Episode 67: “The Guardian of Never”

Written by Swordtail

Published September 26, 2008

This episode is dedicated to I.K.E., who helped me confirm that the universe does indeed have a fucked-up sense of humour, and that if you don’t know how to handle its jokes, it will destroy you. She’s also the reason this episode was started two months late.

Scene 1 - The USS Celestial is parked in orbit around a strange barren-looking world.

Captain Righteous (voiceover) - Captain’s log, stardate 60247.9. We’ve found an energy signature on an apparently lifeless world. At least, that’s what the nice news lady told me this morning as I ate my bowl of porridge. I was as shocked as she pretended to be. Nonetheless, I took the news in stride and managed to keep a good third of the porridge that was in my mouth off of the wall monitor this time, instead of losing it all like usual. Admiral Spot didn’t seem to appreciate all the trouble I went through for her when she called later on, but she’s impossible to please.

The camera collides with the back of the Celestial, robbing it of enough momentum to cause it to lose orbit and plummet through the atmosphere and crash into the ground (the camera, not the ship). The dust clears and the camera is looking at a landing party consisting of Commander Senseless, Lieutenant Sa’lol, Lieutenant Tener, Ensign Casey, and a bunch of dime-a-dozen no-name security guards.

Sa’lol - Da hell was that? Sounded like a meteor.

Senseless - Who cares? Now, could someone please tell me what this is?

The camera shakily pans to where Senseless is looking, and sees a funky shaped deformed ring of stone.

Sa’lol - It’s the source of our energy readings.

Tener - Gee, you think? The only artificial thing on the planet?

Sa’lol - Well, we had to be sure, idiot.

Casey - Like, it looks like the Guardian of Forever.

No-Name #1 - The what?

Casey - It was, like, this, like, time portal thingy from the Original Series.

No-Name #1 - Oh. Time portal?

Tener - That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

Senseless - Well, sounds like the logical thing would be to rip it out of the ground and take it back to the ship for analysis. I say that because frankly I’m tired of walking around a barren wind-swept planet looking for weak energy readings which mess with our tricorders and causes me to get shitty reception on my iPod’s radio.

Sa’lol - Sounds logical to me. I’ll set up some transport enhancers.

While Sa’lol and the no-names start messing with things beyond their comprehension, Casey casually strolls over to Tener.

Casey - Hello, Lieutenant.

Tener - (sigh) What do you want now?

Casey - You know that formal dance coming up for the junior officers and crew?

Tener - ...What about it?

Casey - Well since going alone would look so uncool, I was wondering if you’d, like, accompany me.

Tener - No.

Casey (pouting) - Like, why not!?!

Tener - Because I don’t like you.

Casey - That’s no excuse.

Tener just rolls his eyes.

Casey - Come on! It’ll be fun! Why don’t you want to go with me?

Tener - Because it sounds like a date.

Casey - Like, so?

Tener - I made it my lifelong goal to never date you unless you were the last human female in the galaxy and we had a responsibility to repopulate the species. Then, and only then, would I even consider dating you, just to confirm my hypothesis that extinction is a far better option than having you as the mother of the entire human race.

Casey - I know you don’t mean that, sir. Pick me up at my quarters at 20:00 next Thursday.

Before Tener can retort, Casey skips away. Meanwhile, Sa’lol is finishing up with the transport enhancers and activates them. They make a humming sound, which wakes up the ring.

Stone Ring - Huh?

Everyone jumps back.

Stone Ring - Huh? What time is it? ...Oh man! I overslept! By five billion years! Damn it!

Senseless - Who is that?

Stone Ring - Oh... people! Welcome! I am the Guardian of Never!

Casey - Like, I told you!

Tener - It said “Never” you twit.

Guardian of Never - I have been asleep since before your sun burned in space. I have watched countless civilizations rise and fall and rise again. I use the past to project the future, to a fairly high degree of accuracy, accurate to 95%, 19 times out of 20. Please do not count blades of grass, as it’s nearly impossible to ever get that right.

Senseless - Project the future?

