Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 23: “Little House on the Dark Frontier”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published March 11, 2001
I was going to do a “Human Error” parody, but then I realized that the people who actually wrote the episode did it a lot better than I ever could... Translation, I really didn’t like “Human Error.” 😀
Captain Kathryn Janeway enters the office of the learned Borg therapist, Sigmund of Freud.
In a very concerned tone of voice, Freud asks, “Are you here to tell me the tale of the time Seven of Nine started smooching Chakotay?” Janeway shouts, “No! Not no... But Hell no!!” Freud is relieved, “Thank you. I was afraid I’d need therapy after hearing that one.” Janeway says, “Never fear. Instead I’m going to discuss a two-hour Voyager movie event...”
Freud winks, “I love it when you talk like a UPN promo...”
Janeway enters the Bridge and says, “Good news, everybody! I’ve heard back from Brannon Braga. He’s given us the go-ahead to ruin the Borg!” The crew shouts, “Yay! So what are we going to do?”
Janeway replies, “We are going to steal some technology from the Borg. Something that Jean-Luc Picard was far too scared to attempt. He was always such a little sissy boy. Always whining, ‘Waaaaa. Rene will never get to listen to music or fall in love. Waaaaa. I’m going to tell Starfleet on you, Admiral Dougherty.’ Not that I have anything against Captain Picard...”
Tuvok observes, “Indeed.”
Janeway says, “Mr. Paris, find us the closest Borg ship. I feel lucky today...”
Meanwhile... On the closest Borg ship...
The voice of the Borg Queen comes over the loudspeakers, “Federation technology detected in Spatial Grid 4729314181, which is right next door to Spatial Grid 4729314180. Alter course to intercept.”
The Collective responds, “Cinderella, Cinderella. All we hear is Cinderella...”
On Voyager, Janeway says, “Tuvok... Lock a full spread of torpedoes onto the Borg ship.”
Tuvok asks, “Okay. Well what exactly is a full spread? Sounds like it would have something to do with gambling...” Janeway pulls out her English/Technobabble dictionary and says, “Aha! Here we go. A full spread... Five torpedoes!” Tuvok fires the torpedoes and then says, “The Borg’s shields are down to 14%.” Janeway says, “Cool! I like these Borg much better! The old Borg would just remodulate their shields or something...”
Chakotay turns to Mr. Kim and says, “Okay. Now beam ⅕ of a full spread of photon torpedoes onto the Borg ship!”
Mr. Kim pulls out his calculator. Five minutes later he says, “Acknowledged. Beaming one torpedo aboard...” On the Borg ship, The Borg Queen’s voice is heard again, “A Federation photon torpedo has been beamed aboard your ship. Deactivate the warhead.” The Collective suggests, “Why don’t we just beam the torpedo into space?” The Queen replies, “Hey! Who’s the Queen here?” The Collective answers, “Well, I’ve heard rumors about Drone 8 of 10, secondary adjunct of Unimatrix 121. Big fan of Joan Crawford...”
The Queen says, “Hey! The Collective does not discriminate on the basis of age, sex, religion, marital status, or sexual orientation!”
The moral argument is interrupted when the photon torpedo detonates, destroying the Borg ship.
Back on Voyager...
Chakotay says, “I thought we were just trying to disable it?” Janeway says, “Do you see how many pieces that ship is in? Looks pretty disabled to me!”
Hours later... In the seldom-used Borg Wreckage Examination Bay...
Janeway enters and says, “Damn... It looks like a garage sale in here!” The Doctor says, “Look what I found... Eureka!” Janeway says, “What did you find?” The Doctor replies, “You hard of hearing? I just told you! A vacuum cleaner.” (ba dum bum)
Janeway picks up a funny looking thing and says, “I wonder what this is?” Mr. Kim comes over and says, “Don’t touch that, Captain! I don’t know what it is... But a few minutes ago it was vibrating on the floor!” Seven of Nine says, “Bad news. Almost all the technology has been destroyed and cannot be salvaged.” Chakotay says, “Well, at least the Doctor found a new toy.” Janeway picks up the vibrating device and smiles and says, “Looks like I found one, too!” Chakotay looks at her and says, “You’re sick!”
