Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 9: “Unizero Matrix, Part II”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published October 12, 2000
The famed and brilliant Borg psychologist, Sigmund of Freud, impatiently awaits Janeway’s arrival for today’s therapy session.
Finally, Janeway comes rushing into Freud’s office... She is soaking wet. Janeway says, “I’m so sorry I’m late! I made it to the finals of the wet T-shirt contest!” Freud says, “Okay. I might forgive you if you finally complete your ‘Unizero Matrix’ story.”
Janeway says, “Very well. I’ll finish it.”
Freud says, “Good! Now remind me what happened in part one.” Janeway says in a shocked voice, “You don’t remember?? I pay you $147 an hour!! Shouldn’t you be keeping track of the things I say!” Freud replies, “First of all, money doesn’t exist in the 24th Century. Secondly, nobody likes a cry-baby. So refresh my memory already!”
(insert the voice of Charlton Heston)
“Last time in therapy... Seven of Nine learned of the existence of Unizero Matrix, a virtual world that allowed Borg drones refuge from their mundane existence as Borg drones. Seven met her old virtual boyfriend, 47 of 100. The Borg Queen became obsessed with destroying this virtual world. Seven told Janeway about this virtual world. Mr. Kim was virtually mortified when he didn’t get a promotion. Cascade gets dishes virtually spotless. Janeway devised a plan to destroy the Borg Collective once and for all. She planned to infiltrate the Borg Collective and introduce a virus that would change the Borg Queen’s password. Making the Borg Queen unable to control any of the Borg drones. Janeway, Torres and Tuvok boarded the Delta Flyer, which was attacked and destroyed by the Borg Cube. Janeway, Torres and Tuvok beamed aboard the Borg cube, but were quickly captured and assimilated by the Borg, ruining Janeway’s hair. Meanwhile, after learning the others had been assimilated, Chakotay took Voyager far away from the Borg Cube... And that was it...”
Freud says, “My God! Impressive!”
Janeway replies, “Oh, I know! That’s a lot of action, huh?”
Freud says, “No! Not that. I mean, I’m impressed that you know Charlton Heston...”
And Janeway then continues the story...
On the Borg cube... The newly-assimilated Tuvok wanders around aimlessly. Eventually, he tracks down Lt. Torres. Tuvok says, “Psst. It’s me, Tuvok.”
Torres (in a very deep raspy voice) responds, “Hey Tuvok, cool threads!” Tuvok says, “Whoa! What’s up with your voice? Did the Borg give you a new voice box? Or do you have a cold? Or you possessed by the devil? What’s up with that?” Torres replies, “Too many cigarettes...” Tuvok says, “Indeed. So where’s Janeway?”
Meanwhile... In another part of the Borg cube... The Collective gives Janeway another implant in the head. Janeway gripes, “You people lied to me!! This ain’t the beauty parlor!”
Meanwhile... on Voyager...
The Doctor says, “I’m still monitoring their lifesigns... Even though their lifesigns had destabilized in the last episode...”
Mr. Kim says, “Hey! Isn’t there going to be any reference to the Borg Queen saying ‘We’ll see you soon, Harry’?... I was all pumped to hear how that comes out!”
Then Mr. Neelix gives a damage report, “Shields are down to 47%. Continuity is down to 75%.”
Chakotay says, “Okay, that explains the Harry thing. As well as the fact that our chef Neelix is now working a console on the bridge.”
Meanwhile... In Unizero Matrix...
Seven returns and finds Kirrok the Happy Klingon. Seven asks, “Have you seen my main squeeze, 47 of 100?” Kirrok replies, “No. But, at this time I’d like to tell you that I’m a warrior... Not only in battle... but in the bedroom!”
Seven scoffs, “Oh please! Look at you! Name one Klingon female you’ve ever gotten in bed.” Kirrok pauses, “Ummmmmm... Oh yeah. Her name was B’Elanna Torres.” Seven says, “Oh really? I know B’Elanna Torres. I’ll have to ask her about this.”
Kirrok panics, “Did I say B’Elanna Torres, I meant B’Elanna... Smith.”
Meanwhile... on the Borg cube...
Torres and Tuvok track down Janeway. Janeway says, “We must hurry. We need to find the central plexus to download our virus. Then the Queen will lose control of the drones. Do you have any idea where the central plexus is?”
Torres says, “My guess would be the center of the ship... Let’s go!”
Suddenly, Tuvok hears the voices, “Tuvok... Tuvok... Your fly is down...”
Tuvok says, “AAAAH!! The voices! Make them stop!!”
Janeway quickly slaps Tuvok and he snaps out of his delusion.
Meanwhile... The Borg Queen says, “Wait!! I don’t understand. I could hear the Vulcan. But now I can’t! Not only that... But I can’t hear Janeway or Torres!” The Queen turns to her trusted associate, Uno of Cinco and says, “Uno... Find those three. Find them now!!” Uno of Cinco gets on the intercom, “Attention please. Janeway, Torres and Tuvok please report to the Borg Queen or pick up a white courtesy phone.”
