Chapter 30: “Welcome to Seska’s Un-Fair Haven”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published February 29, 2000

“Captain’s Log: Leap Year Day. Is that exciting or what?!?! We are still inside Kazon space, and the crew continues to blame this all on me. I’m not alone in the blame at all!! I ordered Tuvok to destroy the Array, he didn’t have to do it you know... He could have just as easily said no. So I’m going to start pointing the finger at Tuvok.”

Suddenly, Janeway is interrupted by the annoying sound of the red-alert buzzer. She races to the bridge and says, “What’s going on??? Why the red alert?? Tuvok must have screwed something up, huh? Just like the time he destroyed the array!”

Chakotay answers, “Actually, Captain, we have a problem down in Holodeck Two.”

Janeway freaks, “What?? We can’t lose the Holodecks! They give us 47% of our storylines! Transfer power from life support to the holodeck!!”

Chakotay interrupts, “No, Captain... It’s nothing like that. There just seems to have been some sort of computer glitch. Because Holo-Seska, from the ‘Worst Case Scenario’ episode, has somehow ended up in Fair Haven.”

Janeway says, “Well cut my legs off and call me shorty. How did this happen anyways?”

Chakotay responds, “I don’t know... I’m not in charge of technobabble. All I can tell you is that Fair Haven is at the mercy of Holo-Seska.” Janeway says, “Whoa! We better get down there and straighten things out! Mr. Kim, take control of the Bridge.”

Kim responds, “Yes Captain, I’m taking over control of the Bridge... And I’d like to bid four hearts.”

The crew gives Mr. Kim a freaky look. Then Kim corrects himself, “Ooooooh... You meant the starship bridge and not the card game... heh heh...”

Meanwhile... On the Enterprise-E...

Captain Sisko demands, “I need a progress report!!”

Locutus answers, “Well, we are still about 47,000 light years away from Voyager. At our current rate of speed, we won’t reach Voyager for another 47 years.”

Sisko asks, “How many chapters is that?”

Locutus replies, “Lots!”

Sisko says, “Damn! We must find a way to get there quicker. Begin scanning for wormholes!!” The Legion of Doom begin their scans...

Holo-Janeway says, “Sisko! Look! I already found a wormhole!!” Sisko looks at the computer display and turns to Holo-Janeway and says, “That’s not a wormhole... That’s a spatial vortex!!”

Holo-Janeway argues, “But... It works just like a wormhole... And it leads right to Voyager!!”

Sisko then says, “I don’t want a spatial vortex, I want a wormhole!!.... Idiot. Continue searching for a wormhole!”

Meanwhile... on Holodeck Two...

Janeway, Chakotay and Lt. Torres sneak into the holographic simulation. They find that Fair Haven has been left in total ruin. They then see Holo-Seska sitting on a bench laughing her ass off. Lt. Torres rushes over to Holo-Seska and says, “You destroyed Fair Haven??? Oh, Holo-Seska, you are the bomb!”

Janeway gives Torres a really really really dirty look. Then Torres corrects herself, “Um, I mean... You destroyed Fair Haven?? Oh, Holo-Seska, you must have done it with a bomb...”

Janeway walks up to Holo-Seska and says, “You holo-tramp!! What have you done?? Where’s my holographic boy-toy??”

Holo-Seska replies, “Oh him?? He said something about being in love with you, Janeway. And that definitely means he is an utter moron. So I deleted him from the database.... Mwaaa ha ha ha ha!”

A single tear runs down her face and she says, “You deleted my boyfriend?? Why did you do that, Holo-Seska??”

Holo-Seska answers, “Because I’m holo-mean.”

Chakotay interrupts, “I think that was the subject of yesterday’s Jerry Springer: ‘You deleted my boyfriend and I want to know why!!’”

Janeway pulls a monkey wrench out and smacks Chakotay on the head with it and she says, “Nobody asked you... Gilligan!!

Chakotay growls...

Meanwhile... in Voyager’s Brig...

Odo-Kes says, “Sooooo... Read any good books lately?” Kes replies, “No, of course not! I’ve been dead for the past five years!!”

