We interrupt this Therapy Session to bring you a special episode of 60 Minutes.
“Hello. I’m the famous Borg journalist, Morley of Safer. This isn’t actually 60 Minutes because there was a temporal incursion involved. So it’s more like 47 Minutes. But anyway, tonight’s story involves the infamous fictional Starship Voyager. I received a tip from a man named Joe Carey on a planet called Hanon IV. So I visited him in the Delta Quadrant. A trip, I might add, that wasn’t very cheap. But I digress. Roll the tape!
Joe Carey speaks, “At one point, I was Voyager’s Chief Engineer. But I got demoted because I didn’t know what the hell a ‘Parallax’ was. I was only with Voyager for a short period of time. And then the evil Seska stranded us on this primitive planet. Luckily, the Voyager crew was rescued. But Janeway left me behind!”
Morley Safer asks, “And why were you left behind?”
Carey replies, “Because I knew too much!”
Morley Safer gasps, “You’re kidding!”
Carey says, “I assure you. It is the truth. Captain Janeway is pure evil. She purposely goes out of her way to cause trouble for Voyager just so she could have fascinating things to report in her log! Oh, there are so many examples...” (Insert a nice dissolve effect and cut to a flashback)
Captain Janeway addresses her crew, “Okay, boys and girls. We are about to set sail for the Badlands. We have but one mission, to find Chakotay and his Maquis ship and bring them to justice!”
Voyager approaches the Badlands. Janeway then says, “Okay. Now I want to make this voyage as dramatic as possible. So, here are my instructions. First of all, Bridge to Sickbay.” The human doctor replies, “Yes, Captain. This is the Human Doctor.” Janeway says, “Wow, you don’t have a name do you? You’re screwed. I want you and your entire medical staff to stand right next to a plasma conduit. Understood?” The Human Doctor answers, “Not a problem, Captain. Anything else?” Janeway replies, “Yes. Make sure that the EMH is ready to be turned on. In case we need him... Janeway out!”
Janeway then addresses her Bridge crew, “Okay. You, the Betazoid Helm Girl. You see that console you’re sitting next to? I want you to rig it to explode.” The Betazoid Helm Girl replies, “But... why? That sounds very dangerous!” Janeway says, “You leave that to me! Mr. Paris, I want you to stand at least 20 feet away from that console. In case we need a new pilot.”
Janeway then turns to her Ugly First Officer and says, “You. First Officer Guy. I want you aimlessly wander around the bridge. Got it?” The Ugly First Officer replies, “Understood, Captain.”
Janeway says, “Good! Now take us into the Badlands!”
A few minutes later...
Mr. Kim says, “Captain! There’s something headed right for us. It’s a coherent tri-tronic. Um, tri-cyclic. I can’t pronounce this word!”
Janeway says, “Tetryon beam?”
Kim says, “Yeah! One of those! It’s going to hit us!”
Suddenly... BOOM!! Voyager is hit with the tetryon beam and thrown across the galaxy!
Janeway says, “Report!”
Kim answers, “We have many casualties. The unknown human doctor, that Betazoid Helm Girl, your Ugly First Officer and our Chief Engineer! They are all dead!”
Janeway feigns dramatics, “Dear God! I can only pray we find people who can take those positions! I better go run and put this in my log real quick...”
Fast forward to another flashback...
Janeway and Tuvok are inside the Caretaker’s Array. Tuvok says to Janeway, “Captain. Shall I activate the program to get us back to Federation space?” Janeway replies, “What about the Ocampa? The Kazon will gain control of this space station and annihilate the Ocampa!” Tuvok argues, “You seem to forget, Captain, that the Kazon do not have transporter capabilities. They will never be able to board this space station. The Ocampa will be just fine.”
Janeway says, “Shut up, Tuvok. I’m the captain here. We are going to blow this Array into a million pieces!!” Tuvok says, “We are beaming out first, though, right?” Janeway sighs, “Yes! Now, let’s get back to Voyager. I can’t wait to put this in my log!”
Fast forward to another flashback...
Janeway makes a covert transmission, “Janeway to Culluh. Everything is all set. I’m prepared to give you replicator technology. And I will make it look like Seska is the real culprit. All you have to do is show up and talk tough.”
Culluh replies, “Understood... We’ll see you soon!”
A short time later...
Chakotay meets with Janeway and says, “It really looks like Seska is the one who gave technology to the Kazon!” Janeway feigns anger, “Why, that Bajoran backstabber! We must throw her in the Brig. Wait, let’s leave her in Sickbay for the time being...” Chakotay says, “Understood. But I will revoke her transporter authorizations. Just so she doesn’t get any bright ideas about beaming off the ship...” Janeway says, “No! Don’t you dare revoke her transporter authorizations!” Chakotay is confused, “But why?” Janeway says, “Because I said so!”
Suddenly, Mr. Kim says, “Captain! The Kazon ship is heading right for us!” Janeway and Chakotay rush to the bridge and Janeway says, “Put Culluh on the viewscreen!”
Culluh appears on the screen and says, “Hi, Kathryn! It’s good to finally meet you in person!” Janeway growls, “I don’t like threats! I don’t like bullies! And I don’t like you, Culluh!!” Culluh says, “Huh? Kathryn, I don’t get it...” Janeway quickly winks at Culluh. Culluh finally catches on, “Oh... Right! The plan! I forgot.... Ahem! Your unique technologies make you brave!” Suddenly Chakotay panics, “Captain! Seska is beaming to the Kazon ship! We must stop her!” Paris says, “Shall I activate the tractor beam?” Janeway says, “No! We’ll have to wait for another day to settle up with Seska. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a log entry to make...”
