Chapter 33: “Just Your Basic Scorpion-Equinox Cliffhanger” (Part 1 of 2)
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain’s Log: Stardate: 4747.47474747. It has been 47 minutes since we returned to the 60s Dimension. Long range sensors show the Enterprise is 47 light years away in Sector 4747. We’ve changed our course heading to 47 mark 47. We want to keep our distance from the Legion of Doom because our shields are down to 47%. I also just got done picking my Lucky Lotto numbers: 47 and 47. I’ve also decided that in today’s log entry I will give my true and accurate age... You guessed it: 47. Computer, delete that last comment and turn 47 to 33!”
Janeway leaves her ready room and enters the Bridge. To her embarrassment, she sees Chakotay serenading her. Apparently he stole an old Dean Martin song and reworked it Chakotay-style. Chakotay was singing, “Everybody needs some Janeway sometime...”
The hairs stick up on the back of Janeway’s neck. Janeway says, “Chakotay, this all very flattering, but you can’t sing to save your life. I find myself missing your goofy parables.”
Suddenly, Mr. Paris says, “Holy smokes!! The Enterprise is changing course! They are heading right for us!”
Janeway says, “Damn! We now have two, and only two, alternatives. We can stay in the 60s Dimension and face the Legion of Doom. Or we can return to our own dimension and face the Kazon.”
Mr. Kim interrupts, “Actually, Captain, you left out alternative number 3.” Janeway asks, “And that is...?”
Mr. Kim says, “Making me the Captain and let me handle the situation!”
Janeway growls and says, “Not funny, Ensign Kimberly.”
Kim’s eyes flame in anger and Mr. Kim says, “Captain! I’ve asked you a trillion times not to call me that in front of the crew. Sheesh! I do drag one time, and I never live it down!”
Janeway then says, “So anyways, we must decide if we should stay here or go back to normal space.” Tuvok says, “Well Captain. I suggest we return to our own dimension.” Janeway then says, “But Tuvok!! If we do, the Kazon will attack us. They know my command codes! They will seize Voyager! We will all die a terrible, horrible agonizing death!”
Tuvok suggests, “Well Captain, did it ever occur to you to simply change your command codes?”
Janeway sounds surprised, “You mean... I can change them?? Well, I’ll be damned! I’ll change them! Mr. Tuvok... Set a course for normal space!”
At that point, Mr. Kim’s duty shift ends. He leaves the bridge and thinks to himself, “Now is the time! I’m going to the brig and I’m going to break Seska out of jail!”
Meanwhile... on the Enterprise-E...
Holo-Janeway says, “Sisko! Voyager is returning to normal space!”
Sisko says, “Catch up with them as fast as you can! They are the only ones who can create the technology to open the vortex to normal space. We must stop them!”
Nixon raises his hand and asks, “Okay, just making sure here. But Voyager are the people we don’t like, right?”
Sisko says, “Yes. How do you suggest we handle them, Nixon??”
Nixon replies, “I suggest we erase as many tapes as we possibly can!” Sisko says, “Why??? Nixon, you dolt! We are from the 24th century. We don’t have tapes in the 24th century!!” Nixon asks, “Not even 8-tracks?” Sisko answers, “Nope.”
Nixon says, “Well fine, I’m all out of ideas.”
Meanwhile... in Voyager’s Brig...
Seska says, “Please, Kes and Odo-Kes, please?? Just let me play one game of Electronic Battleship with you, that’s all I ask!”
Odo-Kes says, “NO! We were here first!”
Kes replies, “Yeah!” and she sticks her Ocampa tongue out at Seska.
Just then, Ensign Kim approaches the Brig. Seska says, “Harry! Have you come to break me out of prison??” Harry replies, “Yes, my beloved Seska. The two of us will run off together.” Kes interrupts, “Hi Harry! Will you please let Odo-Kes and I out, too?”
Harry says, “Sure, why not! No problem what-so-ever!”
Then Seska says, “Harry... They wouldn’t let me play with them!”
Harry fumes and says, “Oh really??!? It looks like Kes and Odo-Kes are going to be stuck in here for at least three more chapters.” With that, Harry lowers the force field long enough for Seska to escape. Kes and Odo-Kes remain locked inside the brig.
Meanwhile... back on the Bridge...
Mr. Tuvok is getting freaked out. He says, “Captain! The Enterprise is gaining on us. We are doomed!”
Janeway says, “Not yet, we aren’t. Open the vortex to normal space!”
Tuvok complies and the vortex opens. Voyager zooms back to normal space. Then Janeway says, “Okay, Tuvok my boy, close the vortex up again.” And seconds later, the vortex is closed.
Meanwhile... back on the Enterprise-E...
