Episode 69: “The Axle of Evil”
Written by Swordtail
Published March 8, 2009
Scene 1 - The camera is in space as the USS Celestial flies by at impulse. As the ship passes, the camera pans to keep with it until it is looking at the back of the ship. The backdrop of space shows nothing but tens of billions of stars, with a large, swirling vortex in the centre.
Captain Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 60382.2. After making contact with every species we’ve come across and telling them to continue searching for reinforcements for the oncoming epic battle to end all epic battles, and then having them tell us to shove it where the stars don’t shine, we’ve finally reached our final destination: The galactic core.
The camera goes to the bridge, where the entire senior staff are present.
Commander Senseless - Commander, put us into orbit ten lightyears out.
Lieutenant-Commander Baque - Isn’t that kind of close?
Lieutenant Sa’lol - I wouldn’t go any closer. The accretion disk contains a million solar masses of material. We’d be torn to pieces long before the gravity got to us.
Righteous - Is it a black hole? I’ve had nothing but bad luck with those. Ever since my sister saw that one back in—
The ship suddenly screeches to a halt, throwing everyone forward slightly. Everyone on the bridge either stops dead in their tracks or walks into a wall.
Lieutenant-Commander Genocide - You have a sister!?!?
Righteous - Well, yeah, I have a twin sister. Ness. Anyway, as I was saying, ever since she saw that black hole in—
Tener - Woah, woah, woah, woah.... woah. Woah. Woah... back up. Your genetic material isn’t exclusively confined to yourself? There’s another one of you idiots out there?
Righteous - Yes. I remember it like it was tomorrow...
The camera fizzles out and refocuses on the planet Magellis III, 40-some years ago. In a small orphan-house, two kids of about 6 or 7 are fighting with each other.
Righteous (voiceover) - After the Cardassians killed my mother and raped my father, we were sent to an orphanarium to live with other kids. Ness and I never got along very well.
The girl suddenly runs up to one of the adults.
Young Ness - Prylar Monta! Lee threw holy water in my face!
Young Lee - It burned her! She’s a Pah Wraith!
Young Ness - You aren’t supposed to boil it first, you fuck-tard!
The camera goes back to the bridge of the Celestial.
Righteous - So yeah, she saw a black hole one day and then went crazy, saying she wanted to destroy the galaxy.
Genocide - Is she as incompetent as you are?
Righteous - Ah nah, she always got top marks in school, annoying little goodie-two-shoes...
Tener - Well, what are the odds we’d run into her all the way out here?
Everyone else in the room stops and stares at him.
Tener - God damn it...
Opening credits! Back and blue! That made no sense. Good!
Scene 2 - In a evil lair somewhere nearby, a woman who looks an awful lot like Captain Righteous Lee is sitting in a chair at the head of a table, drumming her fingers against it. The camera pans around the table and sees Professor Illogica, that Section 31 agent from the end of season 2, Commander Spliff, Doctor R’lentra, the Pietian leader Lord Poushee, and a couple nameless warlords. Everyone seems to be waiting for something.
Righteous Ness - Where in the name of the Prophets is he?
Commander Spliff - He’s probably sleeping. It’s all he does.
Suddenly the door at the far end of the room opens and Chester the evil cat walks in.
Chester - Sorry I’m late, the line up at Starbucks was really long, and I couldn’t carry my cream latte back with me so I had to drink it there. Now, who are you and why have you summoned us all here?
Ness stands up and walks around the table, slowly.
Ness - My name is of no importance to you at the moment. You can call me Ness if you must.
R’lentra - You look familiar. Aren’t you Bajoran?
Ness - I’ve called you all here because you’re the most evil people I can find. I’ve invited Professor Illogica, arch-nemesis of Logic Man, and scourge of the Federation.
Illogica - Live short and suffer, assholes!
Ness - Next I’ve invited... um...
One of the henchmen, who is actually a guard, gets angry and yells.
Guard #1 - You are in the presence of the Anointed Holy One, Lord Poushee, Exalted Ruler of the Pietian Empire!
Lord Poushee - Indeed. May the Wise Ones light your path.
Ness - To manage my new fleet, I’ve invited Commander Spliff, a renowned Romulan tactician.
Spliff - Very renowned...
He whispers to the no-name next to him:
Spliff (whispering) - What does “renowned” mean?
Ness (continuing) - And to manage my Biological Warfare Division, I’ve recruited the most evil geneticist known to exist, Doctor R’lentra.
R’lentra - Um, actually I’m not evil. I’m just madly in love with Commander Spliff-y and will follow him anywhere and do anything for him because I’m just that crazy.
Spliff - Honey? Don’t call me “Spliff-y” in public. Ever.
Ness - Whatever. And aside from these random and unimportant pieces of cannon fodder who call themselves warlords, the last person I’ve invited is...
She looks at Chester.
Ness - You know, I don’t actually remember inviting you.
Illogica - He’s with me.
Ness - What’s he for?
Illogica snaps his fingers. Chester sighs and walks over and jumps on Illogica’s lap, where the evil Romulan super-villain starts petting him while smiling evilly.
Chester - This is degrading.
Ness - You’re currently the most evil and vile of all the villains this series has seen. The rest were killed off.
Spliff - Wait, who is he?
Section 31 Agent - If I told you, I’ve have to kill you.
Ness - His name is Rick Cheesie.