Guardian - Observe! Your galaxy’s future!

The ring of stone activates and a time portal forms in the centre. Through the portal can be seen various events, zooming by really fast.

Senseless - Well, that makes this real easy then. Temporal Prime Directive. Everyone head back to the beam-down site.

Guardian of Never - Wait! I know of your plight! I have seen how it will end!

Tener - What, you mean our stupid quest to seek out allies in our pointless fight against a far-superior enemy hell-bent on assimilating us?

Guardian - Yeah. That thing.

Tener - Oh, this oughta be good. Commander, if he says we’re boned, can we please just leave the galaxy?

Senseless - Admiral Spot would kill us.

Casey - Um, like, what does happen?

Senseless - Ensign! Temporal Prime Directive!

Casey - I, like, skipped that class in my Temporal Mechanics course at the Academy!

Senseless - Do I dare ask why the professor didn’t flunk you for missing it?

Casey - Um, like, you probably don’t want to know.

Guardian - I am looking into your future, to the galaxy as you will know it. There! Observe!

Casey - Like, where, I don’t see it.

Casey edges close to the portal, which is now just a pool of swirling colours.

Sa’lol - James, go grab her before she falls through.

Tener rolls his eyes and walks up to Casey, who has her face centimetres from the surface of the portal.

Casey - Like, I don’t see any lottery numbers, or whatever.

Tener - Casey, as interesting as I’m sure this isn’t, it’s just a dumb rock that can twist the universe around itself and look through time and space.

Sa’lol’s tricorder starts freaking out.

Sa’lol - Woah, power surge.

Guardian - Sorry, I need to... sneeze... AH-CHOO!

A plume of energy shoots out of the portal and engulfs Tener and Casey. When it dissipates, there is no sign of the two officers.

Guardian - Oh damn, I did it again... sorry!

Senseless - Where did they go!? Bring them back!?

Guardian - I can’t. I can only send people in the future. The Guardian of Forever is the only one who can bring them back.

Senseless - Where did you send them?

Guardian - Earth, exactly one year in your future.

The camera zooms across the quadrant and a year into the future, to some alleyway on Earth. A portal opens and Tener and Casey are thrown out into the wall. Three hooded figures quickly swoop in and grab them.

Tener - Ow!

Casey - Ouch damn it! Hey!

Hooded Figure #1 - Stay quiet if you value your individuality!

Tener - Who are you?

The figure removes her hood, revealing herself to be a Ktarian.

Ktarian - I’m Eemoala. You’re among friends, but it’s not safe here. The Borg are sure to have detected the anomaly. A squad of drones could beam in at any second.

Eemoala and the other two hooded figures strap devices to Casey and Tener’s arms and rush them out of the alleyway, just in time. Four Borg drones materialize in the alleyway right where they had previously been standing and start scanning the area.

Tener - What the hell is going on? Where are we?

Eemoala - Earth. Downtown San Francisco, to be exact.

Tener - Why would there be Borg in San Francisco... unless... oh, no.

Eemoala - I’m afraid you’re right. The entire Federation has been assimilated. The entire galaxy, actually. In fact, unless there are more in hiding, you two may be the last humans in the universe.

The music goes dramatic and the camera moves upward. It goes up so high the entire city can be seen. The diverse skyline of San Francisco has been replaced by standardized dark monolithic Borg structures, which stretch kilometres into the sky and are laid out more or less in an orderly fashion for as far as the camera can see. Borg ships can be seen being constructed in some kind of shipyard where the Golden Gate Bridge once stood, and the ocean is gone. The entire planet has been assimilated (like you couldn’t already figure that out).

Casey - Woo hoo! I’m going to the formal dance with Lieutenant Tener!

Tener - Fuck!

Opening credits. Better late than never.

The camera is in a bunker somewhere. The whole room is covered in dust and illuminated by a single lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. Several tables and chairs are sitting around the room, while a fusion generator hums away in the corner, apparently powering some advanced equipment, which looks Starfleet in origin. Tener and Casey are sitting at two of the chairs, still wearing their cloaks. Seven other beings, including Eemoala, are scattered around the room. They’re all from Federation species, including Andorians, Bolians, a Vulcan and another Ktarian. Eemoala hands Tener and Casey a mug of some steaming something-or-other, which they both sip and then start gagging on.

