Voyager: Bummer Central”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

This one goes out to all the Borg-Crutchers.

“Captain’s Log: Stardate: Hell, I don’t know what the Stardate is. Who can keep those numbers straight. I’ll just make something up: Stardate: 6. Voyager has just been humming along in the Delta Quadrant. However, I have this terrible feeling of impending doom. Kind of like our luck is going to run out. (insert claps of thunder) Oh, yeah. Claps of thunder... We’re screwed!”

Janeway arrives at the Bridge and sees Harry Kim crying hysterically at the Operations station. Janeway goes rushing over to him and asks, “My God, young Ensign Kim. What’s wrong?”

Harry whines, “It’s just... It’s just... We’ve been away from home for so long. We’ve been in space for seven years. The stress and the strain have gotten to me. I can’t... I can’t... I can’t handle it anymore. Oh God!! Why me???”

Janeway quickly activates the viewscreen, which is showing a class-2 comet. Janeway says, “Ensign... Ensign! Look at that comet! Look at it! Run a scan on it and tell me how old it is!” Harry quickly wipes his dripping nose on his sleeve and runs a scan. Harry says, “The sensors say the comet is 20 million years old.”

Janeway says, “Exactly! It’s been in space for about 19,999,993 years longer than you have. And you don’t hear it complaining, do you? Snap out of it!”

Harry pulls himself together and says, “Yes, ma’am.”

Janeway reminds him, “It’s not crunch time, Mr. Kim. I’ll let you know when...”

Suddenly, two bulkheads fall from the ceiling and crash down on the floor of the Bridge, spewing dust and debris everywhere. Janeway gets on the communicator and says, “Lt. Torres! You must report to the bridge immediately. Two bulkheads have fallen and have just made a big old mess!”

Torres responds, “Well, I’m not surprised. Those were from the ‘Deadlock’ episode. We had to stick the bulkheads back up with some Scotch tape.”

Janeway freaks, “Scotch tape??!!”

Torres says, “Yes. For crying out loud, Captain. We’re in the friggin’ Delta Quadrant. This ain’t This Old House. We can’t fix much of anything without a starbase!” Janeway panics, “Okay, Lieutenant. Just how much of the damage have you repaired with Scotch tape over the years?” Torres replies, “Wow. It’s actually been seven years. We’ve gone through quite a few fierce battles, haven’t we...” Janeway yells, “Just give me an approximate figure!”

Torres replies, “Oh... Pretty much everything.”

Janeway is not pleased, “Well, get your butt up here and fix it properly!” Torres becomes defiant, “I don’t think so.” Janeway is shocked, “What do you mean?” Torres replies, “I just remembered something this morning. I am a Maquis. I always hated Starfleet. If you ask me, The United Federation of Planets should really be called The United Federation of Bastards!”

Janeway is surprised, “But B’Elanna... You integrated with the Starfleet crew some seven years ago...” Torres says, “Yeah, but I never really meant it. I still hated you all. And I simply forgot I was a Maquis. But today.... I remembered!!”

Janeway asks, “Does this mean you aren’t coming to the Bridge to fix the damage?” Torres answer, “You better believe it... You Starfleet Scum-Sucker! I’m going to my quarters and changing into my Maquis uniform with those sexy boots... Torres out!” Janeway is flabbergasted. She turns to Chakotay and says, “Commander... You need to go talk with Lt. Torres and straighten her out.”

Chakotay replies, “I don’t think so... You Federation floozy! You worry about your crew and I’ll worry about my crew!”

Janeway can’t believe it and says, “I can’t believe it!”

Chakotay says, “Believe it! I completely forgot that I was Maquis too, until B’Elanna brought it up. I blame it on the brain cells I killed with my vision quest machine. My crew will no longer take orders from you. In fact, we just might plan a mutiny!”

With that, Chakotay storms off the bridge. Janeway turns to Tuvok and says, “Tuvok. I can’t believe this! What do you think is going on?”

