The Voyager Coronary II: The Wrath of Chakotay, Part I

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published October 19, 2000

On the Bridge simulator... Our very own Borg brat Icheb is taking the infamous Kobayashi Maru test...

Mr. Paris notes, “Leaving Sector 14 for Sector 15...”

Mr. Kim says, “What’s up with this?? We spend years as officers on board the starship Voyager. Helping to expand the knowledge of the Delta Quadrant and surviving despite incredible odds. And suddenly our career involves nothing but a simulation to help some bratty kid enter Starfleet Academy!!”

Icheb turns to Kim and says, “I’m aware of my responsibilities, Mister!”

Suddenly, Tuvok says, “Captain Icheb! Oh, I hate the way that sounds! Captain, a ship called Kobayashi Maru has been damaged and has drifted inside Klingon space!”

Icheb says, “So what? The Klingons and the Federation are peaceful allies now.”

Tuvok says, “Okay, fine! A ship called Kobayashi Maru has been damaged is about to be struck by lightning! Happy now?

Icheb ponders, “Hmmmmm... If I attempt a rescue, we might be destroyed. But if I do nothing, the crew on that ship will die! This is a no-win situation!”

Tuvok leans toward the melodramatic, “Captain!! We must decide quickly!”

Icheb says, “Very well... Computer: Initiate the self-destruct sequence!”

Suddenly a voice booms, “Stop everything!!”

The simulation comes to an end and Janeway enters the room. Janeway turns to Icheb and says, “Why the self destruct?”

Icheb responds, “Well, I figured nobody ever tried that before.”

Janeway then cryptically says, “How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life.”

Icheb says, “Whatever. May I ask what you did on the test?”

Janeway says, “No, you may not. You pediatric drone...”

Meanwhile... in the far reaches of space...

“Starship Log. Entry by First Officer Neelix. Ordinarily the captain should be doing the log entry. But for some dumbass reason they’ve made Captain Christopher Pike the captain of this ship, even though the poor bastard is in a wheelchair, and can only blink once for yes and twice for no. And they make an idiot like him Captain, and a brilliant person like me the first officer. But at least I’m not bitter. Anyways, this is the maiden voyage of the USS Repellent. We are patrolling deep space... As opposed to shallow space. We are continuing to search for a planet suitable enough to test the Genesis Device...”

Nameless Ensign turns to Captain Pike and says, “Captain, we are entering orbit of the Toyota Homeworld.”

Captain Pike blinks once for yes. Neelix loses his cool, “Yes? Yes what?? Dude, you are really getting on my nerves. The only reason why they made you Captain is so that we would be eligible for the handicapped parking spaces in Spacedock...”

Nameless Medical Officer enters the Bridge and says, “Good news, Captain, I’ve finished building the voice processor!” Nameless Medical Officer hooks up the device to Captain Pike.

Captain Pike finally speaks, “Neelix... You are a schmuck. Now, let’s go down to this planet and investigate.”

Neelix is puzzled, “Wait a minute? Just you and me? The captain and the first officer... alone? With no weapons? On an unknown planet? Are you sure this is a good idea?”

Pike replies, “I do. Now, let’s go.”

Moments later, Neelix and Pike beam down to the Toyota Homeworld. Approximately ten seconds later, they are captured by some troops. Neelix turns to Pike and says, “Oh, that went off without a hitch...”

The troops bring Neelix and Pike to a poorly-decorated shack, and they meet the leader of these troops. And the leader is, you guessed it, Chakotay!

Chakotay walks over to Neelix and says, “Oh yes, Neelix. I remember you. You’re a schmuck.”

Chakotay then walks over to Pike and says, “And you... I never forget a face. Captain... Pike... Isn’t it?”

Pike says, “But we’ve never met!”

Chakotay shouts, “You just watch your mouth, pal. You’re on Voyager now! Continuity does not exist!”

Chakotay then says, “But just for the sake of the audience, we’d better do a little plot exposition. You see, Captain Janeway marooned me on this planet many many many many years ago...”

Neelix says, “No, it was about three months ago.”

Chakotay screams, “I’m telling this story! ...Anyways, Captain Janeway marooned me on this planet a couple of centuries ago. And now I’ve grown bitter. I want to exact revenge on my former Captain.”

Chakotay then introduces Pike and Neelix to his followers, “These are my troops. This is Seska... This is Locutus... And this is Annorax.”

Neelix says, “Hey! You can’t pull that trick on me! All of these people were killed some time ago!”

Chakotay says, “That’s what you think. Do the words ‘temporal paradox caused by inverted polaron pulses and reversed polarity deflector grids’ mean anything to you?”

