“Captain’s Log: Trouble. Mr. Neelix has been brutally murdered by some sort of psychopath. I must find out who the killer is... I’m going to take them to lunch. But I fear that the killer may strike again. More bad news. Starfleet warned us that if we don’t hurry up and get home, it will cost us dearly. I fear Starfleet will abandon Voyager. I fear Starfleet may start renting our homes to other people. That freak Arturis has returned, offering to send us back to Earth... What a guy! However, I am still haunted by the visions of the alternate timeline. A timeline in which Voyager had returned to Earth. A timeline in which I underwent massive therapy. A timeline in which my butt was considerably smaller. I must unlock the secret of the temporal paradox. My very sanity is at stake. Oh, how I love melodrama...”
Captain Janeway rushes down to the mess hall, where The Doctor and Seven of Nine are waiting. The two are looking at Neelix’s lifeless corpse. Seven runs over to Janeway and says, “Captain! I must speak to you immediately!” Janeway asks, “What? You have some sort of information about the murder?” Seven says, “Nope. I’m just wondering about A Briefing With Neelix. Do you think I can be the host now? Please tell me nobody else has dibs already.” Janeway says, “No. The job is yours. But the name of the show won’t make any sense...” Seven replies, “Already taken care of. I’m going to change the name to A Briefing WithOUT Neelix... But With Seven of Nine Instead.”
Janeway says, “Hmmmm... Sounds a bit long.” Seven grows impatient, “I will make a really big sign!” Janeway says, “Okay, fine! Now I really must tend to this whole murder thing.” Seven screams and jumps for joy and rushes out of the room. Janeway turns to the Doctor and asks, “What do you think, Doctor?” The Doctor replies, “Well, I think he’s dead. I’ll have to perform an autopsy to determine the cause of death.”
Janeway says, “Well, I think all those stab wounds are a good indication...”
The Doctor says, “Shut up! I’m taking the body down to the morgue.” Janeway gasps, “I didn’t realize Voyager had a morgue!” The Doctor replies, “The original blueprints did not include a morgue. But then after Starfleet made you captain of the ship, they realized a morgue would be needed.”
Meanwhile... In the bowels of the ship...
Ensign Wildman announces, “We need to contact Arturis on board the Dauntless. We need to let him know that we are ready to take action upon his request.” Mr. Carey says, “We’ll need to open a channel to his ship. But the moment we do, Mr. Tuvok will be made aware.” Ensign Vorik replies, “We need to create some sort of diversion.” Icheb suggests, “I know! I’ll take off all my clothes and run around the bridge naked!”
The villains ignore the exhibitionist. Naomi Wildman then says, “You leave this to me. I will use my annoying tendencies to distract our dear Mr. Tuvok.”
A short time later, on Voyager’s bridge...
Janeway returns to the Bridge and bellows, “Report!!!”
Mr. Kim says, “We still have no idea who the killer might be. We also have Arturis standing by, he wants to know if we’ll accept his offer. And Commander Chakotay was picking his nose while you were gone.” Chakotay whines, “I was itching!” Janeway says, “Now Chakotay, you must not do that. You stick that finger up your nose too far, you might end up poking your brain, which causes brain damage. Oh wait... Look who I’m talking to...”
Janeway then says, “Okay, put Arturis on screen!” Arturis appears and says, “Hello Captain, are you willing to accept my revenge... I mean, generous offer?” Janeway says, “I dunno, Arturis. I can’t forget what you did to us a few years ago...” Paris mumbles, “Give yourself some credit, Captain. A woman of your age can forget anything!” Janeway growls, “You’re just begging for me to rip off that other ear, aren’t you?” Paris replies, “Well, at least I wouldn’t have to listen to you anymore...” Arturis interrupts, “Stop! Captain, I need an answer. You gonna accept my offer, or what?” Janeway asks, “You promise that you won’t betray us?”
Arturis replies, “I am telling the truth! Or else my name isn’t Arturis.... Um... Smith.” Janeway says, “Very well! It wouldn’t be Voyager if I weren’t making a drastic mistake. I’ll tell my crew to prepare to transport to your ship.” Arturis says, “Excellent! You won’t regret this... Actually, you probably will. But not until later...”
The transmission ends. Just then, Naomi Wildman arrives on the bridge. She starts going off, “Captain, I wanna be Bridge Assistant... I have a rescue operation for Seven of Nine... I wanna be in the Voyager Science Fair...” Janeway shrieks, “Tuvok! Get her out of here! And bring me some Tylenol on your way back.” Tuvok grabs Naomi’s hair and drags her to the turbolift. Once they arrive in the turbolift, Naomi clicks her commbadge, “Naomi Wildman to the Anti-Voyagers, the tactical station is secure. Initiate Stage Two of the plan!”
