour to get the friggin’ translator set up.

Garell - Yeah, I’m going to have a word with those asshole monks who gave us these, they’re slower than a tribble in molasses.

Blavik - I think we should explore Derna, just to be sure.

Garell - Didn’t the Romulans put a medical facility there and then arm it to the teeth?

Genocide - Ooh, I hope they left a couple plasma torpedoes behind! I’ve always wanted to try those out!

So, the words “An hour later” pass by and a Federation runabout flies toward Bajor’s fourth moon, Derna. Inside, the three officers are scanning the surface.

Genocide - Ooh plasma torpedoes! I’m beaming some into the cargo bay.

Garell (rolling her eyes) - Can’t the Romulans ever clean up after themselves?

Blavik - There’s a facility located one kilometre beneath the surface. No power emissions are being detected, but the structure appears Bajoran.

Garell - Let’s check it out. Is there air in there?

Blavik - Yes, but it’s completely carbon dioxide.

Garell (grabbing a phaser and holstering it) - Damn... I hate those EVA suits.

A few moments later, the three materialize inside a small room, wearing environmental suits. They take out tricorders.

Genocide - Well... I’d say someone wanted whatever was in that alcove.

He points towards a wall which has been blasted open and half dissolved.

Garell - There’s a rudimentary transporter in there, along with power conduits, sensor systems, the works. Definitely a research station of some sort.

Genocide - The wall was blown open by Romulan disruptor fire. The energy signatures match perfectly.

Blavik - It would seem that the Romulans got to it before we did.

Genocide - Well, that won’t do. We’ve got to go find whatever they took, before they blow themselves up.

Garell - Wouldn’t it be easier to just go find the various inversion bombs Chester planted on Federation worlds and use those?

Genocide - Starfleet got their hands on them and, in their infinite wisdom, decided the best thing would be to detonate them in deep space.

Garell - Lame!

Genocide - Yeah, I know, they could have at least seen if they could blow up a star with them. So, we need to go to Romulus... what ship should we take?

Blavik - Taking a runabout would be suicide. We should see if there are any unused Federation starships in the area.

Genocide - With the entire fleet off trying to stop the zomborgs, where are we going to find a Federation starship at this hour?

A little while later, they find themselves standing on a hill overlooking a valley. In the middle of the valley, surrounded by scaffolding and inactive maintenance pods, is an Eximus-class starship, also inactive. No other people can be seen. Blavik is reading a PADD.

Genocide - All this jumping around is giving me a headache.

Blavik - According to the logs, this is the same ship that grazed shields with us during the mission where we had to stop the Breen from re-opening the wormhole to the Dominion. It was damaged and made an emergency landing at this shipyard.

Garell - Wait, so it’s been sitting here for almost two years???

Blavik - Starfleet cut the funding to this shipyard when Bajor complained about agriculture again. The repairs were stopped and the crew transferred to other ships.

Genocide - Can it fly?

Garell - Well, it’s the only ship in the sector that isn’t occupied by main characters right now.

Genocide - Right then, let’s get to work.

The start walking down the hill towards the ship.

Scene 3 - Space. The Celestial drops out of the slipstream.

Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 60075.3. Apparently it is possible to run out of fuel in a starship... Thus we’ve been forced to stop and refuel.

On the bridge, all the senior officers are present.

Tener - Um... didn’t Starfleet fill us up before we left?

Baque - No, see, that would be the smart thing to do... Starfleet did the easy thing.

Tener - So now they’ve forced us to waste some time.

Baque - Basically, yeah.

The turbolift doors open and Mittens walks onto the bridge.

Mittens - Why have we stopped?

Senseless - Our antimatter and deuterium supply is running low. We need to refuel or we won’t make it to Borg space.

Mittens - Oh... where exactly are we?

Sa’lol - Somewhere in the Delta Quadrant, that’s about all I know.

Casey - Ooh, there’s, like, a nebula nearby we can use to refill.

Righteous - I like nebulas. They’re pretty. Like the Celestial Temple. Set a course, helmboy!

Baque - I swear, the farther we get from Bajor, the dumber he becomes...

The camera watches as the Celestial flies into the nebula.

Senseless - Open the Bussard collectors. Tell engineering to fire up that particle accelerator that makes antimatter.

Casey - Okay, sir.

The camera watches as nebular gas is sucked into the front of the ship’s warp nacelles. It pans back and suddenly another ship flies into view, on an intercept course with the Celestial. On the bridge...

Senseless - A ship?

