Author’s Note: Pleasure will be enhanced exponentially by watching the movie Star Trek: Generations... it’s not too bad!
A bottle of Zima tumbles through space and impacts on the side of the newest Enterprise (at least until the next one) 1701-B. The impact causes a massive hull breach and sixty nameless redshirts are sucked out to their deaths. Three weeks later, after extensive repairs and lawsuits, Kirk, Scotty, and Chekov arrive with a slew of reporters.
Reporters: [overlapping] Captain Kirk! How does if feel to be back on the bridge of the Enterprise? Did you have sex with Monica Lewinski? Commander Scott, what do you think of the Enterprise-B? Do you think there’s any truth to the rumors that Captain Harriman suffers from severe head trauma? Commander Chekov... uh... no questions for you.
Harriman: [trying to silence the reporters] Excuse me... Excuse me... Shaddapp, wouldya!?
The reporters shut up and look at Harriman, obviously wondering who in their right mind would make this guy a captain.
Harriman: I’m Captain Harriman, and I would like to welcome you all aboard.
Kirk: Well then, why don’t you?
Harriman: Why don’t I what?
Kirk: Welcome us aboard?
Harriman: I just did.
Kirk: Did what?
Harriman: Welcome you aboard.
Kirk: Thank you, Captain Harriman, it’s a pleasure to be here.
Harriman: Right... Let me just say how thrilled I am to have a group of living legends and Commander Chekov on board. I remember watching you in syndication when I was in grade school last week.
There is a long pause as Kirk and Harriman stare at each other. The silence is only interrupted by the occasional cough from the occasional reporter.
Kirk: Mind if we take a look around?
Harriman: Sure. Sure. Just don’t touch anything.
Kirk, Scotty, and Chekov disperse and start looking around the bridge while reporters follow and harass them. One reporter walks up to Kirk.
Reporter: So, tell me Captain. This is the first Starship Enterprise since Star Trek VI without Captain Kirk as the captain. How do you feel about that?
Kirk: I think it sucks ass. I mean, have you seen that Harriman guy? What a freakin’ putz!
Reporter: What have you been up to since you were fired?
Kirk: I’ve been keeping busy.
Reporter: Writing a much-dreaded Tek book?
Kirk: It’s not that dreaded!
Everyone on Bridge: Yes it is.
Kirk waves them off. Chekov walks up to him with an attractive young Asian girl.
Chekov: Captain, may I present Ensign Demora Sulu.
Kirk: Why thank you, Chekov... she’s lovely, but I don’t know where I’m going to put her.
Chekov: Captain, this is the Helmsman of the Enterprise-B.
Kirk: What a minute... Demora Sulu... Sulu... Sulu... Sulu... Why does that name seem so familiar? I got it! Wasn’t Sulu the guy with the pointy ears?
Chekov: No, Captain... Sulu was the helmsman. Demora is Sulu’s daughter.
Kirk: I see... well, Demora, it wouldn’t be the Enterprise without a Sulu to steal scenes from. Well, I guess it would be the Enterprise without a Sulu. On the other hand, it would still be the Enterprise if you painted the whole ship purple with pink polka dots and... Hey, where’d she go? Chekov? Where’d she...?
Kirk turns and sees that Chekov has ditched him as well. Scotty walks by and Kirk grabs him by the arm.
Scotty: Ahhh!!! I didn’t know that the little red button would decompress the shuttlebay! Oh, Captain Kirk! Uh... forget what I just said.
Kirk: Scotty, it absolutely amazes me.
Scotty: What’s that, sir?
Kirk: Sulu! When did he have time to knock up some intergalactic space babe and punch out a knockout like Demora over there, when I was the one who was supposedly getting all the chicks?
Scotty: Well, it’s like you’ve always said sir. If something’s important, you make the time!
Harriman: Excuse me, gentlemen... could you please take your seats?
Kirk walks over and sits in the captain’s chair. Harriman glowers at him until he finally takes his proper seat in the darkest corner of the bridge.
Harriman: Okey-dokey! Turn on the engines, and... uh... prepare to go into space or something. Captain Kirk!
Harriman: I’d be pleased if you’d give the order to get underway.
Kirk mouths the words: “...son of a bitch!”
Harriman: Please sir, I insist.
Kirk: Fine fine. [stands up] Prepare to leave space dock, aft thruster at full port and starboard at station keeping. Take us out! Let’s get this party started! [walks over to man in old Titanic uniform standing in front of an antique wooden steering wheel] Mr. Murdock, let’s stretch her legs.
Murdock: Aye, Captain Smith.
A little while later...
Harriman: Well, folks... we just clear the asteroid belt with a minimum of casualties. [he walks past a huge rock embedded in the hull, lying atop a dead redshirt] Now we’ll go out around Pluto and then on to Mickey and then Donald if we have time.
His laugher dies as the joke bombs.
Crewman: We’re picking up a distress call, Captain.
Harriman: [starts sweating] Oh, shit... On speakers.
Speakers: This is the transport ship Lollipop... we’re caught in some kind of............ can’t break free! Need imm.....iate help! It’s tearing us apart! ....like some kind of big ribbon thing! Hey, that’s pretty catchy! I like that...
Harriman: [to Demora] Can you locate them?
Demora: The Lollipop and its sister ship are three light years away.
Harriman: Can you locate them? Nevermind that... signal the closest ship. We’re in no condition to mount a rescue.
Demora: We’re the only one in range sir.
Harriman: But... w-we’re still in the solar system! There’s got to be another ship in range!
Demora: Nope, we’re the only one.
Harriman: Well, look harder.
Demora: Looking... Looking... Looking... Nope, we’re it.
Harriman: Any chance that if we did nothing the whole thing might work out on its own?
Demora: Uh... no... don’t think so sir.
Harriman is now sweating profusely and wondering why the universe is being so mean to him all of the sudden. He also wants his binky and teddy.
Harriman: Well.... I-I-I g-guess it’s up to us. [takes a puff from an inhaler] T-Take us there, maximum w-warp.
A few minutes later, the Enterprise arrives at the site of the energy ribbon.
Chekov: What the hell is that?
Demora: It’s an energy ribbon!
Chekov: Not that. [points] That!!!
