Chapter 3: “Space Shag”

Written by “8 of 12”

We interrupt this Coronary to bring you this special news bulletin!

Captain Kirk has interfered with my plans for the last time. He is the Tribble to my Klingon. Or the Klingon to my Tribble, I’m not sure. Either way, it’s bad. But I have devised a plan to rid me of him once and for all. Then the galaxy will be mine to rule... forever. Mwahahahahaha. Mwahahahaha. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’ll do.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Coronary!

“Captain’s Log, Stardate 5737.1 or something else to that effect: After careful reconsideration, I have decided that wearing underpants on my head is not the best way to pick up women, despite the fact that not wearing them on my head is causing me much pain. In other news, Spock was just about to tell me about some strange readings he’s just detected, weren’t you Spock?”

“As a matter of fact, I was captain.” Spock replied. “There are some strange readings emanating from space.”

Kirk raised an eyebrow in response. “Space you say?”

Yes, space.

Sitting quietly there in the still blackness, giving off a deceptive calm... waiting for the proper moment to show its hand...

Space... where the gentle glow of a nebula can lull you into a blissful state of a false sense of security...

Space... where even the sight of a dangerous ship which is coming towards the Enterprise... doesn’t even seem that scary anymore.

“A ship?” Kirk asked. “Is that all you disturbed my captain’s log for? To point out that there’s a ship nearby?”

“But Captain.” Spock objected calmly. “As the writer so skillfully pointed out: It is a scary ship.”

“Oooooohh...” Kirk commented in awe. “Lemme see!”

“Aye sir.” Sulu replied. “Lemme you... lemme... letting you see.”

Sulu turned the ‘streaming stars’ screensaver off and a new image appeared. Kirk stared at it intensely.

“What kind of ship is it?” Kirk asked.

Spock stared at his readings. “From what I can tell, it is a Terran ship. In space.” “Did you say space?” Kirk asked.

Yes, space.

The darkness of the night coexisting with the brightness of the star, as the same as the Federation coexist with Klingons, in the same manner that Kirk will soon coexist with a certain young woman...

Kirk smiled suddenly. “Does that mean that I get laid in this Coronary?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “So it would seem.”

Almost as if on cue, the turbolift door swooshed open.

“Captain Kirk? I’m Lieutenant Marla McGivers.”

“Marla McGimme.” Kirk commented, looking at her. “Perfect timing. Mr. Sulu: play the groovy make out music!”

“Aye, sir.” Sulu responded, throwing Spock his harp. “Initiating groovy make out music.”

Spock began plucking at his harp and singing. “I’ve been really trying baby! Trying to hold back these feelings inside me for just so long... but if you feel... the way that I feel, baby! Come on! Awwwww, yeah! Let’s get it on...”

Kirk grooved up next to Lieutenant McGivers. “Marla, could I interest you in a tour of the lower decks, followed by a close very personal view of the Captain’s Quarters?”

“I’d love to, Captain.” She replied.

Kirk looped his arm through hers and walked towards the turbolift. “I thought you would. Mr. Spock, keep up the good singing, Mr. Sulu, you have the bridge. See if you can’t take care of that Terran ship in space.”

“Aye sir.” Sulu replied. “Taking care of that alien ship in... did you say space, sir?”

Yes, space.

Space... waiting eternally on the cusp of civilization, as faithful and patient as a first officer with no hope of ever being promoted...

Space... where it is true that no one can hear you scream.

That’s right. No one. Don’t argue. It’s settled. I mean really, if you’re out there without a space suit on, you deserve to die. Don’t bother others needlessly about it with screaming.

In space, where a small ship lies, momentarily forgotten in the previous scene, in the light of Kirk getting excited about being laid...

Where three officers, Commander Spock, Dr. McCoy and Lieutenant Sulu, make an amazing discovery...

“Humans.” Spock commented. “On a human ship. Most fascinating.”

