Episode 62: “Contents Not as Described”

Written by Swordtail

Published May 3, 2008

Scene 1 - The camera is inside a conduit access port, looking out between wires and over the EPS power relay at Lieutenant Tener and Lieutenant-Commander Garell who are peering into it and prodding it with tools. Lieutenant-Commander Baque stands behind them.

Garell - For the last time, there’s nothing in here.

Tener - I’m telling you, I saw a mouse run into it. If it bites the wires while we’re in the middle of a battle, it could end up killing us.

Baque - I think you’re just seeing things.

Garell - The tricorder says there are no lifeforms in this junction. At least no more than usual.

Tener - What if it’s hiding inside one of the gel packs? The tricorder wouldn’t be able to discern between the two, would it?

Garell - No, but it would tell me if something had breached the protective membrane.

Suddenly, a little mouse runs across the top of the EPS power relay.

Tener - There, you see?

Baque - What? See what?

Garell - Well I’ll be damned. Grab it, James.

Tener - I’m not grabbing it. You grab it.

Garell - Hey, you were the one so adamant about getting it out of there. You grab it!

Baque - Oh, you’re both pussies. Here.

He shoves both of them out of the way and reaches into the junction. Tener and Garell back off down the corridor a bit.

Baque - Come here you little rodent...

Garell (whispering) - Should we tell him that’s a live power feed?

Tener - Nah, let him figure it out on his own.


Baque - YEOAH!

Baque flies back across the hall and hits the bulkhead behind him. The mouse runs out of the junction and scampers squeaking down the corridor. Then the lights go out. Garell starts laughing.

Baque - Yeah, real funny.

Just then, the ship goes to red alert.

No-Name #1 (comm) - All hands to battlestations.

Garell - So much for catching our mouse today.

Tener - I’ll put up a ship wide bulletin so no one gives him a cookie.

Badda badda badda badda, badda badda badda badda, badda badda badda badda CREDITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111elevenelevenoneoneoneoneoneonemoreonestwo!

Scene 2 - Bridge. The entire senior staff walks on and takes their stations or whatever they usually do.

Garell - What’s going on?

Commander Senseless - Not sure. We just got a distress call from a ship that’s being attacked.

Tener - Wait, so for once it’s not us that’s under attack?

Captain Righteous - For once?

Tener - In that case...

He takes a station at the Master Systems Display console and tunes the monitor in to watch the Parrises Squares tournament.

Dr. Puker - Ah, excellent.

Senseless - Hey! We have a job to do?

Tener - No, you have a job to do. I’m bored.

Senseless just shakes his head.

Senseless - Genocide, report.

Genocide - A courier ship, by the looks of it. Traveling at warp 5. There are three Tholian destroyers chasing it.

Baque - This far into Federation space? Are they nuts?

Senseless - Probably. Adjust our course to intercept and parallel. Hail them.

Casey - Channel, like, open, sir.

Senseless - This is—

Righteous - —Righteous, Righteous Lee, of the Federation Starship Celestial. You are in violation of something or other and should leave before we smite you so hard you’ll think the Prophets themselves have shat on you!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - If your plan was to get them to stop firing on the courier, it worked.

Boom, ship rocks some more, more sparks.

Senseless - Enough of this. Return fire, disable their weapons.

The Celestial blows a chunk off of one of the Tholian ships and all three go into full retreat.

Righteous - Good work, crazy weapons guy.

Casey - Like, the cory ship is, like, dropping out of warp.

Garell - Their warp core is heavily damaged. It could go critical at any moment. Every other system on that ship is already beyond gone. Life support included.

Senseless - Beam them out of there.

Casey - Like, it says there’s too much interference to get, like, a lock.

Senseless - Doctor, Tener, Garell, get over there and put isolinear tags on everyone. We’ll do this the hard way.

Tener pauses the Parisses Squares tournament video and hops over to the turbolift, joining Garell and Puker.

Tener - Anyone want to bet on how much we’re going to regret helping these people?

Scene 3 - Tener, Garell, and Puker materialize inside the rather generic-looking ship. Beams, debris, and more beams litter the floor. The air is full of smoke and there are raging fires all over. Puker takes out his tricorder and scans the area.