Tener - What the heck is this?

Eemoala - It’s all we have. I think it’s supposed to be coffee, but the original attack blew out the entire planetary replicator menu database so we can’t be sure.

Casey - Like, it tastes like Red Bull.

Bolian #1 - Oh, no wonder it never works...

Tener - So start at the beginning: The last thing we remember is we were on a planet half-way between here and the Galactic Core. Next thing I know, this ring of rock starts talking weird and then it sneezes and we get deposited in this nightmare.

Andorian #1 - That’s all we know too. The Guardian of Never told your crew mates where you had been sent, but with no way to get you back, and only a year lost, they eventually decided to continue on their mission.

Tener - Oh, that is so lame...

Casey - So, like, what happened? Why is everyone assimilated, or whatever?

Eemoala - About nine months ago, a massive energy vortex opened just on the edge of Federation space. Starfleet moved every ship it could muster to intercept. We don’t know anything more than that. All we know is one moment Fleet Admiral Spot was telling all ships to fire at will, and the next the channel cut. We lost all telemetry from that sector. The Vulcan Science Academy sent a research ship to investigate, but all they found were some inert masses of metal. Our best guess is the entire fleet was wiped out. No survivors.

Andorian #1 - A week later, the Federation Council ordered every ship in range to evacuate the galaxy as fast as possible. Seconds later, they were assimilated.

Bolian #1 - A few of us got our hands on some biodampeners and have managed to remain hidden from the Collective for the last nine months. At first there were millions of us, but now our numbers have dwindled to just a few hundred.

Tener - And what happened to the Celestial? Were they part of that fleet that engaged the Borg invasion?

Eemoala - No... in fact, they never made it back from their mission. Somehow, and we’re not sure how, they got caught in the Core Explosion shockwave and were destroyed.

Tener - Oh, I’ll believe that. That idiot Lieutenant-Commander Baque never checks the map.

Casey - So, like, why did you, like, go through so much trouble to save us?

Eemoala - Because, my dear, you two are going to help us...

She reaches into a nearby crate and pulls out a medium sized cylindrical device with flashing lights all over it.

Eemoala - ...To destroy the Hive Mind and cripple the Collective long enough for the Xyranites to attack.

Casey (staring at the cylinder) - Um... I don’t, like, get it.

Eemoala - It’s a light-weight, portable hair-care product... also known as a matter inversion bomb.

Tener spits most of his Red Bull out and then starts choking on the rest.

Scene 3 - Somewhere on Earth, a bunch of Borg drones fly past on a bus-like thing, complaining about how cramped it is. Once it has passed, Tener, Eemoala, and Andorian #1, all wearing dark cloaks, emerge from the shadows.

Tener - You’d think Borg would be able to see in the dark and all.

Eemoala - Well, for the sake of plot, let’s assume they forgot about that for today.

Tener taps the side of his head.

Tener - Casey, do you still hear me?

The camera goes back to the bunker, where Casey is sitting in front of a screen, wearing a headset.

Casey - Like, loud and clear, sir.

Tener (comm) - How much further to the central plexus?

Casey - Um... you have to go right, left, another right, take the high road, then the low road, then get past the fire breathing dragon, then—

Tener (comm) - You have no idea, do you?

Camera goes back to Tener. There is a long pause.

Casey (comm) - Um... like, no.

Tener - Alright, let’s just head for that big building labelled “Central Plexus” and hope for the best.

The three of them take off in the direction of a tall spire-like thing.

Scene 4 - A year earlier and several thousand light-years away, the crew of the USS Celestial are studying the Guardian of Never and yelling at it. It, however, has apparently gone back to sleep and isn’t replying.

Senseless - Hey! You! Big... stone... thing! Bring back our comrades!

No response.

