Here we go. The last Therapy. I’m going to try something new next time... God help us all...
Captain Kathryn Janeway dances into the office of the learned Borg therapist, Sigmund of Freud. She happily says, “So is this it, Dr. Freud? Am I finally cured?” Freud throws Janeway a Cure T-shirt and says, “Yes, my dear. You have been cured!” Janeway gets all misty-eyed and says, “I’m going to miss these little sessions of ours...”
Freud agrees, “I will miss them, too. But at least I’ll finally be able to spend time with my boy.” Janeway gasps, “I didn’t know you had a son.” Freud says, “Yep. His name’s Floyd.” Janeway is shocked, “You named your kid Floyd Freud?” Freud growls, “Yeah, you got a problem with that??” Janeway says, “No! Calm down. Don’t get so annoyed, Freud.”
With that, Janeway grabs her stuff and leaves the office. Moments later she is approached by lawyers who say, “Kathryn Janeway... You are hereby summoned.” Janeway says, “Summoned? Someone summoned?” The lawyer says, “That’s right, you are being sued in a wrongful death lawsuit!”
Janeway says, “Oh God... Not one of the redshirt ensigns...” The lawyer says, “No! For the death of a Mr. Caretaker. His family is suing you.” Janeway’s jaw drops, “I didn’t realize he had a family...” The lawyer replies, “Oh yes. His brother, Undertaker.”
A short time later...
Janeway has hired the brilliant Borg legal mind, Perry of Mason, to represent her in the case. Mr. Mason says, “Okay, Kathryn. Court is about to convene. Are you ready?” Janeway replies, “Possibly... As soon as you tell me what ‘convene’ means.”
A few minutes later court is convened...
Captain Janeway takes the stand. The bailiff approaches her and says, “Do you swear the testimony you give will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” Janeway answers, “Yep... Except for when the truth makes me look bad...”
Mr. Mason approaches Janeway and says, “Okay. Tell me all about the mission that stranded you in the Delta Quadrant and brought you with the Caretaker...”
Insert the squiggly lines on the screen which suggest we’re going into a flashback...
The Starship Voyager is docked at the Deep Space 9 station. Young Harry Kim enters the bar and meets that Deep Space 9 Ferengi guy... Quark. Quark says, “Welcome, my good man. You have the honor of being aboard the legendary DS9 space station...” Kim interrupts, “I’m not interested...” Quark says, “Huh?”
Kim replies, “You’re about to tell me a story with character arcs and exceptional continuity. They warned me about this series back at the Academy.” Quark is bitter, “Slurs against my series! Why I ought to...”
Luckily, Mr. Tom Paris arrives and drags Mr. Kim away. Kim asks, “Hey, why are you being so nice to me?” Tom replies, “Oh you seem like a nice young man. A firm and handsome young man. I’ve just spent five years in a New Zealand prison, and was forced to appreciate the male body... Especially in the shower. Word of advice: Never drop the soap!!”
Shortly after that, Tom and Harry board Voyager... They meet up with Captain Janeway.
Janeway says, “Hello gentlemen, welcome to Voyager.” Harry replies, “Thank you, sir.” Janeway says “Ensign! Despite Starfleet regulations, I don’t like being called ‘sir.’” Harry says, “I’m sorry. You just really look like a guy...”
Janeway growls, “In the future, if you ever wonder why you don’t get promoted... Remember this day!”
Moments later... Voyager leaves Deep Space 9. Off on a mission to find the Maquis rebellion.
Janeway says, “Okay Helm Girl... Set a course for the Badlands!” Paris asks, “Why the Badlands? Aren’t those in South Dakota?” Janeway says, “Not those Badlands. There’s some plasma Badlands in this area. And that’s where the Maquis ship was last reported.” Kim interrupts, “Captain! I’ve located their signature!” Janeway asks, “Okay. What do you make of the signature?” Kim answers, “It looks like they forgot to cross their ‘T’s, Captain.”
Janeway growls, “Not that!... Crack-head. Where was their course taking them?” Kim says, “Oh. Well according to this, they didn’t go to the Badlands. They changed their mind and went to the Worselands.” Janeway says, “Very well! Helm Girl, alter our course to the Worselands.”
Helm Girl replies, “I do have a name, you know...” Janeway asks, “Well, what is it?” Helm Girl answers, “I don’t know... I was hoping you could tell me. You’re the Captain, after all...”