The crew continues examining the wreckage. Chakotay walks over to Janeway and says, “I think you’re about to drop one of your bombshells...” Janeway asks, “What makes you think that?” Chakotay says, “The way you fiddle with your commbadge... You do it every time. Of course, nobody else in the universe has ever seen you do it. But you do it every time.”
Hours later... In the Voyager briefing room...
Janeway says, “We have detected a damaged Borg sphere nearby. In two words: Fort Knox.” The crew looks confused. Janeway says, “Tom, translate.” Mr. Paris translates, “Fort Knox. The biggest repository of gold in Earth’s history. Over nine trillion dollars worth. But then the 22nd century came, and...” Torres interrupts, “Why don’t you just save it for Final Jeopardy!”
Janeway continues, “We are going to board the sphere and steal a transwarp coil. That might come in handy.” Torres says, “If we could get a transwarp coil, we could shave about 20 years off this trip!” Chakotay says, “Hey! Maybe we should steal three transwarp coils... Then we will have the ability to reach Earth!” Janeway says, “Baby steps, Chakotay. We still have two more seasons left. Okay everybody, get to your stations and prepare to attack!”
The crew leaves. Janeway asks Seven to stay so they can speak alone.
Seven looks at Janeway and says, “You’re about to ask me to do something I won’t like.” Janeway says, “What makes you think that?” Seven replies, “The way you pick your nose... You do it every time.”
Janeway says, “I think your parents could help us with our attack. They spent three years studying the Borg. We should examine their journals that have been collecting dust in the cargo bay for the past two years.” Seven says, “Wait a minute... Where did these never-before-mentioned journals comes from? And why has it taken us two years to look at them?” Janeway says, “That’s not important now. You will read the journals and see if they can provide us with some help.”
Seven goes down to the Shuttlebay and begins reading the materials:
“USS Raven log: Stardate: When Seven was a little girl. The Federation has given us permission to move to the Delta Quadrant. You see, we are a pioneer family. We are going to find a new home for us in the Delta Quadrant. We’re going to raise rabbits and grow corn and wear overalls. We are very excited!”
Magnus Hansen turns to his wife and says, “Okay, Mrs. Hansen. Do you see any suitable planets to build a log cabin.” Mrs. Hansen says, “Why are you calling me Mrs. Hansen... You’re my husband.” Magnus replies, “Sorry, dear. I just can’t remember if your first name was ever established or not...” Mrs. Hansen says, “Well, if it was... It wasn’t a name like Magnus. Sounds like a sedimentary rock...”
Little Annika Hansen arrives and says, “I can’t sleep.” Magnus says, “Why can’t Annika sleep? The greatest mystery of all!” Mrs. Hansen replies, “I have a theory. Her noisy parents have been keeping her awake...” Magnus says, “Sounds plausible. Or maybe we shouldn’t have given her all that Speed...”
Suddenly, the alarms start blaring like crazy. Mrs. Hansen says, “There is a Borg ship coming right for us!” Magnus says, “Annika, go to bed!” Annika whines, “But I can’t sleep!!” Magnus pulls out a frying pan and hits Annika over the head with it. Magnus asks, “How about now?” And Annika falls to the floor unconscious.
Mrs. Hansen is panicking, “We will never be able to set up a homestead in the Delta Quadrant with these pesky Borg around!” Magnus says, “Never fear! I’ve got an even better idea. We will set up a homestead inside the Borg ship!” Mrs. Hansen says, “That’s crazy! They will detect us immediately!” Magnus says, “No they won’t! You forget I have this—” With that, Magnus pulls out a book titled: 101 Ways to Fool The Borg... Even Though the Federation Won’t Hear of Them Until TNG’s Third Season.