The Queen says, “Good work, Uno.”
Uno replies, “Thank you, Ma’am.”
The Queen then says, “It’s not crunch time, Uno. I’ll let you know when.”
Meanwhile... Janeway, Torres and Tuvok still can’t find the central plexus. They go to the Borg Lobby. A very helpful Borg secretary, named Dottie of Twelve, says, “Oh, just follow the white lines... It’ll take you right there.”
Finally, they reach the central plexus. They hook Torres up to the thing and she injects it with the virus. At that moment, Tuvok hears the voices again, “Tuvok... Tuvok... You have toilet paper stuck to your shoes... Tell me where you are...”
Tuvok says, “The central plexus.”
Moments later, dozens of drones arrive and take Torres, Tuvok and Janeway into custody. Tuvok says, “Captain... I’m so sorry I betrayed you. You must deactivate me!”
Janeway is bitter, “Oh I’m going to do a whole lot more than deactivate you... I’m going to cut off your...”
Meanwhile... in Unizero Matrix...
47 of 100 is setting up booby traps, trying to capture the Borg drones that attack Unizero Matrix. Suddenly, he hears a scream. Forty-Seven rushes over and says, “Who’s there!”
Seven replies, “It’s me! I ended up stuck in your booby trap!”
Forty-Seven then says, “Well, I’m not surprised... You’ve got the biggest boobies in the entire Collective!”
Forty-Seven releases Seven. Seven then says, “I wasn’t concerned about you. Kirrok was. He sent me to go looking for you.” Forty-Seven scoffs, “Oh really? Just Kirrok was concerned, huh?” Seven says, “That’s right. And then he started telling me what a great warrior in bed he is. I think he’s got a thing for you...”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
The Doctor announces, “I’ve lost Tuvok! He’s succumbed to the Borg!”
Paris grabs Chakotay and go into Janeway’s ready room. Paris says, “You know... With Janeway and Tuvok gone, this makes me first officer. And let me tell you something... We are making a deadly mistake!” Chakotay says, “I don’t care! I’m going to hunt Ransom down no matter how long it takes!”
Paris says, “Huh?”
Chakotay says, “Sorry... It was a déjà vu thing. But I think you’re right. We must go retrieve the away team!”
Suddenly... A Borg ship drops out of transwarp space... And launches a few hundred torpedoes... Neelix gives another damage report, “Chakotay!! We’ve lost weapons! We’ve lost shields! We’ve lost the warp nacelles! We’ve lost the warp core!”
Chakotay says, “What about suspension of disbelief?”
Neelix says, “Suspension of disbelief is undamaged. It’s still at 100%.”
Chakotay says, “Good! Then get us out of here... Warp nine!”
With that, Voyager escapes...
Meanwhile... The Borg Queen sits Janeway down and says, “Look Captain. You’re really ticking me off here. Since you won’t help me. I’ll have to destroy every last Cube that has a Unizero Matrix person on it.”
With that, The Queen shows Janeway a cube and says, “Look at this Cube. Cube Number 10431098371 in Spatial Grid 130139810133281. There are 119,104 drones aboard. And none of these drones are even remotely affiliated with Unizero Matrix!”
Then KABOOM!! The Cube is destroyed. Janeway fumes, “What?? You destroyed them?? Even though they had nothing to do with Unizero Matrix! Why??”
The Queen responds, “Because I’m mean.” With that, the Queen shows Janeway another cube and says, “Look at this one. This one’s a lot simpler. Cube Number Six. Spatial Grid Two. Five drones on board.”
Then KABOOM!! That Cube is destroyed as well. Janeway says, “Well you know what, Queenie? You’ll have to destroy every last Cube in the collective. So there!”
The Queen is bitter. She then shows Janeway another image. The Queen says, “Do you recognize this room, Janeway? This is the coffee storage room on board Voyager. If you do not comply, I will destroy every last drop of Folgers on your ship!”
Janeway panics, “Okay, I’ll talk!! I’ll talk!!”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
The Doctor says, “Okay, Seven. I’m going to send you back to Unizero Matrix now. I understand that you have a boyfriend there now?” Seven says, “Yes. His name is 47 of 100. And he is to die for.” The ever-jealous Doctor then says, “Oh wow. That’s too bad. Because I’ve done some research. And apparently 47 of 100 is gay... And married.”
Seven says, “That bastard! I’ll kill him!” With that, Seven returns to Unizero Matrix. And the Doctor starts laughing diabolically.
In Unizero Matrix...
Seven arrives and sees the posters all over the place, “Assimilation is fun! Assimilation is fun!”
Seven fumes, “Damn that Borg Queen. She’ll try anything to reassimilate us!”