Puker - This way! Life forms! Very faint!

Garell - We’d better make this quick, this ship could blow at any second.

Tener - Fun, fun.

They climb over some beams and push open a door and step onto the ship’s bridge. There are three bodies lying around. Two are crushed under a massive ceiling beam and the third is slumped in the central chair, a large bloody gash disfiguring the right side of his face.

Puker - Rigelians. Remind me to immunize us all against Rigelian fever when we get back.

He goes and starts checking on the two crushed under the beams.

Puker - Alive, barely. I’m tagging them now. Check the third.

Tener pins one of those stupid looking emergency site-to-site transporter things Data used to have (they’re actually isolinear tags, because I refuse to believe you can make a transporter that small or have it transport itself. What would rematerialize it? I rest my case. Stop letting fanboys write scripts!)

Tener - Away team to Celestial, six to beam out.

Senseless (comm) - No can do. There’s a dampening field around the bridge, no idea why... Wait... Shit, we’ve got seven Tholian ships on an intercept course, heading in at high warp.

The guy in the chair suddenly grabs Tener’s arm.

Captain - Please, protect it! It’s our only hope! The Tholians are mistaken, do not let them have it!

Tener - Have what?

He hands Tener an object wrapped in a blanket. Tener takes it and turns it over and over.

Tener - What’s this?

Garell - Lieutenant, the core is going critical! We have to get out of here, now!

Tener starts to pick up the captain guy.

Tener - Come on, nice, clean, not-blown-up-yet ship awaiting a few kilometres away.

Captain - We’ll buy you time. Run as fast as you can!

Tener - Stop being so damned cryptic and just—

The captain hits a button on his chair and the three officers plus the small bundle are transported away. The camera goes to one of the Celestial’s transporter rooms.

No-Name #2 - Hello, incoming matter stream. Fancy meeting you here.

She hits some buttons and the three officers materialize on the platform, Tener still holding the wrapped object.

Puker - Hey! That was rude...

Garell (hitting combadge) - Bridge, back us away, that ship is gonna—

Boom, ship rocks.

Garell (sigh) - Never mind.

Senseless (comm) - Well, we’re getting out of here anyway, those Tholians have just increased their speed. They’ve passed warp nine.

Garell - I’d better get to Engineering and make sure the engines haven’t rusted out again... I’d still like to know how that can happen in the vacuum of space. I swear we have a microscopic hull breach somewhere but the damned computer won’t confirm it.

Puker (seeing the blanket) - What’s that?

Tener - Dunno, that guy just gave it to me and said it was our only hope... Woah, shit, this thing just moved!

He drops the package and it lands softly on the floor. Garell and No-Name #2 takes out their phasers while Puker unwraps it.

Tener - What... the... hell?

A fluffy gray kitten crawls out of the folds of the blanket.

No-Name #2 - That’s a cat!

Garell - No shit...

Kitten - Meow!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Garell - Right, more important things.

She runs out of the room. Tener and Puker go back to looking at the kitten. A second later Garell runs back in and runs back onto the transporter pad.

Garell - On second thought, I already did three laps around deck 10 this morning. Just beam me to Main Engineering.

Scene 4 - Bridge. All the bridge officers are present.

Genocide - Direct hit, one of them just bought the farm.

Senseless - Good, maybe they’ll be more willing to talk now. Hail them.

Righteous - How come we don’t get to buy any farms?

Beep! A Tholian appears on the viewscreen.

Tholian - Chirp click whistle (Translation: Hand over anything you took from the courier ship or die!)

Senseless - You’re in violation of Federation space and have fired upon a Federation courier ship, you’re in no position to demand anything. Return to Assembly-controlled territory and tell your government to expect a stern talking-to from ours.

Tholian - Chirp clickity click clack chirp (If you do not hand over the cat, we will destroy your ship. If we can not have her, no one will!)

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Righteous - Listen, mister, I don’t know who you think I think I think you are...

He starts counting, then gives up.

Righteous - But this isn’t a pet store. We don’t sell cats.

Casey - Like, actually, Lieutenant Tener brought one back from the, like courier ship.

Righteous - But we’re not selling it!

Tholian - (Just give it to us and we’ll let you all live!)