An hour later... Voyager arrives at the Worselands...
Mr. Kim says, “Okay, Captain. Their trail ends right here. After that, they mysteriously disappeared.”
Suddenly, the alarms start blaring like crazy. Kim says, “Captain! We were just scanned by a coherent tetryon beam... Whatever the hell that is. And now there is a massive displacement wave heading for us...”
Janeway gasps, “Yikes! Not a massive displacement wave!! That sounds just awful!!” Kim suggests, “Should we try to escape the wave?” Janeway says, “Not yet! This may the perfect chance to lose some of these idiotic crewmembers. No offense, Helm Girl, but you’re a Fruit Loop...”
Just then the displacement wave captures Voyager. Janeway yells, “Report!!”
Kim says, “Captain! We’ve lost the Helm Girl, the first officer, the chief engineer and the entire medical staff!” Janeway says, “Oh dear. You better put out a flyer to the crew. We’re now accepting applications...”
Kim says, “Captain! If these sensors are working, we are over 75,000 light years from where we were!” Janeway asks, “What if those sensors aren’t working?” Kim replies, “Well, they are working... I was just going for dramatic effect.”
Mr. Paris takes over the conn station and immediately says, “Captain! We have a problem!” Janeway gasps, “What is it??” Paris replies, “This seat is too high. I can barely fit my legs under the console!” Janeway says, “My God! We’ll fix that right away. Janeway to Engineering. Send a team up here immediately! We’ve got some potential ergonomic problems with Mr. Paris!”
Engineering replies, “But Captain! We’re trying to prevent a warp core breach!”
Janeway asks, “What’s your point?”
Kim interrupts, “Captain! I’ve located the Maquis ship. They’re right next to this super-huge array.” Janeway asks, “What kind of array?” Kim replies, “Well, it ain’t array of sunshine!”
Suddenly, Mr. Kim is mysteriously transported off the ship.
Janeway quickly hails the Maquis ship. Chakotay appears on screen. Janeway says, “Chakotay. I’m Captain Janeway from Voyager, we need your help.” Chakotay asks, “How do you know my name?” Janeway replies, “That name-tag you’re wearing... It gives you away.” Chakotay says, “Oh yeah...”
Janeway says, “Anyway, we’re missing Ensign Kim. He’s our annoying Operations officer. Is he on your ship?” Chakotay replies, “No. In fact, B’Elanna Torres is also missing. She’s our incredibly cool chief engineer.” Janeway says, “Sounds like we have the same problem. I suggest you beam aboard so we can solve it together.”
Chakotay agrees and beams aboard with a few of his officers. When they arrive, Tuvok says, “Captain... It’s good to see you again.” Chakotay says, “You know her? Did you used to do her or something?” Tuvok says, “No. I must inform you that I infiltrated your crew in order to find out your plans.” Chakotay says, “I think I should be offended. But I don’t really know what ‘infiltrated’ means. But it doesn’t sound good! I knew it was a bad idea to bring a Vulcan into my crew. Thank God you were the only one.”
Tuvok asks, “What about the female Vulcan chick?”
Chakotay says, “Who?”
Chakotay then looks at the rest of his crew and says, “So. What about the rest of you? Any of you traitors as well?” Seska and Jonas are about to raise their hands when Janeway interrupts, “Oh grow up, Chakotay! You pedantic drone!”
Chakotay says, “Hey! I have my own ship! And as long as I have my own ship, I don’t have to put up with your attitude!” Janeway laughs fiendishly, “Oh Chakotay... You’re going to be eating those words...”
Janeway and Chakotay briefly put aside their differences. They head for the nearby desert planet.
Meanwhile... Miles and miles (or kilometers, depending on what part of the world you live) under the surface of the desert planet...
Ensign Kim and B’Elanna Torres both wake up in a strange hospital room. They both look at themselves and shriek, “My God... We’re lepers!!” Just then, two doctors arrive and say, “Hello, and welcome to the Ocampa Homeworld. You are our patients and we wish to nurse you back to health.”
Torres jumps out of the bed and starts strangling the Ocampa doctors. Eventually the doctors subdue Torres. Mr. Kim mutters to himself, “That must be the horrible Klingon PMS I hear so much about...”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
The ship runs across a Talaxian ship. Janeway hails them and says, “Hello, can you help us?” The man replies, “Well, hello. My name is Neelix. What’s up?” Janeway replies, “Two of our crewmembers were kidnapped. We think they were taken to the nearby desert planet. Can you beam aboard our ship and help us out?”