Rick Cheesie - Damn it! God damn it! Now I have to kill you all!
He gets up and pulls out a phaser. Ness shoots him a glare of death.
Ness - Sit down!!!
Agent Cheesie - ...Yes ma’am...
Ness - Down to business. Who here wants to conquer the galaxy?
Chester, Spliff, Lord Poushee, and about half the warlord in the room raise their hands.
Ness - You are what we call “idiots.”
They put down their hands, fuming. Ness folds her hands behind her back and walks to the window which looks out at the Galactic Core, filled with the light of tens of billions of stars.
Ness - The reason none of you have succeeded is simple: You’re just not evil enough. No one takes you seriously until you become so loathsome that even the most noble and enlightened races can’t help but hate you.
Chester raises his paw, then realizes she can’t see it, then realizes he doesn’t care, and speaks.
Chester - How does getting everyone in the galaxy to hate us help us take it over?
Ness - (sigh) See, this is why you’re idiots. You just don’t think of the obviously evil things. Tell me, who is the most evil nemesis in Star Trek?
Spliff - The Borg?
Ness - Right. And why is that?
Chester - Because they tried to conquer the galaxy?
Ness - No, they tried to assimilate it. They were not content on letting people remain themselves even if they reigned over them. In a sense, they were trying to destroy everything that could possibly threaten them.
Illogica - Yes, diabolically brilliant! I can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier!
Agent Cheesie - What is he babbling about now?
Ness - My incompetent friends, we, the aforementioned Axle of Evil—
R’lentra - Don’t you mean “Axis of Evil?”
Ness - No. We, the Axle of Evil, are going to destroy the entire galaxy.
Dramatic music plays as the camera goes to everyone’s face, showing confused or shocked looks, or just plain glee in the case of Professor Illogica.
Scene 3 - Earth Spacedock. In Admiral Spot’s office, Adeline, the fluffy kitten sent by the feline race to warn the Federation about the impending Borg invasion and hopefully help them, is busy licking herself when Fleet Admiral Spot and Admiral Ross barge into the room.
Adeline (in her cute, Slavic accent) - Oh hey!
Spot - No time for pointless dialogue. Computer, seal this room. Deactivate all recording equipment in this room.
Computer - Okay, but just to fill the obvious plot hole, I’m turning off the microphones so good luck getting out of here now, jerks.
Admiral Ross goes up to the monitor and sticks a data rod into the receptacle next to it. Instantly a recording of an empty region of space appears.
Adeline - Ooh, pretty!
Spot - Watch.
They watch and suddenly a flash of blue fills the screen. When it fades, a small vortex is visible.
Spot - The observation post we set up to monitor the sector of space that the Celestial reported would be the invasion point captured this two hours ago. The vortex is still small, barely a metre across, but it’s slowly getting bigger.
Adeline - Ah oh. This not good.
Ross - No, it’s not. We’ve diverted the entire Fifth Fleet to intercept, telling them to do whatever they can to close this vortex while they can. At the very least maybe they can buy us some time. It looks like the invasion is coming sooner rather than later.
Adeline - No, not that. My fur is matted. It’s going to take forever to get it smooth again!
Spot - Adeline, this isn’t the time for vanity.
Adeline - I dunno, I always thought imminent death was a good time for one to worry about one’s looks.
Ross - Is there anything we can do? Has the feline race had any success closing vortices in the past?
Adeline - I dunno, I’m just a kitten.
Spot - If only we could get in contact with the Celestial. Has that radiation mess from that shockwave thing cleared yet?
Ross - Not yet. The rest of the Ninth Fleet reported that the Celestial was definitely hit by the shockwave, but no one knows if they survived or not.
Spot - Knowing our luck, they did. Contact the fleet commanders and tell them to get their fleets back here on the double, bringing whatever reinforcements they can with them. There’s a starbase near that vortex, am I right?
Ross - Yes, Starbase 474.
Spot - Move it out of whatever orbit it’s in and put it near the vortex, then arm it to the proverbial teeth. Mine the vortex with everything we’ve got, and tell all of our scientists to start trying to find ways to close it. I intend to throw everything but the kitchen sink at this thing.
The other two look at her confused.
Spot - There’s a sink shortage in the Federation. We can’t spare any right now.
Scene 4 - On the USS Celestial, Senseless, Puker, Blavik, Sa’lol, and Garell are sitting in the mess hall, eating lunch.
Senseless - You know, I’ve just realized that we’re getting awfully close to when Tener said the Borg would invade. We should really start heading back.
Garell - We can as soon as I finish overhauling the engines. And don’t you dare ask for quantum slipstream this time or I will shove my foot so far up your ass you’ll be able to tie my shoes with your tonsils.
Puker - I’m pretty certain that’s physically impossible.
Garell - My point is, and don’t spread this around, but this ship is nearing the end of its life.
Senseless - What!? It’s not even two years old!
Garell - Well, normally it would last for decades, but we keep getting the shit kicked out of us, and the hull just can’t take it much longer. Every beam, every girder, every coat hanger is showing signs of fatigue, and cracks are starting to form. She won’t last much longer.
Puker - ...At least, I don’t think it’s physically possible... Nurse! Prep someone for a medical experiment!
Blavik rolls her eyes and follows an excited Doctor Puker out of the room.
Sa’lol - How much longer do we have to wait here then?