Righteous - I think not. Admiral Spot once told me never to mess around with the affairs of felines, then she tore my arm open with her claws when I forgot what she had just told me, and I’m not eager for a rematch. Go away and leave us alone.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Shields down to 75%.

Righteous - I ask you, how come the shields are never above 100%?

Genocide - Because you’re an idiot.

Righteous - Well, we all know that. Return fire.

Casey - Like, more ships warping in!

Sa’lol - She’s right, there’s about a dozen Tholian ships coming to join their friends out there.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Shields at 62%! The dorsal port phaser strip is offline!

Senseless - We won’t last long against another dozen of those things, Toc, find us a hiding place.

Baque - What, so we can just sit there and wait for them to bring in even more ships to attack us?

Senseless - Lieutenant, remember when we had that chat about how arguing with orders will lead to you dying?

Baque - Yes?

BOOM! A console explodes and a no-name flies dying across the room.

Baque - Right, there’s a Mutara-class nebula half a light-year from here.

Righteous - Sounds fun. Take us in, helmboy.

Baque changes course and the Celestial flies into the nebula. The Tholian ships pursue but soon get lost in the gaseous mess of purple... stuff.

Genocide - We’ve shaken them, for now.

Senseless - Organize damage control teams, and get that phaser back online.

Genocide - Trust me, it’s top priority.

Genocide leaves the bridge.

Righteous - Commander, let us go check on that cat someone said was brought back.

Scene 5 - Sickbay. Puker and Lieutenant Blavik are scanning the kitten on a biobed, which now has a bell around its neck and is playing with a ball of yarn. Senseless and Righteous walk in.

Senseless - Report.

Puker - Well... it’s a cat.

Righteous - No shit, doctor.

Blavik - We had to be sure it wasn’t a trick. We’ve done a genetic comparison to the common Terran housecat, and although there are a lot of similarities, there are also some distinct differences.

Senseless - Such as?

Puker - For one, I can’t make heads or tails of some of the chromosomes this thing has. One isn’t even shaped normally. Kind of like a lopsided “Z.”

Senseless looks at the PADD Puker hands him while Righteous picks up the kitten, which starts trying to lick his hand.

Righteous - Hard to believe something this cute is going to grow up to be so damned evil and bad-tempered.

Blavik - She might not. We’ve yet to see any signs of sentience.

Senseless - When do cats typically start ordering people around?

Puker - I don’t really know. Information regarding felines is mostly classified. The only stuff I can really access is information regarding their anatomy and treatments for them.

Senseless - Do you have any idea why the Tholians are so interested in this cat that they’d risk interstellar war just to get her back?

Blavik - Perhaps they mistook it for Mittens. He was involved in some sort of Starfleet Intelligence operation in Tholian space a few months ago.

The kitten wriggles out of Righteous’s arms and jumps down onto the floor, then starts running around sickbay looking at everything in the room.

Senseless - She sure is acting like a typical kitten. I’d keep an eye on her, we don’t want her running off and getting lost somewhere on the ship.

Puker - That’s what the bell is for. It also has an embedded homing beacon.


Puker - Ahh! Not the furniture!!!

Scene 6 - Astrometrics lab. Sa’lol and Tener are looking at stuff.

Tener - If this screen gets any more stuck pixels we won’t need to project a starscape on it.

Sa’lol - That’s because people play games and watch YouTube videos on this thing almost 24-7 whenever we’re not using it.

Tener - So, is the data we recovered from the courier’s black box uploaded yet?

Sa’lol - Just finishing up now. It’s a good thing someone remembered to look for it. Now, the strange thing is that this data is surprisingly small for a courier ship, but I’ve reconstructed their last route.

A sector of space appears on the screen with a red line going about half way through it and then stopping at a point. The screen pans out and the area of space gets bigger and bigger until the entire Alpha-Beta side of the galaxy is being shown. The red line goes clear off the edge of the Milky Way and keeps going.

Sa’lol - So, who votes that the data is corrupted?

Tener - Knowing our luck, I’m going to say no. Look, their route went right through Tholian territory. That explains why the Tholians are after them.

Sa’lol - Not really. According to the flight plan, they didn’t stop once. That could only have happened if they were traveling faster than any ship ever has before.