A big slimy alien emerges, grabs a redshirt. and carries him screaming and kicking into the turbolift where the sounds of crunching and squishing are heard for a few seconds. Everyone looks back at the viewscreen.
Demora: I’ve found the transport ships! [she puts them on the viewer] Their hulls are buckling under the stress... they won’t survive much more of this!
An energy bolt hits the ship.
Harriman: [screaming like a little girl] AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Tuvok: We’re encountering severe grava... grava... gr...
Demora: Gravimetric distortions.
Tuvok: Right, what she said.
Harriman: W-We’ll have to keep our d-distance. We... [has a mild asthma attack] We don’t want to be pulled in too! [Looks at Tuvok] You’re on the wrong show, buddy!
Tuvok: You’re talking, Twister boy?
Demora: Yeah, isn’t Ferris Bueller taking another day off?
Kirk: Tractor beam.
Kirk: Tractor beam!
Harriman: You mean that dilly that we can tow stuff with?
Harriman: It won’t be installed until Tuesday.
Harriman gets an idea.
Harriman: I’ve got an idea! Let’s try generating a subspace field around the two ships. That ought to kill a few minutes.
Demora does the subspace field thing.
Demora: You’re right, sir. That was a total waste of time.
Harriman: Release all of our drive plasma into the ribbon. That might do something.
Demora: Okay... Releasing drive plasma. [all of the lights go out] You’re right sir, now that we’ve released all of the drive plasma, our power’s gone down eighty percent.
Tuvok: Sir, the starboard vessel’s hull is...
The starboard vessel explodes.
Tuvok: Uh... Nevermind.
Chekov: How many people were on that ship?
Demora: Two hundred sixty five. All aliens.
Chekov: That’s a relief.
Demora: The other ship could explode at an second.
Harriman looks like he really needs a drink. I mean, the guy’s a total wreck. He’s sweating and clammy, and by the smell of things, he’s probably lost control of his bodily functions.
Harriman: Captain Kirk, I would...
Kirk: [jumps out of his seat] First, move us into transporter range and beam those people to the Enterprise.
Harriman: But what about the gravimetic stuff? It’ll tear us apart!
Kirk: Risk is part of the game if you want to sit in that chair.
They look over at the captain’s chair which bursts into flames.
Harriman: Helm, take us in!
Kirk: And second, turn that damn thing off!
Chekov turns off his Tetris game and pouts. The Enterprise-B moves closer to the energy ribbon.
Demora: We’re within range, sir.
Harriman: B-Beam them directly to sickbay.
Chekov: How big is your medical staff?
Harriman: The medical staff doesn’t get here until Tuesday.
Chekov: [to a reporter] You believe this shit? Come on, you can help me do nothing down there.
Chekov and the two reporters leave.
Tuvok: Sir, I’m having trouble locking onto them. They appear to be in some techno-garbage thing that’s screwing up our transporter and... aw, to hell with this. I’m going back to Voyager.
Tuvok clicks his heels together three times and disappears. Scotty takes over his position.
Scotty: What the hell? Where are all of the knobs and sliding thingies? All they’ve got on this control panel are a bunch of flat buttons! This is plexiglass!
Demora: The other ship’s hull is collapsing!
Kirk: Scotty!!! Pick a button and push it!!!
Scotty does a short round of eeney-meeny-miny-moe and hits a button just as the other ship explodes.
Scotty: Hey, it worked! I got forty out of two hundred and fifty! Not bad!
The ship is hit. Everyone goes flying to one side of the bridge. Captain Harriman is crying and sucking his thumb.
Harriman: I’m not supposed to be a captain!!! It was a clerical error!!! A clerical error!!!
Crewman: We’re caught in the ribbon! We’re all going to die!!
Harriman: I want my mommy!!!
Kirk: Quiet! [backhands Harriman]
Meanwhile, in sickbay, Chekov and the two reporters are helping the alien refugees.
Refugees: The colors! The colors! I can see this light dancing! There was this fat guy chopping wood!
Chekov: It’s going to be all right! You’re going to be all right! You’re going to be... Hey, don’t touch me!
Soran: [grabs a reporter] Why!!?? Why did you take me away!? I have to go back! I must go back!!! Take me back now!!!
Chekov hits him.
A woman falls in the background.
Chekov: Here, let me help you.
Kathie Lee: Thanks... boy! This is the last time I use Carnival Cruise Lines!
Another woman walks by babbling to herself. We see that it’s Guinan.
Guinan: I told you, Sam... I don’t need this right now. You’re going to have to tell Demi Moore that you love her on your own. And what the hell does ‘ditto’ mean, anyway?
Back on the bridge, all hell is breaking loose.
Demora: All hell is breaking loose sir!
Scotty: I have a plan!
Kirk: That won’t do us any good, Mr. Scott! We need a way to break free of this energy ribbon!
Scotty: Actually, all we need to do is shoot a photon torpedo at it.
Kirk: Sounds good. Prepare to fire a torpedo at my mark.
Demora: Captain, we don’t have any torpedoes.
Harriman: [sitting in his own excrement] T-T-They don’t arrive until Tuesday.
Kirk: Tell me, does your ability to command also arrive on Tuesday?
Harriman says nothing as he pees his pants.
Scotty: We have to figure out how to cause a big explosion in front of us so that the ribbon will let us go!
The bridge officers raise their hands and start shouting, “Me! Me! Pick me!”
Scotty: Okay, you had your hand up first.
Crewman 1: We could... uh... shoot a torpedo.
Scotty: No. Okay, you?
Crewman 2: Fire phasers?
Scotty: Wrong. You?
Crewman 3: We... could eject the warp core and fire phasers at it.
Scotty: Too easy and not enough technobabble. You?
Harriman: We... could... fire the deflector at it!
Scotty looks at Harriman.
Scotty: Do ya’ have any idea how foolish an’ dangerous that is, laddie? Why, whoever we sent down there to that dangerous and inaccessable part of the ship would surely be...
An evil grin crosses his face as he looks over at Kirk.
Scotty: Oh, captain! I have a job for you!
A few minutes later, Kirk is running through the most dangerous portions of the Enterprise-B. He dodges exploding consoles, falling debris, poisonous snakes, booby traps, and man-eating tigers until he reaches deflector control. Once there, he rewires a few things and presses the “turn the deflector into a big phaser” button.