Seven finishes reading the journal entry and reports to Janeway. She says, “Okay, I have found all of my father’s plans to infiltrate a Borg ship.” Janeway’s voice booms, “Excellent work! The Borg won’t know what hit them!” Seven says, “Uh, Janeway? You do realize that my parents were assimilated by the Borg. Their tactics are useless because the Borg know all about them!”
Janeway says, “I’m hoping the Borg had a drinking binge the night they heard of the tactics... And forgot all about them...”
A few hours later...
Voyager approaches the Borg sphere. Tuvok asks, “Captain. Perhaps we should run some simulations to see if this plan will work.” Janeway replies, “Oh Tuvok. That’s a bunch of hooey. The only purpose simulations would serve is to waste screen time. Now, let’s go get that warp coil!”
Kim, Tuvok, Seven and Janeway board the Borg sphere. When they arrive, they activate the devices which will render them invisible to Borg sensors. Tuvok says, “Good! The Borg won’t detect us!” Kim says, “What about the ones that are walking right past us? They can see us just fine!” Janeway is stern, “Mr. Kim... If you don’t quit questioning my orders, I’ll make sure that you never direct an episode of Voyager!” Kim growls, “You racist!”
The group splits up into two teams. Janeway and Seven go looking for the coil, Tuvok and Kim are in charge of disabling the shields. Tuvok and Kim approach the shield generator. Tuvok says, “Okay. Put the spatial charges there... there... and there.” Kim whines, “Is that you’re only purpose for this mission? To point at things and say ‘There... there... there’?” The shields are deactivated and Janeway hails Voyager, “Okay Chakotay, beam the coil aboard!”
The coil is beamed away and Chakotay says, “Target obtained. Do you want us to beam you back right now?” Janeway says, “No! Not yet! We haven’t run into trouble yet. Seven... Let’s go find some!” Janeway and Seven run into Kim and Tuvok, who are being held at gunpoint by two Borg drones. Janeway says, “My God... They can see us!” Kim gloats, “I hate to say I told you so. But I did, I told you so!”
Janeway shoots the two Borg and says, “Okay everybody, let’s get out of here!” Seven of Nine pauses. Janeway says, “Seven! Keep moving!” Seven says, “No. I have decided to rejoin the Collective.” Janeway shouts, “I’m not leaving here without you!” Seven says, “Go! Now!” Janeway says, “Okay... Later.”
With that, Janeway, Tuvok and Kim beam back to Voyager. And the Borg sphere escapes!
The Borg sphere arrives at the Borg’s Unicomplex (insert fancy special effects here). She is brought to the Borg Queen who says, “Welcome home, Seven of Nine.” Seven says, “What? No party? No balloons? No cake?”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Naomi Wildman comes to visit Janeway. She says, “Captain. I have a plan to rescue Seven of Nine.” Janeway says, “Awwww... How precious...” Naomi continues, “If we tune our deflector array to emit polaric anti-metreon particles, we may be able to find her.” Janeway says, “Ugh. And you wonder why the fans hate you...”
A short time later... Janeway returns to the Bridge.
Chakotay says, “You are about to ask us to go on a dangerous rescue mission.” Janeway says, “What gives you that idea?” Chakotay replies, “The way you fondle yourself... You do it every time.” Janeway says, “Well, you’re right, we are going to find Seven of Nine. We are going straight to the Borg Unicomplex!” Chakotay is shocked, “Are you crazy? Voyager against millions and millions of Borg troops! We can’t possibly survive!” Janeway says, “You forget, these are the new and improved Dumbass Borg...”
Chakotay says, “Aha!”
Meanwhile... in the Borg Unicomplex...
The Queen says, “Seven. I have a job for you. I want you to help us assimilate Species 10047.” Seven says, “Wow! You finally passed the 10000 mark!” The Queen replies, “Yep, about two months ago. You should have seen the killer party we had. We assimilated a brewery for the occasion!” Seven says, “Impressive...”