Odo-Kes says, “Oh yeah. I forgot. Sooooo... did you catch the big game on Sunday?? No, I forgot, you wouldn’t have. You were dead.”

Kes agrees, “Yup, I was dead. Do you think we’ll ever get out of here...?”

Meanwhile... back on the Holodeck...

Holo-Seska pulls a gun on Janeway, Chakotay and Torres. Holo-Seska says, “It’s all over Janeway! I’m going to kill all of you right now!”

Janeway says, “Ha!! The Hell you are. We are on the Holodeck, and the safeguards have been activated. Your weapon will never hurt me as long as the hologram safeguards remain activated.”

Holo-Seska then says, “Computer: Deactivate the holographic safeguards!”

Janeway then says, “Heh heh heh... Oops, shouldn’t have told you that, huh?”

Meanwhile... on the Bridge...

Tuvok announces, “Good news, Mr. Kim! I’ve found a way to reprogram Holo-Seska. I can turn her into a nice girl. A regular goody-two-shoes. And then she won’t kill the Captain, Chakotay and Torres!”

Kim says, “Hmmmmm... but if they die, I get to remain Captain!”

Mr. Paris then says, “Hmmmmm... if you let my woman die, Mr. Kim, you’re going to be walking with a pronounced limp for the rest of your life!”

Mr. Kim then says, “Tuvok!! Reprogram Holo-Seska!!”

So, back to the Holodeck...

Holo-Seska is about to kill our heroes when suddenly WHAMMO! she turns really nice. She says, “Whoa! What am I doing here?? What’s going on?? good to see you again! Torres, how’s your family doing? Make sure you give them all my love. And Captain Janeway, you look fantastic... have you lost weight??”

Chakotay whispers to Janeway, “She sounds like Eddie Haskell.” Torres says, “No, Mr. Tuvok reprogrammed her. She’s now a nice hologram.” Janeway then says, “Yay! We can now make Holo-Seska a member of our crew. Oh, I love it when things work out. All’s well that ends well... That’s what I always say.”

Meanwhile... on board a Kazon ship...

Seska informs Culluh, “Culluh, my fuzzy-wuzzy cutie pie. I’ve just learned that Janeway has asked a holographic version of me to join the crew.” Culluh replies, “Really? How incredibly exciting. I may just faint right here. Yup, oh is that ever exciting.”

Seska says, “Oh there you go with the sarcasm again! Anyways, I’ve had a brilliant idea... It’s gonna be soooooo cool.”

Minutes later, on board Voyager...

Holo-Seska goes to her new quarters for a few hours’ sleep. All of the sudden, the real Seska beams into Holo-Seska’s quarters. Seska says, “Sorry, babe. You’re out of here. Computer, delete Holo-Seska!!”

With that, Holo-Seska vanishes. Seska says, “I doubt Janeway’s seen the last of her.” So then Seska makes a secret transmission to Culluh and says, “Guess what, my little Delta Quadrant dumpling?? I’m now on board Voyager. And the whole crew thinks I am this wonderfully nice person. Not for long.... mwaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

Meanwhile... on Voyager’s bridge...

Mr. Tuvok announces, “Captain!! I’ve located a spatial vortex directly ahead! My God, it takes us 47,000 light years closer to Earth! It will eliminate 47 years from our journey!”

Janeway says, “Hmmmm... I don’t know about those vortexes... or is it vortexi?? Anyways, I think I’d rather hold out for a wormhole.”

Tuvok argues, “Captain! If I call it a wormhole, can we use it??”

Janeway answers, “Hmmmm... I don’t see a problem with that. We should enter the vortex. It’s not like the Legion of Doom will be waiting on the other side of the Vortex, ready to destroy us...” (insert foreshadowing music here....)

Janeway continues, “Let’s do it, Professor. Set a course for the vortex!”

UPN Promo for Next Week’s The Voyager Coronary:

Next time, on an all-new Coronary. An evil Vidiian experiment makes Seven of Nine two pounds heavier. She no longer fits into her Borg catsuit and must wander around Voyager naked. On a very special (and ‘X’-rated) Coronary!