Sa’lol - Yes sir, it was hiding in the nebula. It’s powering weapons.

Tener - Raising shields.

Righteous - Hail them please.

Casey - They’re, like, responding.

A Hirogen hunter appears on the screen.

Hirogen - You are prey. Prepare to suffer!

Senseless - This is the Federation starship Celestial. We’re just passing through, and we don’t want any trouble.

Hirogen - Federation? We’re aware of you... Prepare to suffer more!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Tener - Shields down to 92%.

Mittens - Alright, we don’t have time for this. Lieutenant, target their warp core and hit them with everything we’ve got.

Everyone on the bridge looks at each other, their eyes wide in shock.

Senseless - Shouldn’t we... disable them?

Mittens - Hmm... let’s see... back home there are billions of mutagenic radioactive instinctually driven beings that can’t be killed by anything. Every moment we wait is essentially handing them another ship or planet on their quest to assimilate everything. Now, Lieutenant, Fire!

Tener shrugs and opens fire. The camera watches as quantum torpedoes slam into the Hirogen ship and blow it to kingdom come. Back on the bridge, everyone is silent.

Mittens - Now, continue refueling, and get us underway as soon as possible.

Mittens leaves the bridge.

Casey - Like, he’s cuter when he isn’t being homicidal.

Scene 4 - Io, Jupiter, Sol system. In the Crimea Mons penal institute, inmates are moseying around busying themselves making license plates. Suddenly, there is an explosion. As the dust clears, Chester and several henchmen walk into the room through a hole in the wall. The go over to where Commander Spliff and Dr. R’lentra are cowering in a corner.

Spliff - What took you so long?

Chester - Hey, shut up, I nearly got executed! Now let’s go, we have to go into hiding until this thing with the zomborg blows over.

R’lentra - Let me guess... they won’t listen to you anymore.

Chester (scratching his ear) - Yeah... funny how that turned out... no point whining about spilt milk. I’ve got a ship in orbit and a full tank of antimatter. We’re going South!

Spliff shrugs and he and R’lentra join Chester at the beam-out site.

Scene 5 - On the dark and dreary bridge of the USS Eximus, Blavik is fiddling with the unlit helm console while Genocide finishes beaming the Romulan plasma torpedoes into the ship’s torpedo magazine Garell walks onto the bridge humming the tune to “Godiva’s Hymn.”

Garell - ‘K, situation report: The ship landed because it’s covered in about 50 hull breaches. That’s no problem for us because we can run the entire ship from the bridge. The warp core is intact and we’ve got fuel and plasma in reserve. All other major systems are back online thanks to yours truly—

She does a little bow.

Garell - So, without further ado... Computer, bring all systems online.

The dark bridge flickers to life and the hum of the engines starts up. Consoles light up and the viewscreen goes from a gray wall to a view of the forested valley.

Garell - Oh! That’s what I’m talking about!

Genocide - You’re in an awfully chipper mood.

Garell - I’m so hopped up on caffeine and alcohol that I honestly don’t even remember if I ate breakfast this morning!

Genocide - So, we just have to get into Romulan space, find out what they did with whatever they took, hope it’s an inversion bomb and that it still works, and then find a way to get it mass produced in time to blow up whatever planets and ships the zomborg have.

Blavik - Sounds logical. Setting a course for Romulan space, maximum warp.

The camera watches as the USS Eximus, NX - something or other, takes off, turns around, and goes to warp, probably taking a line of atmosphere with it.

Scene 6 - In space, around a nameless Romulan world. Several dozen Romulan ships are parked in orbit of their colony. A few dozen Federation ships drop out of warp, including the USS Enterprise. On the bridge...

Nelix (sitting in Picard’s chair again) - “Help the Romulans,” she says, “helps us in the long run,” she says... mutter mutter...

Captain Picard - Admiral, perhaps you would be more comfortable in the guest chair...

Nelix - Shut up, Picard, your bridge looks like Starfleet skimped out on the design department and just haphazardly dropped consoles wherever it felt like it. And don’t think we’ve forgiven you yet for not being able to find Species 8472... In their own backyard!

Picard - We did our best, Admiral...

Captain Riker - Admiral, any word on when I’ll get my new ship?

Nelix - When you stop losing ships. How’s that for an answer?

Riker (looking ashamed) - All I wanted was a little screen time...

Nelix - Captain, your “screen time” has the potential to destroy entire series. The author of this one putting you in here is like trying to french kiss one of those things from Alien. I mean, honestly, can anyone ever again watch Enterprise without that pathetically stupid ending ruining the experience?