Neelix replies, “Very well. But I must ask one thing in return. I need water. I have been going without water for so long. If you beam me some water, I’ll gladly help you.” Janeway agrees, “Okay. Sounds cool. Stand by for transport. Janeway out.”
As soon as the transmission ends, Janeway turns to Tuvok and says, “Tuvok, how much dirty dish water do we have?” Tuvok replies, “Approximately 47 gallons.” Janeway says, “Very good. Beam them to Neelix’s ship. He won’t know the difference...”
Meanwhile... in the Ocampan underground...
Torres and Kim are given the privilege of wandering around aimlessly. Torres observes, “We are underground, aren’t we?” The Ocampan doctor replies, “You betcha. The Caretaker brought us here. He gives us water and food.” Torres says, “Wow, kind of like being somebody’s poodle...”
Just then, an annoying little Ocampan female approaches them and says, “Hello, I am Kes.”
Mr. Kim says, “Kes. You have to help us escape and get back to our people. Or else we’re going to die. I’m too young to die!! I’m only 22.” Kes says, “Really? You look a whole lot older. But that doesn’t matter, everybody here would kill to live to be 22...” B’Elanna asks, “Why? How long do your people live?”
Kes answers, “Well, I am not even 2 years old. My people usually live to be 9. However, when we reach the age of 7 we lose all touch with reality and start handing our friends over to merciless aliens... For no apparent reason.” B’Elanna replies, “Bummer. But can you help us get back to the surface?” Kes says, “Of course. I’ll be glad to help. Then I can reunited with my boyfriend, Neelix. A wonderfully charming man. A great cook. And pretty damned handsome for being 35 years old...”
B’Elanna gasps, “What?? You’re not even two years old yet... But you have some 35 year old chasing after you?? That’s just sick!”
Meanwhile... Voyager approaches the Ocampan homeworld...
Tuvok announces, “I’ve scanned the planet. There is a great deal of underground colonies. There is a forcefield protecting it. But I managed to find a breach in the field, and I think we can beam through it.”
Meanwhile... Kes, Harry and B’Elanna are climbing a flight of stairs...
Harry is getting tired, “Kes. We’ve been climbing for hours! How much further to the top?” Kes replies, “Another twenty miles is all. If I was thinking, I should have taken us up in the elevator...” Just then, Janeway, Chakotay and Neelix beam into the corridor right next to Harry and the others. Janeway says, “Thank God we found you. Let’s get out of here! Janeway to Paris, beam us out of here!” Paris replies, “I’m sorry Captain. The security breach has been conveniently sealed. I can’t beam you up.”
Kim says, “Wait a minute. Captain, instead of everybody beaming down here... Why didn’t you simply beam Kes, Torres and I up to Voyager?” Janeway growls, “Oh shut up, Ensign. You better get very used to being called Ensign, by the way...”
A few hours later... The group finally reaches the surface of the planet...
Kim says, “Hey. Wait a minute. If all the breaches have been conveniently sealed, how were we able to reach the surface of the planet?” Janeway growls, “Another word out of you, Kim, and you get left behind!”
The group is finally beamed back to Voyager. Mr. Paris announces, “Captain! There are two alien ships heading for the Caretaker’s array!” Neelix gasps, “It must be the Kazon!” Janeway asks, “Kazon? Who are the Kazon?” Neelix replies, “A very very bad idea for a villain!”
Voyager rushes back to the array. And the Kazon hails them. Janeway says, “Put the Kazon Captain on screen.” The Kazon Captain, Javin, appears on screen. Janeway says, “Good God!!!! Dude, what happened to your hair??” Javin replies, “Have you come to investigate the entity’s strange behavior, too?” Janeway says, “That depends on what an entity is. But all we care about is getting back home. Who the hell are you, anyway?”
Javin replies, “I am First Maje Javin of the Kazon-Ogla!”
Javin growls, “What???”
Janeway replies, “Ogla... That’s such a funny name!”
Javin abruptly ends the conversation and begins firing on Voyager. Janeway says, “Oh dear. I think we made him mad...”
Janeway quickly hails Chakotay’s ship and says, “Chakotay... Tuvok and I are beaming to the array to meet with the Caretaker. Can you hold off the Kazon?” Chakotay replies, “I doubt it. Look at my puny ship.” Janeway says, “Oh well...” She then turns to Paris and says, “You have the conn.” Paris triumphantly replies, “Yes ma’am!!” Kim excitedly says, “Cool! It must be crunch time!!”
