Chapter 19: “Bizarre Love Triangle”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain’s Log: Like the sands through the hourglass so are the stardates of our lives. We have resumed a course toward home... again. Tuvok is still suffering from the Pon farr. He finally quit chasing after me to be his mating partner when I told him I had a headache. Tuvok’s been taking cold showers every 20 minutes, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. The Doctor suggested Tuvok go to the Holodeck and have a holographic tryst with the woman of his dreams in order to satisfy his Pon farr. So that’s where Tuvok is now.”
Suddenly, the evil Enterprise-E decloaks off the port bow. Granted, it is 100 light-years away. But still, it was decloaking off the port bow. Mr. Kim says, “Cripes! It’s the return of the Enterprise-E! I just picked them up on long-range sensors!” Chakotay asks, “What about short-range sensors?” Kim replies, “No... they are too far away for short-range sensors.” Chakotay (who isn’t always the best at coming up with a good strategy) says, “Hmmmmmm... This might be a good time to test our short-range sensors. Move us closer to the Enterprise, take us to short-range sensor range!!” Janeway gets up from her Captain’s chair, walks over to Chakotay, smacks him, and says, “Idiot! If we do that, then the Enterprise and the Legion of Doom will know exactly where we are!! We might as well just transmit our coordinates, you pedantic drone!” Chakotay says, “Good idea.” He promptly transmits Voyager’s coordinates to the Legion of Doom.
Janeway says, “Ugh! Chakotay, I think your vision quest machine has finally killed off the last of your brain cells. Now we have to have a terrible battle! Lets go to red alert!” Paris chimes in, “Captain, the red alert is still broken.” Janeway replies, “Damn! All right, we will have to improvise. Mr. Kim turn off 90% of the lights on the bridge. Mr. Paris, you are in charge of making the beeping Red Alert sound.” Paris is impressed because he thinks that sound important, “Yes Ma’am. Beeep... Beeep.... Beeep...”
Meanwhile, Tuvok plays with the computer controls on Holodeck Two. Since the real Captain Janeway wouldn’t surrender to his passion, Tuvok has begun creating a holographic Captain Janeway. An image of Janeway stands in front of him. Tuvok says, “Computer: First of all remove any vocal subroutines. This Janeway is not allowed to speak whatsoever! Well she can speak some, but she is not to be as irritating as the current Janeway. Now let’s see... I always liked her hair in a bun, so computer: replace that hairdo she has now with a big poofy bun. Now, remove the current breasts and add the same size that is found on Seven of Nine. Okay, and the Starfleet uniform has to go. Put her in a big yellow polka-dot dress. Good. Now add a pair of spiked high heels. Now add a leather jacket. Excellent! And now make this Janeway worship me and desire me with every fiber of her being.” The computer changes are correct and Tuvok says, “Active program ‘Better Janeway One’!”
With that the Holo-Janeway comes to life and says, “Oh Tuvok! How you doing, baby?” Tuvok then begins work on the ‘Super 8 Motel’ part of the program...
Meanwhile, on the Bridge. The Enterprise is closing in on Voyager. Mr. Kim says, “They will be in weapons range in 20 seconds!” Mr. Paris continues, “Beeep... beeep... beeep” Kim adds, “We should raise our shields!” Chakotay says, “No! That’s exactly what they’ll be expecting us to do!” Janeway says, “Uh, yeah Chakotay. Because if we don’t do it, they’ll blow us into 100,000 pieces.” The light-bulb comes on over Chakotay’s head, “Ooooh, I see your point.” The Enterprise hails Voyager and Locutus appears on screen. Locutus says, “It’s over, Janeway. This time it’s really and truly over. Your vessel will be captured and finally I will have Seven of Nine, Captain Kirk will have you, and Captain Sisko will have Voyager!”
Janeway says, “Never! Unless you have something bigger in your torpedo tubes.” Chakotay says, “Captain, these aren’t the Krenim, that’s the damn flagship of the Federation. They can blow us out of the sky!” With that, the Enterprise starts firing on Voyager.
Meanwhile, the battle starts affecting things on the Holodeck. The room starts shaking and a big piece of conduit falls from the heavens and lands on Tuvok, knocking him out cold. Holo-Janeway sees this as the opportunity to escape. Holo-Janeway grabs the holographic mobile emitter and escapes the Holodeck.
A nitpicker screams, “Wait a minute!! Where the hell did the mobile emitter come from??” Then the real Janeway makes a ship-wide announcement, “I have enacted the Voyager Directive. Plot holes and continuity have been rescinded for the remainder of the episode.” With that, Holo-Janeway begins heading for the Bridge.