Counsellor Troi - Why do I have to sit here with my hands tied to my chair behind my back?

Picard - Because every time you take the helm you crash the damn ship, Deanna.

Commander Worf - All tactical systems are online, Admiral.

Everyone looks at him.

Nelix - Worf... are you ever where you’re supposed to be?

Worf - No sir, not to my knowledge.

B4 - Pretty star!

Everyone looks at the viewscreen as a zomborg pyramid ship drops out of warp. The fleet moves into position and opens fire, to little effect. Suddenly, the ship stops, then starts slowly rotating in place.

Nelix - Da hell is it doing now?

Lieutenant-Commander LaForge - I’m detecting power fluctuations in its outer hull... looks like its charging weapons!

Picard - Helm, evasive manoeuvres!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks! The zomborg ship opens fire on the fleet with a variety of phaser beams and torpedoes. Smaller ships are blown to pieces quickly, and larger ones take heavy damage easily.

Nelix - God damn it, if this is the support we get for being part of the Feline Association of Influence, I want my money back!

Then, on cue...

No-Name #1 - Sir! Transwarp signatures! Lots of them!

Barclay - Is it the Bor... Bor... Borg?!?!

No-Name #1 - No they’re...

On the screen, almost a hundred large ships drop out of transwarp. They look compact and sleek, kind of like the Wells-class timeships of the 29th century, but much, much larger, and not as shiny, and more grayish-brown instead of black. The viewscreen suddenly changes to show the bridge of one of the ships. In the middle, surrounded by various goofy forehead aliens, sits a cat-like being that looks like a small tiger, complete with the orange and black fur.

Cat - My name is General Eshreen of the Vorn Imperial Confederation. We received your signal. May we be of assistance?

Nelix - Admiral Nelix, United Federation of Planets. General, when this is over, if we’re still alive, I’m going to buy you a drink!

Eshreen (ship rocking around her) - Make it a Bailey’s on the rocks. Let’s get to work.

The screen goes back to showing the Vorn fleet moving towards the Zomborg pyramid ship.

Picard - Am I the only one getting a sense of déjà vu?

Nelix - Probably. Tell the fleet to coordinate our attacks with the Vorn ship’s weapons officers.

The camera watches as the Vorn, Federation, and Romulan ships make runs at the pyramid ship, the Vorn ships firing high energy bursts of something at the zomborg ship. Not having ever come up against weapons this advanced before, the zomborg ship quickly finds itself on the shitty end of the stick. Seconds later, the USS Eximus drops out of warp in the system. On its bridge...

Genocide - Ah, come on! What are the chances of them being here?

Garell - Keep in mind the universe is out to get us.

Genocide - Yeah, true... wait, who are those guys?

Garell - Uh... dunno, but they’re doing a real number on the zomborg ship. They’ve breached its hull in several places. Thanks to them, us and the Romulans are actually managing to do some damage.

Blavik - Should we hail a Romulan ship?

Genocide - ‘K.

Beep! A very distraught looking Romulan commander, surrounded by a burning and broken bridge, appears on the screen.

Romulan - What!?

Genocide - We need to know where your government took some stuff that was taken from Derna. We believe it may help in defeating the zomborg threat.

Romulan - Oh! That! It’s on the colony we’re trying to protect! Ahhhh!!!

The screen turns to static and then the channel cuts, and on the viewscreen several ships can be seen exploding.

Blavik - Commander, the zomborg ship is moving toward the system’s sun. They appears to be gathering solar energy from it.

Garell - Now why would they do... that... Wait... how much energy does it take to fire that assimilation beam of theirs? Get us to that colony! Now!!!

The camera watches as the Eximus flies toward the planet. Meanwhile, the rest of the fleet is still firing at the zomborg ship, which has turned to point it’s bottom towards the fleet. On the Enterprise...

Nelix - They’re getting ready to fire. This is our chance. Intelligence suggests if we hit them just as they fire it will destroy the entire ship.

Barclay - You ripped that out of Independence Day.

Nelix - Reg? Go to hell.

Barclay - Yes sir...

Suddenly, docking ports on the underside of the pyramid open up and thousands of tiny black rectangles fly out and swarm around the fleet.

LaForge - Drones of some sort. They’re equipped with impulse engines and cutting beams.

Nelix - How do you know that?