Kirk: That’s it! Let’s go!
The Enterprise shoots the ribbon and escapes, but not before a lightning bolt shoots off the lower section of the ship. People on the bridge fly all over the place. Harriman pukes on the deck.
Demora: We’re clear of the ribbon, Captain.
Harriman: [climbs out from underneath the console] G-Good. Give me a damage report.
Demora: There are a lot of things broken — a bunch of the ship fell off.
Harriman: Which part of the ship fell off?
Demora: Uh... the... deflector part.
Scotty: Oh my god... how are we going to get home without a deflector?
Harriman: Say, wasn’t Kirk working on the deflector?
Scotty: Oh dear... Tell Chekov to meet me on deck fifteen.
Scotty boards the turbolift and, as the doors slide shut, laughs maniacally. A few minutes later, Harriman, Scotty, and Chekov stare at the huge Kirk-shaped hole in the side of what was once the deflector room.
Chekov: My god, was anyone in here?
Scotty: Uh-huh. The captain.
Chekov: You mean...?
Scotty: [nodds slowly]
Chekov: We’re finally rid of him?
Scotty and Chekov high five as the camera moves out the Kirk-shaped hole in the side of the Enterprise-B and out into space. Slowly, the crippled starship turns and heads back to Earth.
Chekov: Hey, did one of you guys shit your pants?
Seventy some-odd years later, we see a great sailing ship on the ocean. It is the USS Minnow and on board we see the entire crew of the USS Enterprise-D dressed in a bunch of gay-looking navy uniforms.
Picard: Bring out the prisoner!
Worf, dressed as a pirate, is lead out onto the deck by Troi, who is dressed like a dominatrix.
Picard: Mr. Worf, are you prepared to face the charges?
Troi: [cracks a whip] Answer him!
Worf: I am prepared to face my charges.
Picard: [takes out a scroll] Mr. Worf, you owe $55.65 on your Mastercard, $450.99 on your Discover, $97.34 on your...
Riker: Wrong charges sir.
Picard: Oh... [takes out another scroll] Mr. Worf, you are accused of shooting first and asking questions later, running headlong into battle for no good reason at all and with no plan whatsoever, and finally, for being a big, big, man. So, I am promoting you to Lieutenant Commander for the hell of it. That’s all, throw him into the water.
All of the crew pick Worf up and chuck him over the side into the shark-infested waters. He lands on Leonardo DiCaprio’s frozen body before a Great White pulls him under.
Data: [to Dr. Crusher] I find this most confusing. Why is everyone laughing? Why is it so funny that Worf is being torn to pieces by sharks?
Crusher: It’s black comedy Data. We laugh at other people’s misfortune and pain. Get it?
Data: Got it.
Data rips Dr. Crusher’s arms out of their sockets and pushes her over the side.
Data: [holds up the severed arms] Oh dear, I suppose we should give her... “a hand”!
Data: That was...?
LaForge: ...fucking hilarious!
LaForge and Troi help Worf and Beverly back onto the ship. Worf has been chewed up and mangled, and a shark is still attached to his leg. He’s had a great time. Crusher is beamed to sickbay.
Some guy on the Bridge: Bridge to Captain Picard.
Picard: Picard here.
The same guy: There’s an incoming collect call for you from Earth.
Picard: [mutters] Cheap bastards. [normal voice] I’ll take it down here.
Picard walks to the middle of the deck.
Picard: Computer: arch.
The McDonalds golden arches appear on the deck with the caption: “Billions and Billions Served (Most of them Riker).” Picard walks over to them and opens a panel revealing a computer monitor. He reads the message and suddenly looks distraught. Troi notices that he looks distraught so she goes over to him.
Troi: Captain, I couldn’t help but notice that you’re distraught.
Picard: [distraught] I’m just a little (sniff) distraught right now, counselor. Excuse me. Computer: Exit!
A plain metal door suddenly appears with a glowing green sign that says “EXIT” on it. Picard runs out of the holodeck crying like a little baby.
That guy from the bridge again: Bridge to Holodeck!
Riker: Holodeck, Riker here.
Guy: Riker? Well, I guess you’ll have to do. We’re getting a distress call from the Amargossa Observatory... Their message is as follows: HELP!!! OH, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!! SOMEONE COME HELP US!!! THEY’RE KILLING US!!! NO! NO! NOOOOOOO! SLASH! ACK! GURGLE! End of message.
Riker: So much for the luau... Red alert! battlestations! Captain Picard, to the bridge!
All sorts of red lights start flashing and that annoying “WHOOOOOP! WHOOOOOP! WHOOOOOOOP!” sound goes off. A few minutes later, everyone is on the bridge.
Picard: I’m right here.
Riker: Where? I can’t see!
Worf: Why is so freakin’ dark on the bridge?
Troi: Who’s touching my boobs? Riker, is that you!?
Riker: It’s not me, I’ve got my hands on my armrests.
Picard: That’s my thigh, Number one.
Troi: Then who...?
Data: Sorry, Counselor. Let me try and get some lights on.
The lights come on. Wesley can be seen in the background sneaking onto the Bridge, but one look from Worf makes him panic and run away.
Riker: Look, someone’s attacked that observatory!
Picard: Well, duh! Lifesigns?
Data: I’m detecting nine lifesigns.
Troi: [mutters] Too bad they won’t ever show up to tell us about what a dick Soran turns out to be.
Picard: Counselor! Don’t read ahead in the script!
Troi: [gives him the finger]
Picard: Number one, assemble an away team.
Riker: You want me to...?
Picard: [pissed] Yes, I want you to! Now move that swollen ass of yours and get to work!!! You’re ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag!!! You suck!!! Do you hear me?!? I said you suck!!!
Picard storms off to his ready room, leaving Riker an emotional wreck. Troi continues to read ahead in the script and cringes when she gets to the part where Data laughs uncontrollably. A few minutes later, Riker and his away team beam to the wrecked observatory.
Worf: There has got to be a survivor somewhere!
Riker: What was that?
Worf: What was what?
Worf: It appears to be coming from underneath us.
Soran: Get... off.... me!
Riker: Look! I think that we’ve found a survivor!
Riker and Worf pull Soran from the wreckage.