Suddenly, cybernetic implants begin mysteriously growing all over Tuvok’s body. He begins turning into a Borg drone. Tuvok says, “I am Two of Tuvok. Resistance is futile!”

Janeway shrieks and pages the Doctor and says, “Doctor! Something terrible has happened!! Tuvok has turned into a Borg drone!”

The Doctor replies, “Well, what do you expect? You honestly think you can get assimilated by the Borg and not suffer any dire consequences?”

Janeway answers, “Well, yeah. I was hoping so. Anyway, you must get up here at once!” The Doctor replies, “Sorry, Captain. I won’t be doing that.” Janeway says, “ARGH! Not you, too. What’s your problem?”

The Doctor answers, “I’ve just remembered that I chose to save Ensign Kim over Ensign Jetal. And I’m currently pounding my head against a brick wall. So if you’ll excuse me... Doctor out.”

Tuvok quickly boards the turbolift and escapes the Bridge. A few moments later, Neelix arrives on the Bridge with some Vulcan female. Neelix says, “Captain! I’ve noticed something quite disturbing... It’s a Vulcan female!”

Janeway says, “Yeah. So what?”

Neelix replies, “We aren’t supposed to have any Vulcan females on board! I checked the crew manifest!” Janeway is surprised, “You pulling my leg?” Neelix says, “Absolutely not!”

Janeway turns to the Vulcan female and asks, “So who the hell are you and how did you get on my ship?” The Vulcan female responds, “Um. What? I don’t know. I’m an extra. Maybe Starfleet sent me in the last data stream or something.” Janeway’s voice booms, “Wrong answer!! Mr. Neelix... Take this Vulcan chick down to Firing Squad #2 and execute her immediately!” Neelix eagerly grabs the woman by her pointy ears and drags her away from the bridge.

Just when things couldn’t possibly get any worse... Things get worse...

Mr. Paris screams, “Captain! There are 15 Borg tactical cubes heading right for us!!”

Janeway says, “Oh, is that all? Just the Borg? Arm the BB guns.” Kim panics, “Shouldn’t we get phasers and torpedoes ready too?” Janeway sighs, “All right, fine. If it will make you feel better...”

Paris then says, “Captain! The ships are about to attack!”

Janeway says, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fire a torpedo...”

Kim says, “Torpedo fired.... No damage.”

Janeway says, “What do you mean, no damage? I hate to waste torpedoes on the Borg, but go ahead and fire another one.”

Kim says, “Torpedo fired... No damage.”

Janeway says, “You sure you’re doing that right? Try once more.”

Kim says, “Torpedo fired... No damage.”

Janeway replies, “Hail the Borg ships!”

The lead ship replies, “We are the Borg. The ‘Best of Both Worlds’ Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.”

Janeway replies, “Oh dear...”

Suddenly, the Borg fire weapons at Voyager. Janeway says, “Red Alert! All hands: This is the Captain. It is officially crunch time!”

Kim gleefully says, “Yes, Ma’am!” Janeway turns to Kim and says, “Status report!”

Kim says, “Well, Ma’am. The Borg are firing several weapons at our ship, Ma’am. The weapons are ripping right through our shields, Ma’am. The Borg have begun beaming aboard, Ma’am. They are assimilating everybody, Ma’am. The scotch-taped bulkheads are continuing to crash, Ma’am. The repairs we did to the hull over the years are coming apart, Ma’am. We’re doomed, Ma’am.”

Just then, more Borg weapons hit Voyager. Mr. Kim says, “Ma’am! They’ve targeted our warp core, Ma’am! The ship will explode in less than 30 seconds, Ma’am!” Janeway replies, “Impossible! We’re only halfway through the seventh season!” Kim answers, “I know, Ma’am. But we finally have shown the horrors of the psychological influence of our lengthy voyage. And the Borg are no longer dumb. You should take comfort from that.” Janeway smiles and says, “You’re right... And I do.”

Janeway’s happiness is short-lived when Voyager explodes...