Fast forward to another flashback...
Janeway sits Neelix down and says, “Neelix. I’ve reviewed all the Holodeck programs. And I’ve prepared a list of the programs that must be deleted immediately!” Neelix says, “Okay. But why?” Janeway replies, “These holoprograms are far too tame. No chance of a holocharacter taking over the ship. No chance of a crew member being trapped in the Holodeck. No chance of a holographic overload that would destroy the ship. These programs are far too safe... Delete them!”
Janeway walks into the hall and sees Torres and a group of very, very tired engineers. Torres approaches them and says, “Captain. Please! You’ve had us on repair detail for nine days straight. Why must we have all the damage repaired instantly?” Janeway says, “Because! You never know when we might run into another Federation starship in the Delta Quadrant. And I want to make sure that our ship always looks better! I’m vain like that...”
Torres says, “But Captain! The replicators can’t possibly create any more materials. You wasted them all on your idiotic obsession of having 47 shuttlecraft at all times!” Janeway says, “Watch it, Torres! And as long as the replicators can still create drywall, you will keep working!”
Suddenly, Chakotay pages Janeway to come to the bridge immediately...
Janeway arrives and says, “Report!!” Chakotay explains, “We’ve received a distress call from a nearby ship. They are on the verge of a core breach!” Janeway says, “Put them on screen!” An alien appears on the screen and says, “Please help us! Our ship cannot possibly survive. You must allow us to beam aboard your ship!” Janeway says, “Hold your horses, Mr. Alien-With-A-Goofy-Forehead. I need to ask you a couple questions! First, are any members of your crew infected with a virus that could wipe out my entire crew?” The alien replies, “Thankfully.... No.” Janeway then asks, “Hmmmm... What about this? Are you guys fugitives? Will your government send a fleet of ships after Voyager to track you down?” The alien says, “No! I assure you, Captain. We won’t cause you the slightest trouble!!”
Janeway then says, “Which is why I won’t be beaming you aboard my ship. You people have nothing to offer in the Log Entry department. Mr. Tuvok, lock phasers and destroy that ship!” The ship is blown away. Janeway says, “Good! Now listen to me, all of you. I want you all to put into your logs that the alien ship was trying to destroy us, and that’s why I had to destroy them. I’m putting that in my log, and you better do the same, or else you’ll be beamed into space!” Chakotay says, “Aye Captain.”
Janeway leaves the bridge and Tuvok says, “Damn... She owns us!”
Janeway arrives in her quarters and suddenly Chakotay pages her to return to the Bridge. Janeway bitterly enters the bridge and says, “Now what?? ...Report!!” Tuvok says, “Captain! The sensors are picking up Borg ships!” Janeway says, “Borg? Quickly... Scan their ships! What do you see?” Tuvok says, “There are 10 Borg cubes. Each of them has remodulating weapons and an unstoppable shield grid!” Janeway says, “No way! Those Borg would kick our ass! Set a course away from them, Warp 9!” Tuvok says, “Are you sure? Those Borg would make an incredible log entry!” Janeway says, “Yeah, but death makes for an extremely brief log entry. Scan for weaker Borg cubes, and then let me know. As long as I am captain of this ship, we will only associate with weak and defenseless Borg!”
Janeway returns to her quarters and says, “You know. Maybe Tuvok was right. I need to have a few dramatic Borg entries in my log. All I need to do is get a couple of the engineering people to build some phony Borg sets, and then call a Temp Agency and hire somebody to play the Borg Queen. Oh, it’s a brilliant idea!”
Suddenly, the infamous Q arrives in Janeway’s quarters. Janeway says, “Cue... What do you want?” Q replies, “But that’s not how you spell it. It’s not ‘cue’ like a pool cue. It’s ‘Q’ like the letter!” Janeway says, “You mean like ‘Q’ as in quit babbling!”
Q then says, “Well, don’t worry, Captain. I’ve come to send your entire ship back to the Alpha Quadrant. All I have to do is snap my fingers!” Janeway grabs Q by the throat and says, “Look here, Q! If you even snap those fingers, I am going to cut them off... Along with other parts of your anatomy!” Q cries, “But I want to be on Voyager!” Janeway says, “Well them come back when you have a suicidal friend or the urge to make a baby. Give me a dilemma to put in my logs or get out of my face!”
Chakotay pages Janeway yet again. Janeway says, “What? I’m not coming back to the Bridge unless it’s really important!”
Chakotay says, “Oh, but it is... We’ve located a wormhole!” Janeway then says, “Chakotay, we’ve been through this a hundred times. If the wormhole doesn’t travel back in time, or if it doesn’t put as all into comas, then I’m not interested!” Chakotay replies, “Yes ma’am... I mean, Yes, Captain. I forget, is it crunch time yet?”
Janeway says, “No! Now I’ve got a lot to work to do before I go to bed. I need to delete the Doctor’s memory, I need to give some the Hirogen some trouble-making technology, I need to think of more things to argue with Seven of Nine about, I need to find the most destructive anomaly to investigate and I need to blow up a pot roast! So leave me alone!”
And then Mr. Carey says, “That was only the beginning. I’m telling you, Captain Janeway must be stopped! She is ruining Star Trek and framing Rick Berman of the crime!”
Morley Safer then says, “One last question, Mr. Carey. If you were left behind in the ‘Basics’ episode, how could you possibly have any idea who Seven of Nine is? She didn’t show up for another year!”
Carey replies, “Shut up, Morley!!!”
Morley Safer turns to the camera and says, “There you have it, dear citizens. The architect of this tragic affair... Captain Kathryn Janeway!” (Insert loud claps of Indiana Thunder... no relation to Indiana Jones.)