“Human ice-cubes.” McCoy added. “They sat in a freezer to freeze them for as long as they needed.”

“It could be a trap.” Spock replied. “Maybe they just want us to think they are frozen.”

“Well, let’s unthaw them and get them back to the Enterprise.” McCoy said, opening the freezer. “There’s some potato salad that’s been in here for so long, it’s on the verge of becoming sentient!”

Later... on the Enterprise...

“Welcome, all, to my temporary evil lair. I, as you know, am Khan. It seems that my plan to freeze myself as a way to board the Enterprise has finally paid off... so here we are. I have devised a plan to rid me once and for all of Captain Kirk. I’m going to steal his mojo. His libido. The right stuff. What the French call a certain... I don’t know what.”

“How are you going to do this?” One of his henchmen dared to ask.

“I have a operative working on the Enterprise.” Khan answered. “He’s a disgruntled Scotsman working in engineering. He weighs a metric tonne. His name.... is Fat Scotty!”

“And this is Mr. Scotty, the chief engineer.” Kirk introduced Marla.

“You’re a pretty boy!” Scotty said loudly to Kirk. “You’re prettier than most girls I’ve seen! You’re lucky I’m not that way inclined, or you’d be on the top of my list!”

“That’s enough, Scotty.” Kirk ordered lightly.

“Oooh, too good for me, is that it?!” Fat Scotty said as he wobbled. “Well let me tell you something, sonny Jim! I ate a baby! Oh, aye! A baby! The other other white meat!”

“Perhaps we should go to my quarters now, Marla.” Kirk quickly excused.

Later.... in Kirk’s quarters...

“Computer!” Kirk ordered. He smiled coyly at Marla. “Romantic groovy make out lights.”

The lighting in Kirk’s quarter’s lowered, and Kirk laid across the bed, casually tearing his shirt playfully.

At that moment, the door beeped.

“Who is it?!” Kirk asked in annoyance.

The door slid open. “It is I.” Spock announced. “Captain, I just thought you might like to know that I’ve figured out that the guy we picked up from the ship is actually Khan who did some really bad things a few hundred years back and made a lot of people very angry and froze himself and he’s a mass murderer who’s been drifting in space!!!” Spock paused momentarily to catch his breath. “And he’s going to kill us all!!!!

“Back to your previous point.” Kirk interrupted. “Did you say space?”

Yes, space.

Space... where in the infinite reaches there are wonders to behold....

Space... where there is always the sweet smell of adventure and excitement in the air...

Space... where danger can arrive on tiptoes and with a slight limp....

Spock raised an eyebrow. “That is getting more than slightly... annoying.”

“Well thanks for the warning there, Spock old comrade.” Kirk said, pushing the Vulcan towards the door. “But I’ve got some shagging to do...”

“But the baddies!” Spock objected.

“Are going to be left in your capable hands.” Kirk closed the door and turned back to Marla. “My apologies my dear, now that we’re alone, where were we?”

A transporter beam suddenly appeared, depositing Captain Sisko in the quarters.

“Can’t a man get a little time to himself?!” Kirk demanded. “Do you know that this is the third episode and I haven’t scored yet? I don’t like these odds! Who are you!?”

“I just came to borrow your baseball bat.” Sisko explained. “There’s this writer who’s making things rather difficult for me named DF—”

“Fine, take it and get out!” Kirk yelled, throwing Sisko the bat.

Sisko dematerialized rather quickly.

Kirk turned back to Marla with a smile. “Now my dear—”

The door beeped.

“Unless it’s a group of Orion slave girls, I don’t want to know about it!” Kirk yelled to the door.

Fat Scotty suddenly ran through the door, leaving a Scotty-shaped giant hole. “Sorry to interrupt ye captain, but I thought you might like to hear this week’s report!”

Kirk sighed in defeat. “Fine then, Fat Scotty. Let’s hear whatever you want to talk about.”