Riker: I’m Commander Riker of the Enterprise.
Soran: Soran... Doctor Tolian Soran.
Riker: Who attacked you, Soran, Doctor Tolian Soran?
Soran: I don’t know... it all happened so fast. I want my teddy.
Redshirt: Commander Riker! Up here!
Riker drops Soran and he and Worf climb up to where the redshirt is at.
Riker: What is it?
Redshirt: It looks like a puddle of goo.
Worf bends down and tastes of the puddle.
Worf: Romulans. (Ptoo!)
Back on the Enterprise in Data’s quarters.
Data: Is she still angry with me?
LaForge: Who, Crusher? Well, you did rip her arms off and throw her into shark-infested waters. Good thing that she was able to reattach them.
Data: [gets up and walks over to the dreaded emotions chip]
LaForge: Data, you’re not thinking about using that, are you?
Data: Yes, I believe that my development has been going so well here lately, that I have to do something to muck it up.
LaForge: Aren’t you afraid that it’ll blow up your neural net or something?
Data: Yes, but I think this is [rolls eyes] necessary to my growth. Besides, what is the worse that could happen?
LaForge: The chip could overload, causing a massive failure in your power grid. You would run around the room as your head catches fire and I am forced to beat it out using a broom while you simultaneously stomp on your pet cat, Spot, because in your malfunctioning screwed-up little mind, you’d think that Spot is a giant face-eating rat. Then you would...
Data: [hands LaForge the chip] Shut up and put the chip in!
LaForge scalps Data and begins to put the chip in.
Audience: Don’t do it! No, Data, stop! For the love of god, don’t put the chip in! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Meanwhile, in the captain’s (for some reason dimly-lit) ready room.
Riker: Captain, there’s no reason why the Romulans would attack the station. Well... except for the fact that they’re all dicks and we hate them!
Picard: Right... [starts to put on a jacket and coat and head out the door] Well, that’s done. The story’s over. Have a nice day, folks. Be sure to buy the action figures.
Riker: Actually, captain. There’s a scientist who wants to speak to you. His name’s Soran Doctor Tolian Soran.
Picard: Very well.
Riker: Captain, aren’t you forgetting something?
Picard: What? Oh yes, thank you, Number One... You worthless piece of crap! I hate you with the intensity of a white-hot star, you Kirk wannabe!!!
Riker: Why are you being so mean?
Troi: [on the other side of the door] Because his brother’s house burned down and...
In Ten Forword, Data and LaForge enters and stands at the bar before Guinan. Data is grinning like a big stupid dumb idiot.
LaForge: [scanning the room] Wow, they really spent a lot of money for extras in this movie.
Guinan: Gentleman, would you like to sample something new from Frocas III?
Data: [Picks up the glass and drinks. Instantly, he is seized with an emotional response. He drops the glass and writhes on the floor in sexual ecstasy] Whoa Mamma! Whooooooa Mama!
Guinan: I think he likes it. More?
Data: [shakily] Please.
Meanwhile, Picard enters. He looks at Data in disdain and pushes his way through the crowd towards Soran.
Picard: Are you Soran Doctor Tolian Soran?
Soran: Uh... Yes.
Picard: I’ve been told you wanted to meet with me, Soran Doctor Tolian Soran.
Soran: Yes I have, and please... It’s just Soran.
Picard: Well, Just Soran, what can I do for you?
Soran: I must return to the observatory to do so more research. I’ve been studying on ways to blow up... uh, I mean... observe stars or some such nonsense. If I don’t go back, years of research could be lost!
Picard: No, you may not go back because I’m in a bad mood for reasons that will be explained later. Until then, I’m going to act like a big honkin’ jerk. So no, I spit on you and your little wussy science experiment! [Picard spits in Soran’s face]
Soran: [Like Obi-Wan Kenobi] I’m not the villain of the movie.
Picard: [dazed] You’re not the villain of the movie.
Soran: Time is a fire that consumes us.
Picard: Time is a fire that consumes us.
Soran: You will let me on the observatory.
Picard: You will let me on the observatory.
Soran: No, no, no! You will let me on the observatory!
Picard: No, no, no! You will let me on the observatory!
Four hours later...
Soran: Okay, have we got this straight now?
Picard: Time is a fire, you are not the villain, I’m a dick, and I’ll let you on the observatory.
Soran: Good! Now beat it!
Picard leaves. Soran checks his Mickey Mouse watch. He gets a funny feeling and finally sees Guinan laughing her ass off at Data who is behaving like a lobotomy case. He starts out of the room about the time Guinan gets the same funny feeling and looks in his general direction. She shrugs the feeling off as nothing more than a bad feeling about Data’s emotion chip.
Meanwhile, in engineering...
Riker: Worf, where did this hallway come from?
Worf: I have my security teams on it, sir. We analyzed the Romulan’s tricorder. It turns out that they were scanning for a substance called trilithium.
Worf: No, trilithium. It’s an unstable compound that, in theory, could halt all nuclear fusion in a star. Although why he would have such a substance on a stellar observatory orbiting a star is far beyond me.
Riker: [not surprised] I’m not surprised. Okay, send Geordi and laughing boy over the the observatory and have them scan for trilithium. I’ll be on the holodeck running the “Debbie does Deneb III” simulation.
Worf: Well, there goes my sex drive for the next three months!
A little while later, on the observatory...
Data: Whaaaaaaa HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!
LaForge: I can’t take it anymore!!! You’ve been laughing like that for three hours!!! For the luva Mike, will you shut the fuck up?!?!
Data: I find your emotional outburst quite funny. AHH, HA, HA, HA!!
LaForge gets fed up and shoots Data with a phaser, flinging Data through the room and into a wall causing a theretobefore unknown door to open.
LaForge: Look at this. A hidden room on a Federation space station. Normally I would be suspicious, but for now let’s just investigate this as if it was normal. ’Kay?
LaForge: Hey, I’m reading lots of trilithium in here. Does that seem odd to you?
Data: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!
LaForge: Data!!! That does it!!!
LaForge picks up a large metal club and smashes it over Data’s head. The android falls on the floor and remains there with a look of shock on his face.
LaForge: Oh, shit!!! Data? Data, are you okay?