Back on the Bridge, Voyager is losing this conflict! Mr. Kim says, “Captain, our shields are down to 2%!” Janeway says, “Mr. Paris, can you take us to warp??” Paris replies, “Beeep... beeep... beeep.” Finally Mr. Kim says, “Captain! Our shields are down!!!”
On the Enterprise, Locutus says, “Excellent. Prepare to finish them off.” Sisko says, “Damn! Locutus, we had a phaser overload!” Locutus replies, “Hmmmph! Some flagship! Very well. Transporter Room #93: Beam Janeway from the Bridge and beam Seven of Nine from Astrometrics.” Sisko asks, “You have 93 transporter rooms??” Locutus responds, “Actually, we just have two. But we call them Transporter Room 32 and 93, just to impress people.”
Back on Voyager’s bridge. The crew watches in horror as they see Janeway beamed off the ship. Mr. Kim says, “They also beamed Seven of Nine aboard! And they’re jumping to warp speed!” Chakotay says, “Yes!! I’m Captain again!” Suddenly, Holo-Janeway exits the turbolift and enters the bridge. Chakotay is the first to say, “Damn!!“. Mr. Kim says, “Captain... I don’t understand. They beamed you aboard their ship. And now you are here, with your hair in a bun, and a polka-dot dress and spiked heels? And bigger breasts???” Holo-Janeway doesn’t know what the hell is going on. Kim says, “Oh wait, the Enterprise must have performed some bizarre experiments on you, and then you escaped and beamed yourself to the turbolift!”
Holo-Janeway says, “No Harry, you idiot! You were close. But I beamed myself to Deck Two and then took the turbolift to the bridge. You better get your theories straight if you ever want to make Lieutenant.” After their duty shift ends, Tom and Harry are on their way to the Mess Hall. Harry says, “Janeway was tough on me earlier. I was right about everything except the turbolift thing and she chewed me out in front of the crew. Why is she such a mean old lady??” Paris replies, “Beeep... Beeep... Beeep...”
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise. Seven and the real Janeway are locked in the brig. They see two wedding gowns hanging on the wall. Seven says, “Captain... They gave you a white wedding dress... Oh Puh-Leez!! Ha ha ha ha ha!” Janeway promptly slaps Seven and says, “Don’t start with me, Seven. We have to find a way out of here, or else we’ll be forced to marry those dolts and I’ll be Captain Kathryn Janeway-Kirk. And you’ll be Seven of Nine of Locutus of Picard of Patrick Stewart of Borg of Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 001.” Seven responds, “Good Gravy Marie! I don’t like the sound of that. You’re right, we must find a way to escape. But don’t you think Voyager will come after us?” Janeway answers, “Oh yes, I know they will. There is no doubt in mind about that. The crew has already begun formulating a plan to rescue us. We will be saved in the next 12 hours, or my name isn’t Captain Kathryn Janeway!!!”
Meanwhile, back on Voyager...
“This is Captain Kathryn Janeway to all decks. We are not going to attempt a rescue of Seven of Nine. I have uncovered that she’s been sending secret messages to the Legion of Doom for weeks now. She’s been telling them all of our plans, our course headings, and even our showering habits!! When I escaped from the Legion of Doom, Seven told me she didn’t want to come back with me. She told me she was perfectly happy with the Legion of Doom. So I say the hell with Seven of Nine. I say I look damn good in my new hairdo and clothes. We are going to resume a course toward home... again. And we aren’t even going to worry about Seven of Nine. In fact: Cancel Red Alert!”
Paris says, “Beeep... beeep... What??? Canceled?? Thank God!”
“Holo-Janeway’s Log: Holo-Date: Holo-Supplemental. The crew seems to be buying my story. They believe that I am their beloved Janeway. The only person who could possibly give me away is Tuvok. And if he opens his big Vulcan mouth, I’m going to smack the boy silly.”
Meanwhile, in Sickbay. Tuvok finally awakens from his injuries. The Doctor says, “Good News! You are awake. The Pon Farr no longer seems to be affecting you. So tell me, how are you?” Tuvok says, “Huh... What??” The Doctor says, “Oh dear. This can’t be good. Can you tell me your name?” Tuvok says, “Ummmmm... Ralph??”
The Doctor says, “Cripes! Tuvok has amnesia. What an ingenious plot-twist! I must tell the Captain immediately!” The Doctor begins looking around and says, “Hmmmm... I can’t seem to find my mobile emitter....” (insert dramatic music here)
(what the Hell, insert loud claps of thunder and some dramatic music)