Tuvok turns to her and says, “That’s really getting old, kid! If a temporal anomaly ever transports me into a timeframe in which you were not yet born, I will beg your mother to get her tubes tied!”
Moments later, Icheb dashes on to Voyager’s Bridge... Totally naked. He runs around in circles screaming, “Look, I’m naked!! Woo-woo!” Icheb then notices that Tuvok isn’t on the Bridge anymore. He then says, “Never mind...”
As he’s leaving the Bridge, Janeway winks, “My oh my, Icheb... How you’ve grown...”
Meanwhile... Back in the bowels...
Vorik says, “I just got the signal from Naomi. We can contact Arturis now.” Wildman hails Arturis and says, “Okay, Artie... How goes it?” Arturis replies, “First of all... Calling me Artie gets your jaw wired shut. Secondly, I have convinced Janeway to beam her crew to my ship!” Wildman’s voice booms, “Excellent! Well, I want you to beam the senior officers to your ship. You will leave me, my daughter, Ensign Vorik, Icheb and Mr. Carey here on Voyager!”
Arturis asks, “What about the rest of the crew?”
Wildman answers, “Rest? What rest? They’re all dead. Killed off, one by one, over the past seven years...”
Arturis says, “I’m so sorry.” Wildman says, “Don’t be. Nobody ever seemed to know who they were.” Arturis says, “Oh, okay. Well, once the senior officers are on board my ship, I am going to take them back to Borg space so that they can be assimilated by the Borg.” Wildman says, “Good! And the rest of us will finally be free of Janeway’s tyranny... Everybody wins! Well, except for those who suffer the unspeakable agony.”
Back on Voyager’s Bridge...
Janeway makes a shipwide announcement, “All hands, this is Captain Janeway...” Chakotay interrupts, “And all feet... This is Chakotay.” Chakotay snorts with laughter...
Janeway smashes Chakotay’s face with a brick and continues, “As I was saying... I have agreed with the offer proposed by Arturis. We will all beam aboard the Dauntless and he will take us all back to the Alpha Quadrant... What a guy!” Tuvok says, “I will make sure that everybody has their bags packed within the hour.”
Janeway says, “Good, and prepare the transporter room. Get it ready to beam the remaining thirteen of us to the Dauntless.” Chakotay says, “You mean fourteen, don’t you? You’re forgetting my inflatable girlfriend.” Janeway says, “I thought you popped her... And I don’t mean that in a dirty way...”
Chakotay says, “Oh you’re right. She did collapse. But you’d be surprised what you can do with scotch tape. The Doctor assures me if I lose a few pounds, it shouldn’t happen again.”
One hour later...
Everybody has arrived in the transporter room. Except for the Anti-Voyagers. Janeway pages them, “Janeway to tardy crewmembers, where are you? We need to beam over to the Dauntless.” Carey answers, “You go on ahead. We’ll be right behind you. We’re just staying behind to turn off all the lights and stuff.” Janeway gets all teary-eyed, “I have the most energy-conscious crew in the Quadrant...”
Janeway then turns to the Doctor and says, “Have you gotten any indication about who killed Neelix?” The Doctor replies, “I’ve been studying the case very carefully. I’ve determined that Neelix’s death was an accident.” Janeway shrieks, “An accident?? What did he do, fall on a knife 30 times?” The Doctor is embarrassed, “Okay... Bad thinking. I just don’t have the slightest clue who our serial killer is.”
Janeway is rather annoyed. But that can wait until later. Janeway signals Arturis and the senior officers are beamed aboard the Dauntless. They arrive in the Dauntless transporter room and see a big banner which reads: “Good Luck on Exacting Your Revenge on Voyager!”
Arturis smiles, “Welcome aboard, everybody!”
Janeway glares at the banner and growls, “What the hell are you trying to do??” Chakotay says, “Captain... I think he’s trying to welcome us aboard.” Janeway turns to him and says, “You know what, Chakotay... You’re not allowed to talk for the rest of the chapter.”
Arturis looks at the banner and says, “Oh god! I forgot to take that down from yesterday’s party. Um, I mean the banner replicator has been acting strangely. Pay no attention to it...”
Janeway grows suspicious, “Are you sure you’re not going to betray us?” Arturis feigns surprise, “How can you ask that? I will keep my promise to you or else my name isn’t Arturis.... Um... Wagner.” Janeway replies, “Very well. You better hurry up and beam the rest of my crew aboard.”
Arturis fiendishly smiles, “Oh, do you mean the Anti-Voyagers?” Janeway is floored, “Anti-Voyagers? Are you telling me I have Voyager bashers on board my ship!?” Arturis replies, “Yes! I have been plotting with them for weeks! They allowed me to find you and capture you!” Tuvok deduces, “That was why Naomi Wildman showed up on the bridge and acted like a dork!” B’Elanna says, “You’ll need to be more specific, Tuvok. That’s all she ever does...” Kim then says, “And that explains why Icheb showed up on the bridge naked!” Janeway frowns, “You mean... He wasn’t trying to seduce me?”
