Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 21: “The Year of Chell”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published February 25, 2001

The brilliant Borg therapist Sigmund of Freud notices that Captain Kathryn Janeway is 15 minutes late for this week’s session. Janeway finally arrives and Dr. Freud says, “Kathryn... You’re late!!” Janeway says, “I know. That’s why I bought one of those home pregnancy tests.” Freud says, “Ummmm... Not what I meant, dear...”

Janeway says, “Well anyway, I’m here to tell you about the most dangerous year that Voyager ever faced. The time Mr. Chell took over Voyager... For exactly one year!” Freud asks, “Chell? Who the hell is Chell?”

Janeway rolls her eyes and says, “He’s our Bolian guy! ‘Learning Curve’... ‘Repression’... Duh!”


Voyager is happily cruising along at Warp 8 (which is, of course, the warp factor known as Happy Warp). Chakotay is telling yet another fascinating parable, “The fox turned to the Scorpion and said, ‘Why did you sting me, now you will drown too.’ The Scorpion did not reply because scorpions can’t talk.”

Just then Chell comes storming to the Bridge and says, “Captain! I need to speak to you at once!!” Janeway replies, “Very well, Chell. Let’s go to the ready room.” Chell and Janeway go to the ready room and Janeway asks, “What’s your problem?”

Chell says, “You aren’t getting us home fast enough! And I know you are very able to get us home!”

Janeway says, “What are you talking about?”

Chell says, “You may have fooled the others, but you can’t fool me! Remember when Mr. Paris achieved transwarp speed? Granted, it did turn him into a lizard, but The Doctor was able to cure him. So... If we are able to cure the affliction, why don’t we just use transwarp speed?”

Janeway says, “I... Um... You don’t understand...”

Chell continues, “And what about the slipstream thing? We were able to travel 10,000 light years in less than a minute! And what do you do? You order the thing to be taken apart!”

Janeway says, “I defer to my attorney on this one...”

Chell shouts, “Damn you, Janeway! You aren’t getting out of this! I demand that you use these technologies!” Janeway says, “Hey! Arguing with me won’t work! You can argue until you’re blue in the face!” Chell points out, “I already am blue in the face!!!” Janeway says, “True...” Chell says, “Well, if you won’t help me, then I will take the ship by force!” With that, Chell gives Janeway a karate chop and knocks her unconscious.

Chell then says, “Computer, transfer all of Voyager’s command codes to me, Mr. Chell.”

The computer replies, “Unable to comply. You simply don’t have that kind of access.” Chell laughs, “Oh please, Computer! I’ve been watching this show for years. I know how easy it is to compromise Voyager’s security! I say again... Transfer the command codes to me.... Now!!!” The computer whimpers, “Yes sir... Command codes transferred.”

Chell leaves the Ready Room and enters the Bridge. He turns to the Bridge crew and says, “Folks, I have some disturbing news. Captain Janeway accidentally gave herself a karate chop. It was the weirdest thing. She has suffered severe head trauma and has gone into a coma. But never fear, she has put me in charge of Voyager until her recovery.”

Chakotay says, “The hell she did! I am the first officer. She should have transferred the codes to me!” Chell says, “She was going to, but she couldn’t remember your name. So she picked me.” Chakotay says, “Maybe you should transfer the command codes to me.” Chell says, “And maybe they sell snow cones in hell. No dice, Chuckles. I am in command now! I am Chell, hear me roar!!”

DAY 10

Chell has ordered the crew to begin rebuilding the slipstream drive and the transwarp drive. And now he is preparing to order Seven of Nine to help him with his sex drive. Just then, The Doctor pages Chell and says, “Captain Chell! I have wonderful news! Captain Janeway is starting to wake up. She is feeling swell, Chell!”

Chell rushes down to Sickbay and sees Janeway’s eyes fluttering. Chell panics, “My God! She is starting to wake up! I can’t allow this to happen!” With that, Chell pulls out a piece of lumber and smacks Janeway on the head with it a few times. Janeway falls back into the coma.

