The Voyager Coronary

The Voyager Coronary may be the funniest Trek parody I’ve ever read. I first found it posted at The Trek BBS, and I laughed myself silly every chapter. It started out as a little joke, but since then, it’s become a monster that could barely be stopped. Not only was it so popular that the regular readers at the Trek BBS frequently begged Cureboy to keep writing more stories, but it also served for the inspiration of other excellently funny parodies, including Star Trek: Series ?, The Trek Coronary, and The Adventures of Berman and Braga. But although it has been imitated, it has never been matched for its outrageous plots and sheer wackiness.

When I started to put my website together, I contacted Tim and asked him if I could add his hilarious stories to my humor archive. Obviously he said yes, because here it is, for you to enjoy!

This parody is rated:

Introduction by the Author

The Voyager Coronary began at a very cool Bulletin Board Internet Station called “Trek BBS” which can be found at www.trekbbs.com. The story started off as my way of making fun of those who would come to the Bulletin Board System and incessantly bash my favorite program: Star Trek: Voyager. These were the people who find the silliest, smallest little things to nit-pick about they whine about them for hours and hours and hours. So, I wrote my first chapter of The Voyager Coronary as a spoof/parody of some of those silly nit-pick items. I was hoping that to see all those nit-pick items in a single story would cause those incessant bashers to have a coronary... Hence the name!!

I had a lot of fun writing the first one, so I wrote another. And then I wrote another. I have a blast writing these. And I think there’s a couple people out there who enjoys reading them too... I hope so anyways.

I want to make something very clear, though. I love Star Trek: Voyager. It is my most favorite thing in this world. My stories may sound like I’m making fun of Star Trek, but I am simply a person who can laugh at the shortcomings of the show instead of turning them into these big crybaby excuses to tear down Star Trek. I have the utmost respect for Star Trek, but I know how to kid around with it... Okay??

If you ever have any comments (good or bad) I would love to hear from you!! Email me at cureboy675@aol.com.

Disclaimer: The Voyager Coronary and related stories are copyright © 1999-2001 Tim Mohr, and are reproduced with the permission of the author. Star Trek is a registered trademark of CBS Studios Inc. No copyright infringement is intended. This parody is for noncommercial purposes only. Read the complete legal notice for more information.