Tener - Can you track their course back any further?

Sa’lol - I’m trying...

The screen pans back again and the Local Group can be seen, with the red course line still going off the edge.

Sa’lol - Scratch their origin being the Andromeda galaxy then... got it. The ship came from M101.

Tener - But that’s over 27 million light-years away!

Sa’lol - You’re right, but how do you know that?

Tener - How do you know I’m right?


Sa’lol, Tener - Damn it, cats.

Scene 7 - Observation lounge. It’s night and the lights are dimmed. The entire senior staff are present and alone, looking out the windows into the purple and blue gas surrounding the ship.

Senseless (leaning against a table, drinking coffee) - They came from M101? How?

Sa’lol - We don’t know, we didn’t get a good look at their engines, but it makes sense they could have picked the kitten up there.

Puker - Our guest’s DNA is similar to Terran felines, but there are some noticeable differences. For one, I can’t make heads or tails of some of those chromosomes, no pun intended.

Righteous - I bet the Prophets made a wormhole for them to come in through.

Tener - Doubt it. No wormhole has ever been discovered that can traverse more than a few thousand light-years. To create one that is intergalactic would require more energy that the Federation consumes in a decade.

Baque - I say we just hand the cat over to Starfleet and let them deal with the Tholians when they come knocking.

Senseless - Speaking of the Tholians, they are certainly interested in our fluffy friend. They’ve brought nearly their entire fleet into this sector and are surrounding the nebula.

Baque - They’re getting bold, too. Three of their ships entered the nebula in the last hour. It’s only a matter of time before one of them runs into us. Hopefully not literally.

Genocide - I say we go out there with phasers firing, and blast our way through their lines.

Righteous - Has the fluffy kitty said anything yet?

Blavik - No, but we’ve begun to see signs that it at least understands what we say. It thumbed its nose at a bowl of kitty kibble, but ate it once we said it wasn’t getting anything else.

Senseless - Keep working with her. In the meantime, I want all stations to prepare for battle. Lieutenant Tener, start some battle drills. I’ll talk to Admiral Nelix.

Scene 8 - In a corridor on some upper deck, all is calm. Suddenly, the red alert klaxons go off and crew spring from their quarters into the hallways.

Tener (voiceover) - Alert. Alert. Set condition one throughout the ship. All hands to battlestations. This is a drill, repeat, this is a drill!

Some dramatic music plays in the background as the camera follows three no-name yellow-shirts as they march down the hall. They stop at a weapons locker and one tries to open it.

Computer - Access denied.

No-Name #3 - Uh...

He tries a different code.

Computer - Access denied.

No-Name #3 - Hmm... let’s try the next one.

They run down the corridor a ways until they reach another weapons locker. However, another security team has beat them to it.

No-Name #4 - Beat it, we got here first.

No-Name #3 - I don’t see your name on it.

No-Name #3 and his two colleagues reach for phaser rifles but No-Name #4 and his posse shove them out of the way.

No-Name #4 - Maybe you didn’t hear, I said beat it! This here is our turf, and you’re trespassing.

No-Name #3 - Dude, just give us our weapons!

No-Name #4 - You want them, you have to get through us.

No-Name #3 - Alright then...

He winds up and punches No-Name #4 square in the nose. The other no-names all start fighting each other too. Eventually one grabs a phaser and shoots another. The camera goes to the bridge.

Casey - Phaser fire on, like, deck 9.

Tener (sigh) - Not again.

Righteous and Senseless walk onto the bridge.

Senseless - How are the drills going?

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

No-Name #5 (comm) - Torpedo Control to bridge, um, we, uh, had a bit of an accident down here. Requesting immediate medical assistance. Um... better send a damage control team down here too.

Tener - Not well.

Senseless and Righteous go into the Ready Room and turn to face the monitor.

Senseless - Computer, open a channel to Fleet Admiral Spot, Spacedock, priority one communication protocol.

Beep! Fleet Admiral Spot appears on the screen.

Spot - How many times have I told you? I’m not in charge of you idiots anymore. Call Admiral Nelix.

The channel cuts.

Senseless - Computer, open channel to Jupiter Station, priority one communication protocol.

Beep! Admiral Nelix appears on the screen.

