The Voyager Coronary III: The Search for Cureboy, Part III
Written by Dan Carlson, aka “MinutiaeMan”
Published May 22, 2001
Well, I got this done just in time for the Voyager series finale tomorrow night.
This story is again dedicated to our friend Cureboy. Thanks for the endless laughs you’ve given us these past two years, Tim. We’ll miss your inimitable style, freaky sense of humor, and twisted imagination. Live long and be happy, you pedantic drone! 😀
[Insert voice of Charleton Heston]
“Last time on The Voyager Coronary: The Voyager crew returned to Earth after their battle with Chakotay in the Marinara Nebula, only to find that Admiral Berman wanted to cancel Voyager and initiate two new Starfleet projects called ‘Star Trek X’ and ‘Series V.’ His henchman, Captain ‘Mini-Rick’ Braga, reassigned the Voyager crew to new posts throughout the fleet. Mr. Kim got promoted to Lt. Commander, Lt. Torres was arrested for being a member of the Maquis, Mr. Paris was assigned cleanup duty at Spacedock 47, and Seven of Nine was transferred to the USS Excellent as the new Chief Demographic Ploy. But Janeway and her crew had other plans. With the help of that old schmuck Reg Barclay, they stole the soon-to-be-decommissioned Voyager and set forth on a mission to save the Federation from its own shortsightedness. Their goal: to find the beloved Cureboy, their last, best hope for... er, that is, the most famous Voyager parody writer in the history of the Trek BBS. Will they find the object of their quest? And will they survive the machinations of the evil Starfleet Executive Producers? And now, lettuce continue...”
“Captain’s Log, Stardate: ‘On the Way to Cape May...’ Actually, we’re on the way to the Toyota Homeworld. Anyways... We have begun our search for the famous Cureboy. Although we’ve traced a trail of mysterious heart failures across half the Alpha Quadrant, we haven’t found him yet. And Starfleet is presumably searching for us, since Admiral Berman is hell-bent on shutting us down. Hopefully they won’t find us, since the ship is only running with five crewmembers: Myself, Mr. Kim, Mr. Paris, Seven of Nine, and B’Elanna Torres...”
Suddenly, Mr. Ayala exclaims, “Excuse me Captain, but there are six of us! I’m still on board, remember?” Janeway looks seriously pissed, and walks over to the tactical station, pulls out her phaser, and vaporizes Ayala! She growls, “That’s for trying to steal a speaking part in the last chapter, Mr. Red Shirt!”
Janeway continues her log, “Anyways, there are only five of us on Voyager. Five, you got that? So if Starfleet does find us, we won’t be any match for them...”
At that moment, Seven says. “Captain, we’ve got a Starfleet ship coming up behind us. They must’ve traced our warp trail!” Janeway yells, “Identify them!” Seven says, “It’s the USS Excellent.” Janeway asks, “Didn’t we destroy them in the last chapter?” Seven replies, “Yes, we did. It is quite puzzling.” Janeway orders, “Hail them!”
So Mr. Kim puts the captain of the Excellent on the viewscreen... it’s none other than Captain Brannon “Mini-Rick” Braga!
Braga says, “Captain Janeway, you are in direct violation of Starfleet orders. You will lower your shields and prepare to be boarded. Resistance is futile!” Janeway replies, “No dice, Mini-Rick! We’ve suffered from your tyranny long enough! All of our forgotten plot developments will be avenged!! ...By the way, didn’t we destroy your ship in the last chapter?” Braga yells, “Damn you, Janeway, I’ve had enough of you and your continuity! Weapons, prepare to fire at will!” And he cuts the comm connection.
Janeway says, “Well, we’re screwed. There’s no way that we can beat the Excellent.” Seven says, “Excuse me, Captain, but there is a way to defeat them. We should be able to destroy their ship with a single photon torpedo.” Janeway is flabbergasted, “How the heck can we destroy them with only one torpedo?? It took all of our power to beat them the last time!” Seven replies, “You forget, Captain, that Captain Braga is an anti-continuity freak. If they were difficult to beat the last time, then it should be very easy to destroy them this time.”
Janeway is impressed and orders, “Make it so! ...Er, I mean, Do it!”
With that, Voyager opens fire on the Excellent, which is immediately destroyed in a gigantic explosion! Janeway then says, “I doubt we’ve seen the last of them...” Seven replies, “I sure hope we have... Can you believe how often he made me put out for him, just so I could get some good stories on this show?”
A short time later...
Janeway calls Mr. Kim into the ready room. She tells Mr. Kim, “I’ve just realized that I don’t have a first officer on board anymore, since Chakotay died way back in the first movie. I’ve decided that you are the right person for the job.” Harry is shocked and says, “Captain, thanks so much! But I have to ask... why did you pick me?” Janeway answers, “Well, it’s not like you’re doing anything else useful these days...”