Garell - Another 48 hours and we can bring the warp engines back online.
Sa’lol - You mean we’re stuck here until then? This isn’t exactly a safe harbour, you know.
Garell - Nonsense, we’re in the middle of nowhere. There’s no life for... how far?
Senseless - There’s an inhabited star system 25 AU’s from here, another 26 AU’s in another direction, and the list goes on. We were passed by 47 ships in the last hour alone, but none of them seem to care we’re here. This is the most densely packed area of space in the galaxy. The core explosion shockwave passed through here thousands of years ago, and the populace has recovered and thrived. The planets are mineral rich, the stars young and energetic, and the real estate value is only going up.
Garell - Whatever, I’m the Chief Engineer and I say we’re stuck here until I can fix whatever is in need of fixing, which is pretty much everything.
Sa’lol - But... but... I’m bored!
Sa’lol looks at Commander Senseless with a pouting face. Senseless just rolls his eyes.
Senseless - Fine, take a shuttle and go take a look at the black hole.
Sa’lol - Yes!
Sa’lol jumps up and runs towards the door. As it opens, Lieutenant Tener walks in. Sa’lol grabs him by the arm and drags him back the way he just came.
Sa’lol - Come on, Lieutenant, we’re going exploring!
Tener - This never ends well.
They run into the turbolift.
Sa’lol - Shuttlebay please.
The door closes and the turbolift rattles away.
Scene 5 - Near the supermassive black hole at the centre of the galaxy, an evil-looking space station orbits perilously close, aiming an evil-looking antenna at the singularity. The camera zooms in through a window to where Righteous Ness is looking out at the swirling mass of dust and gas.
Ness - Beautiful, isn’t it?
Professor Illogica - Chaos always is! Mwah ha ha ha ha!
Ness - Shut up. You’re ruining the moment. Doctor R’lentra?
R’lentra - Yes ma’am?
Ness - Is everyone ready?
R’lentra - Chester is in the fire control room now.
The camera goes to Chester who is in a small room somewhere near the base of the large antenna.
Chester - What the heck is this supposed to do again?
The camera goes back to the main control chamber.
Ness - I’ll explain it later. Cheesie! Hail the nearest Cytherian outpost!
Agent Cheesie - We’re going to do what?!?
Ness - Just do it, you ugly son of a bitch!
Agent Cheesie - Hey, you try surviving an ambush by the Pah-Wraiths without getting a few scars and burns!
A Cytherian appears on the viewer.
Cytherian - What do you want?
Ness - I am Ness, and if you don’t agree to my terms, I’ll destroy the galaxy!
Cytherian - What is this? A prank call? Piss off.
Ness - You have ten hours to give us a subspace inverter assembly, and the operating manual!
Cytherian - Forget it, that’s sensitive technology which we will never hand over to the likes of you.
Ness - Perhaps you don’t believe I’m sincere in my threat. Maybe a little demonstration will get you moving. Ness out.
The channel cuts and Ness turns to R’lentra.
Ness - Fire, 1% of full power. Let’s just shake them up a little.
R’lentra cringes and then hits a button. In the little room, Chester sees a button flash and starts aiming the antenna at the black hole, then presses the button. Out in space, a stupid looking beam of energy flies out of the station and hits the black hole. Instantly huge ripples appear in the accretion disk, propagating outwards. They hit the station, shaking it slightly, and keep going. In the control room...
R’lentra - It’s working. Graviton waves are moving outward on subspace carrier waves. They’re going at warp 9 and accelerating, gaining strength.
Ness - Time until they hit the Cytherian homeworld?
R’lentra - A few seconds.
The camera goes to a planet which appears to be completely covered in an advanced city. Lots of advanced-looking Cytherians are going about their business when suddenly the entire planet shakes violently. Buildings topple and the tectonic plates crack open. Millions are killed instantly and millions more die soon after from fires, aftershocks, or weak hearts.
Back on the station, Doctor R’lentra looks solemnly at the death toll reports.
Ness - There’s nothing like mass destruction to get someone’s attention.
Scene 6 - In a Federation shuttlecraft which is warping along, Captain Righteous, Lieutenant Sa’lol, Lieutenant Tener, and Lieutenant Blavik are manning various stations.
Righteous - Hey, how come naive Vulcan underling came along instead of Vaughn?
Blavik - The doctor is extremely busy right now.
The camera jumps to the Celestial’s sickbay, where Puker is scratching his head while looking at a no-name who has another no-name’s leg sticking out of his mouth.
Puker - Hmm... so it is possible!
The camera goes back to the shuttle.
Sa’lol - Hey, who is flying this thing anyway?
Righteous - I’m on it, don’t worry!
Everyone freaks and while Tener pulls the struggling captain away from the controls, Blavik takes the helm.
Sa’lol - Phew, that almost went bad.
A console starts beeping.
Sa’lol - Uh... incoming... something.
Before she can explain further, the shuttle rattles slightly. Righteous drops his tea and crumpets on the floor.
Righteous - Ah, Prophets damn it!
Tener - What was that?
Righteous - My lunch!
Tener - No, the shaking.
Sa’lol - I don’t know but it came from the core, whatever it was.
The camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge, where Baque, Genocide, and Casey are working alone.
Baque - I’m bored, I wish something would happen.
Suddenly, the ship shakes violently.