The Doctor shouts, “My God! What are you doing? Are you under some evil spell, Chell?” Chell says, “On the contrary! I simply will not let Janeway take control of this ship. I am this close to getting Voyager back to Earth. Nobody will stop me!” The Doctor says, “Oh really... Well I’m going to find Tuvok. I am going to tell, Chell!” Chell says, “Wrong! I am going to delete these memories from your program!” The Doctor whines, “You can’t! Besides... You don’t have security clearance!”

Chell says, “That never stopped anybody before...”

The Doctor says, “Okay fine! But if you’re going to tamper with my memory, can you at least implant a memory of me having sex with Seven of Nine?” Chell replies, “Very well...”

DAY 47

Lt. Torres arrives in Chell’s Ready Room and says, “Good news, Captain Chell. We have finished building the transwarp and slipstream drives! We will be ready to launch them in 90 days!” Chell says, “Well why 90 days?” Torres replies, “We have a whole year to cover! You have a better way of eating up 90 days?” Chell then says, “Very well.” Torres says, “Good. Now, let’s have something to eat. I brought us both some Taco Bell, Chell.”

DAY 137

Chell pages Torres and yells, “B’Elanna! Those new engines better be ready!” Torres replies, “You don’t have to yell, Chell. The new engines are ready to go!” Chell’s voice booms, “Excellent! Set a course for Earth, Mr. Paris. Slipwarp factor 10!”

Voyager jumps to slipwarp speed. Moments later, The Doctor pages Chell and says, “Captain Chell! You must report to Sickbay immediately! Captain Janeway is waking up!” About ten minutes later, Chell finally arrives in Sickbay. The Doctor says, “What took you so long?” Chell replies, “I tripped and fell on my way from the turbolift...”

The Doctor says, “I’m sorry to hear you fell, Chell.”

Chell then says, “Don’t worry about it. So Janeway is waking up, eh?” The Doctor says, “Yes... Finally!” Chell bears an evil grin and says, “Not for long!” With that, Chell grabs Janeway’s hair and begins smashing her skull against the concrete floor. The Doctor says, “You fool! She’s slipped back into the coma!” Chell says, “I know! And I’m going to erase your memories of this event!” The Doctor says, “I have the strangest sense of déjà vu...”

Chell replies, “Don’t worry, Doctor. When I erase these memories, I’ll add a memory of you and Seven of Nine showering together...” The Doctor says, “I dunno. All those Borg implants... Are you sure I won’t get electrocuted?” Chell says, “No guts, no glory!” And begins tampering with the Doctor’s program.

DAY 210

Chell screams at the Bridge crew, “This is ridiculous! We’ve traveling at slipwarp warp speed for nearly three months! Why haven’t we reached Earth yet?” Paris says, “Captain Chell, you don’t understand! We are going too fast! We keep missing the off-ramp to Earth!” Chell says, “Oh for crying out loud! Just slam on the brakes!”

Voyager drops out of slipwarp. Chell asks, “Okay, so where are we?” Just then, an evil Krenim warship starts approaching Voyager. Mr. Tuvok announces, “Captain Chell! It’s the Krenim!” Chell says, “What? I thought the Krenim was in Russia?!”

Tuvok says, “You’re thinking of the Kremlin... idiot.”

The Krenim fire torpedoes at Voyager. Chell says, “Report!” Tuvok says, “Your Russian friends have fired on us!” The Krenim page Voyager and its good old Annorax who says, “I am Annorax of the Krenim Imperium. You are in violation of our space! State your identity!” Chell says, “I am Captain Chell of the Starship Voyager.” Annorax says, “Well, you are under arrest! You’ll spend the rest of your life in a prison cell, Chell.” Chell says, “Tuvok. Target their warp core. Time to take out the garbage!” Chakotay whispers, “That sound bite is supposed to be for the Malon...” Chell says, “Ooops! I mean, time’s.... up!”