Righteous - Yoohoo! Mr. Never-Guardian-of, if you bring back funny girl and guy I promoted for no good reason, I’ll give you a cookie!

Still no response. Righteous takes out a cookie and starts waving it in front of the stone ring.

Righteous - Yummm, cookies!

Sa’lol - I’m not detecting any energy signatures coming from it.

Genocide - I know what to do! Let’s phaser it!

He resets his phaser to full power and fires at the ring. The energy arcs away from it and vaporizes a no-name.

Genocide - Damn it, let me try again.

He changes his aim and fires again, but the beam once again arcs away from the ring and kills another no-name.

Genocide - Fine, I’ll just walk away...

Genocide turns away, casually waving his phaser in the air and walks away from the ring, whistling.

No-Name #2 - Oh no, I’m not falling for this.

He runs away and hides behind a rock. Genocide suddenly spins around and fires at the ring, but the beam arcs away, flies across the ground and somehow gets behind the rock and kills No-Name #2 just because it can.

Genocide - Fucking fuck son of a fuck!

He runs and kicks the ring, which just results in a broken toe.

Genocide - Ow!

Senseless (tapping his combadge) - Away team to Sickbay, beam Lieutenant-Commander Genocide up there... again.

As Genocide is beamed away, Senseless turns to the rest of the group. Sa’lol, Garell, Righteous, Puker, and the few remaining no-names are busy trying to attach various devices to the ring, or tempt it with a cookie in the captain’s case.

Righteous - This is so typical of them to run off and have an adventure without me! Well, I hope they’re enjoying themselves because when they get back I’m putting them both to work doing whatever it is on my ship people don’t like doing.

Garell - You mean taking orders from you?

Righteous - Yeah! I’m going to give them orders! And they’re going to follow them!

Garell - Don’t hold your breath...

Righteous - ...You’re in a bad mood today.

Scene 5 - Back on the dark streets of what used to be Earth, Tener, Eemoala, and that idiot Andorian are walking through the alleys making their way towards the Central Plexus. Tener tries to make idle conversation to kill time.

Tener - So what did you do before this all happened?

Eemoala - I was a planetologist on an expedition when the invasion came. Our vessel stupidly tried to engage a Borg ship and was nearly destroyed. Those of us that lived knew that survival, not revenge, was our only viable option. We got the biodampeners and special devices to hide from the Borg and shared the technology with other resistance groups. Lately, however, they’ve become more vigilant in their pursuit of us. We think something big is up.

Casey (comm) - Like, something bigger than, like, assimilating the entire, like, Milky Way?

Tener - How did you get an inversion bomb?

Andorian #1 - It was scavenged from Qo’noS, after the Klingons disabled it at the end of Chester’s failed take-over attempt. We acquired it a few days ago from some smugglers, who we then had to kill to prevent their knowledge from being assimilated.

Tener - Oh fun. By the way, once we set this thing off, how do we get out of there?

Andorian #1 - Don’t worry. We have a ship in orbit.

They finally reach the main door. Tener goes up and knocks on it.

Eemoala - I thought the plan was to blow it open with explosives?

Tener - Watch and learn.

The door opens and two drones walk out and look around. Tener, the Andorian, and a very impressed Eemoala sneak in behind them. The two drones finish their sensor sweeps and turn to each other, exchanging a telepathic conversation.

Drone #1 - (See? We told you you need to get your acoustic subprocessor looked at.)

Drone #2 - (Ahhh...maybe you’re right.)

They stand still for a long moment.

Drone #2 - (Hey, check out that new drone we just assimilated into Unimatrix 14. Is she hot or what?)

Meanwhile, Tener, Eemoala, and Andorian #1 are moving silently through the disorganized Borg corridors. They reach a control panel, where the two future-people start fiddling with it while Tener stands there holding the bomb.

Eemoala - Run the decryption algorithm.

Andorian #1 - I’ve got the data.

Eemoala pulls out a tricorder and reads it for a bit.

Eemoala - It’s worse than we thought. We have to get this information to the Xyranites. James, set the bomb.