Nelix - How many people did you piss off this time?

Righteous - The entire Tholian Assembly, apparently.

Nelix (shaking his head) - How the hell did you manage to do that? You’re supposed to be doing a standard scientific survey in the Embraliee sector, a good hundred light-years from Tholian space.

Senselses - We were, until a Federation courier ship came flying in blaring a distress call. When we got there they were under attack by Tholians. We tried to assist but their warp core blew and we couldn’t get them out. Before they died, they gave us a kitten. Said something about it being our only hope, and the Tholians want her really badly. We’ve hidden in a nebula but they’ve pulled nearly their entire space fleet into Federation space and are surrounding us.

Nelix - A kitten?

Righteous - Yep! She’s really cute and cuddly, which is really nice... um... not that you’re not cute... or cuddly... just... old... er. And meaner.

Nelix - What in the name of all that is furry did that kitten do to piss off the entire Tholian Assembly?

Senseless - I don’t think she pissed them off. They seem quite intent on getting her alive, or else they’d have blown up the nebula or something already.

Nelix - What was a Federation courier doing in Tholian territory anyway?

Senseless - That’s... where it gets weird. Turns out they actually came from the galaxy M101. We don’t know how, all we know is that the last leg of their journey took them through Tholian space.

Nelix - M101? Isn’t that... oh, you have got to be kidding me!!!

Senseless - Sir?

Nelix - Contact Spot. Tell her “the package has arrived.” She’ll know what that means.

Beep! The channel cuts before Righteous can say something stupid, but of course it doesn’t stop him.

Righteous - But Admiral Spot said to talk to you! Hello?

Senseless - Computer, open a channel to the Spacedock, using priority blah blah, you know the drill.

Beep! Admiral Spot appears on the screen.

Spot - What did I just tell you!?!

Senseless - Admiral Nelix says to tell you “the package has arrived.”

Spot’s face goes to kitty-neutral and she shakes her head a bit.

Spot - So soon?

Senseless - What?

Spot - I mean, I know it was shipped with FedEx but I was expecting at least another month of border delays.

Senseless and Righteous just look at each other.

Spot - I take it you have this package with you now?

Righteous - We have a fluffy kitten. She’s really cute.

Spot - A kitten you say? Hmm... has she told you anything?

Senseless - Hasn’t said a word yet.

Spot - Alright, here’s my direct orders: Get this kitten to the spacedock as fast as you can. You’re authorized to violate every rule in the book to do so, not that I need to tell you guys that since you’d do it anyway.

Senseless - We’ve got a bit of a problem. The Tholians are blockading us.

Spot - So? You’re a fricking warship, it’ll be like stomping spiders! We gave you idiots tricobalt torpedoes for a reason! Oh, and if you lose that kitten, you’d better hope you die with her, because it will be far less cruel then the punishment I will put you through. Ancient Chinese torture methods will seem like spa treatments by comparison! Do not, I repeat do not fuck this up!

Spot hits her comm-off button so hard the screen explodes.

Righteous - That went well. At least the screen didn’t fall out this time.

Dramatic music plays as the two leave the room.

Scene 9 - Bridge. Senseless and Genocide walk out. The rest of the bridge staff are already present.

Senseless - Genocide, raise shields and arm all weapons. Mr. Baque, take us out of the nebula, full impulse. As soon as we’re clear, set a course for Earth and take us to maximum warp. Think you can manage that?

Baque - Dude, considering the number of times we’ve headed back to Earth at maximum warp, I’ve got a hotkey binding for it on my console.

He hits a single button and the Celestial jerks forward. The camera goes to a Tholian ship outside the nebula. On the viewscreen, the Celestial is seen emerging from the nebula.

Tholian #1 - (There they are! Disable them!)

It is the last order he ever gives. The Celestial fires a tricobalt torpedo at the lead ship and it blows up real good, taking three nearby ships with it. The camera watches as the Celestial unleashes everything it has at any Tholian ship in range. Being weak and pathetic, they pretty much explode in a single shot. They do, however, manage to open fire on the Federation ship. On the bridge...

Genocide - Woo hoo! This is fun!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Baque - We’ve cleared the nebula, taking us to warp.