Genocide - You idiot!
The camera goes to a maintenance shaft where Garell and some no-names are working. They’re currently trying to weld a girder which has a massive crack in it. Suddenly, the entire ship shakes and flexes and the girder snaps.
Garell - Oh, fuck! Everyone get out of here!
The stress of holding the ship together is instantly transferred to the hull and various pieces of scaffolding. Rivets start popping off and flying every which way like bullets. Three no-names are gunned down before Garell and the rest can get out of the shaft and into the safety of a corridor. They stop to catch their breath, but the creaking of deforming metal gets louder.
Garell - And we’re running...!
They run down the corridor just as it rips itself open, exposing the entire thing to space. Forcefields engage before anyone can be sucked out. The camera goes into space and watches as the dorsal side of the stardrive section, about half way down its length, tears open entirely at the top and goes down the sides of the ship about two decks. Unlucky crewmen can be seen drifting into space. Cargo bay 3 and 4 are ruptured and all their supplies are sucked out as well. Camera goes to Commander Senseless’s quarters, where he puts down a book just as the lights flicker and the sound of creaking metal can be heard reverberating through the deck.
Senseless - That... didn’t sound good.
Scene 7 - The camera watches the Celestial, which is burst open like a tin can, float in space. The camera goes to a corridor where Garell is walking with Genocide and Senseless while no-names repair stuff in the background.
Senseless - How bad is it?
Garell - Bad. Not only do we have to somehow pull the pieces back together, but all that shaking did a real number on the rest of the duranium skeleton too. This won’t be the last time this happens.
Genocide - I’m guessing running into that core shockwave a while back didn’t help.
Garell - No, that’s probably what put us over the brink. Commander, this ship is just a pile of scrap. I’d say even if we manage to repair the damage and reinforce the rest of the ship, we’ll get maybe a few more months out of her. Tell Starfleet Command to order us a new ship.
Senseless - I would if I could. We’re still trying to punch through the interference, but the shockwave took out one of our long-range subspace signal booster buoys. We’re trying to contact local inhabitants to see if we can relay the message via the old fashioned way, but so far they’re all just laughing at us.
Genocide - Stupid local inhabitants. Shall I have them all killed?
Senseless - No, we might need to barter with them for transport back to Federation space if we can’t fix the Celestial.
In the background, one no-name gets too close to another with a welding torch and he bursts into flames. Garell turns around and yells at them.
Garell - Stop goofing around and get back to work! (Turning back) God, I swear I’m going to murder someone if I don’t get a vacation or something soon!
Scene 8 - In Righteous Ness’s evil lair, she is watching telemetry as it scrolls across Dr. R’lentra’s screen.
Ness - Excellent, that was even cooler than I expected. Contact those idiots again, let’s see if they’re willing to talk now.
R’lentra hails the Cytherians. A frazzled-looking Cytherian appears on the viewscreen.
Cytherian - Alright, you’ve demonstrated your power. The subspace inverter assembly is on its way. But the operating manual will take some time.
Ness (angrily) - Don’t play games with me, old man, I’ve spent the better part of my life building this weapon and I’m sure as the Pah-Wraiths prepared to use it! You have 10 hours to meet my demands, or I’ll reduce this entire area of space to dust!
Cytherian (frightened) - But we can’t get the manual translated in 10 hours! Give us more time! We promise we’ll get it to you!
Ness - You’re just wasting time that I could be spending powering up my weapon, which I think I intend to do. Doctor R’lentra! Charge the weapon to full power!
R’lentra looks at her.
R’lentra - But that will destroy everything in the galaxy!
Ness - That’s an order, doctor.
R’lentra - (sigh) Powering up weapon to 100% output. Estimated time to readiness: 4 hours.
Ness turns back to the Cytherian on the viewer.
Ness - Now you have only 4 hours. I don’t recommend you argue with me again. We’ll have enough power to vapourize your homeworld in about a quarter of the time! Ness out.
The viewscreen goes back to showing the rotating accretion disk of the galactic core.
Chester - You know, there’s pretty much no way they’ll be able to meet our demands. Subspace inverter assemblies are very integrated into their infrastructure. It will take them the better part of a day just to safely disconnect it, much less get it here.
Ness - I don’t think you realize that I intend to destroy the galaxy whether they comply with my demands of not.
Everyone else in the room stops what they’re doing and looks at her.
Spliff - Have you gone fricking mental?
Professor Illogica - Mwah ha ha! I love that idea! It’s so diabolically brilliant I can’t believe I didn’t come up with it myself!
Ness (pointing at Processor Illogica) - See, this is why I like him.
Chester - Um, destroying that which I’d rather conquer wasn’t what I signed up for.
Ness - You’re welcome to leave. I don’t even know why you’re still here, you’re pretty much useless.
Chester - Because this series is ending and I refuse to be thrown away like the over-used plot line I am! I refuse to be degraded to the ranks of people like “Future Guy” or the evil-Asgard from Stargate Atlantis!
Before Ness can retort, and alarm goes off.
Agent Cheesie - What’s that?
Ness - Proximity alarm. Maybe the Cytherians are here already.
R’lentra - No, it’s a Federation shuttlecraft.
Ness - The Federation? As in the United Federation of Planets?
Chester - No, the World Curling Federation! Who the hell do you think she meant?!