Tener hits the “really bad hair day” button and then shoves it under some wiring as it starts to hum and charge up. Eemoala taps a communication device.

Eemoala - Eemoala to Halfass, beam us all out.

Before Tener can scream in terror, a transporter beam dematerializes him and Eemoala and deposits them inside the USS Halfass’ cramped and dirty transporter room. Bolian #1 is working the controls and motions them to get off the platform.

Bolian #1 - Hurry up! I have to bring the rest of you guys up two at a time!

Tener - For fuck’s sake, how the hell did this ship survive?

Eemoala - The Borg considered it to not be a threat and ignored it. We installed multi-adaptive shielding to cloak us from the Collective and have been using it to move about ever since.

Casey and Andorian #1 are beamed aboard.

Casey - Like, where are we now?

Tener - We’re in a nightmare within a nightmare. Can we just self destruct the ship now and put an end to our misery?

Eemoala - No, even if the self destruct system worked, we have a duty to aid the Xyranites in their war against the Borg. They’ve promised to help us if we help them.

Tener - Where did they end up going, anyway?

Eemoala - They set up in the Sagittarius galaxy, just outside our own. But now the Borg are starting to move into the rest of the Local Group. We think it’s only a matter of time before they invade the Andromeda Galaxy.

Casey - Um... like, this might be a, like, stupid question...

Tener - There are no stupid questions, Casey, just stupid people.

Casey - Thanks sir. Um, how did the Borg get into our galaxy so easily? You said they, like, came in right in, like, Federation space?

Eemoala - Some kind of artificial wormhole was opened from their home galaxy. It’s still open but they’ve set up a powerful sensor grid around it so we can’t get close enough to determine how to close it.

Casey - But, like, the energy needed to, like, open an intergalactic wormhole would, like, be... let’s see... carry the four... divide by the speed of light squared... multiply by pi... a really really big bunch of power!

Eemoala - Not only that but every Borg ship, every planet, every drone is being powered by energy streaming out of that wormhole. Whatever they have on the other side would make deuterium barons wet themselves in intimidation.

Suddenly, the ship shakes and the lights flicker.

Tener - What was that?

Eemoala - Hopefully Earth exploding.

Tener - Oh right, I almost forgot about that.

They all walk out and go onto the bridge. On the viewscreen is the Earth, still intact, but with a massive crater visible on the West Coast of North America.

Casey - Like, it looks like, the, like, Death, like, Star!

Eemoala (To Tener, waving her hand at Casey) - Is she always like this?

Tener - Usually she’s worse.

Casey - Oh! Score! Buttons!

She runs over to the Ops console and starts messing with the controls.

Bolian #1 - That bomb should have destroyed the entire planet, I don’t know what went wrong.

Tener - Faulty craftsmanship, I imagine. The one we built blew up an entire solar system!

Andorian #1 - Well, the central plexus is toast, that should piss them off at least, as well as throw this entire sector into chaos.

Sure enough, Casey’s console starts beeping.

Casey - Um, like, it says here a Borg cube is on an intercept course.

The comm system suddenly activates.

Borg (comm) - We are the Borg. You know the drill.

The Cube locks a tractor beam on the Halfass and starts pulling it inside.

Bolian #1 - I don’t know how, but they can see through our cloak!

Andorian #1 - They must have looked out a window!

Tener - Give me weapons control.

Tener runs over to the tactical station and fires the Halfass’s weapons. The camera watches as streaks of Romulan disruptor fire lash out from the tiny starship at the massive Cube, doing, as expected, absolutely no damage.

Tener - Try inverting our shield frequency!

Bolian #1 - What shields!?!

Tener - Fine, polarize the hull and then invert the electromagnetic frequency.

Bolian (hitting some buttons) - No effect.

Casey - Like, try flipping the switch really fast!

Tener - What the heck will that accomplish?

Casey - I dunno, but if you, like, invert the colours in Paintbrush really fast, you get seizures!

Bolian #1 (shrugging) - Meh, can’t hurt to try.