The Voyager Coronary: The Original Series

Chapter 1: “The Coronary Pilot”: The story that started it all. (Caretaker not included.)
Chapter 2: “Warbirds and Warp Particles”: Can the reset button save Voyager from evil Vulcans? No doubt!
Chapter 3: “The Dawn of Sweeps Month”: The evil Captain Kirk attacks Voyager; Seven of Nine does a UPN promo.
Chapter 4: “Foul-Ups, Flogging, and Folgers”: Tuvok discovers some technobabble that might get the crew back to Earth.
Chapter 5: “The Real Year of Hell, Part I”: No, we aren’t referring to a year of Chakotay parables, just some temporal paradoxes.
Chapter 6: “The Real Year of Hell, Part II”: The evil Captain Kirk returns, and Captain Janeway meets her future self. (It’s not a pretty sight.)
Chapter 7: “Mirror, Mirror, Mirror, Mirror, Mirror”: Voyager meets the Alternate Universe Voyager; Janeway discovers she’s pregnant.
Chapter 8: “Janeway Dearest”: Janeway’s behavior is more erratic than usual (if that’s possible), and Chakotay gets to make the pun of the century!
Chapter 9: “Chuckles in Charge”: Janeway joins the Borg to conceal her pregnancy; Chakotay lands on a 24th Century version of “Let’s Make a Deal.”
Chapter 10: “Sweet Child of Mine? Or His?? Or His???”: Janeway gives birth; the baby’s father is identified; the beginning of the Legion of Doom.
Chapter 11: “Papa Doc”: A custody battle begins, The Doctor steals one of Neelix’s lines, and the Hirogen return!
Chapter 12: “To Hell With the Hirogen”: Torres develops Reset Button Amnesia, and the Legion of Doom continues to plot revenge.
Chapter 13: “B’Elanna, B’Elanna, B’Elanna”: Evil Vidiians split Torres into a whole lot of aliens, and she’s kidnapped by the Legion of Doom. (She’s not having a good day.)
Chapter 14: “It’s a Wonderful Life... Without Seven of Nine”: The Voyager Christmas Special: Seven of Nine has an out-of-body experience and discovers how wonderful Voyager would be without her.
Chapter 15: “Why, oh Why? Why, Y2K, Why?”: The Y2K Bug strikes Voyager. But look at the bright side, Wesley Crusher dies in this one!
Chapter 16: “Is that Egg on Janeway’s Face?”: Janeway orders that Neelix and Naomi Wildman die; the Voyager crew plays a great game of Bingo!
Chapter 17: “The Trial of Captain Janeway”: Janeway goes on trial and is almost murdered. (She’s not having a good day.)
Chapter 18: “Who Shot Janeway???”: Tuvok finds Janeway’s attacker. Super exciting special guest stars: Edith Keeler and Zefram Cochrane!
Chapter 19: “Bizarre Love Triangle”: Tuvok creates a Holographic Janeway to curb his Pon Farr appetite.
Chapter 20: “Hologram Hooligans”: Ensign Kim blackmails the Holo-Janeway; the real Janeway and Seven of Nine get married. (NO! Not to each other!!)
Chapter 21: “Our Very Own Titanic”: Wesley Crusher is killed, (again??) Holo-Janeway joins the Legion of Doom, and Seven and Janeway board the Starship Titanic.
Chapter 22: “Tinker, Timeless, Threshold, Tuba”: Chakotay has an accident that is best described as a “pain in the rear,” and Harry plays with the timeline.
Chapter 23: “The Barge of the Brain Dead”: Voyager enters “The Void,” Locutus and Kirk escape the Gay Nexus, and evil Brain-Stealers threaten the Voyager crew.
Chapter 24: “The Wrath of Khan... and The Rock... and Naomi Wildman”: Khan and The Rock give Voyager a hand, and Naomi Wildman takes command of Voyager! (God help us all...)
Chapter 25: “Kes-Mania— The Biggest Promo Since ‘Tsunkatse’”: Holy Fury, Batman!! Kes returns and she’s not in a good mood, and the Doctor goes crazy with the Clone Juice.
Chapter 26: “The Bloodflowers of the Delta Quadrant”: The Legion of Doom finally gets control of Voyager, Seven thinks she’s a bombshell, and there’s a Cure Concert in the Gamma Quadrant!
Chapter 27: “Alpha Quadrant— Next Ten Exits”: Shirley Temple and prank phone calls figure in the battle to retake Voyager; and Voyager finally enters the Alpha Quadrant.
Chapter 28: “Hi Honey, I’m Home!”: Voyager finally gets to Earth; Most of the bridge crew is arrested; Seven of Nine gets a restraining order; and Tuvok’s wife eats a bad tuna fish sandwich.
Chapter 29: “It’s the Kazon! Oh crap crap crap crap!”: Voyager returns to the Delta Quadrant; Janeway meets the Caretaker’s brother-in-law; Seska and the Kazon return. Special guest star: Mr. Robert Smith of The Cure.
Chapter 30: “Welcome to Seska’s Un-Fair Haven”: A Holographic Seska wreaks havoc on Fair Haven; Janeway’s holographic boy-toy is doomed; and the Legion of Doom find a very convenient spatial vortex.
Chapter 31: “The Undiscovered Hippie Dimension”: Voyager and the Legion of Doom travel to a groovy, far-out, flower child alternate universe; Seska outsmarts Janeway (which isn’t too terribly difficult).
Chapter 32: “Celebrity Death Match— Khan vs. Nixon!”: Seska gets her hands on Voyager’s command codes; Chakotay romances Janeway; the Legion of Doom meets their new cohort. (Special Guest Star: The deceased Richard Nixon!)
Chapter 33: “Just Your Basic Scorpion-Equinox Cliffhanger”: Seska plays Harry like a fiddle, Chakotay pops the question to Janeway, and three different cliffhangers occur at once!
Chapter 34: “The Ultimate Cliffhanger Conclusion”: The conclusion to that ultimate cliffhanger: Voyager battles the Borg, the Kazon and the USS Equinox; Janeway has a bad experience with Borg coffee...
Chapter 35: “The Cherry-Flavored Salvation!”: The Doctor works feverishly to remove Janeway from the Borg Collective; the Legion of Doom resurfaces... again; and Harry Kim challenges Seven of Nine to a round of Strip Poker!
Chapter 36: “The New and Improved, Lemon-Scented Borg Queen”: Janeway answers Chakotay’s marriage proposal; Voyager rushes to rescue Mr. Kim and Seven of Nine; the Borg hold an election to choose their new Queen.
Chapter 37: “Get Your Hands off My Maquis!”: Janeway fumes when she realizes Chakotay has set his sights on Seven of Nine; Controversy rocks the Borg Queen election; Kes and Odo-Kes get a storyline!
Chapter 38: “The Final Legion of Doom Battle (No Really, We Mean It!)”: Janeway takes drastic (and I mean drastic!) measures to win back Chakotay; the stage is set for the ultimate final battle between Voyager and the Legion of Doom. (No really, we mean it!)
Chapter 39: “The Final Chapter”: Khan’s Mother lectures the Legion of Doom, Queen Kes leads an attack on Species 8472, and Janeway forgets how to turn off the self destruct!

