Chapter 25: “Kes-Mania: The Biggest Promo Since ‘Tsunkatse’”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published February 14, 2000


Contrary to what the UPN Promos advertised, this week’s The Voyager Coronary will NOT involve a storyline in which Seven of Nine is abducted by Hugh Hefner and forced to participate in a wet T-shirt contest. We regret any confusion this may have caused...

“Captain’s Log: Stardate: The day before Bloodflowers (The Cure’s new album) is released. Our newest crewmember, Mr. Chakotuvix, has made quite an impression on the crew. He loves to tell parables about Vulcan poetry that he studied while on Talaxia... or is it Talax? Anyways, we’ve resumed a course toward home... again. We’re keeping our eyes peeled for the Legion of Doom. They are certainly a persistent group of bastards, but we do not fear them! I am never going to fear the Legion of Doom as long as I live!!”

Suddenly, Mr. Kim says, “Captain!! It’s the Legion of Doom! They’re on an intercept course!” Janeway says, “Oh God!” and she wets herself. After a quick change of pants Janeway says, “Mr. Chakotuvix, get us out of here... warp nine!” Chakotuvix says, “Aye, Captain!”

On the Enterprise-E...

Locutus says, “This is pointless. We have no way of defeating Voyager. We need to come up with a plan.” Kirk replies, “A plan? Why would we want a plan?” Sisko says, “I’ve got it! We can send my shapeshifter aboard Voyager. I think his name is Odo.” Kirk asks sternly, “You think it’s Odo??”

Sisko replies, “Give me a break! The author has only seen but one DS9 episode. So, like it or not, his name will be Odo.” Locutus replies, “Very well. How will you get Odo on board Voyager?”

Sisko replies, “Simple... We’ll put him on board a shuttlecraft and he’ll morph into Kes, the long-lost Voyager crew member.” Khan chimes in, “Very good! And then the shuttlecraft will ram into Voyager, and Kes will board the ship!”

Kirk asks, “But wait! The crew would never believe it. That Kes would want to destroy Voyager. They’d never buy that!” Sisko says, “Oh, but they will... mwaaa ha ha ha ha!”

Meanwhile, back on Voyager...

The Doctor calls Janeway down to Sickbay. The Doctor says, “Captain!! Guess what? I figured out to separate Chakotuvix back into the individual crew members of Chakotay, Tuvok and Neelix!!”

Janeway says, “Okay, and why did you have to interrupt my bubblebath to tell me this?” The Doctor says, “I can bring back the three crew members, but then Chakotuvix will die.”

Janeway replies, “Oh well... I say kill the punk.” The Doctor screams, “What??? How could you possibly give that order??” Janeway answers, “Because I’m mean.”

Janeway then pauses and says, “Wait... Doctor!! I know! We can clone Chakotuvix and then separate the real Chakotuvix back into Chakotay, Neelix and Tuvok.” The Doctor says, “Huh? Captain?? If we can clone them, then why didn’t you clone Tuvix the time that he was created??” Janeway answers, “Because I’m mean.”

Hours later... on the Bridge...

Chakotay has returned and has finished his new best-seller, The Best Dirty Parables of All Time. He’s autographing the books on the bridge when Tuvok says, “Captain! There’s a shuttlecraft coming this way!” Janeway says, “What?? Finally! We’ve lost over 200 shuttlecraft, we could use a new one!”

Tuvok says, “Captain! It looks like Kes! She’s going to ram us!” Janeway hails Odo-Kes and says, “Kes, my dear! Welcome back! How are you? Have you lost weight? You look great! Now will you please not ram us??” Odo-Kes says, “No dice, Janeway!”

With that, the shuttlecraft rams Voyager. Janeway says, “Why, that little snot! Lock phasers and fire!” Suddenly Mr. Kim says, “Captain! I’m showing another shuttlecraft on an intercept course... It’s Kes... again!!”

Janeway freaks, “Two Keses? Is that the plural form of Kes? Is it Keses or Kesi?” Tuvok says, “Captain! This is no time for grammar, you obnoxious twit! We can’t possibly defeat both shuttlecraft!”

Janeway says, “Very well, beam both Keses aboard.” Janeway walks toward the turbolift. She stops by the tactical station and gives Tuvok an elbow to the face. She then says, “Don’t call me an obnoxious twit.” Janeway heads to the transporter room as the two Keses are beamed aboard. Janeway says, “Okay, what gives? Obviously one of you is not the real Kes and I intend to find out which one of you is the fake. I don’t care how long it takes!”

The real Kes says, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!!” Odo-Kes says, “Yes!! Kes is mad... Oops, I mean I am mad... Yeah. I’m real mad.” (insert nervous laughter) Janeway pauses, “Hmmm...this is going to be harder than I expected.”

Suddenly, 47 Chakotuvixes enter the transporter room. Janeway scream, “By God! So many Chakotuvixes... Or is it Chakotuvixi?” Chakotay calls from the Bridge, “Captain!! There are 147 Chakotuvixes aboard the ship. They have taken control of the ship! We’re totally outnumbered!” Janeway calls to Sickbay, “Doctor!! You pedantic drone, what have you done??”

The Doctor says, “Heh heh... I think I made too much clone juice, Captain.”

Janeway says, “Argh! Remind me to reprogram you.” Janeway turns to the two Keses and says, “As for you two, I’m not through with you. I demand to know which one of you is not the real Kes!!”

Odo-Kes suddenly clicks his commbadge and says, “Legion of Doom— This is Odo! The Voyager has been taken over by a group of Chakotuvix clones. This is the perfect opportunity to attack!!”

Janeway (who was never really the sharpest knife in the drawer) says, “I mean it, you two!! I want to know which one of you is the real Kes!”

Meanwhile...back on the Enterprise-E...

Sisko says to his cohorts, “Good news! Voyager is terribly vulnerable. This is our chance to exact our revenge!”

Khan drifts away from reality again, “I shall leave them as they left me... as they left her... marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet...” Sisko replies, “Oh Khan, stop it!”

Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...

The Chakotuvix clones are on the Bridge, planning their next act. At that moment, Seven of Nine enters the bridge, wearing only a string bikini. Chakotay says, “Seven!! You dolt! You aren’t supposed to appear in this episode!! Especially in that get-up!”

The Lead Clone says, “Hey! We’re in command now! And Seven of Nine, you may stay!”

Seven turns to Chakotay and sticks her tongue at him as if to say, “Nanny nanny, boo-boo.”

And the intrigue continues...

UPN Promo for Next Week’s The Voyager Coronary:

“Next time, on an all-new Voyager. A mysterious culture makes Seven of Nine a porn star and she contemplates leaving the ship. It’s just like ‘Virtuoso,’ except it’s rated NC-17!”