Data: What happened? I do not remember a thing!
LaForge: Oh, that’s good. [Data looks at him.] Uh... good because it means that you... can talk and aren’t permanently damaged by your... uh... emotion chip! Yeah, that’s the ticket! Let’s get you back to the Enterprise. [slaps nipple, uh, I mean communicator] LaForge to Enterprise!
Communicator: We’re sorry, but your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please try your call later.
Soran: [Appears in a puff of smoke behind them] Gentlemen, is there a problem?
LaForge: Soran Doctor Tolian Soran!
Soran: It’s Soran, you simpleton!
LaForge: Fine! We need your help, Soran You Simpleton.
Soran: Certainly. I’d only be to happy to kill yo— Uh, I mean... help you.
Soran kicks LaForge in the jimmy, and the unfortunate engineer passes out onto the deck. Data looks at Soran and starts laughing uncontrollably. Soran reacts in disgust.
Meanwhile, in the Captain’s dimly-lit quarters, Picard thumbs through an old family album as Troi enters and trips over a footstool.
Troi: [to herself] Why is it so fucking dark in here? [to Picard] All right, Captain. This little self-pity subplot has been going on long enough. Now, as your Counselor, I demand that you open up to me or else I will let it slip at the next crew party that you show overwhelming homosexual tendencies.
Picard: I do not...!
Troi: Who are they gonna believe? You... or me, the innocent and sweet ship’s counselor?
Picard: Very well. If you must know, my Brother and little nephew were burned to death in a fire. Now, why they weren’t saved by some sort of futuristic fire department or fire suppression system is beyond me and best left up to the nitpickers. Now, I have dealt with this the best I can and I am over it. Thank you very much, counselor.
Troi: [In shock] Little René is dead!?
Picard: Unfortunatly, yes. But, life — as hard as is may be — must go on.
Troi: [reading the accident report] Holy shit!!! He was cooked like an overdone potato!
Picard: Yes, yes. A tragic end to such a young life.
Troi: Crap in a hat! Did you know that the paramedics said that he was alive while his body was consumed by the thousand-degree flames, and that he was aware that his flesh was melting into a puddle around him? Can you imagine the pain that the little guy must’ve gone through as the fluid in his eyeballs reached the boiling point and exploded, leaving a pair of smoking holes in his skull?
Picard: Yes, it is truely sad.
Troi: Sad doesn’t even begin to cover it, baby! Did you even look at these pictures that the investigators took? [shoves one in Picard’s face] Look at this one! Even though his face is burned beyond all recognition, you can still make out the expression of pain and anguish at all he never got to do in life! Like drive a car, travel the world, or lose his virginity! [Elbows him in the side] I guess you can relate to that, eh?
Before Troi can answer, there is a brilliant flash of light outside of the window illuminating the dark quarters and revealing three stacks of Hustler magazines behind Picard’s desk. Minutes later, Picard and Troi are on the bridge wondering what the hell is happening.
Picard: What the hell is happening!?
Riker: The Amargosa star has broke down, sir, and it’s sent out a level-twelve plot-wave that’ll destroy the entire system!
Some guy: Sir, LaForge and Data haven’t reported in yet!
Picard: Fine, Warp one! Engage!
Riker: Sir, don’t you think we should save them?
Picard: From what?
Riker: From the observatory that’s about to be blown to smithereens?
Picard: Good lord! They’re on the observatory! We must save them. (a pause) Number One, I’m tired. You go do it.
Riker: I said... pushy. As in, quit being so... pushy. [a beat] I’m going, sir.
Riker and Worf walk away as fast as they can.
Meanwhile, on the Observatory, Data is cowering in a corner as Soran removes LaForge’s VISOR and wallet. Suddenly, the comm system ativates.
Voice: Soran, transmit your position and we’ll beam you aboard.
Soran walks over to a console and types in ‘standing upright in front of a console.’ He grins to himself, thinking of his love scene with two women in A Clockwork Orange when he hears a loud and raunchy fart rumble from the corridor.
Worf: [off camera] Good lord, Commander.
Riker: [off camera] Excuse me.
Soran whips out his phaser and starts shooting at them.
Riker: What the hell is he doing!?
Worf sees Data.
Worf: Data, can you get to Geordi?
Data: [laughing hysterically] I... HAA HEE... can not!!!
Soran shoots again.
Riker: What the hell is he doing!?
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise...
Some Guy: Captain, a Klingon Bird-of-Prey is decloaking off the port bow.
Everyone on the bridge: Captain, a Klingon Bird-of-Prey is decloaking off the port bow.
Picard: Oh, funny!
The Bird-of-Prey decloaks and descends upon the Observatory.
Troi: Shall we fire at them, sir?
Picard: No, let’s see what they’re going to do.
Troi: I think we really should fire on them.
Picard: And I said we’re going to wait.
On the observatory, Soran is still shooting at Riker and Worf.
Riker: What the hell is he doing!?
Voice: Soran, prepare for transport!
Soran sprays some breath spray in his mouth, shines his teeth with his finger, grabs Geordi for the hell of it, and beams away.
Riker: What the hell is he doing!?
The Bird-of-Prey cloaks and flies away. On the Enterprise.
Picard: Helm, warp one. Engage!
Troi: Captain, don’t you think we should wait until we’ve beamed up the away team?
Picard: [thinks about it] All right, beam up the...
The level-twelve plot-wave hits the Enterprise, which explodes in a spectacular fireball.
PLEASE DEPOSIT 25¢ TO CONTINUE
Transporter Guy’s Voice: Commander Riker’s team is aboard!
Riker’s Voice: What the hell is he doing!?
Picard: Helm, Warp One! Engage!
The Enterprise warps away right before the level-twelve plot-wave smashes the Observatory. Meanwhile, on the Bird-of-Prey, we see the Klingon Kleavage Klan, Lursa and her sister, B’Etor. Soran walks onto the bridge and smacks Lursa silly. Lursa takes the slap as a proposition and brutally rapes him.
Soran: [shakily] You got careless! The Romulans came looking for the people who left the burning bag of dog doo on their doorstep!
B’Etor: Impossible. We left no evidence it was us.
Lursa: Now we have a weapon of unbelievable power!
Someone hands Lursa an Oscar, which she accepts gratefully.