Arturis chortles, “Nope! And now I will make sure that all of you are assimilated by the Borg! I am taking us back to Borg space!” Seven points out, “When that happens... You will be assimilated, as well.” Arturis says, “Zoinks! I hadn’t considered that. But I’m not too worried. I am a very wealthy man. I think I can convince the Borg Queen to let me go.” Seven says, “You think you can bribe the Borg Queen??” Arturis answers, “If the price is right.” Chakotay suddenly shouts, “Well, I bid one dollar!”
Janeway says, “Didn’t I tell you not to speak??”
Back on Voyager’s Bridge...
Ensign Wildman, Vorik, Carey and Naomi arrive on the Bridge. Ensign Wildman says, “At last! We have control of Voyager! Everybody, take your positions!” Vorik asks,"What positions? You mean like second base and right field?” Wildman says, “No! Now listen up. I’m going to be the Captain! Vorik, you take the tactical station. Icheb, you take the Ops station. Mr. Carey, you take Engineering... Do you think you can handle Engineering by yourself?”
Carey replies, “Yes. As long as I don’t have to do any ‘Parallax’ things...”
Wildman says, “No problem. And my darling daughter... You get to be the pilot.” Naomi replies, “Yay! But I’m going to need a booster seat...”
Vorik then announces, “Captain Wildman... The Dauntless is jumping to slipstream.” Wildman gloats, “Excellent! Their fate is sealed! Now we are in control of Voyager... And we can do things our way! We don’t have to obey Janeway’s constant orders of setting a course for Earth!”
Naomi asks, “Shall I set a course?”
Wildman replies, “Yes! Set a course for Earth!”
Meanwhile... on the Dauntless...
Janeway begs with Arturis, “Please reconsider! Please don’t kill my crew! Please don’t take us to Borg space!” Arturis says, “Oh, I’m not taking you to Borg space just yet. We’re going to Sector 47 first.” Tuvok asks, “Whats in Sector 47?” Arturis replies, “You never heard of Sector 47? Dude, it rocks! They’ve got their own Planet Hollywood, they’ve got Six Flags Over the Delta Quadrant. And they’ve got an awesome zoo. That zoo claims to have the largest pot-bellied pig in the quadrant!”
Paris mumbles, “Wow... Somebody finally dethroned Captain Janeway?”
Janeway then says, “You’re pushing it, Paris!”
Janeway then turns to Arturis and says, “Hey, maybe we can skip Six Flags. There is a nearby temporal anomaly that we really must investigate...” Arturis asks, “Why? What’s so special about this anomaly?” Janeway then says, “If we can fix the temporal paradox, we will return to our normal timeline. The timeline in which you were killed long ago.” Arturis says, “What?? Then there’s no way I’m taking you to this anomaly!”
Janeway says, “Oh dear. I really didn’t mean to say that last part out loud...”
A couple hours later...
Janeway says, “How about this? If you let us go, we’ll give you holographic technology, weapons, a replicator... And a beautiful chef’s hat. You’ll have to wipe off some blood first... But other than that, it’s a very cool chef’s hat!” Arturis says, “For the 47th time... The answer is no!!”
Just then, the Dauntless drops out of slipstream and arrives in Borg Space...
Arturis says, “At last! You people are doomed now!”
The Doctor looks at the viewscreen and says, “There’s nobody here, bud. Nothing. Are you sure you’ve taken us to Borg space?” Arturis says, “Postive! Where could they be?” Chakotay suggests, “Church?”
Just then, four hundred trillion Borg ships jump out of transwarp space. They hail the Dauntless and say, “We are the Borg. We are sorry we’re late. We ran into traffic. We hope we didn’t keep you waiting.”
Arturis says, “Not a problem! You guys still do assimilating, right?”
The Borg reply, “Yes. You will be assimilated.”
Arturis says, “Well... Everybody except for me. I have $1,500 here. I think that’s the rate for letting people escape, right?”
The Borg replies, “Affirmative. However, today is Triple Coupon Tuesday. Three escapes for the price of one. Two more are allowed to high-tail it out of here.”
Chakotay and B’Elanna make a quick escape for an escape pod and escape in the escape pod. Arturis also escapes.
The Borg then says, “As for the rest of you. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. We’ll need your shoe sizes, if you don’t mind.” Tuvok raises his hand and says, “I was wondering... Can we have the same implants?” The Borg reply, “Irrelevant... They were donated to the Badwill. It’s kind of like Goodwill... Except for evil people.”