“A Very Voyager Christmas”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Ho Ho Ho!

Translation: Cureboy is bored to tears and has decided to write a goofy story.

“Captain’s Personal Log: I believe I’m beginning my menstrual cycle. And for the past two days I’ve experienced some troubling constipation. Oh wait, maybe that is too personal. Anyway, we are about to have our annual Voyager Christmas Party. We have decked the halls with Christmas ornaments. And as for Deck One, Deck Two, Deck Five and Deck Eleven... We’ve decked those decks too.”

The Bridge crew shows up on the bridge for the Christmas party. Each of them holding a nicely wrapped present. Janeway says to her crew, “Okay, everybody. Time to give your presents to your Secret Santas!”

At this point, the whole crew gives their nicely wrapped presents to Janeway. Paris whispers to Torres, “I told you we shouldn’t put her in charge of drawing the names...”

Janeway opens her gift from Chakotay... It’s a pocket watch! Janeway looks at it in extreme disgust. She hurls it at Chakotay and says, “Get that thing away from me! Recycle it! Better yet, why don’t you just bend over and I’ll show you the perfect place for this God-awful thing!”

Chakotay sobs hysterically...

Tuvok comforts him and says, “Commander, don’t take it personally. Janeway simply never learned how to tell time...”

Suddenly, the alarms start blaring like crazy. Mr. Kim says, “Captain! There is a Borg ship heading right for us!” Janeway pouts, “But it’s Christmas!!!” Kim then says, “The Borg Queen is hailing us!”

Mr. Kim puts it on the view screen and Janeway says, “Look here, Queeny. Unless you’ve come to bring me a present, I strongly suggest you beat it!” The Queen replies, “No Christmas! The Borg hate Christmas! The very idea of shutting everything down for one whole day is the worst kind of inefficiency imaginable!” Janeway says, “You big Scrooge!”

The Queen replies, “Bah... Hum-Borg.”

Suddenly, the Borg ship opens a temporal vortex and disappears. Suddenly, all the Christmas ornaments disappear! All of Janeway’s presents disappear. Janeway pouts, “But it’s Christmas!”

Tuvok says, “Christmas no longer exists, Captain. The Borg must have gone back in time and stopped Christmas from existing!” Janeway says, “That little Grinch-wannabe. We must follow them back, and repair whatever damage they’ve done!” Voyager enters the vortex and finds itself in orbit of Earth. Janeway says, “We did it. We’ve gone back in time! Mr. Paris, I need to know the day!”

Paris answers, “I think it’s Monday.”

Janeway smacks him in the mouth and says, “No, you pedantic drone! What date in history are we at?” Paris replies, “Heh heh... My bad... The date is December 24, 1047.”

Janeway gasps, “My God! The day before First Contact!”

Tuvok says, “No dice, Janeway. That one doesn’t happen for another thousand years.” Janeway says, “Oh. Well I give up then, what is the historical importance of the date?” Seven of Nine looks it up on the computer and says, “Well, according to the information, today is the day that an individual named Santa Claus bought some property at the North Pole.”

Chakotay says, “Of course! The Borg have come to assimilate Santa’s Workshop. By doing so, they will erase Christmas from existence!!” Paris says, “I hate to be a nitpicker, but didn’t Christmas come from the birth of Christ?”

Janeway smacks Paris in the mouth again and says, “Idiot! This is Star Trek. Religion does not exist!! ...Unless you’re a Bajoran.”

Janeway then turns to Chakotay and says, “Commander. Organize a landing party. You must go down there and make sure Santa’s Workshop gets built properly! The very fabric of the Federation depends on it!” Chakotay asks, “Well, if it’s so damn important, why aren’t you coming along?”

Janeway replies, “Uh, hello? It’s the North Pole! A tad too cold for me...”

Meanwhile... On the Borg ship...

The Queen asks her first officer (who she calls Number One... Of One), “How long until Santa Claus is in weapons range?”

One of One replies, “47 minutes.”

The Queen replies, “Very well. I’m going to regenerate for a bit.”

The Queen goes to her alcove, which is so much nicer than the ones the drones use... This one’s got cable TV! The Queen goes into regeneration mode. All of the sudden, she hears a voice say, “Queeny.... Queeny...”

The Queen says, “What? Who is this?”

A Borg drone approaches the Queen and says, “I am the Drone of Christmas Past. I am going to take you down memory lane.”