Soran: No, Lursa, I have the weapon... and if you ever want me to give it to you, you should be more cautious in the future!
Someone takes the Oscar from Lursa and gives it to Soran.
Soran: Set course for Veridan III, maximum warp.
B’Etor: [to helmboy] Et-say ourse-cay oo-tay ere-way ee-hay ed-say.
Soran smirks and walks away. Lursa sniffs the air suspiciously.
Lursa: I think he farted before he left.
Crusher: He’s an El Aurian. Over three hundred years old.
Crusher: He and a handful of refugees were rescued by some energy ribbon thingy-mah-bob by the Enterprise-B.
Riker: That’s the mission where the ship was given to some idiot due to a horrible clerical error. Oh yeah, Kirk got sucked out into space on that mission, too.
Crusher: Right. Guess who else was on board that ship?
Several nurses and extras raise their hands and start yelling “Me! Me! Me! I know! I know!”
Crusher: Okay, you had your hand up first.
Nurse: Abraham Lincoln!
Crusher: No. You?
Extra: Lizzie Borden?
Crusher: Wrong! You?
Riker: This could take a while.
Two days later, in Guninan’s quarters.
Guinan: Soran is a name I haven’t heard in a long time.
Picard: Guinan, I just came here to borrow some sugar.
Guinan: Sit down, Jean-Luc, baby. You see, this Soran guy, he’s obsessed with getting back into that weird energy ribbion doo-dad. It’s like, a place where time is meaningless.
Picard: Worse than Ohio?
Guinan: Almost. But this place, it’s like paradise. Kind of like Disneyland without the constant construction, heat, crowds, or chaffing.
Picard: And if Soran is still obsessed with getting back there...
Guinan: ...he could be a very, very dangerous man.
Picard: That was my line.
Guinan: Sorry, my bad.
Picard: No problem.
Picard turns to leave.
Guinan: If you go... you won’t care about anything. Not this ship...
Picard walks out the door as if Guinan isn’t saying anything.
Guinan: ...not me, nothing. All... [notices Picard left] Shit!
On the Bird-of-Prey, Geordi has been stripped naked and strapped to an operating table. Soran walks in, eyes him, and pouts his lips.
LaForge: Listen, uh... could I have my clothes back? And my VISOR too?
Soran: Your VISOR is very interesting.
LaForge: Yeah, uh... about my clothes...
Soran: Not very stylish, though.
LaForge: It’s very cold in here.
Soran: You may or may not know this, but I am an El Aurian. We are listeners... we listen.
LaForge: Then listen to this: Where are my clothes!?
Soran: Right now, I want to hear everything you know about trilithium!
LaForge: Or what?
Soran: Or... [picks up a small electric device] This!
Soran presses a button, and a holographic image of the Teletubbies appears. They play and laugh stupidly while Tinky-Winky eyes LaForge’s nude body lustfully.
The Enterprise-D flies by. We still hear LaForge’s scream resounding through space as the captain makes a log. No, not that kind of log... sick perverts.
Captain’s Log, Movie #1: The film is running a bit long so we’ve had to cut a bunch of scenes and I’m making this log to bring the audience up to speed. Crusher has told me that Data’s emotions chip is stuck in his head so we’ll have to put up with him acting like a total moron for the rest of the movie. However, I need a little chuckle right now so I’ve asked him to join me in stellar cartography.
In Stellar Cartography, Picard and Data are discussing the energy-ribbon dilly.
Picard: [still hearing Geordi’s scream] Animals! They must be using the “Teletubbies” technique banned by the Geneva Convention of 2002! [The scream dies] Okay, Data... what do we know about the ribbon?
Data: The ribbon appears to be ribbon-like in nature. Also, it looks sort of like a ribbon.
Picard: Data, are you okay?
Data: I find myself preoccupied with my emotions. I am ashamed and I want to be relieved of duty.
Picard: I need you here.
Data: No, I don’t wanna!!!
Picard: Shut up and sit down!!!
Data: I will try, sir.
Picard: Courage is an emotion too, Data.
Picard is handed a Golden Globe, which he wrinkles his nose at and discards.
Picard: Show me where the ribbon is now.
Data presses a few buttons and several extras climb up on ladders and start moving stars around.
Picard: [to camera] I refuse to go on with this scene until we get a bigger special effects budget.
Picard looks back at the Cartography room and is pleased to see an impressive and expensive-looking CGI graphic. An arrow that says “YOU ARE HERE” points to where the ribbon is at.
Picard: Now, show me where it’s headed.
A line pops up.
Picard: Show me where the Amargosa star was.
A cartoon man pops up pointing at a blinking star.
Picard: Show me Counselor Troi’s shower.
An empty shower pops up.
Data: It appears to be empty.
Picard: Blast! Fine, go back to what we were doing earlier. Okay, show me how the energy ribbion thingie-doo’s course was affected by the plot wave.
The line moves near a planet.
Picard: Well, it gets close to Veridan III but not close enough. [a horrible thought] Data, I just had a horrible thought. What would happen if Soran blew up the Veridian star itself?
The line intersects the planet... oh, sounds sexy don’t it?
Picard: That’s what he’s planning on doing! He’s going to make the ribbion come to him on that planet!
Data: That dick!
Picard: [slaps nipple] Picard to bridge.
Worf: Worf here, sir.
Picard: [looks around] No you’re not!
Worf: I’m on the bridge.
Picard: You said you where here.
Worf: I was speaking metaphorically.
Picard: Set a course to Veridan III... Maximum warp!!!
Picard and Data walk out of stellar cartography and several extras take over Data’s console and start playing Mortal Kombat. A little while later, on the Bird-of-Prey...
Lursa: Did you get anything from the human?
Soran: [sneezes and blows his nose] Nothing useful!
Helmboy: We are entering orbit of Veridian III.
Soran: Prepare to beam me to the surface.
Helmboy checks himself in the mirror and checks his breath.
B’Etor: Wait! When do we get our payment?
Soran pulls out a chip. B’Etor grabs for it but Soran pulls it away. B’Etor savagly beats him into a pulp and takes it from him.
Soran: [composing himself] It’s encoded. Once I’m safely on the surface, I’ll transmit the encryption sequence to you. It’s a devilishly clever encryption code that took me years to perfect. First, you must find the poloynomial of an infinite number of variables just to...