The camera watches as the Halfass miraculously disrupts the Borg tractor beam long enough to break free.

Andorian #1 - It worked! We’re free, but we fried our hull-polarizer.

Eemoala - You mean the twelve-volt battery whose terminals are hooked up to opposite ends of the ship?

Andorian #1 - Well, if you want to get technical...

Casey - Um, like, they’re, like chasing us.

Eemoala - Hey, let me take the helm, I’ll take us into the ejecta cloud. Maybe we can lose them in the radiation.

The small ship flies into the cloud of rock which was blown off the face of the Earth by the explosion. The cube tries to follow, but is struck by numerous boulders and drops back. On the Halfass’s bridge, the crew breathe a sigh of relief.

Eemoala - That was close. Get the cloak back online and remodulate our shield frequencies.

Bolian #1 - I say it again... what shields!?!

Eemoala - Just find a way for us to not be killed.

Casey - Hey, like, why don’t James and I just, like, go back in, like, time and change, like, history and stuff?

Andorian #1 - How?

Casey - Well, like, we could go find the Guardian of Forever.

Andorian #1 - Destroyed.

Casey - We could, like, do a warp slingshot around the sun.

Andorian #1 - Too many Borg ships, we couldn’t even get close.

Casey - Any temporal, like, anomalies nearby?

Andorian #1 - Nope.

Tener - If we could just figure out a way to get that damned targ to appear we could use him to jump back through time, probably.

Eemoala - We don’t have the technology to summon targs from out of nowhere.

Andorian #1 - I’ve got our cloak back. We can go now.

Eemoala - Good. I’m laying in a course for the rendevous coordinates, warp 7.

The camera watches as the Halfass, visible to everyone except the Borg for some stupid reason, leaves the debris field and barely manages to jump to warp.

Eemoala - It’ll take a few hours to reach the Xyranite task group, so I’m going to go examine the data we recovered. Lieutenant, would you like to assist me?

Tener - Sure!

Eemoala and Tener leave the bridge. Casey looks around at the two no-names left there.

Casey - Mannnn... I’m bored now.

Scene 6 - Hours later, Casey, staring off into the viewscreen, jolts alert as her console starts beeping. She hits some buttons and then taps her combadge.

Casey - Ensign Casey to Lieutenant Tener.

Tener (comm) - What the hell do you want? It’s the middle of the night!

Casey - Um, like, it’s actually noon.

Tener (comm) - What?!?

The sounds of someone quickly trying to get out of bed, followed by a thump, then an “ow” are heard through the commbadge.

Casey - Um, like, we’re approaching the coordinates.

Tener (comm) - Just a second. What? No, it’s noon time! Yeah the lights must have burnt out. I don’t know how to set the damned alarm clock, I thought you did it!

Casey - Um... is Eemoala there with you?

Long pause.

Tener (comm) - ...Um... No?

Casey just rolls her eyes.

Casey - Like, both of you better get to the bridge. Casey out.

Casey taps her commbadge again and then turns back to her console.

Casey (to herself) - ...Knew her for only about 24 hours. Captain Kirk would be proud.

Scene 7 - The USS Halfass drops out of warp and moves up alongside a large starship of Xyranite design. (Remember Episode 44?) Several other similar ships are nearby moving along side it. The Xyranite ship opens a hatch and the Halfass flies inside, accidentally striking the side and breaking off part of the saucer section. The camera goes to the bridge of the Xyranite ship, where Tener and Eemoala, smiling coyly at each other, and Casey, looking slightly put off, materialize in a unfamiliar transporter beam. The Xyranite captain turns to greet them.

Xyranite Captain - Welcome to our nameless ship. It’s nameless because it’ll probably be destroyed soon, so why bother going through the trouble of a proper naming ceremony?

Eemoala - Thanks for picking us up. My assistants should already have transmitted you the data we recovered from the Central Plexus on Earth before it was destroyed.

Xyranite Captain - Yes, we’ve looked over it. It does present quite a problem.

Casey - Um... like, for those of us not blessed with having, like, read that data... could, like someone translate?