Picard - Oh that’s nothing, back when we were fighting the Scimitar, he knew exactly how long it would take for the thalaron weapon to charge up.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Troi - Can someone please untie me?

Everyone - No!

Laforge - The cutting beams are going right through our shields as if they weren’t there!

BOOOM! A beam fires through the bridge and takes out the helm chair, killing No-Name #1. Everyone sits there and stares at the hole where the no-name use to sit.

Troi - Quick, untie me! I can fly the ship!

Nelix - No, I honestly think we’d be safer just flying blindly.

Scene 7 - Bridge of the Eximus. It’s exploding.

Garell - Shields are having no effect! We’re starting to look like Swiss cheese here!

Blavik - Engines are offline. We’re on momentum only.

Genocide - Weapons systems are failing! Those things are easy to destroy but there’s too many of them!

Garell - Shit, here comes another wave.

They watch on the flickering viewscreen as the black triangles, flying in on a jet of blue plasma, suddenly get blown to pieces by a number of Federation phaser blasts. A Galaxy class starship flies past, continuing to fire.

Captain Farfetched (comm) - USS Saratoga to USS Eximus, looks like you jackasses could use a hand.

Genocide - Sir, great dramatic entrance. Can you hold them off while we get something from the colony? Then we’ll need a ride out of here.

Farfetched (comm) - Can do. Watch your backs. Saratoga out.


Genocide - Alright, looks like this ship is toast. Grab some tools and weapons and let’s beam down to the colony’s research lab, wherever it happens to be. Just scan for the highest security on the planet and put us inside it.

They run off the bridge. Meanwhile, on the Saratoga’s bridge...

Lieutenant Scratcher - Ops report, sir! The zomborg ship has changed course, sir! It is now moving toward the planet, sir!

Commander Shelby - Must have seen them beam down and wondered what all the fuss was about. Status on the pyramid?

Lieutenant-Commander Garsh - Looks like they’ve managed to adapt to the Vorn weapons fire.

No-Name #2 (helm girl) - The ship is firing its assimilation beam.

Sure enough, the zombie ship has fired a beam of greenish blue energy at the planet. On said planet, Genocide, Garell, and Blavik have just beamed down and are scanning the area with tricorders.

Garell - Um... guys? We have a problem! Get down!!!

They all drop to the floor just as a contrived wave of blue energy passes inches above them. After it passes, they stand back up.

Genocide - Everyone still alive?

Blavik - Yes, I believe so.

Garell - That was too close... wait, how many Romulans were in this settlement?

Genocide - Shit.

Garell - Yeah, shit is right. Wait, tricorder is picking up mesons. This way.

They run down a corridor and enter a room. Inside is a tonne of equipment. Garell goes up to one piece and taps it with her tricorder.

Garell - Just standard mesons. Looks like they’re trying to reproduce Dr. Ketrell’s methods but haven’t had much success yet. Hey, look at this! A data thing of some sort.

Genocide (looking at the thing which is wired up to a Romulan console) - Looks Bajoran...

Blavik - I do not recommend we remove it. It appears to be tied into their central computer. Unplugging it could corrupt the data.

Garell - We’ll have to shut it all down and do it the hard way.

Genocide - How long will that take?

Garell - About ten minutes...

Clunk! Something metal has moved somewhere down the hallway. Shadows can be seen creeping across walls.

Blavik - It doesn’t appear we have ten minutes.

Genocide - Get to work, I’ll hold them off.

He walks out the door as the other two get busy hacking into Romulan computers.

Scene 8 - Messhall, USS Celestial. It’s still in the slipstream. Baque and Tener are eating breakfast when Sa’lol stumbles in and falls into a chair at their table.

Tener - My God, you look terrible! What happened?

Sa’lol - I don’t know why, but this stupid form of travel is messing with my sleep cycle. I haven’t slept a wink since we started our journey.

Baque (snarkily) - I thought Vulcans could go several days without sleep?

Sa’lol (rubbing her eyes) - Some can’t... like me, obviously.

Tener - Maybe you should ask the doctor to prescribe something. Or do that crazy neuropressure thing.

Baque - Ha! So I guess you Vulcans aren’t that superior to us after all!

Sa’lol (snapping) - Hey! I never said we were superior! I never once said that! Now if you don’t mind, I haven’t slept in over 56 hours and I don’t need your quasi-racist banter grinding at my brain!

Baque - Sheesh, alright...(muttering) Sounds like it’s that time of the decade for someone...

The camera goes outside the messhall where Commander Senseless is walking along. Suddenly, a human shaped imprint forms on the wall next to him.

