“Captain’s Log: Stardate 53420-something. Motherhood isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Of course, motherhood is pretty easy when you have a baby that is Half-Hologram. Whenever she starts crying, I simply say “Computer: End Program” and the baby disappears. I can then bring the baby back when she’s calmed down. However... For the life of me I can’t figure out how the heck the Doctor could be my baby’s father. The Doctor has no recollection of intimate relations with me. And I certainly don’t have any recollection of intimate relations with the Doctor, but then again I am a bit of a lush and the Doctor isn’t exactly the hottest babe on this ship... So maybe I blocked it out. But needless to say, the situation between me and the Doctor has grown very tense. Oh, damn, I better put some sort of update on the ship into my entry. How about this: We have resumed a course for home... again.”
Suddenly, a subspace anomaly decloaks off the port bow. Janeway looks at Tuvok, “Technobabble analysis, Tuvok?” Tuvok says, “It looks to be a subspace temporal shift wormhole. There are signs of an inter-dimensional propulsion Iso-Matrix and clear evidence of Anti-Quantum-Matter Tri-Quadric particle isotopes.”
Tuvok looks at the Judges:
Janeway is impressed, “Well done, Tuvok!” The ship moves closer to investigate...
Meanwhile, the legion of unemployed captains: Captain Kirk, Locutus and Sisko snicker about the brilliance of their new plan. Each of them has their own goal: Sisko wants to be Voyager’s Captain, Locutus wants Seven of Nine all to himself, and Captain Kirk wants Janeway all to himself.
Locutus says, “Yes, five days from now our subspace anomaly will decloak directly in front of Voyager and when they go to investigate it, the laser beam will disintegrate our wretched enemies.” At that moment, special guest star Wesley Crusher approaches Locutus (I can hear the screams of agony from the readers right now for bringing back Wesley Crusher). Wesley says to Locutus, “Uh, did you say five days from now??” Locutus says, “Yes.” Wesley replies, “Oh dear, I kind of have some bad news. I opened the subspace anomaly directly in front of Voyager about nine minutes ago.”
Captain Kirk is not happy, “Idiot!! In my day we never let children run the ship! In my day I slept with all the ladies! In my day we used stuff like ‘Z-minus 10,000 meters’ and not all this technobabble!” Locutus says, “Wesley, you dolt, you opened the anomaly before we had the chance to activate the disintegration beam. Voyager will simply investigate the anomaly and say, ‘Well, investigating this anomaly was a big-ass waste of time.’ ...Wesley, you’re finished!!” Locutus screams, “All hands: kill Wesley Crusher!!” (I can hear the screams of jubilation from the readers now for ordering Wesley Crusher’s execution.) Sisko says, “We must find another way to destroy Voyager.”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
“Well, investigating this anomaly was a big-ass waste of time,” said Janeway after discovering that the anomaly was boring. Voyager resumes a course toward home... again. When the Doctor comes rushing to the Bridge in a very bad mood, “Captain!! We need to discuss custody arrangements for our daughter!!” Janeway is not pleased and the Doctor continues, “I want joint custody.” Chakotay chimes in, “I just want a joint.”
Janeway says, “Joint custody??” The Doctor says, “Yes!! She’s my daughter, too. I want to have visitation on all Stardates ending with 3, 5, 8, 9 and 2. And I want her for holidays like the Day of Honor and Hologram Appreciation Day.” Janeway says, “You watch your tongue, Doctor, or I’ll just delete you.” Neelix chimes in, “Excuse me, but I think you need some legal assistance. I know for a fact that there’s a planet only ten light years away that is populated purely by lawyers... The planet is Schiester III.”
The Doctor scoffs, “Neelix, how the heck would you know this?? We’re about 45,000 light years away from Talaxia!” Neelix grabs the Doctor by the neck and says, “Look, Picardo, this is my first line of dialogue in almost four episodes... Don’t you dare ruin it for me!”
Janeway interrupts, “Well, Doctor, we have no choice... We must go to this planet and let the law decide who gets custody. Chakotay, you will be in charge till I get back. The Doctor and I will take a shuttlecraft to the planet.” Janeway and the Doctor pack their bags and head to the shuttlecraft.
The shuttle bay doors open and the shuttlecraft leaves Voyager. Kim says triumphantly, “Commander, there is an authorized shuttle launch in progress!!” Chakotay says, “I know... Mark it down, nitpickers!!!” Suddenly a ship jumps out of warp and approaches Voyager. Tuvok says, “That ship is about to explode!” Chakotay says, “Beam the passenger aboard.” The passenger is beamed aboard... It’s Wesley Crusher!! Wesley says, “Commander, I seek asylum on your vessel.” Chakotay says, “Asylum granted. You may now go to your quarters.” Wesley enters the turbolift and exits on Deck 8. He runs smack-dab into Naomi Wildman... Their eyes meet... It’s love at first sight...
Meanwhile, the shuttlecraft continues its journey. Janeway says, “Doctor, you know I still don’t understand how I ended up pregnant with your baby.” The Doctor says, “Nor do I.”
Suddenly, a space-time rift opens directly in front of the shuttlecraft. Janeway says, “It’s a space-time rift thing!! Where’s Tuvok when I need him??” The rift swallows the shuttlecraft and the Doctor and Janeway find themselves inside a Hirogen jail cell.
The Doctor says, “The Hirogen?? I thought we’d seen the last of them.” Janeway responds, “Not me... I always doubted that we’d seen the last of them.” The Doctor then says, “Hmmmm... This is strange... We have also traveled back in time. What a coincidence!! We have traveled to a point exactly nine months before you gave birth to my child!!” Janeway says, “Well, I’ll be damned!!”
At this point the Hirogen leader approaches them. Janeway asks, “What? Are you going to make us fight again??” The Hirogen says, “No, you pedantic drone. We have much more nefarious plans for you. We want the two of you to consummate your friendship... in the biblical sense.” The Doctor and Janeway both look at each other and say, “Ewwwww!!” Then Janeway asks the Hirogen, “But why??” The Hirogen responds, “Because we don’t like you, Janeway, or your silly little Doctor man. We want to make Voyager suffer. And we figured the best way to do that would to be to cause domestic problems for the Voyager crew. Phase one of our plan: The Janeway/Doctor Baby Scandal. The two of you aren’t leaving this room until she’s pregnant with your child.”
Once again, Janeway and The Doctor look at each other and say, “Ewwwwwwwwww!!”