Tuvok fires at the Krenim ship is destroyed.

Chell says, “Good work, everybody. Now resume a course for home. This time, let’s try slipwarp nine!” Torres pages from Engineering and says, “Captain Chell. Bad news. The Krenim torpedoes have badly damaged our new slipwarp engines. We must repair them!” Chell says, “Good grief! How long will this take?” Torres says, “About 596 days. But luckily, I went to the Scotty School of Warp Repair. So I should be able to fix it in 149 days...”

Chell sighs, “Why am I not surprised...?”

DAY 359

Torres says, “Good news, Captain Chell! The slipwarp engines are at full capacity. We can activate them whenever you’re ready!” Chell says, “Excellent work, my dear! Mr. Paris, set a course for home... slipwarp factor ten!!” Paris says, “Captain Chell... Don’t you remember what happened on Day 210?” Chell replies, “Nope. Not a clue...”

Meanwhile... In Sickbay...

Captain Janeway begins to regain consciousness. The Doctor approaches her and says, “Captain. You’re finally waking up. I would tell Captain Chell, but I think he is up to no good!” Janeway says, “Huh?” The Doctor continues, “I think he’s been tampering with my memory files. I say this because a few weeks ago I asked Seven of Nine when we could shower together again... And she punched me in the mouth!”

Janeway says, “Oh, Doctor. You are absolutely right. Captain Chell has been keeping me in the coma while he commands Voyager. He wants to get the crew home.” The Doctor says, “That’s great!!”

Janeway says, “No, it’s not! Do you really think Starfleet will still let me be the Captain of a Starship when they find out I slept with a hologram?” The Doctor says, “I see your point...” Janeway says, “I need to thwart Chell and retake Voyager!”

The Doctor says, “Not so fast. You must rest for a couple days first...” The Doctor looks at the calendar and does some quick math, “365 minus 359... Okay, got it! You need to stay and rest for six more days...”

DAY 365

Chell says, “All right, Paris! What gives? How come we haven’t reached Earth yet?” Paris says, “Captain Chell, you idiot! We are going too fast! We keep passing Earth!” Chell says, “Oh God... I forgot about Day 210!” Paris growls, “I don’t know why we are even listening to you. Our Captain is an overgrown Smurf!”

Just then Janeway storms on to the bridge and says, “The game is over, Chell. I’m taking back my ship!” Chell says, “Ha! The hell you are! You forget that I have Voyager’s command codes!” Janeway says, “Ha! Not for long! Computer: transfer the command codes from Chell to Janeway!”

The computer replies, “No can do. You don’t have proper security clearance.”

Janeway says, “Override security clearance!” The computer replies, “Done. Captain Janeway, you have the command codes now.” Tuvok thinks to himself, “I really need to think about improving the whole idea of security clearance...” Chell says, “You don’t understand! I need to get home and see my children, Nell and Mel Chell.” Janeway says, “Well, not with this slipwarp crap. You’re just flying around in circles. Mr. Paris, shut down the slipwarp!”

The ship drops back into normal space and Janeway asks, “Mr. Paris, what is our current location?” Paris says, “According to these readings, we are in the exact same spot we were in when Chell first took over Voyager!” Chell says, “Oh Janeway, you just love that reset button, don’t you!!”

“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. I have confined Mr. Chell to his quarters for the rest of our journey home. Since he has nothing better to do, he’s been spending a lot of time in his tanning machine. His skin is now a dark purple. I have ordered the slipwarp drive to be dismantled until hell freezes over. I just love being Captain and having that kind of authority. I have ordered that the Doctor’s memory be completely restored. Except that I changed the shower scene with Seven of Nine into a shower scene with me. What good is being captain, if I can’t insinuate myself into my crew’s sexual fantasies...”