Eemoala - The Borg are preparing to launch a full-scale invasion of the Local Group. They’re grouping ships together and plan to open a wormhole directly into the Andromeda Galaxy. Other fleets are already moving towards the Large and Small Magellanic Clouds and towards the Sagittarius galaxy.

Xyranite Captain - There’s nothing we can do to stop them if they manage to assimilate another entire galaxy, especially one as big as Andromeda.

Casey - Like, just how many, like, galaxies have they, like, assimilated?

Eemoala - We can’t be sure, but we know they’ve been spreading across the universe like a plague. They could have millions or perhaps billions of galaxies assimilated already.

Tener - But, thanks to the data the Borg graciously left out in the open for us to find, we now know that all those galaxies are powered by energy being transmitted from their home galaxy. This means that if we can destroy their entry point, we can kill every drone in the Milky Way!

Xyranite Captain - Good. We’re setting a course for the Borg wormhole.

He hits a button on his console.

Xyranite Captain - All hands, battlestations.

Scene 8 - Ships are blowing up real good. The camera is in space as numerous Xyranite and Borg ships battle it out over a huge green wormhole which is spewing even more ships into the galaxy. On the bridge of the nameless ship, consoles are exploding and people are dying. Casey, Tener, and Eemoala are hiding under a door frame while tiles and beams fall from the ceiling.

Xyranite Captain (over the commotion) - Punch us through their lines! Take us into the heart of their formation! Let’s try to get a clear shot at the wormhole!

More Borg weapons hit the Xyranite ship and it rocks and explodes and stuff.

Xyranite #1 - Our engines and weapons systems are offline! Shields are failing! We’re all going to dieeeeee!

Boom! A console blows up and kills Xyranite #1.

Tener (looking at the fires bursting out on the bridge) - Annnnnnd that would be our cue to jump to Plan B.

Eemoala (tapping communicator) - Halfass, beam us out.

Tener and Casey are transported away, followed by Eemoala, as the bridge blows open and everyone is sucked into space.

Xyranite Captain - Tell my family I died on a full stomachhhhhhh.........!

The camera goes to the exploding docking bay, where the Halfass backs out of the blown-open space doors, nicking the side on the way out and redoing the damage that the Xyranites had repaired earlier. The small ship, being ignored, flies out of the battlefield and jumps to warp, as the Borg finish destroying the Xyranite fleet. On the Halfass’s bridge...

Tener - So that didn’t work. Let’s go with plan B. You’re all welcome to come with us.

Andorian #1 - Really?

Tener - No, just Eemoala. You two don’t have names and thus wouldn’t be worth saving.

Andorain #1 - Ahh... fiddlesticks.

Casey - Um, like, in order to, like, control the, like, targ, we’d, like, need a huge, like, tachyon emitter.

Eemoala - The Vorn used to use tachyon emitters in their deflector dishes.

Tener - Are there any Vorn ships still around?

Eemoala - Those that weren’t destroyed fled the galaxy. However, if I recall correctly, the Vr’ischa wasn’t totally destroyed and is actually nearby.

Eemoala takes the helm and adjusts the ship’s course. Moments later (or hours, I really don’t even care anymore), the Halfass drops out of warp and flies through a debris field. The derelict hulk of the massive Vorn flagship, the Vr’ischa, lays ahead, slowly turning in space. Huge holes are blown through its hull and it appears to be powerless.

Tener - Is their deflector still intact?

Bolian #1 - It appears so. I think we can do a power transfer from our warp core and get it online.

Andorian #1 - I’ve set up a containment field to hold the targ here long enough to realign his tachyon matrix and get you guys back to the right point in space and time.

Casey - I’m, like, pressing that button which will start the, like, energy transfer.

The camera suddenly goes to a random Borg ship, where a drone suddenly stops regenerating and starts walking down the corridor.

Hive Mind - Temporal anomaly detected in grid 771251247. Alter course to assimilate.

The cube leaves its position near the Borg wormhole and jumps into transwarp. Back on the Halfass’s bridge, the tachyon emitter has indeed opened a temporal anomaly and Binky the Mistreated targ pops out and hits the side of the containment field holding him there.