The Coronary Regeneration

Chapter 40: “The Undoing of the Final Chapter!”: Events on Voyager take a turn for the worse: Father Kim tells Janeway to say 47 Hail Marys, the Doctor and Torres pretend to be dating, and Seska plants a bomb in Voyager’s Holographic Minister.
Chapter 39: “The Lost Episodes”: Due to an unfortunate accident involving disk erasure, “Cureboy” rewrites the last two chapters...
Chapter 40: “The Sulu Excelsior Campaign”: Captain Sulu founds the Excelsior Campaign, Janeway’s long-lost husband returns, and another of those pesky transporter malfunction occurs!
Chapter 41: “The Holier-than-Thou Seven of Nine”: The LUSTers begin their latest plan to take over Voyager, and Seven of Nine performs an exorcism!
Chapter 42: “Where the Kisses are Hers and Hers and His”: Janeway, Chakotay, and Seven of Nine must be left behind on an alien planet; Captain Sulu continues with his evil Excelsior Campaign; and the Doctor creates a Holo-Suder to help him escape!
Chapter 43: “The Pinky Swear of Death”: Tuvok decides to rejoin the crew of the USS Excelsior, Chakotay is about to get married to Wesley Crusher, and Neelix takes command of Voyager, on a horrifying new Coronary!
Chapter 44: “Now That’s What I Call Fury!”: The Borg negotiate with Captain Sulu to obtain some Cardassian Rat Poison, and another Janeway appears from the future.
Chapter 45: “Time and Again... And Again... And Again... And Again...”: Janeway is thrown back in time to the first season; Queen Kes makes a time trip of her own, and the stage is set for the real final battle of The Voyager Coronary!!! (Yes, this time we really mean it!)
Chapter 46: “The Best of Both Coronaries, Part I”: Queen Kes comes up with a plan to assimilate Voyager into the Borg Collective, Janeway and Chakotay finally get married, and the final showdown begins!!! (Yes, this time we really mean it!)
Chapter 47: “The Best of Both Coronaries, Part II”: The Voyager Coronary comes to a stunning conclusion as Cureboy wraps up the biggest cliffhangers ever!

The Voyager Coronary: The Movies

The Voyager Coronary: The Slow-Motion Picture

Part One: After Voyager returns to Earth, Janeway finds that she has nothing to do... until a massive cloud destroys Deep Space Nine and gives the crew a shot at their own movie!
Part Two: When a slow-motion wormhole wreaks havoc on Voyager, the crew runs out of deuterium (again!), and one of the crew must be left behind!
Part Three: Chakotay plans revenge on Voyager, we meet yet another Borg Queen (Special Guest Star: Lucille Ball), and the Evil Nebula sends a probe aboard Voyager, in the form of Commander Worf!
Part Four: Captain Janeway discovers the true origins of the Tota Nebula, the Duplicate Voyager agrees to help the Borg assimilate the Klingon Homeworld, and Chakotay finally gets some character development!