Ness - Would someone please tell me what a Federation shuttlecraft is doing all the way out here? Aren’t they supposed to be getting ready to fight the Borg?
Chester - Starfleet sent ships into this area of space to search for allies. They’re probably doing that right now.
Professor Illogica -They’re entering weapons range. Shall I have them destroyed?
R’lentra - Positive identification on the transponder signal: It’s from the USS Celestial. Four lifeforms onboard.
Ness - Hmm... Order them to surrender. When they refuse, disable them and tow them into the shuttlebay.
Illogica - Curses! Foiled again!
Scene 9 - Inside the shuttlecraft, Righteous, Tener, Blavik, and Sa’lol are watching out the window as a space station comes into view.
Righteous - Guys, something seems a little off.
Sa’lol - What gave you that impression? The fact that the shockwave originated from this location and this is the only artificial structure for a billion kilometres, or the fact that they’ve just trained all their weapons on us?
Henchman #1 - Federation vessel, lower your shields and prepare to be boarded. Resist and we will disable you.
Blavik - Captain, their firepower could easily overwhelm our shields, and their tractor beam emitters are more powerful than our engines.
Righteous - True as that may be, we have a duty to resist to the bitter end. We’re self-respecting Starfleet officers, aren’t we? Evasive manoeuvres! Hail the Celestial! All power to weapons!
The camera watches as the shuttle flies randomly around. The station launches a torpedo and it slams through the shuttle’s shields and blows a nacelle off. Plasma and atmosphere stream out of the hole in the fuselage. In the cabin, the four officers pick themselves up off the floor and dust the debris off their uniforms.
Blavik - The core matrix is fused, sir. All systems are disabled.
Righteous - Well, we tried. Time to surrender.
The camera watches as the shuttle is towed into the station’s shuttlebay.
Scene 10 - The camera zooms in on the Celestial, which is being welded back together by maintenance pods and shuttles and no-names in environmental suits. The camera goes to the bridge, where Ensign Casey is chewing bubblegum and twirling her hair around her finger when her console beeps at her.
Casey - Like, huh?
She reads the message her console just displayed:
“The captain is an idiot, and we’re totally boned. Please come collect our remains if it’s not too much trouble. Coordinates 003 mark 044 mark 017. Lieutenant Tener.”
Casey - Um, like, bridge to Lieutenant-Commander Garell.
Garell (comm) - Fuck you Casey, I’m fucking busy as fuck. Fuck off and annoy someone else.
Casey - But, like, we got a distress signal from the away team, like, ma’am.
Garell (comm) - Fucking son of a bitch, fucking shit-faced assholes can’t even go on a fucking reconnaissance mission without fucking it up big time. This shit-assed ship is in no fucking condition to fly at impulse, much less warp, so tell them to eat shit and die for all the good we can do for them. And if you fucking tell me to work faster I will come up there and kick you so hard in the ass not even your great-great-grandchildren will be able to sit down without feeling sore! I’m working my fucking ass off down here to keep this ship from splitting open like a banana! Garell out!
The camera goes to a maintenance corridor where dozens of yellow-shirts are frantically welding the ship back together. Garell finishes tapping her commbadge.
Garell - Christ, the nerve of that girl. Doesn’t she know I’m busy?
She picks up her drink, puts the headphones back in her ears, and lays back down on her beach chair and closes her eyes. The camera goes back to the bridge, where Baque, Genocide, Senseless and Doctor Puker have arrived.
Casey - ...So Garell says the ship can’t fly yet, but we need to, like, go get the, like, away team, or whatever.
Senseless - Doctor, Lieutenant-Commander Baque, Genocide, you’re with me. Casey, you have the conn.
The four of them get into the turbolift and the door closes.
Senseless (to the computer) - Captain’s Yacht.
Baque - Is it such a good idea to leave Casey in charge?
Senseless - Meh, the ship is pretty much toast anyway, what’s the harm?
A few minutes later, the camera watches as the Captain’s Yacht detaches from the ship and jumps to warp.
Scene 11 - The camera goes from scene to scene, showing the four Starfleet officers locked in individual cells. Apparently Righteous Ness isn’t nearly as stupid as her brother, or as dumb as any other bad guy in this series. In Sa’lol’s cell, Doctor R’lentra comes up to the forcefield as Sa’lol wakes up and rubs her forehead.
Sa’lol - Oh... it’s you. I figured you idiots would have something to do with this.
R’lentra - Less than you’d think. Actually, we had no idea how deep we were getting into this evil thing.
Sa’lol - You don’t strike me as the evil kind of person. Why are you doing this?
R’lentra - Spliff. I love him.
Sa’lol - Well good for you, but that doesn’t give you the excuse to help kill millions of people.
R’lentra - It’s hard to say no.
Sa’lol - You know he’ll just betray you at the first chance. He’s using you, you’re nothing but a pawn, or maybe a rook... possibly a bishop. But definitely not as indispensable as a queen.
R’lentra - That’s an awfully cynical view of love. I guess I can’t blame you for it, though.
Sa’lol - What’s that supposed to mean?
R’lentra - I knew her. She was a good friend of mine. We grew up together. You know, she didn’t want to do what she did, but you just don’t say “no” to the Tal Shiar.
Sa’lol stops staring blankly at the ceiling and looks R’lentra in the eye.
R’lentra - That’s right, I knew Valess.
