“Captain’s Log, Stardate: late December back in ‘63: I must admit, the title of this Coronary sounds quite promising. Babe Hell. Baaaaaabe Heeeeeeellll. I couldn’t have asked for a better mission! We’re taking some ambassadors there. Something about Spock’s father. Yadda yadda yadda. Note to oneself, captain, you’re beautiful. Why thank you oneself, you’re not so bad yourself! C’mere you!”
Spock, McCoy and Fat Scotty stood silently in the cargo bay.
Well at least, Spock and McCoy were silent.
“And then the third time I saved the Enterprise, ah didn’t even need to use mae magic fingers!!” Scotty yelled. “Ah just slammed the console with mae dead sexy body and saved the day. Pressed all the damn buttons I did! Aye!”
“When’s the captain getting here?” McCoy groaned.
“He will be here in a moment, Doctor.” Spock replied. “I believe he just distracted himself.”
“And then the fifth time I saved the Enterprise, it’s because we were stuck at the edge of a black hole!” Fat Scotty continued. “You would have thought that everyone would have panicked, but nooooo, the captain knew what to do! ‘Shove Fat Scotty out the airlock,’ says he, ‘once the fat bastard’s gone we should be able to get away without nae trouble at all!!’ He yelled with his Scottish accent. He poked his belly. ”Well you’re going to have to try harder to get rid of me than that, Sonny Jim!!!”
“I want to go home.” McCoy whined.
“Doctor McCoy, I would appreciate it if I were not alone with Fat Scotty when my parents arrive.” Spock explained. “He made references earlier to the fact that I resemble a Leprechaun and therefore I stole his Lucky Charms. I’m not sure that I totally trust him.”
“Your parents are going to be on this shuttle?” McCoy asked.
“Maybe it would be a good idea to teach you the traditional Vulcan greeting.” Spock mused. “It involves pulling your pants down around your ankles and doing the Macarena.”
McCoy pulled his pants down. “Like this? Heel and toe heel and toe.”
“Can’t you do anything right, you stupid little man!?” Scotty yelled. “It’s like this! I want my babyback babyback baby back!”
“I’m afraid you all have it wrong.” Spock corrected them, pulling his own pants down around his ankles. “It’s more like this. Two all-beef patties special sauces Macarena itsy-bitsy yellow polka-dot bikini Macarena!”
“You’re making me hungry, now stop it!!!” Fat Scotty yelled, jiggling his fat around. “Or I’ll shove you between my two all-beef patties!!” He paused for a moment. “If you’ll excuse me, the mess hall awaits.”
Fat Scotty quickly waddled towards the door, right past the confused captain.
“That was Fat Scotty.” Kirk said to Spock. “Did he not steal my mojo and try to kill me? Am I not angry at him?”
“Captain, please do not allow yourself to be distracted.” Spock said. “The shuttle will be here at any moment.”
“Of course Spock, of course.” Kirk agreed. “Did you see the title of this Coronary, Spock? Sounds rather promising, doesn’t it? Babe Hell... sounds like an amusement park full of latex covered...”
“I believe that is meant to read ‘Babel.’” Spock said, glancing up at the title. “I’m putting my money on ‘Babel’, and the fact that it is a late night wherever the writer is.”
“Well I don’t think that you can exactly argue with that.” McCoy agreed. “Hey look, here’s the shuttle!”
“Okay, now everyone remember how we rehearsed this!” Spock said. “Where’s Fat Scotty?”
“Aye, I’m here, don’t get you’re ears shoved up ye arse!” Fat Scotty yelled as he waddled through the door. “Would anyone like some chicken? No? Good! Because you’re not getting any!!”
“I’ll be getting some as soon as I get to Babe Hell.” Kirk said quietly.
The doors to the shuttle opened and a group of ambassadors stepped out. The Enterprise senior staff instantly began doing the Macarena in their own fashion.
“My son, your greeting disappoints me.” An old Vulcan said.
“If it’s about the fat man, let me explain!” Spock dodged.
Kirk disagreed loudly “Hey, I’ve got my girdle on, and I was dancing... oh... you meant Fat Scotty.”
“It has nothing to do with the fat one.” The Vulcan ambassador replied. “It has more to do with the fact that the Macarena is soooo last year.”
“Oooooh, not good enough for you, am I sonny Vulcan!?” Fat Scotty yelled.
Kirk elbowed Scotty hard in the cellulite, before staring hard at the Vulcan ambassador. “You seem familiar.” He said.
The Vulcan ambassador raised an eyebrow. “Familiar? How?” He began to reach ever so slowly for his concealed weapon...
Kirk grinned. “You look like a guy who’s gonna party at Babe Hell!!”
The Vulcan quickly moved his hand away from his gun and brushed his hair back in a discrete movement.
Later, on the bridge...
“Captain’s Log, Stardate: Now. Are we there yet?”
“No.” Spock said.