The Voyager Coronary II: The Wrath of Chakotay

Part One: The Voyager crew is bored to death at Starfleet Academy, where they’re stuck filling pointless roles in the infamous Kobayashi Maru scenario. Meanwhile... Chakotay escapes from the Toyota Planet, hijacks the Starship Repellent, and tries to kill Captain Janeway!
Part Two: Voyager sets course for the Toyota Planet, hoping to rescue the crew of the Repellent. Meanwhile, Chakotay and his minions set a trap for Janeway!

The Voyager Coronary III: The Search for Cureboy

Guest Episode by Dan

Part One: Janeway and her crew discover that Starfleet has big plans for the Franchise... the only problem is, those plans don’t include Voyager. Special Guest Stars: Dwight Schultz and Jonathan Frakes!
Part Two: Voyager is attacked by more Voyager-bashers, and the crew discovers the true secret of the Toyota Homeworld! Special Guest Stars: Captain Picard, Captain Archer, and Zeke!

The Voyager Coronary: Janeway’s Therapy

Chapter 1: “Jetrel’s Learning Curve”: Janeway reminisces about one of the more disturbing adventures aboard Voyager in the Delta Quadrant: The Attack of the Giant Cheese!
Chapter 2: “The 37’s Projections”: Continuing Janeway’s flashback, she remembers her encounter with the legendary Amelia Earhart, while the Doctor goes nuts...
Chapter 3: “The Twisted Elogium”: Suffering from a sledgehammer blow to the head, Janeway reminisces about one of the more horrifying episodes during her journey through the Delta Quadrant... when Neelix almost gets a chance to procreate!
Chapter 4: “Moron Maneuvers”: Still on the trip down memory lane, Janeway recalls one of the times when she was really mad at Chakotay...
Chapter 5: “Unizero Matrix, Part I”: Janeway gets back at Sigmund of Freud by telling him the story of one of Voyager’s most “exciting” cliffhangers...
Chapter 6: “Dreadnought vs. Juggernaut!”: Janeway seems to be losing her mind more than ever now, as she describes the showdown between two of the Delta Quadrant’s most feared starships: Dreadnought and Juggernaut!
Chapter 7: “The Q Threshold”: Dr. Freud is horrified by Janeway’s account of this little incident...
Chapter 8: “Deadbolt”: Janeway takes a few hits of acid to help her recall one of Voyager’s more interesting missions...
Chapter 9: “Unizero Matrix, Part II”: After weeks of eager anticipation, Janeway finally relents and tells Dr. Freud the gripping conclusion to her adventure in the Unizero Matrix!
Chapter 10: “Basics Training”: This week, Doctor Fraud... I mean Freud... uh, discusses another one of Janeway’s cliffhanger adventures!
Chapter 11: “Pray for the Prey”: Doctor Freud returns after a mysterious absence, and Janeway talks about how she tried to save an 8472 from the Hirogen.
Chapter 12: “The Killing Game of Scrabble”: Janeway tells the story of the time she faced down 3,047 Hirogen warships!
Chapter 13: “The Dreaded B’Elanna Depression Arc”: Our favorite psychotic starship captain tells Doctor Freud the story of her favorite psychotic chief engineer...
Chapter 14: “The Imperfection Repression”: Now is the Holy Time... Seven wants to hack apart Icheb for spare parts, and Tuvok is in a really bad mood!
Chapter 15: “Someone to Watch Over My Coda”: Janeway is accused of insurance fraud after she dies numerous times, and Seven considers her first date!
Chapter 16: “Shattered, Scattered, and Splattered”: The temporal anomaly-of-the-week gives Chakotay his first storyline in months!
Chapter 17: “Joe Carey - The Real Living Witness”: Discover the real reason why everyone’s favorite phantom engineer mysteriously disappeared!
Chapter 18: “The Lineage-Repentance Combo”: B’Elanna discovers that she is pregnant, and wants to genetically engineer the baby so that she will be a fan of The Cure.
Chapter 19: “The False Profit Prophecy”: Voyager finds a bunch of Klingon whackos who think that B’Elanna’s unborn child is the Klingon Savior Baby!
Chapter 20: “The Night of the Living Void”: Voyager wanders into The Void (the Void in space, not the Void in Neelix’s head...) and becomes the victim of an interstellar panty raid!
Chapter 21: “The Year of Chell”: The ship is going nowhere fast when Chell takes command of Voyager!
Chapter 22: “May the Workforce Be With You”: The crew gets brainwashed into an alien Workforce, and the only hope for their return is Chakotay, Harry, and Neelix! (God help us all...)
Chapter 23: “Little House on the Dark Frontier”: Janeway starts talking like a UPN Promo, and tells Sigmund of Freud about the two-hour Voyager event when they got to ruin the Borg!
Chapter 24: “Flesh and Blood and Those Bloody Holograms”: Captain Janeway’s therapy sessions with Doctor Freud are drawing towards a close, as she tells the tale of another two-hour Voyager event!
Chapter 25: “All Good Therapies...”: Soon after Sigmund of Freud declares that Janeway is now Cure-ed, she is sued for the wrongful death of the Caretaker.