Just then, Forty-Seven races up to Seven and says, “Oh Seven... I’ve got terrible news. We can never be together in the real world.”
Seven replies bitterly, “I know... Because you’re gay... And married!”
Forty-Seven then says, “Well, not only that... But I’m in the Beta Quadrant.”
Seven pauses briefly and then says, “Oh well. You’re the only boyfriend I’ve had in years, so I guess I can forgive these little shortcomings...” With that, the two embrace.
Meanwhile... on Voyager...
The Doctor pages Chakotay to Sickbay. When he arrives he says a hologram of Captain Janeway standing there. Janeway says, “Chakotay... Listen to me very carefully. I want you to destroy Unizero Matrix! Do you hear me?? I said destroy Unizero Matrix!! This is a direct order!!” At that point, Janeway winks at Chakotay and the transmission ends. Chakotay says, “Very well. I’ll go wake up Seven and we’ll start working on destroying Unizero Matrix.”
Chakotay later arrives on the Bridge and a Borg cube hails them. A man on the screen says, “Voyager. This is General Kirrok of the Borg Collective. I have taken control of this cube and I’m going to help you rescue your crewmembers.”
Chakotay says, “Whoa now. Wait just a minute! There are about 47,000 other drones on board your Cube. How the hell did you manage to take control of that ship all by yourself against 47,000 drones??” Kirrok replies, “Okay, fine. We can just eliminate this convenient little plot hole and you’ll never see your officers again...” Chakotay changes his tune, “Very well. You can help us. We are going to destroy Unizero Matrix.”
Kirrok’s cube and Voyager begin doing some sort of goofy maintenance on their deflector grids. Moments later, they arrive at the cube carrying Janeway and the others. Chakotay hails Kirrok and says, “Now, Kirrok! Activate the goofy neural beam!”
Kirrok replies, “Activating goofy neural beam!”
Meanwhile... The Borg Queen realizes what’s going on...
The Borg Queen says, “My God! What have you done?”
Janeway says, “We are destroying Unizero Matrix. Just as you asked. But now the drones will still be able to be unassimilated in the real world. So a big nanny-nanny-boo-boo to you... You pedantic drone!”
The Queen whines, “You’re ruining everything! I thought you were compromising with me here!”
Janeway says coldly, “I don’t compromise with Borg!!”
The Queen then says, “Initiate the self-destruct sequence on board Janeway’s cube!”
Janeway then laughs nervously, “Heh heh. I was just kidding about that whole no compromising thing. It’s a joke. I was teasing...”
Luckily at that moment on Voyager... Neelix says, “Good news! The Borg’s shields are down. Should I beam back the away team?” Chakotay says, “No, you idiot! We should sit here and watch them get blown to a hundred million pieces!” Neelix asks, “Are you sure?”
Chakotay smacks Neelix and says, “UGH! This is why we don’t want you on the Bridge... Yes! Beam them back now!!” Neelix beams them back just in time, and the cube explodes.
Meanwhile... Seven leaves her station and goes rushing to her alcove. She passes the Doctor in the hallway. The Doctor says, “What are you doing??”
Seven says, “I have to regenerate... Now!! I’m very tired... Narcolepsy, you know.”
Seven enters her alcove and pays one last visit to Unizero Matrix, which is slowly disintegrating. She runs into 47 of 100. Forty-Seven says, “I knew you’d come! We might never see each other again. But Seven of Nine... I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have children with you! I will never even think of another woman. I will wait for you! I love you!!”
Seven says, “Huh? I just came to get my tricorder. I left it here last time. Besides, I think we should start seeing other people.” At that moment... Unizero Matrix is no more.
“Chief Medical Officer’s Log: Stardate: The Final Season. I have managed to remove the Borg technology from Torres and Captain Janeway. Hopefully Janeway’s hair will grow back someday. Until then, she has a lovely wig made from cat hair. I thought about leaving the Borg technology inside Mr. Tuvok, but then I realized that he still wouldn’t have the slightest bit of personality. So I’ve decided to remove it also...”
Seven of Nine comes into Sickbay and says, “Captain. How are you?” Janeway says, “Much better, thank you. If I ever say that it’s easy being a drone, remind me of today.” Seven says, “Okay. And if somebody ever says that you were never a drone, remind them of this.” With that, Seven takes the wig off Janeway’s head and goes rushing out the door!
Janeway is about to scream bloody murder when she looks at the walls and sees the pictures of all the great captains... Kirk, Picard, Sisko. Janeway rubs her bald head and says with a tear in her eye, “Now I’m really one of them...”
As Janeway completes her story, she looks at Dr. Freud and sees Freud’s mouth just hanging open. Janeway says, “Wow. You look shocked! I told you it was one hell of a great story!”
Freud says, “Huh? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening to a word you said. I was busy wondering if you could get me Charlton Heston’s autograph...”
And thus ends another psychotic psycho therapy session...