Suddenly, The Queen and the drone find themselves on a huge Borg ship. Dr. Crusher, Mr. Worf, and Captain Picard have beamed aboard the cube. Captain Picard is attacked. Crusher and Worf can’t escape the force fields. The Borg have adapted to all of the Federation’s weapons. Captain Picard is assimilated into the Borg Collective. The Starship Enterprise and the Federation itself are doomed!

The Queen says, “Ah, yes. The good old days. When we used to be scary. Then Voyager ruined everything...” A single tear runs down the Queen’s cheek.

Suddenly, another drone shows up and says, “Greetings. I am the Drone of Christmas Present.” The Queen says, “Well, how do you do? What are you going to show me?” The drone replies, “I am going to show you the present.” The Queen says, “Okay.... Go ahead... I’m waiting...”

The drone says, “Waiting for what? We are in the present. You’re watching now, now!”

The Queen says, “What is this, Spaceballs? You bore me, Mr. Present. What is the point of all these visits?”

Suddenly, a third drone shows up and says, “Allow me to put this together for you. I am the Drone of Christmas Future. I am here to show you what will happen to you if you don’t change your evil ways.”

Suddenly... The Queen’s regeneration cycle ends. She wipes her brow and says, “Whew! Dodged that bullet!” Number One of One interrupts, “Sorry to interrupt. But we are approaching firing range of that jolly fat man.” The Queen says, “No! You can’t kill Scotty! He’s the best engineer that ever lived!”

One of One says, “No... I mean Santa Claus...”

Meanwhile... in the North Pole...

Chakotay has dressed up as an 11th Century Real Estate agent. Torres is disguised as his loyal secretary. Chakotay is showing Mr. and Mrs. Claus all around the North Pole.

Chakotay says, “Well, what do you think? I really think you need to buy this property!” Santa replies, “I dunno. It looks like quite a fixer-upper. I’ve been looking at land in Antarctica. And they are asking for a much lower price than you are.” Chakotay says, “Hey, do what you think is right. But, I need to tell you something... Just a hunch I have. South Pole — hole in the ozone layer — spells big trouble!”

Santa then says, “Very well. You have yourself a deal!”

Chakotay whispers to Torres, “I think we pulled it off!”

Suddenly, five Borg drones beam down to the surface. They surround Torres, Chakotay and Mr. and Mrs. Claus. Mrs. Claus shrieks, “My God! Who are these people?? We’re screwed!”

Torres says, “Don’t panic. It’ll be okay. If they assimilate you, we’ll have you fixed up roughly 15 seconds later...”

One of the drones says, “Assimilation is inefficient. We’re simply here to murder these two agents of happiness and glee. They will suffer and die horribly!!” Torres then says, “I stand corrected, Mrs. Claus. You are screwed!”

Santa walks up to them and says, “Okay. That’s enough! I want your names! I want them now!”

One of the drones says, “I am 5 of 10. This is 4 of 47. This is 7 of 11. This is 40 of Love. (He’s a British drone). And finally, Zero of Zilch.”

Santa starts writing their names down feverishly on a note pad. 40 of Love catches a glimpse of the note pad. At the top, in bold print, is the word, “Naughty.” 40 of Love panics, “My God, man! He’s putting us on the bloody ‘Naughty’ list!”

5 of 10 says, “Whoa-hoa! Hold it there, Mr. Claus. By the way... Cool boots. If we go back to where we came from, will you take us off that list?”

Santa replies, “I’ll consider it...”

5 of 10 then says, “Thank you! I will tell our Queen to leave orbit at once and return to where we came from!” Santa says, “That’s more like it! So what would you like for Christmas?”

The drone replies, “I want a Red-Rider Phaser Compression Rifle!”

Santa then says, “You’ll shoot your eye out.”

With that, the drones return to the Borg Cube. The drones convince the Queen to return to their own time frame. After they assure the Queen that Santa was planning on giving them a Tickle-Me-Hirogen doll!

A few hours later...

“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. We have saved Christmas. People will be able to go into Holiday debt for years to come! Torres and Chakotay have suffered extreme frostbite. Looks like they’ll be losing a few toes. I thought it would be a nice gesture if I went down to Sickbay and brought them both some hot cocoa. But unfortunately, I decided to drink it myself. I can do that because I’m the Captain. Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night...”