Pike says, “No, they don’t. Sounds like technobabble to me!”

Chakotay then says, “Wait a minute... You didn’t expect to find me here. You thought this was... Ceti Alpha Six!”

Neelix says, “No. We knew this was the Toyota Homeworld. We just forgot that Janeway left you here.”

Chakotay says, “Hmmmm... Why are you here? What are you doing here?”

Neelix says, “Do you mean that in a philosophical sense?”

Chakotay says, “Talk, damn you! Or I’ll subject you to a fate worse than death!”

Neelix and Pike refuse to say anything. Chakotay says, “Okay, fine. You asked for it...”

With that, Chakotay puts on a jazz album and begins doing a strip tease. As he flops around naked like a fish on a boat. Neelix screams, “Aaaaaah!! Please. No more! We will talk!”

Chakotay stops and puts his clothes back on, and then he says, “Good. Why have you come here?”

Pike says, “We have come here to test out the Genesis Device.”

Chakotay says, “Now what does the Genesis Device do?”

Neelix says, “The Genesis Device allows any singer in the universe to sound just like Phil Collins.”

Chakotay says, “How brilliant! But I’m afraid your Genesis Project is over. I’m going to take control of your starship and hunt down Captain Janeway. Mwaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!”

Meanwhile... Voyager has embarked on a little training cruise...

Icheb and Janeway get into the turbolift at the same time. Icheb looks at Janeway and says, “Captain... Are you wearing your hair differently?”

Janeway answers, “Yes. It’s a mohawk. What do you think?”

Icheb says, “I think you’d better stick with the bun...”

Janeway and Icheb arrive on the bridge. Tuvok says, “Captain! We are getting a distress signal from the Starship Repellent.”

Janeway panics, “Oh, hell. Put it on screen.”

Captain Pike appears on the screen and says, “Captain! Please, we need your help! We were damaged by an ion storm. No, it was worse... It was an ion hurricane! We need immediate help! We are at coordinates 82 longitude and 48 latitude.”

A voice yells from off-screen, “It’s 47 latitude... you idiot!”

Captain Pike says, “Sorry, Chakotay... Correction, Janeway. We are at 47 latitude. Please send help at once!”

The message ends. Janeway turns to Tuvok and says, “Tuvok. Did something about that transmission strike you as strange?”

Tuvok replies, “You bet it did! Captain Pike was talking to Chakotay! He must have escaped from the Toyota Homeworld!”

Janeway says, “No, no, no... Not that. I meant, I think they’ve repainted the Repellent’s bridge. Anyways, set a course to rescue their ship.”

Tuvok panics, “But Captain... What about Chakotay??”

Janeway says, “Tuvok. You’re starting to give me a headache. Now shut up!”

Meanwhile... On the Repellent...

Chakotay says, “Very good. Voyager will be here shortly.”

Seska approaches Chakotay and says, “We are with you, sir. But consider this... We are free. We’ve escaped from the Toyota Homeworld. We can go wherever we want to. You don’t need to defeat Janeway.”

Chakotay says, “She tasks me! She tasks me, and I will have her. I will chase her ‘round the moons of Nibia and ‘round Perdition’s flames and ‘round the Straits of Magellan before I give her up!”

Seska says, “So what are you saying, we should set a course of the moons of Nibia?”

Back on Voyager...

Janeway says, “How long until we reach those coordinates?”

Kim replies, “At our present speed... 947 years.”

Janeway says, “Hmmmm... Maybe we should go a little faster than one-quarter impulse power. Take us to warp nine!”

Voyager goes to warp nine. Janeway then asks, “How long until we reach those coordinates?”

Kim replies, “At our present speed... 3 minutes.”

Janeway says, “Hmmmm... Seems kind of stupid to have one-quarter impulse power, don’t it?”

Three minutes later...

Kim says, “Captain. We are approaching the Repellent.”

Janeway says, “Hail them.”

Tuvok says, “They aren’t responding!”

Janeway says, “Hmmmm... Perhaps their communications have failed.”

Tuvok panics, “Or perhaps they are getting ready to blow us into a couple trillion pieces!!”

Janeway says, “Nah. I’m leaning towards failed communications. You’re quite the worry-wart, Tuvok...”

On the Repellent...

Locutus says, “They are requesting communications.”

Chakotay replies, “Let them eat static!”

On Voyager...

Kim says, “They still aren’t answering our communications...”

Janeway says, “Let them eat [expletive deleted] and die!”

Back on the Repellent...

Annorax says, “They still haven’t raised their shields.”

Chakotay says, “Raise ours.”

On Voyager...

Tuvok says, “Their shields are going up!”

Janeway says, “Noted.”