Kim gets angry and is about to storm out, when Janeway says, “One more thing, Mr. Kim... I’ve decided to change your rank back to Ensign.” Now Harry is really pissed and yells, “Why??? If I’m the first officer, shouldn’t you promote me to commander instead??” Janeway replies, “Directive 4711574-20.6-E: ‘As long as Harry Kim serves aboard Voyager, he shall always remain an Ensign.’ I made that one way back in the second season, remember? You pedantic drone...”
“Captain’s Log, Stardate: 23-left, 5-right, 47-left. We have resumed a course towards home... I mean towards the Toyota Homeworld... again. Hopefully we’ll get there soon.”
Janeway is sitting on the Bridge, and everyone else is at their stations. Janeway asks, “Are we there yet?” Mr. Paris replies, “No, Captain.”
A short time later...
Janeway whines, “Are we there yet?” Mr. Paris sighs, “No, Captain...”
A little while after that...
Janeway asks again, “So are we there yet?” Mr. Paris tries not to yell and says, “For the last time, Captain... We are not there yet!” His console beeps at him... Then Paris says, “Oh wait... we are there now!” Janeway sighs in relief and says, “Take us out of warp!”
As they start to orbit the planet, Harry announces, “Captain, I’m reading three life-forms on the planet below us!” Janeway yells, “Ensign Kim! Didn’t I tell you that a first officer’s duties consist solely of announcing ‘Shields at 68%’??!!” I don’t want to hear you say anything else, understand??”
Janeway continues, “Now, we’re going to have to figure out who’s down there. Seven, Mr. Paris, I want you to go down there and see who it is.”
Mr. Kim suddenly announces, “Shields at 68%, captain.”
Everyone is confused, and B’Elanna says, “What the hell are you talking about, Harry? Our shields aren’t even up!” Harry explains, “Well, I would have said ‘There are three Starfleet ships approaching, Captain,’ but Janeway told me that the only thing I’m allowed to say is ‘Shields at 68%.’ The shields are at 68%, captain.”
Janeway replies, “Good, at least there aren’t really three Starfleet ships approaching...”
B’Elanna yells, “Janeway, you idiotic cow, weren’t you paying attention?? There really are three Starfleet ships approaching!”
Janeway mumbles, “Well, he’s not supposed to say that... But never mind that now. Identify those ships!” Seven responds, “The three ships are the USS Enterprise-E, commanded by Captain Picard, the SS Enterprise, commanded by Captain Archer, and the USS Fiver, commanded by Captain Zeke!” Janeway freaks, “Augh!!! It’s the competition! Red alert!”
Mr. Kim announces, “Shields at 68%, captain.”
Janeway keeps yelling, “Would you shut up already, Ensign Kim??? Hail them!”
And so the three captains appear on screen. Captain Picard says, “Captain Janeway. We’ve decided that you’ve had enough time hogging the screen. We want a fair shot at publicity in this series, but all we’ve gotten are really bad cameos. I mean, Captain Archer was portrayed as a serial killer??? How stupid can you be?”
Janeway responds, “Hey, I’ve had enough of this Voyager-bashing! That was funny stuff! In fact, we’re trying to find Cureboy right now so he can write some more of them. And I dare you to try to stop us!!” With that, she ends the transmission.
Suddenly, the three Starfleet ships open fire. Mr. Kim announces, “Shields at 68%, Captain!” B’Elanna checks her console, and says, “Well I’ll be damned... the shields really are at 68%!” Janeway replies, “Acknowledged, Ensign Kim. Return fire!” So Voyager fires back at the three Voyager-bashing ships, but Voyager’s phasers are no match for them. Soon, Voyager is falling apart around our intrepid heroes.
Seven announces, “Shields at minus 18%! Phasers are offline! The warp core is damaged! The computer core is damaged! The CD player is ruined! Captain, the situation is hopeless!”
Janeway mutters, “I’m open to suggestions, people...”
Mr. Kim says, “Well, I’ve got this wonderfully evil idea, Captain. What if we reactivated the Doctor and had him sing opera over the comm channels to the three Starfleet ships? That just might be enough to scare them off!” Janeway yells, “Who asked you, Ensign Kim??!!” Kim replies, “You did, Captain.” Janeway says, “Oh yeah... well nevermind. Do it!”
So Seven and B’Elanna work to reactivate the Doctor. (Even though the entire ship has fallen apart and the computer core was damaged...)
Suddenly Janeway announces, “Hey, I’ve got a brilliant idea! Why don’t we enact the Voyager Directive again? All hands: this is the Captain. I get to say this twice in one movie, and I’m really pumped: I’m enacting the Voyager Directive: plot holes and continuity are suspended for the remainder of this episode!”
