Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 5: “Unizero Matrix, Part I”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published September 15, 2000

The unethical Borg therapist, Sigmund of Freud, waits for Janeway to arrive for today’s therapy session. Janeway finally walks into the office and says, “Hello, Freud.”

Freud says to Janeway, “Today, I want to discuss one of your most recent missions. The time you infiltrated Unizero Matrix.”

Janeway says, “Wait! Suppose, hypothetically speaking, some nitwit starts writing stories about our therapy sessions. Somebody might read this story without first seeing the episode ‘Unimatrix Zero.’ Hypothetically, reading this story might spoil the episode for them!”

Freud says, “I see your point. I guess we can hope that if somebody didn’t want to hear the spoilers on ‘Unimatrix Zero,’ they would leave this story immediately!!”

Janeway says, “Yes. Now that we are done with the hypothetical stuff, let me tell you about this adventure...”

In the heart of the Borg collective...

A Borg drone awakens from his slumber. He thinks to himself, “I don’t understand why the queen makes us sleep standing up. What the hell does she think we are, parakeets?”

The drone is led into the Borg Queen’s ready room. The Queen says, “Just one moment, please. I’m being assembled.” (Insert impressive visual effects of legs and arms being attached to a lady’s head.)

The Queen then says, “Twelve of Five, you have a problem.”

Twelve replies, “I know! You’ve given me a mathematically impossible Borg designation! The other drones laugh at me. Sometimes they point and laugh!!”

The Queen says, “No! That’s not what I mean. I’m talking about Unizero Matrix! You are one of the drones that likes to visit this place! And you are going to tell me the password to get in!”

Twelve replies, “I’m not just going to give you the password. I pay $4.95 a month for my membership! And it’s not fair to let you join for free. I’ll never help you!”

The Queen then says, “Oh, big mistake, buddy! I’m afraid we’ll have to chop you up into millions of tiny little pieces. Take him away!”

Meanwhile... on Voyager...

Chakotay, Tuvok, Torres and Paris arrive on the Bridge. Janeway turns to them and scowls, “You people are 10 seconds late!”

Tuvok stands behind Chakotay and gives Janeway the finger. Torres giggles. They all approach their stations and find little boxes on their chairs. Inside the boxes are brand new pips.

Janeway explains, “I’m pleased to report that you are all getting promotions! Mr. Paris, you are now a Lieutenant again. Torres and Tuvok, you are now both Commanders. And Chakotay, your new rank is Almost-Captain!”

Almost-Captain Chakotay says, “Wow! I never heard of this rank before...”

Janeway says, “Well, I was going to make you Captain. And make myself an Admiral. But apparently there is some dumb-ass Starfleet regulation that says a person cannot promote oneself...”

Tuvok says, “Ah yes. Tactical Directive 36-C: The Captain shall not promote himself. It’s tacky.”

Just then Mr. Kim finally arrives on the Bridge. He sees everybody with their brand new promotions and gets excited. He rushes over to his station and finds... Nothing. Kim whines, “I didn’t see a box on my chair!”

Janeway assures him, “No, Mr. Kim. There is something for you. Check under the console.”

Mr. Kim quickly looks under his console and finds... a broom. Kim then says, “Captain. It’s.... a broom?”

Janeway replies, “There’s no fooling you, Ensign. You are now the new part-time cleaning lady for Deck 14.”

Mr. Kim growls, “What???

Janeway smiles gleefully and says, “You think I’m going to give a promotion to somebody who is twenty seconds late for duty?? Now when your shift is done, report to Deck 14 and meet with Hazel. She will explain your duties.”

Hazel says over the intercom, “We’ll see you soon, Harry...”

Captain Janeway turns to Almost-Captain Chakotay and says, “I think we should resume a course for home. Mr. Paris, are you ready to take us to warp?”

Paris says, “Almost, Captain.”

Chakotay says, “What?”

Paris says, “What, what?”

Chakotay says, “You just called my name.”

Paris says, “No, I was talking to Janeway. I didn’t mean to confuse you, Almost-Captain.”

Janeway then says, “Almost what?”

Meanwhile... In Sickbay...

Seven of Nine walks in and says to the Doctor, “Doctor, I’m very alarmed. Last night, I had my first dream.”

The Doctor says, “Do tell. What was it about?”

Seven explains, “Well. I was everywhere. I was in Engineering, the Bridge, Astrometrics. I went on every away mission. We kept getting attacked by hostile aliens. And I kept saving the ship with my nanoprobes. No matter what happened, I was able to save the day with my nanoprobes.”

The Doctor says, “You must be confused, Seven. That wasn’t a dream. That was the whole fifth season!”

The Doctor gives Seven a dream monitor and says, “Okay. Now I want to monitor your dreams. Go back to your alcove and get some sleep.”