Tuvok adds, “They are locking phasers!”

Janeway says, “Keep me posted.”

Tuvok says, “They’re firing phasers!”

Janeway says, “Oh dear... We better raise shields...”

Suddenly KABOOOM!! Voyager is pounded by several phasers blasts. Janeway says, “Report!

Tuvok says, “We’ve lost warp drive! We’ve lost our sex drive as well. Hull integrity at 82%. President Clinton’s integrity at 2%. We’ve lost plumbing on deck 14. Several crewmembers have peed their pants.”

Kim says, “The Repellent is hailing us. They want to discuss the terms of our surrender.”

Janeway says, “Put it on screen.”

Suddenly... You guessed it... Chakotay appears on screen!

Janeway gasps, “Chakotay!”

Chakotay says, “You still remember, Janeway. I am touched. I, of course, remember you. ...Except what’s up with that mohawk?”

Janeway says, “What is the meaning of this attack?”

Chakotay says, “It’s because I don’t like you... Duh! Anyways, I want you to surrender Voyager, or else I will kill you and your crew!”

Janeway says, “Wait a minute! You want to take control of Voyager, so you launch a full attack to damage it?”

Chakotay says, “Quit stalling, Kathryn Cattle-Head! You will surrender Voyager!”

Janeway says, “Well, give us some time to recall the data on our computers...”

Chakotay says, “What data?”

Janeway says, “Ummmmm... The official transferring-command-to-a-psychotic-enemy data.”

Chakotay says, “Very well... You have one minute.” (insert Jeopardy! theme music)

Janeway says to her crew, “Okay... Everybody keep nodding as though I’m still giving orders.”

The whole Voyager crew begins nodding their heads. Janeway says, “Mr. Tuvok, can we fire our weapons on the Repellent?”

Tuvok nods his head and says, “I’m afraid not, Captain. We will never break through their shields.”

Janeway says, “Well, what about the prefix code? Can’t we use that to make them lower their shields?”

Tuvok nods his head and says, “No. After Captain Kirk pulled that on Khan, they decided that prefix codes were kind of stupid.”

Janeway says, “Damn.... We’re doomed!”

Tuvok nods his head and says, “Indeed.”

Mr. Paris nods his head and says, “Captain... Look, I may have found a weakness!”

Janeway says, “Do tell!”

Mr. Paris nods his head and says, “The continuity on board the Repellent is down to 81%. Which means we are able to beam through their shields!”

Janeway says, “Excellent! My favorite convenient continuity blunder! Mr. Kim, arm a photon torpedo. Prepare to beam it on board the Repellent.”

Mr. Kim nods his head and says, “The torpedo is ready.”

Chakotay says, “Pencils down, Janeway... Your time is up!”

Janeway says, “Okay, Chakotay... You asked for it. Now, Mr. Kim!!”

Suddenly, the photon torpedo is beamed aboard the Repellent.

Chakotay says, “Oh man! It’s a torpedo! Locutus, beam that torpedo out of here!”

Locutus says, “I’m trying... but I can’t get a lock!!”

Chakotay says, “Well, then call a locksmith!!”

Seska says, “Wait... Don’t panic! I’ve seen this in all the movies.”

Seska opens up the torpedo and says, “You see! There is a red wire... and a blue wire. If we disconnect one, it will prevent the torpedo from exploding!”

Chakotay says, “Well, what are you waiting for?? ...Disconnect it!”

Seska says, “But I don’t know which wire to cut!”

Chakotay says, “Hmmmm... Maybe we should take a vote...”

Annorax whines, “But I’m not registered to vote...”

Suddenly, KABOOM!! The torpedo explodes. The Repellent is badly damaged.

Chakotay says, “Damn! I guess voting would be pointless now. Destroy Voyager!”

Seska says, “We can’t fire! Our weapons are down! We must withdraw!”

Chakotay says, “I dunno... My bank gives me a penalty for early withdrawal...”

Seska says, “Argh! Idiot! I mean we must get out of here!”

Chakotay says, “Very well... We’ll have to finish destroying Voyager in part two...”

Meanwhile... On Voyager...

Icheb nods his head and says, “Captain, you did it!”

Janeway says, “I did nothing! Except get caught with my britches down...”

Kim nods his head and says, “I noticed that, Captain. And if you don’t mind me saying so, you have got the cutest little ass!”

Janeway says, “Noted. Now I think our next move should be finding the crew of the Repellent. Mr. Paris, set a course for the Toyota Homeworld!”

Mr. Paris nods his head and says, “Yes, ma’am!”

Janeway then screams, “And for God’s sakes... Quit nodding already!!”

(insert dramatic music indicating this will be continued)

To Be Continued...