B’Etor: Decoded it!
Helmboy: Mistress! A Federation starship is approaching!
Everyone on the bridge: Mistress! A Federation Starship is approaching!
Picard’s Voice: Klingon vessel! We know what you’re doing so you’d better stop or we’ll spank you!
Soran: There’s no time for this. Eliminate them.
Lursa: That is a Galaxy-class starship! We are no match for them!
Someone hands Lursa a People’s Choice award. Insulted, she takes a dagger and jabs it into the presenter’s heart.
Soran: [looks at Geordi’s VISOR] I think it’s time we gave Mr. LaForge his sight back.
Tinky-Winky: And him clothes?
Tinky-Winky looks dissapointed as we jump to the Enterprise bridge.
Picard: They’re out there.... somewhere.
Chekov: But if dey are cloaked...
Picard: You’re not in the movie anymore.
Worf: Klingon Bird-of-Prey decloaking of the port bow!
On the viewer, we see a giant black diamond-studded cloak falls away from the Klingon ship (de-cloaking... get it?).
Picard: Hail them!
B’Etor: Hello, Captain.
B’Etor: I’m B’Etor! Lursa’s the pretty one!
Picard: [a pause] Um... okay. Look, I wanna talk to Soran Doctor Tolian Soran and, boy, do I mean now!
Lursa: The doctor values his privacy or some such bullshit.
Picard: Then I will beam over to you ship and you can beam me down to him!
B’Etor: I suppose you’ll be wanting your chief engineer back.
B’Etor: Banana comb face?
Picard: [looks confused]
Lursa: Reading Rainbow Man?
Picard: Oh, him! Yes... I suppose we should get him back.
Riker: Captain, I feel I should object to...
Picard: Number One?
Picard: Shut up.
Picard slaps Data on the back of the head and mutters something along the lines of “this is all your fault” before waliking to the transporter room where he is beamed away as Geordi and Tinky-Winky are beamed in. LaForge falls on his face, as security guards vaporize Tinky. Meanwhile, on the planet, Picard arrives.
Picard: Something about this mountain looks very familar.
Soran: Hello, Captain. You must think I’m quite the madman.
Picard: Yeah, especially after I saw Tank Girl.
Soran: I needed the money... besides, I know why you’re here. You’re here to stop me from blowing up the Veridian star! Well, sucks to you!!! Bwaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa!
Picard: Soran! [Picard walks into a forcefield and is thrown twenty feet backwards. He gets up and shakes the dust off of his uniform.] You could have warned me... dick!
Meanwhile, on the Klingon ship, Lursa and B’Etor are watching the viewscreen which is showing a picture of everything LaForge is seeing. Right now, all we can see is a picture of the inside of a porno magazine. Finally, he gets up and walks to engineering. He talks to a few people and walks past a panel that says “SUPER-DUPER TOP SECRET SHEILD NUMBERS. DO NOT SNITCH!”
Lursa: That’s it! That’s it!
B’Etor: Their shield is operating on a frequency of 248.347!
Lursa: Adjust our torpedo frequency to match and blow their asses up!
The Bird-of-Prey begins shooting at the Enterprise. Little chunks of starship float off into space.
Riker: What the fu...!?
Worf: They have found a way to penetrate our shields!
Riker: Lock phasers and return fire!
Data: Huh huh... he said “penetrate.”
Riker: [pissed] Data! Can you come up with a technobabble way of blowing up that ship?
Data: Yes... Yes! If we...
We interrupt this movie to bring you this special announcement from Paramount Executive, Tal E. Whacker...
Whacker: Hello. It’s come to our attention that technobabble is boring especially when it’s used as an easy way out of a predicament. It’s also come to our attention that R-rated movies perform better in the box office than PG-rated movies. Therefore, allow me to take this opportunity to say... fuck you.
[Star Trek: Degenerations has been rated ‘R’ by the MPAA]
We now return to the movie...
Data: ...thus causing their ship to blow up!
Riker: Do it!
Data presses the ‘bullshit technobabble solution’ button and modifies a bunch of crap. On the Klingon ship...
Helmboy: We are cloaking!!!
All the Klingon Crew: We are cloaking!!!
The Enterprise shoots a torpedo at the defenseless ship. The sisters watch the torpedo approach.
Lursa: I guess this means no more cameos on Deep Space Nine.
The Klingon ship goes boom in a stunning display of recycled stock footage. Meanwhile, on the planet, Picard is pouting and throwing rocks at the forcefield. Soran glares at him and he stops. As Soran goes back to preparing his star-stopping rocket, Picard sees an extension cord plugged into an outlet right next to his leg. He mutters something about Soran being an idiot and then we go back to the Enterprise in engineering...
LaForge: [looking over the wrecked room] I just know they’re going to blame me for this. [LaForge sits on the autodestruct button and it begins to count down] Uh... shit! [slaps communicator] Uh... Lah... LaForge to bridge. Listen, uh...
Riker: Geordi. We’re reading a core breach in progress! What’s going on!?
LaForge: We... uh... The core is... damaged pretty bad, I...
Riker: Prepare to eject the core!
LaForge: Well... that won’t quite work, uh...
Riker: Shut down the core!
LaForge: I think we’re screwed.
Riker: Okay, fine... evacuate everyone to the saucer section, except the annoying ones.
Everyone runs in a panicked mob to the saucer section. Many children are trampled in the rush. After a few minutes, everyone is in the saucer which separates, but not before the stardrive explodes, sending the saucer into the atmosphere where it is caught by a giant dog. Meanwhile, at Soran’s rocket dilly, Soran is looking over some numbers when he looks up and sees Picard standing in front of him with an extension cord in his hand.
Soran: I knew I should have plugged that in on the inside of the shield.
Voice from Above: Fight
Soran kicks Picard’s ass.
Voice: Soran wins! Flawless victory!
There is a rumble of thunder and we see that the ribbion-mah-bob is quickly approaching the planet. The rocket fires and hits the sun which breaks down and plunges the planet into darkness. Soran gets up on his platform (for effect I guess) and opens his arms wide.
Soran: Come to Soran, ribbon! Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!