The ship jumps to high warp and the Tholians follow.

Genocide - Buggers don’t take a hint. Unloading aft torpedo bays.

A few more Tholian ships bite the dust.

Puker (comm) - Sickbay to Bridge, Captain, Commander, you’d better get down here.

Senseless - On our way. Genocide, you have the conn. Keep doing... whatever it is you’re doing.

Genocide (saluting) - With pleasure, sir!

Senseless and Righteous leave the bridge, as more ominous music plays.

Scene 10 - Sickbay. Tener, Puker, and Blavik are present and standing around the biobed. On said bed is the kitten and a dead mouse. Senseless and Righteous walk in.

Senseless - Report.

Tener - She caught that mouse that was running around, sir.

Senseless - That’s what you called me down here for?

The kitten starts to speak with a cutesy, Slavic accent.

Kitten - I made you a cookie, but I eated it, so I find you a mouse instead.

Senseless - Oh, you can talk now.

The kitten suddenly curls into a ball and shuts her eyes tightly.

Senseless - Um...

Puker - Yeah, she does that from time to time.

Slowly the kitten opens one eye and looks around. Then it uncurls and looks directly at the officers.

Kitten - They’re coming...

Righteous - Who, the Tholians?

Kitten - Our enemy...

Righteous - Pah-Wraiths?

Kitten - They are your reflection, mirrored back at you darkly. Same quest, different method.

Righteous - Definitely sounds like the Pah-Wraiths.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Senseless - Who are “they”?

Kitten - They can not be stopped. You must run.

Righteous - Okay, not the Pah-Wraiths then. Stopping them is usually easy as pie.

Senseless - Your enemy... our reflection... oh! Oh no...

Puker - Commander?

Senseless - I hope I’m wrong, but it will have to wait. We need to get to the bridge before the Tholians blow up the ship.

Scene 11 - Bridge. The Tholian ships are still firing on the Celestial. Senseless, Tener, and Righteous walk on.

Senseless - Casey, hail the Tholians.

Casey - ...Like, no response.

Senseless - Just open a channel then.

Casey - Beep!

Baque - Ensign, what the hell did I say to you about narrating the sounds your console makes?

Casey - Like, sorry, sir.

Sa’lol - Shut up, the channel is open!

Genocide - Pbbt, who cares, I say we keep blasting till us or them are dead.

Senseless - Shut up, all of you! Tholian fleet! We know why you’re chasing us!

Righteous - We do?

Senseless elbows him in the ribs.

Righteous - Oof, what did I do? All I said asked is do we actually know?

Senseless - Correction, I know why you’re following us.

Tener - I think I’m beginning to as well.

Senseless - Damn, so I’m not crazy. I was actually hoping I was. Anyway, you people are mistaken. You believe your only hope of survival is to know all the cat’s secrets, but you’re wrong. Her people sent her because they themselves couldn’t stop the dark force that’s approaching. They’re a dying race, but they felt obligated to warn our galaxy.

Righteous - Someone want to fill me in?

Tener - Later, sir.

Senseless - Tholian fleet, you can’t hope to possibly defeat the invasion, even if you manage to reverse engineer the all the technology that the cat might know about. Your only hope is to ally with us. If we work together, we have a chance.

Righteous - Yeah, remember that old saying, united we stand, divided we fall?

Genocide - Well... they’ve stopped firing. Fancy that.

Senseless - We are transferring the kitten to our capital planet. You are welcome to send ambassadors to Earth as well. In fact, I highly encourage it. We’re going to need your help. If you continue to attack us, you know you will destroy the Celestial, and then we’re all doomed. What say you?

Genocide (muttering under his breath) - Destroy the Celestial, my ass...

The camera watches as the Tholian fleet one by one drops out of warp, turns around, and heads the other way.

Genocide - Well... I’ll be damned. We’re, and they’re, still in one piece. The latter totally ruined my day...

Righteous - Hooray! Now, how about telling me why that worked?

Senseless - Do you remember how the Borg referred to our friend Mittens as Species 001?

Tener - Yeah, and then he told us that they created the Borg.

Sa’lol - And he said they could easily defeat them. I still don’t follow, sir.