Tuvok and Janeway beam to the array and meet the Caretaker... Sitting in a barn.
Tuvok says, “What the hell? We’re in a barn! I doubt this guy was able to bring us to the Delta Quadrant by milking a goat!” Janeway says, “It’s a holodeck, Tuvok!” Tuvok says, “Oh... Sorry. I don’t have much experience with holodecks.” Janeway says, “Don’t worry. I’m sure we will all be spending far too much time on holodecks over the next seven years...”
Janeway approaches the Caretaker and says, “You have to send us back to where we came from.” The Caretaker replies, “I wish I could. I have very little time. I am sealing the conduits before I die.” Janeway then says, “Look, I really think...”
The Caretaker interrupts, “Our technology ruined the planet’s atmosphere. The Ocampa would have died. But I agreed to stay behind and look after the Ocampa. And so I’ve been trying to procreate. I’ve given them enough energy for the next five years. But after that, their energy will run out. They will have to come to the surface. And they won’t be able to survive and...”
Janeway interrupts, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boo-hoo for the Ocampa. I demand you send us back to where we came from!” The Caretaker says, “Sorry, I can’t. I’ve initiated a self-destruct sequence.”
Janeway growls, “I just hate you, Caretaker...”
Meanwhile... on Chakotay’s ship...
Torres says, “Voyager’s in big trouble. We have to help them!” Chakotay says, “I’m going to set a collision course!” Torres says, “What?? That sounds dangerous!” Chakotay says, “Don’t worry. I’m really really good at crashing small ships. So beam the crew to Voyager... And drop shields for transport!”
Torres says, “I didn’t realize we had to drop shields for transport. I’ll be damned...”
Chakotay hails Paris and says, “My people are beaming aboard. Tell one of your Starfleet cracker-jack transporter chiefs to keep a lock on me. I’m going to buy you some time!”
Paris replies, “Acknowledged. Paris to Transporter Chief Cracker-Jack... Keep a lock on Chakotay!” Cracker-Jack answers, “Aye, sir.”
Chakotay then sets a collision course to the Kazon ship. He starts firing like crazy and the Kazon start firing back. Paris hails Chakotay and says, “You’re starting to break up. Standby for transport.” Chakotay yells, “Not yet!!! Wait... Wait... okay! Nope, wait! Wait... Wait... Now!!”
Nothing happens. Chakotay screams, “Now!! Hello?! Now!!!!!!”
Meanwhile... In Voyager’s break room...
Cracker-Jack is enjoying a cool glass of lemonade. Suddenly she gasps, “Oh God!! I forgot about that Maquis guy!!” Cracker-Jack rushes to Transporter Room Two and beams Chakotay aboard... Looking very very bruised and bloody. Just then, Chakotay’s ship crashes into the Kazon ship. Paris hails the transporter room and says, “Do you have him?”
Chakotay punches the transporter chief and says, “They’ve got me...”
Just then, the Kazon ship spins out of control and crashes into the Caretaker’s array.
Janeway and Tuvok feel the impact and the hologram simulation ends. Janeway and Tuvok find themselves in some sort of control room. And the farmer/Caretaker transforms into a big puddle of goop. Tuvok says, “The Caretaker?”
Janeway looks at the goop and says, “Eww! Dude, stick with the farmer look.”
Janeway then hails Voyager and yells, “Report!!” Paris answers, “The Kazon ship just collided with the array!” Tuvok says, “They must have let Chakotay do the flying...”
The Caretaker then says, “The self destruct sequence has been damaged. Now this installation will not be destroyed.” Janeway says, “Awwwww... Looks like I win.” Tuvok says, “Shall I activate the program to get us back?” Janeway says, “You better believe it, Tuvok! Activate that puppy!” Tuvok asks, “What happens to the Ocampa, after we’re gone?”
Janeway says, “Who gives a rat’s ass? Activate the program!”
Just then, the Caretaker interrupts, “Wait! I was able to reactivate the self-destruct sequence. I will still be able to destroy this installation!” Janeway growls, “I just hate you, Caretaker!” With that, she pulls out her phaser and shoots the Caretaker. The Caretaker dies and turns into a piece of charcoal.