B’Elanna and Seven’s repairs are successful, and the Doctor appears, and says, “Please state the nature of the medical emergency.” Janeway yells, “No time for that now, Doctor, we need you to start singing opera!” The Doc is flabbergasted and asks, “You mean... you actually want me to start singing?” Mr. Paris butts in and says, “No, not really... But the situation is desperate, so we don’t have much choice, do we?” Janeway explains, “Doctor, we need you to start singing opera over the comm channels. Hopefully, it will scare the other Starfleet ships away.”
The Doctor is not amused, and says, “Hmpf! If you don’t really appreciate my musical talents, then I’m not going to sing for you!” He then says, “Computer, deactivate the EMH!” And the Doctor disappears.
Janeway grumbles, “Computer, reactivate the EMH!” THe computer responds, “Unable to comply. The EMH is offline.” Janeway yells, “Damn these non-continuity episodes!!”
Suddenly, yet another Starfleet ship appears near Voyager... it’s the USS Excellent again!
Janeway screams, “Aaarrrrggghhhh!!! Computer, deactivate the Voyager Directive! I want my continuity back again!” The computer replies, “Unable to comply. The Voyager Directive deactivation subroutines are offline.”
B’Elanna cries out, “Captain, everything is offline! There’s nothing I can do!” Janeway sits down dramatically and says, “We have no choice. Computer: activate the self-destruct. Authorization: Janeway Pi ‘R’ Squared. Set for a five minute silent countdown.” The computer says, “Self-destruct initiated. This ship will be destroyed in five minutes.”
Janeway yells, “Dammit computer, how many times do I have to tell you... I want a silent countdown!!!” The computer continues, “There will be no further audio warnings.” Janeway then orders, “All hands, abandon ship!”
The Voyager crew beams down to the Toyota Homeworld...
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise... (The Enterprise Enterprise, not the Enterprise...)
Captain Archer shouts, “Report!” The tactical officer says, “It appears that the Voyager crew has abandoned ship. We can board them at any time.” Archer grins evilly and says, “Excellent...” Subcommander T’Pol then says, “Excuse me captain, but that is a rather poor imitation of Mr. Burns, a character from a twentieth-century Earth animated drama called a ‘cartoon’...” Archer interrupts, “Oh be quiet, you pointy-eared nitwit!”
So Captain Archer and his crew beam over to the Voyager’s transporter room. As they beam in, they hear the computer announce, “One minute to self-destruct.” Suddenly Janeway screams over the comm, “Computer, I said silent countdown, dammit!” The computer says, “Oh... my bad...”
Captain Archer asks, “I wonder what that was all about?...” T’Pol replies, “Probably nothing, sir. Shall we proceed to the Bridge?”
But too soon, the five minutes are up, and Voyager goes BOOM!!!
Janeway and her crew gather on a hilltop to watch Voyager’s fiery demise. B’Elanna says, “Now you’ve really done it, Janeway...”
Harry announces, “Shields at 68%, Captain.” Seven rolls her eyes and says, “Harry, there are no shields anymore... For that matter, there isn’t any ship either...”
B’Elanna interrupts, “Wait! I may have found a convenient plot development on my tricorder! There’s an underground cave only a mile from here.”
So the crew go into the mysterious underground cave, where they find Tuvok, Neelix, and Captain Pike... all dead. Janeway exclaims, “My God! They’re all dead! What could have done something like this?” They continue on into a large chamber, and find a gigantic button-like device surrounded by long-lost plot developments: Unimatrix Zero, the Krenim weapon-ship, Seven’s magic death-defying nanoprobes... and the Paris/Janeway lizard babies! The crew is shocked!
Janeway and Paris, especially, are about to run from the room screaming, when Seven gets an idea. “Captain! We may be able to use this Reset Button to restore Voyager to its usual pristine condition.” Janeway is impressed and says, “Seven, I’m impressed! That’s an excellent idea. Do it!”
So Seven pushes the Big Button...
Suddenly, everything around the crew starts to dissolve in a dramatic wavy-wavy CGI effect. Captain Pike disappears... Tuvok and Neelix revive... The crew sees Kes... Chakotay reappears... And the last seven years flash before their eyes.
And suddenly... Voyager and her crew are back... in the Delta Quadrant.
Janeway screams in anguish, “Not again!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Seven looks disturbed and says, “I may have been mistaken, Captain. It appears that that device was actually a rerun button, not a reset button.”
Chakotay is seriously pissed. He starts yelling, “Dammit! I hate this show! I hate it, I hate it!” He only stops when someone from off-stage hands him his paycheck.
Mr. Paris asks, “Captain, what are we going to do?”
Janeway sits down in the captain’s chair and says, “We may not have found Cureboy, but we have found new life. Mr. Paris, set a course towards home... again.”
And the Adventure Continues... Sort of...