The Queen then says, “You know what? Instead, I think you should help us assimilate another species... Humanity!” With that, The Queen activates a hologram of a Human man standing in his underwear. Seven says, “I think he’s going to catch a cold...” The Queen says, “Never mind that. Our previous attempts to assimilate Earth were failures. So we’ve decided to take the sneaky approach. We are going to unleash a virus that will slowly assimilate humanity over a period of 100 years...”
Seven says, “Why don’t you simply send 15 Borg ships to go do the job?” The Queen says, “We simply can’t afford that! We haven’t shown a profit in months. I’ve had to lay off thousands of drones...” Seven suggests, “Why not simply assimilate a Savings and Loan?”
The Queen replies, “Brilliant!!”
Meanwhile... On the Delta Flyer...
Janeway, Paris, Tuvok and The Doctor are on their way to find Seven of Nine. Janeway begins reading the final entry of the Hansen diary:
USS Raven’s Log: Big trouble. Maybe messing with the Borg wasn’t a good idea. They’ve been attacking us for weeks. I’m trying to find a nearby planet were we can set down. I’m hoping that if we hurry up and set up a homestead, the Borg wouldn’t want to assimilate us. I mean, what good would a plow and some livestock be to the Borg?
I am dreading the idea of being assimilated by the Borg. If my thoughts become integrated with my wife’s thoughts, she’s going to find out about the affair with the babysitter. She won’t be pleased...”
Janeway finishes the diary and says, “What a sad, sad story...” The Doctor says, “I know... They didn’t stand a chance against the Borg.” Janeway says, “Not that. We never found out why Annika couldn’t sleep...”
Just then, Tom interrupts and says, “Here we go, everybody. We are approaching Borg space!” Janeway says, “Activate the technobabble... Make us invisible!”
In the Queen’s royal throne room...
The Borg Queen says, “It’s Voyager! But they’ve disappeared from our sensors. We can’t find them!” Seven thinks to herself, “You idiot. Just look out the window...”
Just then, Janeway beams into the Queen’s room and says, “Hold it right there, Queenie!” The Queen says, “You’re going to shoot me, aren’t you?” Janeway asks, “What makes you think that?” The Queen replies, “The way you scratch your butt with your phaser rifle... You do it every time.”
The Queen quickly activates the shields. Janeway and Seven can not beam back to the Delta Flyer. Janeway says, “Okay Queenie, you asked for it. I’m going to instruct my officers to destroy this complex!” The Queen defies her, “You’re bluffing!” Janeway says, “Oh really?” She clicks her commbadge and says, “Okay, Tom. Prepare to fire a full spread of photon torpedoes!”
Tom says, “Just to make sure... That’s still five torpedoes, right?” Janeway says, “Yes! Now fire at my command!!” Tom says, “Maybe you should make out a will first, leaving me all your belongings...”
Seven interrupts, “Captain! Destroy the big ceiling fan above the Queen’s head. It will disrupt her interface!” Janeway fires. Seven sticks her tongue out at the Queen. Tom beams them both back to the Delta Flyer and they make their getaway.
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. We used the Borg transwarp coil as much as we could before it gave out on us. We have traveled over 20,000 light years. By my estimates, we are now 15 years closer to Earth. Wait, that doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense. When we started this journey, we were 75,000 light years from Earth and it was going to take us 75 years to get home. I need to sign up for some sort of remedial math class...”
As Janeway finishes her log entry, Mr. Tuvok says, “Captain, The Borg Queen is sending us a message!” Tuvok puts it on screen. The Borg Queen appears and says, “We’ll see you soon, Harry...”
Harry panics, “What the hell does she mean by that???”
Janeway says, “Don’t worry, Harry. She says that all the time... Yet nothing ever comes of it...”