Janeway turns to Tuvok, “Is there any way to stop the self-destruct sequence?” Tuvok answers, “I’m afraid not...” Janeway says, “Damn! Well, I think I can still come out of all this looking really self-sacrificing and noble. So Tuvok, if anybody asks, the Caretaker wasn’t able to reactivate the self-destruct and so I decided to destroy it to keep the Kazon away from it!” Tuvok replies, “Indeed.”
Moments later... Janeway and Tuvok return to the Bridge. Janeway says, “Tuvok, get the tricobalt devices ready!” Tuvok says, “The what devices? Never heard of such a thing!”
Janeway hails the remaining Kazon ship and says, “Javin, you better move your ships to a safe distance. I’m going to destroy the array.” Javin yells, “You can’t do that!!” Janeway replies, “I can... And I will.” Javin pouts, “Oh yeah. Well, you’re fat...” With that, Javin ends the transmission.
Torres rushes over to Janeway and says, “What do you think you’re doing?? That array is the only way we have to get back home!!” Janeway says, “I’m aware everybody has loved ones back home. But I’m not about to trade the lives of the Ocampa for our convenience. By the way... I love those kick-ass boots you’re wearing...”
Torres growls to Chakotay, “Who is she to be judging my footwear?” Chakotay answers, “She’s the Captain... Sucks, doesn’t it?”
Tuvok then says, “Those tricobalt things of yours are ready.”
Janeway then says, “Fire!!”
With that, Voyager fires, and the array is utterly destroyed.
A few hours later...
Janeway meets with Paris and says, “Well, Tom. We’re going to be here for a while, I think. So I’ve decided to grant you the rank of Lieutenant.”
Paris says, “Hot damn!”
Kim then comes barging in and says, “Wait just a minute!! Tom Paris, who just got done spending time in prison, is being promoted to Lieutenant? And B’Elanna Torres, who didn’t even finish Starfleet Academy and was a member of the Maquis, also is being promoted to Lieutenant? And yet, I’m stuck being an Ensign??”
Janeway replies, “Yup. I’m a vengeful little snot, aren’t I?”
Kim sulks out. Just then Neelix and Kes arrive. Neelix says, “Captain. We both want to be a part of your journey!” Janeway says, “Sorry, pal. We don’t do passengers.” Neelix says, “We won’t be passengers. We will be very useful. You need a guide? I’m your guide. You need a cook? I’m your guy. You need supplies? I know where to get them? You need...”
Janeway says, “Fine!! If I say you can stay, will you shut up?” Neelix says, “Yes.” Janeway says, “Good... Then welcome to Voyager.” Neelix says, “Thanks. By the way, I hope you have a large supply of aspirin. You’re going to need it with me being here...”
Finally, Janeway gives her dramatic speech, “We’re alone. In an uncharted part of the galaxy. We’ve already made some friends here and some enemies. We have no idea of the dangers we’re going to face. I just hope it’s not the Borg... Hopefully our writers can be a little more original than that. I do know that both crews are going to have to work together. But don’t worry... After about two years, nobody will ever mention the Maquis again. And we’ll be looking for new ways to get home. We’ll be looking for wormholes that send us back in time or into the belly of a monster. And we’ll be looking for new technologies, which we won’t be smart enough to figure out. And we’ll be looking for new crewmembers with an incredible bust size. Somewhere along this journey... We will find these things. So, Mr. Paris, set a course for home!”
Insert more squiggly lines to imply that we have finished our flashback...
Mr. Mason is shocked, “Captain Janeway! What are you doing? You are admitting that you shot and killed the Caretaker deliberately?” Janeway says, “Hey! He died of natural causes... It just coincidentally happened after I shot him...”
The judge says, “No dice, Janeway. I’m not buying your story! The judgment of this court rules that Captain Janeway is responsible for the Caretaker’s wrongful death. I hereby award his brother, The Undertaker, the sum of $100 million.”
The Undertaker starts hollering and screaming and jumping for joy.
Janeway then says, “Ummm... Hello? I seem to be the only one who remembers that money doesn’t exist in the 24th Century...” The Judge says, “My God! She’s right! Case dismissed!”
Janeway has the last laugh. Dr. Freud approaches her and says, “I’m so proud of you, my dear.”
Janeway asks, “So I’m really mentally stable?”
Freud replies, “Well... no. But at least you will never have to be fitted with a straitjacket.”
Janeway says, “Yeah. I’ll stick with my lesbian jacket.”
(ba dum bum)