Senseless (to himself) - Keep walking, keep walking...

No-Name #3 (comm) - Bridge to Commander Senseless.

Senseless - Go ahead.

No-Name #3 (comm) - We’ve just entered Borg space.

Senseless - Go to red alert. All senior staff report to the bridge.

Scene 9 - On the previously-Romulan colony, Garell and Blavik are racing against the clock. Out in the hall, five zombified assimilated Romulans lurch towards the laboratory. Suddenly, in a perpendicular corridor, Lieutenant-Commander Genocide steps into view.

Genocide - Hey! Morons!

The five zomborg stop advancing and turn to face him.

Genocide (in his best French accent) - Say ‘ello to my little friend!

He whips out his flak cannon and points it at the zombies.

Genocide - Asta la vista, baby.

BANG! He fires a cluster of white hot metal at the zombies, and it rips them to shreds. As their dismembered limbs try to reattach themselves, he launches the alt fire, and an unexploded mortar shell is lobbed at the pile of zombie parts. The last thing they see before they’re blown into tiny pieces is a happy face.

Genocide - Why didn’t I think of this earlier?!?!

He spins around in time to fire another shot at several more zombies who are approaching from behind.

Genocide (BANG!) - Who’s! (BANG!) Your! (BANG!) Daddy!

In the lab, Garell and Blavik cringe as they listen to the carnage happening outside.

Garell - He is enjoying this way too much.

Blavik - What will happen when he runs out of ammo?

Genocide (off camera) - Oh hey! A replicator!

Garell - Fat chance of that happening.

Blavik - Ma’am! I think it’s disconnected!

Garell hits some buttons on the PADD-like thing and smiles.

Garell - It most certainly is.

With that, she rips it out of the console and shoves it in her tool kit.

Garell - Genocide!

Genocide (stepping into the room) - Not now, I’m having too much fun.

Garell - We’re done.

Genocide - Well I’m not. (BANG!)

Garell (rolling her eyes) - Saratoga, three to beam up.

Bzzzzzt! They materialize in the Saratoga’s transporter room, and Genocide finishes depressing the trigger. The nameless transporter operator is plastered against the wall.

Genocide - Hey!

Garell - Don’t you remember we have a job to do? Besides, this will blow up a lot more zombies than that thing will.

Genocide - Ooh, right.

Blavik - I suggest we get started immediately. The device contains an encrypted list of components needed. With our knowledge of Dr. Ketrell’s work, I suspect we’ll have about as much luck decrypting it as the Romulans did.

Genocide - So, super, super encrypted?

Blavik - Indeed.

Garell - Hmmm... Captain Ketrell Valen is related to this guy, isn’t he? Maybe he knows something.

Genocide - Worth a shot.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Oh, right, I almost forgot we’re in the middle of a war zone. To the bridge!

A few moments later they walk out onto the Saratoga’s bridge.

Farfetched - Did you jackasses find anything useful down there?

Garell - Sure did. We need to go ask Captain Ketrell for some help though, can you take us to wherever Solaris is?

Farfetched - Sure, it looks like this battle has head down the tube. The Romulans are retreating, the Vorn are bugging out, and Admiral Nelix is getting way too angsty.

The camera watches as the Saratoga turns and jumps to warp, then flies over to the USS Enterprise, which is doing the same. On the bridge.

Nelix - We send out a galaxy-wide distress call, and who responds? One race. One! And they only send a hundred ships! This is not worth the monthly membership fee!

Scene 10 - The Saratoga drops out of warp and comes up alongside Solaris, somewhere near a Federation world. On the Saratoga’s bridge, Captain Ketrell is on the viewscreen.

Ketrell - Yeah, I think I’m related to him. Great-great-great something-or-other.

Garell - He didn’t leave you any odd family heirlooms, did he?

Ketrell (thinking) - Hmm... now that you mention it, there is some weird metal thing that’s been passed down through the generations. Looks kinda weird, not sure why it’s important. I still have it.

Garell - Do you think we could borrow it for a while?

Ketrell - I don’t see why not. Here, I’ll beam it over.

He nods to someone and a second later a small odd shaped piece of metal is transported onto the bridge. Blavik picks it up and waves it near the old Bajoran PADD, then raises an eyebrow.

Blavik - I have full access.

Genocide - Thanks, sir, you may have just helped save the galaxy, and allowed me to set off the most powerful bomb known to exist!

Ketrell - What? Now wait a min—

Beep! The channel cuts.