“Captain’s Log, Stardate: A bit after now. Are we there yet?”
“No.” Spock said, losing his patient edge.
“Captain’s Log, Stardate: Perhaps a tad bit more after the previous log entry. Are we there yet?”
Spock sighed. "Mr. Sulu, could you please inform the captain that we are not there yet and this is his final warning?
“Aye sir, informing the Captain final destination has not yet been achieved and he’ll have something rather painful shoved up his Captain’s Log if he doesn’t desist.” Sulu said.
Kirk slumped in his chair and drummed his fingers. “Can I ask Fat Scotty for just a tinciest bit more warp power? Just a little? Spock? C’mon!”
Spock rolled his eyes. “If you must.”
Kirk pressed the comm. button with a flourish. “Fat Scotty, we need more power!”
“You’re getting all the power you can take, Sonny Jim!” Fat Scotty yelled. “If I gave you any more power, you’d go cross-eyed! Aye, cross-eyed! So just sit there and quit complaining!!”
Kirk crossed his arms and pouted. “I was only asking.”
“Captain, we’re receiving a message from one of the decks!” Uhura reported.
“Oh?” Kirk asked. “More crewmembers asking to beam down to Babe Hell?”
“Actually sir, it’s one of the ambassadors. He’s been murdered!!” Uhura said.
Kirk looked puzzled. “One of the ambassadors called to tell us he’s dead?”
Spock banged his head on his console. “One of the ambassadors have been murdered. And we have been informed.”
“Oooooh.” Kirk said. “That’s bad.” He reached for his baseball bat. “Spock, you have the bridge.”
“Where are you going?!” Spock demanded.
“Nowhere, nothing! I’m not going to beat your father senseless and accuse him of the death of the ambassador and ultimately delay our arrival to Babe Hell!”
“You’re doing what!?” Spock yelled.
“What? Nothing, relax guy!” Kirk told him. “The bathroom. Going to bathroom. Please excuse me for a moment.”
Kirk made his rapid exit off the bridge.
Sometime later... not too much later of course...
Kirk swung up his legs on the table in the briefing room and looked rather satisfied with himself. “So let’s recap, shall we?” He said. “I saved the day. Spock, do you have anything to add?”
“You beat my father with a baseball bat into unconsciousness.” Spock said with a glare.
“Disciplined, Spock.” Kirk corrected him. “The magic word is disciplined.”
“If you insist.” Spock said.
“He asked for it, Spock.” Kirk reminded. “He killed the diplomat. I have proof! Look at him! Covered in the diplomat’s blood!”
“That not be blood!” Fat Scotty disagreed. He ran his chubby finger over Spock’s father’s face and shoved it in his mouth. “That be sauce from the food fight that was in the mess hall! I told them that I could go back for a 23rd helping, but noooooooo!!!! Such a shame, what a waste...”
“Okay then...” Kirk said nervously. “Well, I still think he did it. I mean look at him! Come on! Just have a look at him! He just looks so shifty! He looks... familiar...”
The Vulcan ambassador quickly hid under the table. “No, I don’t!”
“He does!” Kirk said. “He looks like... like... Evil Vulcan Commander?”
“Quickly, this is Evil Vulcan Commander, they’ve seen through my clever deception! One to beam up!!” A voice came from under the table.
“Evil Vulcan Commander, it is you!!” yelled Kirk, grabbing him from under the table and giving him a big hug. “I haven’t seen you since we blew up your ship near the Neutral Zone, how are you!?”
“With all deliberate speed!!!” The Evil Vulcan Commander said, his voice slightly muffled by Kirk’s hug.
The Evil Vulcan Commander reformed on Khan’s transporter platform and immediately collapsed. “Thank you! He was trying to choke me! Cunningly disguised as a hug, but still...”
“You failed me. For the second time.”
“It was unavoidable, oh mighty evil one!” The Evil Vulcan Commander explained. “They saw through my deception!”
“When you repeatedly fail me, I begin to lose patience. And when I begin to lose patience... I can’t be held responsible...”
“This is the end of the Coronary.” Spock pointed out.
“I know.” Kirk answered glumly. “The end. That’s it. No babes. Let alone a Babe Hell.”
“According to the chronometer, in the writer’s time zone it is currently 1:17am.” Spock pointed out. “That could explain a lot.”
“Then maybe he should finish writing this in the morning and bring me some more babes then!!!” Kirk yelled, grabbing his baseball bat.
“Captain’s final thought: Babel. Babel. Not Babe Hell. Nothing to do with spandex. How depressing. Instead we upheld the laws of the Federation. Prevented perhaps countless murders. Showed once and for all the art of the Macarena. But do you know what we really learnt here, folks? Do you really know? Seriously. Because the only thing I’ve learnt so far is that for all my shirt ripping, groovy music and knowing all the moves, this is the fourth Coronary and I still haven’t been laid. If you learnt anything else, let me know. Take care of yourself, and each other.”