Meanwhile, in another cell, Righteous is poking the forcefield repeatedly.
Righteous - Ow.
Righteous - Ow.
Suddenly, Ness comes into view, smiling evilly.
Ness - Well, well, well... Look what the fates dragged in.
Righteous - Hey... aren’t you...
Ness - Why yes I am: Your dear, beloved, long-lost twin sister.
Righteous - Wait, how did you get here?
Ness - Long story, kinda boring, and you’re too dumb to remember anyway. Better question: What are you doing here?
Righteous - Well, there’s this thing called warp drive. Don’t ask me how it works, I haven’t a clue, but it lets us go really fast and—
Ness - Still as stupid as I remember, maybe dumber. Yes, certainly dumber.
Righteous - Um, are you behind the thing that made our shuttle shake?
Ness - That I am. And in one hour I’m going to destroy the galaxy.
Righteous - Why? What has the galaxy ever done to you?
Ness - It existed, that’s what! Come now, you’re an explorer: Surely you’ve seen the chaoticness of the cosmos. How can all this destruction and ruin be the will of the Prophets?
Righteous - The Prophets created it all. Therefore it must be their will. Just because we can’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Ness - I think you’re wrong. I think every so often a person is born who can right the things that are inherently wrong with the universe. I think I’m one of those people.
Righteous - Oh yeah, well, your mom is inherently wrong with the universe!
Ness - First, she’s your mother too. Secondly, that didn’t make any sense.
Righteous - When I get out of here, I’m telling on you for breaking the galaxy!
Ness - Ah, Lee, still living in the past. We’re not kids anymore. We make our own destinies now. What’s yours? The laughing stock of the quadrant? Flying around making more messes than any other ship in history? How many times have you been responsible for the deaths of innocent people? You’ll go down in history as nothing more than an idiot with a delusional mind. I, however, intend to write my own history.
Righteous - I am not delusional!
Ness - In less than an hour I will wipe the slate clean. Every planet and star will be reduced to atoms by the shockwaves my weapon can produce. The Prophets can start anew with nothing but the building blocks of the universe at their fingertips, the elements. There will be no life forms to interfere with their divine plans. And I will be crowned the supreme ruler of this new empire.
Righteous - You’re insane.
Ness - Think what you will, but you won’t survive to witness the New Galactic Order. You’re going to be executed when I fire my weapon. A test, to see if I’ll need to go around destroying small shuttlecraft after I’m done. So I’d suggest you make peace with the Prophets in the time you have left.
She turns and leaves the room, leaving Righteous fuming at the forcefield. As soon as she’s gone, he tries poking it again.
Righteous - Ow!
Scene 12 - Back in Sa’lol’s cell, R’lentra is still there.
R’lentra - She could have escaped, you know, when they came for her. The Tal Shiar had a transport set up to take her back to Romulus once her work was done. But she choose to stay behind, because she knew she deserved to be punished for what she did to you.
Sa’lol - Why should she have cared? I was just a pawn in her plans, just as you’re a pawn in whatever scheme you’ve gotten yourself into now.
R’lentra - She loved you. Still does. Made that clear in the last letter I received from her.
Sa’lol - She can rot in that prison for all I care. Besides, she’s going to die when your leader destroys the galaxy anyway.
R’lentra - I don’t agree with that I’m being forced to help with, but Spliff wants me to do it.
Sa’lol - You’re blinded! Go ask him, right now, what his plans are for you and him once this is all over. Twenty credits says he squirms like a worm and tries to pull some shit out of his ass.
R’lentra - Fine! I will! Once you are convinced he truly, deeply loves me maybe you’ll see that Valess still has feelings for you too. I’m just trying to be nice, you ungrateful bitch...
With that, she storms out of the room. Muttering to herself, she goes down the corridor. She’s about to turn into a room when she hears voices. She peeks around the corner and sees Ness talking with Spliff.
Ness - Your Doctor friend’s hesitation in the control room earlier is cause for alarm. I don’t trust her. I want her eliminated.
Spliff - Okay, she was starting to get annoying anyway.
R’lentra (to herself) - I really should have seen this coming a mile away.
Scene 13 - Doctor R’lentra storms back into Sa’lol’s cell block to see Chester working the controls next to her forcefield. Both see each other and draw their weapons.
R’lentra - What are you doing here?
Chester - I was going to ask you the same thing.
R’lentra (through teary eyes) - Well, I was thinking of letting the prisoners out and then destroying this entire fricking station. Now you?
Chester - Uh... actually... I was planning on doing the same thing. I figure it’s kind of hard to rule the galaxy when there’s no galaxy left to rule.
R’lentra - Oh, that’s more noble than my motivation. I’m just really pissed off.
Sa’lol - Didn’t go so well, eh?
Suddenly, an alarm goes off.
R’lentra - Proximity alarm.
Sa’lol - Probably the Celestial.
Chester - Then it’s our ticket out of here. We can’t use the shuttlebay, Ness has all the ships locked down using her own personal authorization code.
Sa’lol - Ness?
Chester - The crazy Bajoran running this place.
Sa’lol - A Bajoran named Ness? Ah oh... we have to find the others.
Chester - Follow me!
They run down the corridors towards the other cells. Meanwhile, in the control centre, Professor Illogica, Agent Cheesie, Lord Poushee, and Righteous Ness are looking at the Celestial’s Captain’s Yacht approaching on an intercept course.