The Voyager Coronary: The Final Thrombosis

Chapter 1: “Raiders of the Plot Arc”: Due to a mysterious temporal anomaly, Janeway finds herself back in the Delta Quadrant, with only seven episodes remaining in Voyager’s epic journey home!
Chapter 2: “Hope and Fear... and Morons”: The Anti-Voyagers continue to plot revenge, Arturis sets his trap for Janeway, and Icheb runs around the bridge naked.
Chapter 3: “The Year of Swell”: Janeway faces down the Borg Queen... again; the Anti-Voyagers make Holo-Janeway their new captain, and the serial murderer strikes again!
Chapter 4: “The Battle of the CGI Starships”: Captain Braxton, Captain Ransom, and Seska attack the Dauntless with three cool CGI ships, and the Anti-Voyagers negotiate with the Borg Queen. Oh... and Naomi Wildman is brutally shot, stabbed, and beaten, in a special UPN event!
Chapter 5: “The Afterbirth of the Federation”: The serial killer aboard Voyager strikes again... and again... and again, and Janeway takes off in yet another wrong direction.
Chapter 6: “The Best of Both Borg Queens”: Queen Alice and Queen Sue battle for control of the Borg, and Captain Janeway tries to make sure that Zefram Cochrane’s warp flight is a success... yet again. Special guest star: Captain Picard!
Chapter 7: “Game Over”: Voyager has been sent all the way back to the Ocampa Homeworld, and the end is near for the crew of Voyager, in this special Coronary grand finale!

The Voyager Coronary: Special Feature Episodes

”Voyager: Bummer Central”: Voyager gets in serious trouble: B’Elanna’s been patching the ship together with Scotch Tape, Chakotay suddenly remembers that he’s a Maquis, and the Borg from “The Best of Both Worlds” return. It’s officially Crunch Time!
“A Very Voyager Christmas”: The Borg Queen starts channeling the Grinch when she goes back in time to kill Santa Claus and keep Christmas from coming!
“The Borg-less Episode”: When annoyed fans start to complain about the “Borg Crutch,” Janeway is forced to ignore the obvious the Borg really are everywhere!
“The Alpha Quadrant Episode”: When the crew learns that the Federation was recently involved in a war in the Alpha Quadrant, the news sparks off dozens of arguments about the shocking events.
“Consistency Crises”: After Voyager gets home, Janeway has to explain to Admiral Paris just how Voyager made it so far across the Delta Quadrant...
“The Endgame to End All Endgames”: Cureboy returns to the starship Voyager once again, to parodize the series finale!
“Star Trek X-10-Ten: The Rise of Janeway”: Captain Janeway makes her grand arrival on the Big Screen, and saves Captain Picard, the Enterprise-E, and the Federation itself from certain destruction!