“Aye!” Fat Scotty replied. He lifted a padd in his pudgy fingers. “The weekly Scotty report. By Tuesday, the pompous toupee-wearing girdle-stretching git in command had dumped record levels of repairs on poor Scotty by deciding that ‘There’s sexy Orion slave girls in that there nebula’ was enough justification to take the ship into the damn thing to see!”

“Fine, fine.” Kirk said quickly. “Now can you just leave?!”

“There’s more!” Fat Scotty insisted. He continued reading. “As you can obviously see, Scotty’s happiness was in extreme jeopardy. It was a moral dilemma too. Would Scotty disappoint his captain by not making the repairs in order just to eat a few extra meals? Or would he fight With every last ounce of strength in his dead sexy body to complete all the repairs!??” Fat Scotty sighed dramatically. “In the end, there was only one choice our hero could really make.”

“You wrote the Scotty report, didn’t you?” Kirk asked.

Scotty covered his padd in annoyance. “Stop reading ahead!!!

“Fine, I’ve heard your report!” Kirk said, pushing against Scotty’s immense flab. “Just get out!”

“Do you mind if I take your mojo?” Scotty asked.

“Whatever!” Kirk said, pushing against Scotty even harder. “Just get out of my... wait a minute!”

“Too late now, sonny Jim!” Scotty yelled. “Lookie here what I got!”

Fat Scotty held up a hypospray vial filled with... with...

My mojo!!!” Kirk yelled, diving for the vial. He fell to the ground hard.

Fat Scotty chuckled an evil chuckle, the kind reserved for gym teachers, and waddled out into the corridor.

“My mojo...” Kirk said desperately, still lying on the floor.

“What am I doing here?” Marla said suddenly. “You’re losing your hair, you’re wearing a girdle... you’re suddenly... not attractive!”

“My mojo...” Kirk whined again.

“I’m going to be with Khan.” Marla said. “At least he still has his own hair.”

She stepped over him and walked defiantly into the corridor.

Some time later...

“So tell me again how you caught the baddies, Spock.” Kirk said. “Just for the convenience of the readers, of course.”

“Of course, captain.” Spock replied. “Since Khan has no concept of this century and its technology, he had no idea as to what a waste extraction unit is or how to use it. We found him in the mess hall sitting in a replicator, trying to press ‘reclaim.’”

“Well, that seems like an airtight explanation to me!” Kirk said, dusting his hands. He glared at Khan. “I’m beaming you, Fat Scotty, the rest of your evil henchmen, and Marla, because she wouldn’t accept my obvious charm, down to Ceti Alpha V.”

This is Ceti Alpha V!!!” Khan yelled. “Holds potential.” He commented.

“Ceti Alpha V is wild and hostile.” Spock said calmly. “But it is just about as friendly as any other planet in... in... that big black place out there. The one that begins with ‘S.’”

“You mean space!?” Kirk exclaimed.

“Don’t say it!” Spock yelled.

Yes, Space.

What, did you think I didn’t hear?

Space... where the nearest breath of civilization could be just around the corner...

Space... where a sector which is just a light year away can suddenly be a light month away, then a light week away, and, depending on the speed of your ship, maybe even a light day...

Space... where the infinite blackness of the night never ends, just like the constant occurrence of these pretty descriptive paragraphs about space...

Spock scowled. “That is really starting to annoy me.”

“Just one more thing before you spend an eternity alone on a planet, Khan.” Kirk said.

Chekov suddenly appeared next to him, probably due to some subspace anomaly.

“Here’s a convenient explanation for you. His name is Chekov. Remember. Remember...”

“Kirk’s Final Thought: I guess what we really learnt today is that no one should mess with me. You can try. But you have witnessed what happens to you when you interrupt with my make out time. Spock’s currently outside the ship, cleaning the viewscreen without a space suit, getting to know that ‘space’ he loves so much. And the villain, along with his evil henchmen, is banished to a planet, although I doubt I’ve seen the last of them...”

“Take care of yourself, and each other.”