The ribbon envelopes the planet and whisks Picard and Soran away. Meanwhile, on the Enterprise... or at least what’s left of it.
Riker: Anyone get the feeling that something is terribly wrong?
Troi: Let’s see... we’ve lost Geordi, the Captain, got our asses kicked by an inferior starship, and crashed on a planet.
Data: Told you letting Troi drive was a mistake.
Troi: [Kicks Data in the butt making a loud clanging sound]
Riker: No, seriously, something is wrong.
Worf: [Stomach grumbles] I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that dried fruit.
Data, Riker, Troi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Worf cuts a thunderous fart, which reacts with the oncoming level-twelve plot-wave, causing Veridian III to explode in a great fireball, killing everyone in the universe.
[No, not really]
Next we see Picard twirling and twirling until he throws up on a bunch of kids sitting around a Christmas tree.
Kid #1: Mummy! Daddy’s drunk again!
Picard: I... am... not!
Voice from Kitchen: Jean Luc, are you drunk!?
Worf comes out wearing a pink dress.
Worf: Now be nice to our children... or I’ll kill you!
Worf and the children leave.
Worf (off screen): Get your ass in here. The gagh’s dying!
Picard: [Spies the Star Trek Christmas ornaments on the tree. In particular, the Enterprise-D ornament] This isn’t right! It’s can’t be real!
Guinan: [appears in puff of smoke] It’s as real as you want it to be. [looks into kitchen at Worf] Jean-Luc, baby, you gots one sick fantasy life! Jesus, get a load of those kids! They so ugly, Freddy Kruger scared of them!
Picard: Guinan, is there some way I can leave the Nexus?
Guinan: You can go anywhere... anytime you want.
Picard: Really? [a pause] I’ll be right back.
Cut to: England, 1950. Little six-year-old Patrick Stewart is lying asleep in bed when Picard appears to him. Little Patrick shudders under his bed.
Picard: Patrick! Listen to me! There is going to be a movie called Lifeforce! Stay away! Do not make that movie! STAAAAAAY AWAAAAAY!
Patrick: That wasn’t so scary!
Picard pops back.
Picard: Stay away from Jeffrey too!
Picard disappears again. Patrick wets himself.
Wesley: Captain, can I be an acting ensign?
Picard: Well, I don’t see why...
Picard: [appears] No, Jean-Luc! Don’t do it!!!
Picard: Well, who am I to argue with me? Yar, throw Mr. Crusher out the airlock!
Yar: Aye, sir. [Yar grabs Wesley and drags him away kicking and screaming.]
Wesley: I’ll see you burn, Picard! I’ll see you burn!
Picard: Thank you, Captain.
Picard: My pleasure, Captain. [disappears]
In a small town elementary...
Zack: I have an idea! Let’s form a music group! We can call it Hanson!
Other Hansons: Yeah!
Picard: [Appears and blasts them to atoms]
Back in the Nexus.
Picard: Now, I need help to defeat Soran... can you come back with me? You know... talk him to death?
Guinan: I can’t, baby... I’m already there on the Enterprise. Or at least, I was... until it crashed and blew up.
Picard: It what?
Guinan: Forget it...
Picard: Listen, I need muscle to defeat Soran.
Guinan: Yeah, I was watching. Yeesh, baby... were you Soran’s bitch or what?
Picard: [steamed] Just show me someone who can help!
Picard is transported to a Baskin Robbins where a grotesquely overweight Kirk is eating large vats of ice cream whole.
Picard: Kirk? James T...
Kirk: [Belches loudly]
Picard: Listen, Kirk... I... [a pause] My God, man... you’re a mess!
Kirk: [Tries to stand, but flops back onto his chair out of breath] Who the hell are you?
Picard: Picard of the Enterprise-D. Seventy-eight years into your future. I need your help to defeat a madman named Soran Doctor Tolian Soran!
Kirk: Why? I have everything I need here! Chocolate Chip, Butter Nut, Rainbow Sherbert, and those oh-so-yummy cakes. (Opens mouth and gurgles and drools like Homer Simpson) Oh! and look at this! This is my old dog, Butler... I ate him when I was sixteen!
Picard: Look, come with me and I’ll give you all the ice cream you can eat.
Kirk: [interested] ...and... green alien space babes?
Picard: I... think I can dig some up somewhere.
Kirk: [manages to pull his wedged ass out of his chair and wipes his chins] I take it that the movie is odd-numbered and the situation is stupid.
Picard: You could say that.
Kirk: [farts] Sounds like... [burp] ...fun!
Picard clicks his heels together three times and he and Kirk disappear.
Suddenly, Soran looks up and see: A morbidly obese Kirk in front of him on the platform. As Soran tries to figure out what’s going on, the platform collapses and both men fall to the rocks below. Kirk crushes Soran. Picard, who has been watching the whole thing, scurries down to Kirk.
Kirk: Ship... out of danger?
Kirk: It was... fun! [his toupee falls off] Oh my. [Kirk kroaks.]
After trying to bury Kirk, but giving up, Picard makes his way to the top of the mountain where he is picked up by a shuttle.
Captain’s Epilogue, Movie #1: Man, I’m pissed. First, I get sucked up into this Nexus thing where I’m married to Worf, then Kirk dies right in front of me (Crusher told me he choked on a chicken bone), and now I find out that Troi crashed my ship. Well, it’s an Enterprise.... there’ll be another, and I’m going to get it. Mark my words... I will get it!
Riker and Picard are searching through the wrecked Ready Room.
Riker: [holds up a stack of Hustlers] Is this it?
Picard: Yes! [tosses aside priceless statue] Thank you, Number One.
Riker: Nice ship. She went before her time.
Picard: [The word “MORAL” begins flashing at the bottom of the screen] Someone once told me that there is a time for everything. A time to be born, a time to die, a time to reap, a time to sew, a time to laugh, and a time to weep. [The word “MORAL” changes to “BULLSHIT.”]
Riker: I don’t understand.
Picard: [slaps Riker on back] Neither do I, Will... Neither do I.
Picard and Riker beam away. In orbit, we see three Federation starships leave the planet, when suddenly, a large glowing-spinning spaceship appears before them.
Wesley: I told you you’d burn, Picard!!! BWAA HA HA!!!
To be (not) continued...!