Ness - (sigh) I don’t have time for this. Destroy them.
Professor Illogica - At once! Mwah ha ha!
The station fires weapons at the yacht, which shakes under the impact. In the control cabin, Senseless, Baque, Genocide, and Puker hang onto their consoles as the ship shakes.
Senseless - Evasive manoeuvres! Return fire!
Baque, Genocide - On it.
The yacht fires weapons but they’re pitiful and weak and do about as much damage as throwing a slingshot at a tank. Meanwhile, Chester, R’lentra, Sa’lol, Tener, and Blavik finish springing Righteous and load up on weapons from a bunch of incompetent dead guards.
Sa’lol - The Celestial might be here already, let’s get to a control room and try to lower the shields.
Righteous - Um, I have to go stop my sister from destroying the galaxy, or something.
Chester - Your sister?!?!?!?
Long, awkward pause.
Righteous - Yeah, be back later.
He runs off down the corridor.
Tener - Should we go help him?
Sa’lol - Nah, it’ll just ruin the moment.
Scene 14 - In the Captain’s Yacht, stuff is exploding.
Genocide - Shields down to 25%! Port phaser strip is offline!
Baque - We’re venting plasma from the port nacelle!
Puker - We’re fucked! We’re fucked!
Senseless - Get us out of here, best speed.
Baque - I can’t, they’ve disabled our warp drive.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Genocide - That’s it, shields are down.
Senseless - Then set a collision course, prepare to—
Before he can finish the sentence, a shadow falls across the front window. Everyone looks up in time to see the USS Celestial, its hull duct-taped together, fly between the station and the yacht.
Garell (comm) - Celestial to yacht, might we provide assistance?
Everyone in the yacht looks at the wall monitor in surprise.
Baque - I thought you said you couldn’t fix the ship this fast!
Garell (comm) - All you need is a little duct tape and a lot of crazy-glue and you’ve got a miracle in the works. I guarantee this hull will hold together for another hundred lightyears or your money back.
Boom, screen shakes, sparks can be seen on the Celestial’s bridge.
Garell - Stand by, we’re beaming you over. We can’t hold position here forever.
She nods to Casey, and a second later the four officers dematerialize. The camera goes into space and watches as the Celestial pulls away and starts moving in an attack pattern. A torpedo misses its last position and hits the yacht, destroying it. On the Celestial’s bridge...
Garell - Oops, the captain will not be pleased. Oh well!
Senseless, Baque, and Genocide walk onto the bridge and take their stations from the no-names manning them.
Casey - Um, like, I’ve got a DNA lock on our missing, like, away team.
Senseless - Genocide, take out that station’s shields and weapons.
Genocide - With... pleasure...
The camera goes into space and watches as the Celestial opens up with a barrage of pwnage.
Scene 15 - Control room. Ness, alone, is frantically trying to reroute power to the main weapon’s charging system in an attempt to speed up the power-up sequence. Suddenly, the door blows open and Righteous steps into the room.
Ness - I figured one of those incompetent idiots I hired would let you out eventually.
Righteous - It’s over, Ness.
Ness - Honestly, Lee, you think you can take me? Are you truly prepared to kill your own sister?
Righteous hesitates a moment, then lowers the weapon.
Ness - That’s what I thought.
Righteous - Why do these things come in models without stun settings?
Ness - I, however, have no qualms about killing you.
She raises her weapon and fires at Righteous, who clues in and dives out of the way in the nick of time. Suddenly, the entire station shakes violently and the control room explodes in a shower of sparks and falling debris. Ness loses her footing and falls from the control stand in the front as Righteous gets up from behind a console. He looks around but doesn’t see her. Suddenly, a phaser beam flies out of nowhere and nearly hits him, blowing up a monitor behind him.
Righteous - Prophets damn it!
Ness - Your Prophets can’t help you now!
Righteous sees the Celestial fly by the window and cheers up.
Righteous - My ship is here! You’re finished! Surrender now and I promise you’ll get a fair trial.
Ness - Never!
She fires her phaser again and again in Righteous’s direction, resets it to full power and fires at the console he is hiding behind. The console vapourizes and sparks fly out of the wire leads under the floor. The camera goes to space and watches as the station’s attitude thrusters fire up and start pushing the station out of orbit... right into the accretion disk. On the Celestial’s bridge...
Baque - What the fuck are they doing!?! They’ll be torn to pieces!
Senseless - They must be trying to run. We have to get our people out of there as soon as possible. Casey, how is it coming with those shield frequencies?
Casey - What? What shield frequencies!?
Senseless - Damn it, Casey!
Back on the station, in a random corridor, the escapees are running down it when suddenly Commander Spliff steps in behind them.
Spliff - R’lentra! I should have known you’d be behind this! I should have killed you ages ago!
He raises his weapon and fires. The shot hits R’lentra square in the chest and throws her backwards into Blavik’s arms.
Sa’lol - No! Damn you!
She fires her weapon and hits Spliff clean between the eyes. The beam punches straight through his head and leaves him dead before he even hits the floor. Sa’lol rushes to R’lentra. Blavik is checking her vital signs, but it is clear she is too far gone.
R’lentra - This seems fitting, I’d say. He always had my heart to do with what he wanted.
Boom, station rocks, sparks.