Seven replies, “But Doctor, I just woke up. I’m not tired now.”

The Doctor says, “Don’t panic. I know how to handle this situation.” The Doctor pulls out a frying pan and hits Seven over the head with it. Seven suddenly becomes tired and falls asleep.

Seven enters her dream world. She sees a big sign, “Welcome to Unizero Matrix: Ticking off the Borg Queen for over a century!”

Seven wanders around and suddenly a man approaches her. Seven says, “Who are you?”

The man replies, “I am a Borg drone. I am Brannon of Braga. I am your boyfriend here in Unizero Matrix.”

Seven says, “Dude, you really are jealous, aren’t you? Won’t let anybody else play my boyfriend but you, huh?”

Brannon of Braga replies, “Yes. So you’d better call me 47 of 100. Otherwise people might be screaming about the impropriety of me playing your boyfriend...”

Seven then says, “Very well. Now what the hell am I doing here?”

Forty-Seven answers, “You see, the evil wretched Borg Queen is on the verge of finding out the password to enter Unizero Matrix. And we can’t let her do that. She’ll ruin everything!”

Seven says, “Okay. And I care because....?”

Forty-Seven replies, “Because I say so. Now we need you to break into the Collective computer and change the password. The current password is ‘blue.’ We need you to change it to ‘black.’ That should prevent the Queen from breaking in for another 100 years!”

Seven asks, “Well, you’re already in the Collective. Why can’t you just change the password yourself?”

Forty-Seven says, “Because there is a good possibility we might die if we’re caught. So we thought we’d put your life on the line instead...”

Seven then says, “Okay. No problem. Explain no more. I will discuss it with my Captain.”

Forty-Seven shouts, “Wait! Don’t leave yet! Aren’t you going to kiss me goodbye?”

Seven responds, “Ewww! God knows where that tongue of yours has been!” With that, Seven leaves Unizero Matrix and wakes up in her alcove.

Meanwhile... In the Borg Collective...

The Queen meets with her most trusted drone... Uno of Cinco, a Hispanic drone. The Queens says, “I have still made no progress to destroying Unizero Matrix! And I just know those defiant little twits snicker at me when they go this place...”

Uno suggests, “Perhaps we can find a way to sneak Borg drones into Unizero Matrix. They could destroy the defiant drones... One by one!”

The Queen says, “Ooh, that’s a good idea! Assemble the Green Beret drones. We are sending them into Unizero Matrix!”

Uno then suggests, “You know, maybe we should give weapons to the drones we send into Unizero Matrix...”

The Queen says, “Oh please! Like there going to meet up with a Klingon bat’leth... in cyberspace. They won’t need no weapons!”

Back on Voyager...

Seven gathers the crew for a meeting. She says, “So you see, we must find a way to sneak me onto a Borg ship. Then I’ll be able to save Unizero Matrix from the clutches of the evil Borg Queen.”

Janeway then says, “Wait... I have a better idea! What if I made a plea... to the devil?!”

The crew all look at Janeway and say, “Huh?”

Janeway says, “Oops! Wrong cliffhanger! What I mean is, perhaps we can sneak aboard a Borg cube. And then, when we change the Unizero Matrix password, we can also change the Borg Queen’s password!”

Chakotay says, “Yes! If we change the password, the Queen will no longer have control over her drones. The Borg Collective will be utterly destroyed. Captain... I think this is a fantastic idea!”

Janeway turns to Chakotay and says, “Well, nobody really asked you what you think, now did they? Seven, I’d like you to take me with you to Unizero Matrix, so I can meet with the other defiant drones.”

Seven says, “How do you propose we do that?”

Janeway says, “Well, we could both squeeze into your little alcove... That might work...”

The Doctor says, “Kinky!!”

A short time later, Janeway and Seven squeeze into Seven’s alcove. But they are very squished. Janeway says, “Seven, you really need to think about breast reduction.”

The Doctor says, “Blasphemer!” With that, he injects Seven and Janeway with a hypospray so that they’ll fall asleep.

Moments later, Seven and Janeway arrive in Unizero Matrix. Janeway explains her plans to 47 of 100. Forty-Seven says, “Janeway that plan is ingenious! I happen to know that the Borg Queen’s password is ‘queenie.’ I think if you change it to ‘weenie,’ the Queen would lose all control over the Collective. Well played!”

Suddenly, Borg drones mysteriously appear in Unizero Matrix. They start assimilating everybody and forcing them back into the real world. Janeway turns to Seven and growls, “You see! If your breasts weren’t so big, we could have squeezed a bat’leth between us and brought it here!”

Luckily, a Klingon drone shows up and says, “Here Captain, use my bat’leth. It’s a warrior’s weapon. To kill an enemy with it in battle is to earn great honor. It reminds me of the great sword of Kahless and...”