The Legion of Doom watches in horror as the vortex closes again. Sisko says, “Damn!! Now what??” Khan says, “Well look at the bright side, how much worse could it possibly get??”
At that moment, alarms start blaring like crazy. Captain Kirk says, “Holy buckets!! There are dozens of freaky-looking starships entering the 60s Dimension from some other dimension!”
Khan says, “Oh my. It must be some sort of invasion. Are they from Voyager’s dimension??”
Nixon says, “No... I’ve seen these starships before. You are right, they are from another dimension. A dimension that has tried to conquer us before. Run a scan of those starships and tell me what you see...”
Holo-Janeway complies and she says, “Hmmmm... I am detecting old reruns of Sonny and Cher. I also am detecting bell-bottoms and The Partridge Family. And there seems to be an enormous amount of lava lamps and fondue parties on board those ships...”
Nixon says in horror, “I knew it! We are under attack from the 70s Dimension!!!” (insert loud claps of thunder and a few Donna Summer lyrics here)
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Janeway says, “Okay, I have finally changed my command codes! The Kazon will not be able to conquer us now!!”
Chakotay says, “Oh Janeway, you’re so brilliant. One of the many reasons I love you so very much. It makes me want to pluck you like a wild strawberry and sink my teeth into your moist flesh and ravage you with unbridled passion like you’ve never seen before.”
Janeway says, “Chakotay, I’ve got two words for you, babe: cold shower.”
Then Tuvok says, “Captain! There is an unauthorized shuttle launch in progress. It’s Mr. Kim!! He’s stolen the Delta Flyer and he has escaped with Seska!!” Mr. Paris says, “Whoa!! Captain, shall I enter a pursuit course??”
Janeway says, “Can’t we just let him go?? Do we really have to chase after him? I say, let’s move on!!”
Meanwhile... on the Delta Flyer...
Harry says, “Look, Seska. Voyager is not even pursuing us!! That obviously proves that they think I’m a fantastic pilot and that they’d never stop me!!” At that moment, Culluh’s ship appears. They beam Seska and Mr. Kim aboard. Seska turns to Kim and says, “Too bad, Harry! I tricked you! And now you are a prisoner of the Kazon!”
Kim starts crying and says, “Another girl breaks my heart... I just need to turn gay and get it over with...”
Back on Voyager...
Janeway says to the crew, “Hey!! Didn’t you see the title of this latest chapter?? It said something about cliffhangers... I really am not sure what they’re talking about.”
Chakotay says, “Oh, but I do, Janeway. It means I have something very very important to ask you.” With that, Chakotay falls to his knees and presents Janeway with a ring. Chakotay says, “This ring is for you, my dear Janeway.”
Janeway looks at the ring and says, “Where did you get this ring??” Chakotay answers, “I found it just lying in my box of Fruity Pebbles.” Janeway rolls her eyes and says, “Oh, you’re too good to me!”
Chakotay slips the ring on Janeway’s finger and says, “Janeway, will you do me the honor of being my ball and chain? My nag for the rest of our lives? Will you marry me?”
Janeway is about to answer when suddenly Tuvok says, “Yikes! Captain! There are 22 Kazon ships headed directly towards us!!”
Janeway says, “I don’t care! I told you I changed the command codes!!”
Tuvok says, “Captain.... you doofus! Now that the Kazon have out-numbered us 22 to 1, they really don’t need any command codes!”
Janeway says, “Ooooooh, I see your point. We should try to escape or something...”
Then, Mr. Paris says, “Captain!! There is a transwarp conduit opening off our port bow! There are Borg ships emerging from it... There’s two ships... No, three ships... No, four ships... No, 41000 ships... No, 47 ships.... No... 15 Borg ships!”
At that moment, Seven enters the Bridge and says, “Captain Janeway, I’ve decided to rejoin the Borg Collective!”
Then, to make matters worse, Mr. Paris says, “Captain! You’re not going to believe this, but the USS Equinox is decloaking and headed right towards us! They look like they are up to no good!”
Janeway’s head is spinning!! She says, “My God! We managed to fit just about all the cliffhangers into a single episode!! Mr. Paris: engage the reset button!!” Paris says, “The reset button is off-line!”
Janeway then says, “Okay, Mr. Paris: return us to the 60s Dimension!”
Paris says, “No dice, Janeway. All that vortex stuff is offline, too!”
Janeway says, “Bummer! But still, I think we can handle it. No need to panic. We will think of something. We will prevail. We are strong and we will survive!!”
At that moment, Neelix makes a transmission from the Mess Hall and says, “Captain, this might not be the best time. But we’ve just used up the very last of our coffee reserves!! We are totally out of coffee!!”
Janeway screams, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” And then faints...
To be continued...