Tener - Guys, we really need to save the mushy stuff for, um, never. Let’s go!
R’lentra’s eyes roll up and she stops breathing.
Blavik - She’s dead.
Sa’lol - Alright, let’s get out of here. And no more dying! Unless it’s Chester!
Chester - Assholes!
Sa’lol closes R’lentra’s eyes and lays her on the floor, mere feet from the smouldering remains of Commander Spliff. The four remaining escapees run off, as the station continues exploding around them.
Scene 16 - The camera watches as pieces of the station begin shearing off as it enters the accretion disk. The Celestial follows as close as it can get.
Garell - Hull temperature is rising, and radiation is already well beyond safe levels.
Casey - Like, the shields around the central core are still operational!
Genocide - Still trying to punch through them, but be ready, Ensign. Once their shields go, you’ll have seconds to get them out before that thing is destroyed.
Casey - So, like, no pressure?
In the station’s control room, Ness points her phaser at Righteous.
Ness - Any last words, dear brother?
Righteous - Actually, yes... you dropped your pocket.
Ness’s eyes flicker downwards for a split second, long enough for Righteous to kick her right in the knee. Ness lets out a scream of vengeful agony and goes down. Righteous rolls out of the way just as she fires her weapon, the full-power shot hitting the wall and vaporizing part of it.
Righteous - Lucky for me I remembered that you always fell for that joke, and that you have bad knees.
Ness - I’ll kill you, you sanctimonious bastard!
Righteous - But I don’t want to dieeee!
He starts running around the room while Ness fires her weapon, vaporizing parts of walls, bulkheads, and fallen beams. The station shakes violently under the impact of more weapons fire and a beam falls right in Righteous’ path, blocking him.
Ness - Gotcha!
She pulls the trigger but the weapon’s power cell has been depleted from so many full-power shots and it simply clicks.
Righteous - Ha!
He lunges at her and the two start wrestling around on the debris-littered floor as the station continues to explode around them. Suddenly, a particularly well-placed shot hits the shields right in front of the control room and the front window blows open. Righteous and Ness grab the nearest solid object as everything gets sucked out of the room.
Elsewhere in the station, Chester, Tener, Blavik, and Sa’lol are running towards the shuttlebay when they are suddenly stopped by Professor Illogica, Agent Cheesie, and Lord Poushee.
Illogica - You have ruined our diabolical plans! For this you shall die!
Poushee - May the Wise Ones spit upon your corpses!
Sa’lol - I have the recipe to the galaxy’s best pumpkin pie!
Lord Poushee hesitates a second and then aims his weapon at her.
Poushee - Liar!
On the Celestial’s bridge, Genocide fires the ship’s phasers in a continuous burst.
Genocide - Their shields are about to fail. Get ready.
Back in the control room, Ness is holding onto a railing with one hand and swiping at Righteous with the other. She punches him square in the face and he loses his grip and gets sucked out of the room. Ness turns her head, laughing in triumph as she watches him fly through space towards the perimeter of the station’s shields when, suddenly, they fail. The camera goes to the four escapees and watches as they are all transported out just as the three bad guys fire. In space, a wall of fire plows through the shields and is about to engulf the still-flying Righteous when he is beamed onboard the Celestial. He materializes in the transporter room next to the others but keeps flying across the room and slams into the transporter operator, killing the unfortunate crewman.
Back on the station, Ness screams out in anger as super-heated gas and dust tear through the station, vaporizing her and her life’s work as if it were nothing. On the Celestial’s bridge, Senseless sees it and yells at Baque.
Senseless - Toc, get us out of here, now!
The Celestial does a 180 and hits the gas as the station explodes violently, momentarily making an empty gap in the accretion disk and throwing a metric fuckload of crap at the escaping Celestial. The shockwave hits the ship but thankfully does little damage.
Scene 17 - The Celestial is sitting in space a safe distance outside the accretion disk.
Righteous (voicover) - Captain’s log, stardate 60384.9. My sister is dead. I am now the last Righteous in the galaxy. (A chorus of cheers can be heard in the background.) In other news, we also saved the galaxy. Go us! The downside is that battle shortened my ship’s lifespan. Angry blue woman tells me our next battle will probably be our last. That seems fitting, seeing as our next battle could be the last battle this galaxy sees in a long time. Oh wait, I forgot: We’ve got the Prophets on our side. Never mind. End log.
On the bridge, the entire senior staff is present.
Tener - I locked Chester in the brig and restrained him. He’s not going anywhere for a while. We can drop him off at a Starbase once we get back.
Puker - All’s well that ends well. Saved the galaxy, gathered allies, kept the ship in one piece again...
Garell - Barely.
Puker - Still, best part is we’re going home!
Blavik - Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get back to Federation space?
Casey - Like, quantum slipstream?
Everyone looks at Garell.
Garell (laughing her ass off) - Bwah ha ha! You guys crack me up! Just like quantum slipstream would do to what’s left of this ship!
A creaking sound further reinforces her insistence that the ship is in dire need of reinforcement.
Righteous - What we really need is a highly contrived yet seemingly plausible quick way to get back home.
Sa’lol’s console suddenly beeps.
Sa’lol - An unstable wormhole just opened up off the port bow. I’m picking up Starfleet signals coming through it. Looks like it leads straight back home.
Righteous - That’ll do.