Janeway interrupts, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just shut up and give me the damn thing!”

Janeway grabs the weapon and starts slashing and slicing the drones, who vanish from Unizero Matrix. The Borg Queen witnesses everything and she says coldly, “Janeway...” (Insert loud claps of assimilated thunder here.)

Uno of Cinco says, “Wow, my Queen. That was pretty dramatic!”

The Borg Queen goes for an Emmy nomination and says it again, “Janeway...”

A few hours later...

Janeway gathers her crew and says, “Okay, I’m off. Wish me luck...”

Tuvok says, “You can’t go alone! I refer to Tactical Directive 36: The Captain can’t go alone.”

Torres then says, “And I must go with you both! Tactical Directive 36-A: The Chief Security Officer is not allowed to be assimilated without the Chief Engineer being in the same room.”

Janeway says, “Very well... We all go!”

Suddenly the lights go dark and the Borg Queen appears on the viewscreen and says, “Janeway...”

Janeway then says, “I remember you, Quincy...”

The Queen says, “Queen! Not Quincy. And I have a little advice. You just keep your ass out of Unizero Matrix or I’ll cut the head off your body and mount it in my den!”

Janeway says, “Thanks for the threat. But no dice... You pedantic drone.”

The Queen turns to Harry and says, “We’ll see you soon, Harry...”

The transmission ends. Harry beams with excitement and says, “I’ve never felt so popular!!”

Janeway approaches the turbolift with Torres and Tuvok. Chakotay asks, “Anything you want done while you’re gone. Fixing the gravity stuff?”

Janeway replies, “Tactical Directive 36-G: If the Captain takes part in an ill-conceived attempt to overthrow the Borg Collective, the first officer shall spend the time cleaning the carpets.”

A short time later, Torres, Tuvok and Janeway board the Delta Flyer. Janeway says to Mr. Paris, “You do have full coverage on the Delta Flyer, right?”

Paris replies, “Yeah. Why do you ask?”

Janeway answers, “No reason...”

Hours later, Voyager and the Delta Flyer approach a Borg cube. Janeway pages Chakotay and says, “Okay, Chakotay. You know what to do. Fire all your weapons on the Borg cube! We must disable their shields so that we can beam aboard.”

So Voyager fires phasers galore. The Borg cube retaliates and fires several weapons at Voyager. Mr. Kim says, “Chakotay! She cannot take much more!”

Chakotay turns to Harry and says, “That’s got to be the worst Scotty imitation I’ve ever heard!”

On the Delta Flyer... Janeway asks, “Tuvok, how are the Borg shields doing?”

Tuvok says, “Oops! I keep forgetting to check. Hey, cool! Captain, the Borg don’t even have their shields up! We can just beam aboard!”

Janeway says, “So firing all our weapons is pretty dumb. Oh well. Torres, beam us immediately to the Borg ship!”

Just as the trio are beamed aboard the Cube, the Delta Flyer is completely destroyed. Paris watches the Delta Flyer’s destruction from the viewscreen and says, “Nooooooooo!!! Oh my god!!!

Mr. Kim says, “Don’t worry Tom, I think B’Elanna beamed aboard the Borg ship before the Flyer was destroyed.”

Paris screams, “Who the hell cares about B’Elanna???”

On the Borg ship... Janeway, Torres and Tuvok approach the Borg’s main computer. Just as they are about to access it, Borg drones appear out of everywhere. They grab Torres, Tuvok and Janeway and zap them.

Back on Voyager... The Doctor says, “Chakotay! Their lifesigns are destabilizing!”

Chakotay says, “Okay. So far, so good...”

The Doctor then says, “I think they are dead!!”

Chakotay says, “Cool. So far, so good. You can take us out here now, Tom.”

Paris says, “My poor Delta Flyer... Blasted into six hundred trillion pieces... My poor, poor Flyer... Um... Oops sorry! Engaging warp speed!!” With that, Voyager disappears...

Meanwhile... On the Borg ship... We see that Torres, Tuvok and Janeway are all Borg drones now!! Janeway catches an image of her bald, Borg self in the mirror and says, “Oh damn! It’ll take me years to grow my hair back to the length needed for putting it in a bun!!”

Janeway concludes her flashback and says to Freud, “Well, that’s about it. Thus concludes today’s therapy session.”

Freud says, “What?? You just can’t leave me hanging like this! Will Janeway and the others escape from the Borg?”

Janeway says, “Well, do you see me sitting here alive? Do you see me sitting here with any Borg implants? What the hell do you think, of course we escaped!”

Freud says, “Yes... But how??”

Janeway says, “Hmmmm... I’m not quite sure. I really don’t remember. It’s as if nobody’s written that information, yet. Check back with me in another month...”