Eemoala - It’s working! His tachyon matrix is realigning!

This, however, is obviously a very painful experience for Binky, who starts screaming and running in circles.

Binky - WHEEE!!

Casey’s console starts beeping.

Casey - Um, we’ve got company!

Eemoala goes back to the helm.

Eemoala - Borg cube, right on top of us!

Borg (comm) - We are the Borg. For the last fucking time, you will be assimilated! Stop resisting! It’s futile!

The cube fires a torpedo at the Halfass. The explosion blows half of the saucer section to pieces. On the bridge, everyone is thrown to starboard. Bolian #1 and Andorian #1 are killed as consoles explode and beams fall from the ceiling. The containment field fails and Binky stops being in pain.

Eemoala - He’s not fully charged up! The anomaly won’t be able to handle more than two of us!

Tener - No! Casey, transfer more power to the Vr’ischa’s tachyon emitter!

Casey - Like, the alignment lenses on the bridge are fried! It won’t help even if we, like, had the power!

Tener scans Binky with a tricorder.

Tener - His temporal signature is starting to fluctuate! He’s close to leaving!

Eemoala - You two go, I’ll make sure the rift is destroyed after you’re gone so the Borg can’t follow you.

Tener - How are you going to do that?

Eemoala (solemnly) - The only way I can. By destroying the ship.

Tener - You don’t have to do this, we can still find a way to pull you out. Once we’re back on the Celestial, we can lock the targ in another containment field, use our own tachyon emitters to reopen the rift—

Eemoala - There’s no time!

Tener - I’m not leaving you here!

Suddenly, a temporal portal opens right behind Binky. Before it can suck him in, Casey grabs hold of his tail with one hand and a railing with the other.

Casey - Like, hurry sir! I can’t, like, hold on much longer!


Eemoala sets the helm on automatic evasive manoeuvres and goes up to Tener.

Eemoala - You have to go. You have to save the galaxy.

She takes a data rod out of her pocket and gives it to him.

Eemoala - Here. This contains the coordinates for the invasion point. Maybe you guys will have more luck than we did.

Casey (her grip slipping) - Hurry!

Tener and Eemoala hug and kiss and all that mushy stuff, then she shoves him towards the anomaly.

Tener - I love you!

Eemoala - I love you too!

Binky rolls his eyes.

Eemoala - Go!

Casey lets go of the railing and grabs Tener’s arm, pulling him into the anomaly along with herself and Binky. It closes once they are gone. Eemoala, a solemn expression on her face, returns to the helm. She hits a few buttons, then presses her eyes closed. Out in space, the Halfass, what’s left of it, stops evading the cube and flies straight towards it. The cube fires an energy beam and vapourizes most of the ship, but the remaining parts slam into the side of the Borg ship and do a massive amount of damage.

Scene 9 - Messhall of the Celestial. Tener is sitting looking out the window as the ship warps through space, a tall class of whisky in his hand and a depressed look on his face. Sa’lol enters the room and sits down across from him.

Sa’lol - We buried the Guardian of Never under several hundred tons of rock. It won’t be causing any more problems for anyone. We also transmitted the data you brought back to Starfleet Command.

Tener - Whatever.

Sa’lol - I’m sorry, but we couldn’t keep the targ here long enough to get any useful temporal readings.

Tener (shrugging) - Didn’t think we’d be able to. Now go away.

Sa’lol - Listen, Casey told me what happened. I’m sorry about your loss.

Tener (taking a shot of the whisky) - This is war. We lose people.

Sa’lol (ignoring him) - I fell in love once.

Tener - Don’t care, go away.

Sa’lol - Yeah... turns out she was a Romulan spy trying to infiltrate Starfleet. I don’t even remember the name of the prison she’s being kept in...

Tener - As interesting as your sob story is, it’s not helping.

Sa’lol (getting up to leave) - My point is, this is Star Trek. By next week, you’ll have forgotten all about her!

The End