Senseless - Something has been bugging me for months now. Do you recall how many times various cats have made grandiose claims that have no proof whatsoever and are often times discounted by hard science?

Sa’lol - Like them having influenced racing for millennia, like them having built the pyramids and having been seeded on Earth 5000 years ago?

Baque - Yeah, I never fully bought that. I might buy that cats once developed technology far superior to humans and left the planet eons ago for another galaxy, but I don’t buy the “distant origin” theory they’re trying to tell us. Too much genetic evidence to the contrary.

Genocide - Cats are so full of themselves...

Senseless - Exactly. How do we know that felines really created the Borg as a litter-box cleaning army?

Tener - But the Borg Queen said

Senseless - What if cats were simply the first species the Borg ran into? Remember this: Zero is a number just like any other. What if the Borg themselves are species zero and cats were simply the first race they ran into?

Sa’lol - Yeah, like how 4.5 billion years ago there was really only one sentient race in our galaxy, humanoids who seeded Earth, Vulcan, Bajor, etc. Maybe the Borg came from a galaxy where they were the first race to evolve. If they conquered their entire galaxy, they might never have met another sentient race.

Senseless - Until the felines, with their hyperspace-folding FTL drive came along.

Righteous - But if the kitties didn’t make the Borg, why did Mittens say—

Baque - Because Mittens is full of shit? Or maybe he just doesn’t know any better.

Casey - So, like, you’re saying that, like, the Borg in our galaxy came from, like, somewhere else?

Senseless - Yeah, maybe a long range probe got caught in an unstable wormhole, or maybe it was an attempt to assimilate other galaxies, but the invasion force lost contact with the Collective. Who knows.

Sa’lol - If you’re right, it would explain how the zomborg got such a high level of technology so fast. But it also means a full scale invasion could be on its way right now...

Senseless - Exactly. That’s why we need to unite the entire galaxy, if possible. Only a combined force of galactic magnitude could possibly hope to stop an enemy so powerful that it makes cats run and hide.

Righteous - We’re fighting dogs?

Baque - No you idiot, the Borg Collective’s big brother is coming to wipe us out! In other news, we’re approaching the Spacedock.

Senseless - Take us out of warp. Park us in the main hanger.

Baque - Yep, on it.


Baque - We’re in.

Spot appears on the screen.

Spot - I figured from that loud scraping noise that you’d made it back. Beam the kitten to my office. Spot out.

Senseless - Casey, do it.

Genocide - Now what?

Senseless - Now we play the waiting game.

Righteous - Ooh! I love that game! Here, I’ll go first.

He shuts up and sits still, twiddling his thumbs. After a few seconds:

Righteous - This is a stupid game...

The scene fades out, then back in. The words “One Hour Later” scroll across the screen. Righteous is fast asleep, Genocide is playing Russian Roulette with some no-names, Sa’lol is playing Pong against Casey, Puker is operating on Tener who has a splinter, Blavik and Garell are arguing about something stupid, and Senseless is drumming his fingers against his armrest. Baque is having a grand time flying the Celestial around the inside of the Spacedock as fast as it will go. Suddenly Admiral Spot, looking very pissed, appears on the screen.

Spot - Damn it!

Righteous bolts awake, Genocide drops his phaser which goes off and shoots Casey’s console, which overloads Sa’lol’s as well. Puker slips and accidentally slices open one of Tener’s arteries, and Baque does a hard left and crashes into the core of the Spacedock’s docking bay.

Spot - God damn it!

Righteous - Ah, ma’am! So good of you to call! What’s up?

Spot - We’ve got less than a year until we’re all royally boned!

The channel cuts and the viewscreen goes back to showing the twisted metal the ship has wedged itself into.

Righteous - Sheesh, this is the thanks we get for ferrying kittens around? Death threats?

Garell - What are you talking about, she didn’t threaten us—

The channel opens again and Spot appears on the screen.

Spot - And don’t even think about going AWOL and leaving the galaxy, or so help me I’ll track you down and eviscerate you all with my bare claws!

The channel cuts again.

Righteous - I rest my case...

The camera pans up and out of the skylight on the bridge (oh so that’s what it’s for!) and out of the spacedock, while ominous, dramatic music plays in the background.

Tener - Where the hell does that music keep coming from?

The End