Blavik - It appears to be a set of replicator patterns.

Garell - Good, let’s get started. How many pieces?

Blavik - Over twenty thousand.

Garell - Damn it...

Scene 11 - Space... the final frontier... The USS Celestial drops out of slipstream and comes to a halt. On the bridge...

Senseless - Casey, any sign of Borg ships?

Casey - Like, no sir.

Mittens - Are you sure we’re in Borg territory?

Baque (in splints and casts) - I set our destination for what we think is the heart of Borg space... even if we’re off by a few hundred light-years, we should still be in their backyard.

Mittens - We know we did some serious damage to them when Voyager returned home... but they couldn’t have been wiped out, could they have?

Tener - Considering the number of times we’ve seen them since, I highly doubt it.

Righteous - Hmm... funny girl, open all hailing frequencies.

Casey - Like, done sir.

Righteous - Oh, woe is us... a poor, little, defenceless technologically advanced Federation starship, all alone here with no one to save us... woe is us. Perhaps I’ll go read up on our extensive knowledge of Species 8472, or maybe go make some Omega particles. Or maybe we should just go back into quantum slipstream and head home...

Everyone on the bridge looks at Righteous.

Mittens - I’m not sure whether that was brilliant or incredibly stupid.

Sa’lol - Maybe a little of both... I’m picking up transwarp signatures, bearing 045 mark 002.

Senseless - On screen.

Beep! The viewscreen switches to show the butt end of a Borg transwarp conduit.

Senseless - Shields to maximum, stand by all weapons.

The camera goes out into space as suddenly a massive wall of metal appears in front of the Celestial. The shot zooms out to show a massive Borg cube. A second, equally massive cube drops out of transwarp, then a third. On the Celestial’s bridge, the screen is full of the greenish black metal.

Casey - Like, we’re being hailed.

Senseless - On screen.

Borg - We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. You will not have time to file an assimilation-insurance claim. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile.

The leading cube locks a tractor beam on the ship.

Mittens - Borg vessel, we have tactical knowledge of a species that has subverted your technology to serve their own purposes. Our attempts to defeat them have failed. If they are allowed to continue, they will eventually conquer the entire galaxy. We wish to negotiate a military partnership.

Borg - Negotiation is irrelevant. You will be assimilated.

Mittens - They will soon become a threat to the Borg. If you do not help us stop them now, you will be destroyed as well.

Borg - Unlikely. We will adapt.

Mittens gives the mute signal to Casey, who hits a button.

Baque - Someone want to explain to me how us getting assimilated will help our cause?

Mittens - The mere fact that they’ve kept talking proves that they’re concerned.

Sa’lol - That, and normally they would have beamed drones aboard by now.

Tener - You’d think they might be holding a grudge against us, right? After all, it was humanity that nearly blew them back to the pre-warp era.

Mittens - There’s another thing I can try... might get their attention. Casey, un-mute the signal.

Casey - Beep!

Everyone looks at her, confused as to why she felt the need to say “Beep.”

Mittens - Borg vessel: My name is Mittens, and I represent the Feline Association of Influence. You will not assimilate this vessel, and will escort us to Unimatrix 01.

The rest of the crew go wide eyed at his order.

Baque - Are you out of your God damned mind?

Borg - You will deactivate your engines and not resist our tractor beam. If you break free within transwarp, the gravimetric stresses will destroy your ship. Resistance is futile.

Mittens - Commander Baque, do as they say.

Baque - But—

Mittens - Trust me, I know what I’m doing... this... this isn’t the first time the FAI has dealt with the Collective.

Senseless - Sounds like there’s a story behind this one.

Mittens - Not one you’re ready to hear. I’ll be in my quarters. Call me when we reach our destination.

Mittens leaves the bridge. The camera goes into space and watches as the three cubes take up positions around the Celestial. The remaining two also lock tractor beams on the ship then all four ships jump into transwarp. On the Celestial’s bridge.

Righteous - Ooh pretty.

Tener - You know, it just occurred to me that once we defeat the zomborg, there will be nothing stopping the Borg from assimilating us, and in our weakened state we might not be able to resist.

Baque - Yeah, probably, but since when do cats really care what happens to us?

Tener - Damn it...

The camera slowly flies out of the ship as ominous music plays in the background. It flies up above the ship as it is towed through the transwarp conduit. Suddenly, a piece of debris from somewhere strikes the ship and bounces off the now-weakened shields.

Tener - Damn it!

The End